Each Moment - 11/17

I thought I had moved on. I stopped thinking about you constantly. Checking to see if you'd checked in. Counting the days and weeks that have passed. The obsession had dissipated.

I realize now that I just had some really good distractions over the past few weeks. Good distractions that turned out to be lame temporary replacements for what I had with you. It was never about them... It was always you that I was looking to find again. Our relationship I was trying to recreate.

Will I ever find that again? That connection, that chemistry... With someone who actually sticks around long enough to really know me?

I hate that I don't have that with Clint. I want to. I'm comfortable and there's something to be said for that but it's clearly not enough for me or I wouldn't constantly be searching for more. 

I thought I was ready to move on from you. I thought I had finally stopped loving you so hard and missing you so much... In reality those feelings just manifested themselves in a different way. 

Today I'm sad because I know after I move tomorrow my life will probably never be the same. I have to learn how to survive on my own. How to look to myself for inner peace and confidence instead of constantly needing to pull from somewhere else. I have no choice but to be strong after tomorrow... And that scares me.

I've been feeling more confident the last few days... Reminding myself that I can do this. This is an opportunity to find myself and explore life in a whole new way. 

I really feel like something is wrong with me. I am so restless all the time. Maybe that's why I enjoy dancing and riding so much... It helps me get some good energy out of my system. I think this is my true issue...I can't sit still. Maybe I should move to Europe. There's always something to do there.

I may need to start writing again but it's so tough with Clint having access. This night need to be a topic of conversation cuz I've gotta have a safe place to vent and I can't do that if he's reading it. Some of the things I need to work through would hurt him. 

I wish I had your advice on some of these distractions I've recently had in my life...a man's perspective would be great but like don't really have one that I trust that I can ask. Oh well. I'm swearing men off for awhile anyways. I need to focus on me and just being confident with myself.

Clint's getting sick... Of course. Always the worst timing lol I know he can't help it but good grief. So we had pizza and beer and stayed home and watched game of thrones... Yes I'm just now getting around to the last season. I packed the rest of my stuff after Clint went to bed. That was a little rough... Not gonna lie. No tears were shed but... That was hard. Not knowing if that stuff will ever get put back or not... Or what else will have to follow it. There's no doubt about this... It's hard and it sucks. But I'm doing it. 

One step. One moment at a time. I'm doing it. 

Just Tears - 11/13

I am not doing well...

There really are no words for how much my heart is breaking and how little hope I have that I'll ever be happy again. 

I've destroyed everything. This brokenness can never be fixed. I finally made a mistake big enough that even I can't fix it with my persistence. Accepting that fact and the reality of it's consequences is tearing me up inside.

I wish I could still tell you I would do it all over again but all I feel is pain and hurt and rejection and sadness for everything that's happened in the last couple months. I was a fool... And now I'm paying for it. 

I'm losing everything.

Fucked - 11/12

I'm so incredibly fucked up. I have cheated... Twice... On an amazing man. He has always tried his best to love me the way I needed and what have I done in return? Broken his heart, killed his dreams. I must be the most awful kind of person to be walking away so easily from this. Just because I have no chemistry. What really makes a marriage anyways? 

Regardless of what the answer is the truth is that Clint deserves better. He doesn't deserve to be with a wife who enjoys the company of other men. He deserves to be with someone he can trust and know that they love him just the way he is. 

I'm never going to be happy not having a social life and that's what would be required of me to stay, to put his mind at ease. He will never fully be able to trust me again and that's no way for a man to have to live.

I'm just a mess and I've made a disaster out of my life. The incredible sadness that has swept over me today because of that fact is overwhelming.

This man is so amazing and I'm an idiot for throwing it all away. That's what I feel today.

I feel like the worst person in the world. Clint wants to have sex and I want to please him in that way but I have literally no attraction to him in that way. Its almost like my brain has turned that part off to him. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I️ hate what my life has become... Every time I see pictures of families on Facebook it makes me sad. Packing up things today and realizing how close we were to getting a baby brought me to tears. Thinking about starting over... Potentially never finding anyone else that could love me... It daunts me. 

