I had a friend tell me today that I'm too hard on myself. That I dwell too much on the past. That I need to learn to forgive myself for mistakes I've made.
I know he's right...this isn't the first time I've heard this or realized this about myself.
I had a situation today with my boss that completely crushed me. In so many words he told me that I had disappointed him. I was a failure.
There's something devastating about working to not only accept criticism but to work your ass off to try to meet the new expectations placed before you, only to have all that work smashed to pieces because of one small mistake or misunderstanding.
That's what happened today.
I don't appreciate the approach or the way it was handled. I know deep down his perceptions of me are wrong, but yet I still let it sink into my heart. I still let it get to me, and weigh me down.
Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life that were able to catch me while I spiraled out of control. It was a rough day and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
I haven't been this down for a long time, and it scared me. I felt empty...like I had no purpose. There was nothing left I could give. I was completely broken. His words cut me so deep. The comparisons that he used were so harsh. I felt as if I could never rise from those ashes.
I had to do something...so I cried.
I cried more today than I have in a very long time. My eyes are swollen, red, and tired, and I'm not sure it even did any good. But it was a release.
Have you ever taken a drive purposefully to get lost and found yourself ending up in a place very familiar? That happened to me tonight. Some of the roads twisted and wound about under the swinging branches like a beautiful escape, then I realized I knew exactly where I was. It wasn't really an escape at all, but rather a jolt back to reality.
The drive helped a little...I enjoy losing myself to the road, the selected song on repeat, the wind and clouds...all of it helps the thoughts in my head to quiet just a little bit.
It's almost like I have hamsters on wheels in my head. They just never stop. You see the same thing over and over and over again. Thinking, evaluating, pondering, wondering, imagining, reliving the experiences.
It's all so incredibly tiresome.
Unfortunately, this is a family trait...so I doubt I'll ever get rid of it. But I have been able to curb it a bit. It's only the moments where I've let it build that it really gets to me.
I'm just so very hard on myself. Constantly focused and evaluating everything I do. Trying to keep up with what's happening in my life. Trying to stay positive and move forward. Trying to be an example and an encouragement to others. Yet....I fail so often. And when someone points out that failure, negating the effort, I spiral.
I wish I could warp my mind into a better response than this, but unfortunately, this is a pattern. How do you break that?
Practice makes perfect but how do you practice at not feeling like a failure without being presented constantly with moments that make you feel as if you've failed?
What a tragic way to spend your days.
I'm not really sure what the answer is to this conundrum, but I do know that I'm not alone in this battle.
"We will get through this." My friend made sure I knew that I wasn't alone in this battle.
That's all any girl can ask for.