But it's too late to turn back now. I've fucked up too much already... Literally. I can't go back. This is my burden to bear. I created this mess and moving forward seems absolutely impossible. I have no hope really. I want to be strong every day. I want to move forward. But I have no idea what good things could possibly be in store for someone like me. Someone who's screwed up this much... No one worth having is gonna want to come anywhere close to this. I'm damaged goods... By my own hand. My best scenario for all this is that I find some happiness in the independence I will have to make my own choices. But even in that I'm scared to be alone. 

Stronger - 11/9

I've been thinking about you a lot this past week. You've been really absent. I don't know why and it hurts but you have to do what's best for you. 

I haven't written much for a lot of reasons. I feel like Clint uses my blog against me sometimes. That's not what it was meant for and it's hard to be open and honest knowing he's going to judge me for something I put in here. That sucks because there's a lot I want to tell you...

I also struggle with how to deal with you now. I know you check in because you care. I wrote that last Wednesday. Ironically after I wrote that you stopped checking snap chat. I don't think you even read that post.... Guess it was just bad timing on my part. Either way it's frustrating to me. I give you such an opening to see into my life yet if I was to reach out to you just to see how you're doing I'd be met with silence. I can't handle that imbalance. If you want to be a part of my life then be a part of it... Don't just be a ghost that I talk to but never really have a relationship with.

I still love you and I'll always carry you with me. You're still the voice in my head. But it's become too painful to keep daily feeling your rejection. It's not just your leaving, its how you left, how you continue to stay away despite everything I've gone through. It makes me feel like I'm nothing to you... Like you never really loved me. How can you see all that you've seen and stay silent? 

I know we're very different in how we behave in relationships but I would never do that. Regardless of the circumstances, I'd never leave someone I love to deal with that kind of pain alone.... Even if it meant sacrificing my own healing in the process. But I guess that's the difference we've always had. You were always willing to give up if things didn't make practical sense. For me...I keep fighting for the people I love even when it makes no practical sense to do so. I don't give up until it feels right to for everyone involved. 

I know I contributed to what happened with us and I'm trying to learn from that and do things differently moving forward. But I can't keep thinking that I'm the cause of every bad thing that's happened. I can't keep feeling like I can never love anyone and have me love them in return because I'm too much. I'm tired of feeling that way. I know I have my issues, we all do, but I have a lot to offer as well. Some people actually appreciate someone who loves as hard and deeply as I do. Those are the people I'll keep in my life from now on. No more trying to try to prove myself to people who only see what they want to see.

This is where I draw my strength now. Not from any one person but from the idea that I am capable of being loved just the way I am. You made me feel that way once... But not anymore. Your actions have demolished that now. I've had to rebuild that on my own. I've had to make myself stronger by believing in what I can be, despite how you made me feel.

I'm not angry... I'm being honest. I know it will hurt you to read this but I'm tired of protecting your feelings. You value honesty above everything else... You made that very clear in our relationship. Honestly...I still love you. I still miss you. Honestly I'm tired of feeling like shit about myself because of how you treated me. I trusted you with all of me. You got all of me. No one has ever accomplished that before. No one. When you left it crushed me... Damaged me. I will never fully recover from that. I'll always second guess myself now in relationships. I'll always struggle with trust and opening up.... Wondering if some day they'll walk away too. Everything you did to break down my walls this summer you destroyed by how you left. I can't even take responsibility for that... That was all you.

But even in saying all that and dealing with the reprocussions of trusting you when I shouldn't have, I've decided that I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I'm better than this. I can find people who love me for me and appreciate the person I am. I can some day find happiness again just because I enjoy life and everything it throws at me. I will find peace again... Because I am strong. And I don't need anyone to tell me that anymore.

I told you that you're always welcome in my life and that hasn't changed. I will still write but it will be because I need it, because I feel like it's the right thing to do for me. 

I love people and I love you... But it's time for me to start taking care of myself and enjoying who I am. 

If men or relationships come in my life and stay it will be because it's best for me. Sometimes it will be best for me to give to someone else for a little while and that's ok... But I'll make that decision not anyone else. Sometimes I'll have a relationship that I draw from because I need it for a time... And that's ok too. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take and sometimes you find that rare relationship where both occur most of the time. I hope some day I find that but until then I'll enjoy my life and the path it leads me down... One day at a time.

I'm embarking on a journey all by myself and I'm scared to death. For once in my life I have no plan. I have no idea where the next day will lead me. I don't know what my life will look like 6 months from now. But...I move forward with determination and confidence in who I am. I don't need any one person to lean on. I'm strong, smart, and independent. I can do this and do it well. This is my life... And I'm finally getting around to living it just for me. 

Can't - 11/7

I still feel you

I still think of you constantly

I still miss your touch

I still remember your quirks

I still struggle with what I lost when you left

I still feel conflicted about whether to hate you or love you

I still can't move forward with my life without you here

I still hear you say you love me

I still throb for the chemistry we used to have

I still can't let you go

Tough Decisions - 11/2

Mixed emotions today....I have pretty much everything running thru my brain which is super annoying. Nothing new there really... All the same stuff. I miss you. I want you to come back. It hurts that you left. My life is falling apart. My marriage is changing. I'm hurting Clint. I'm moving out and that's scary and somewhat exciting. I'm nervous about the future... Yada yada yada

I am definitely ready for riding lessons tonight. I need a good stress reliever... Something to focus on and really excel at. This week will be better than last week!

This all will get better eventually won't it? I'll eventually stop missing you so much right? Realizing my life is no where near where I wanted it to be will stop hurting as much?

Clint and I were talking about dogs today. He thinks I'm gonna go out and adopt a bunch of dogs when I move out lol I told him I might get a fish and maybe a bird but that's about it. Although getting one of those really itty bitty puppies would be so fun!

I cannot stop thinking about you today... Usually I can keep myself preoccupied/distracted but today its unstoppable. Gosh... It's so annoying too. I mean of I could text you and talk to you like normal it would be totally different but this is just pure torture.

Omg...I just learned the coolest thing! I had to help this guy install Zoom on his Linux which I know nothing about. So one of my co-workers helped me download a virtual computer generator and we basically built a computer within my computer so I could text it and see how it was supposed to work! It was so sweet! Now I'm gonna have to watch all these YouTube videos about Linux so I can take more tickets like that... So awesome!

Riding went so much better tonight! I'm more relaxed and confident with the trot... Actually feel like I have control. Chip was being a little stinker tonight so I had to be firm with him a few times but it's all good. They really are just like kids lol Joyce said she's gonna pull out some cones next week so I can work on manuevers! I'm excited!

How was your day sweetie? You've been absent more the last couple days. I hope everything is ok with you. 

I think I'm gonna put some distance between Robert and me...I just don't know if I can handle it. We're just being friends but he's really attracted to me and I don't think I feel the same way. Even if I did I don't think I can do anything. This is all just really freaking me out... And we're just friends. I do not need another complication in my life right now...

I'm a lil nervous about tomorrow night. He's so excited to see me and it just really freaked me out. We haven't known each other long enough to be attached like that. I had to be honest with him and tell him not to have expectations. I just really want to be friends...I can't do anything more than that. He understood...I could tell he was a little let down but I'd rather him be that way now than lead him on and break his heart later. 

I hate letting people down. But sometimes it's necessary. On that note I think I'm gonna go to bed. I'm exhausted from the emotions of this week. I really do hope everything is ok with you. It kills me to not know you're happy and healthy. I guess I just have to have faith that you are. 

My Constant - 11/1 and 11/3

11/1

Good morning...I haven't greeted you that way in awhile. I just usually start in with all my drama which I'm sure gets old for you.

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you still check in on me. It means more than you know. I don't know if you do it because you know I need it or because you're curious how I'm doing or maybe a little of both... It doesn't really matter why. It shows that you still care, that you always did care, and that I wasn't the only one that really loved in all this. 

It helps me be more balanced in how I move on. There may be things I don't understand or don't agree with in how things went down. But I don't want to get over you or move forward by being angry. I don't want to taint what we had with mistrust in what I thought we had. It may be harder this way and take longer but it's more genuine. You loving me left me with a big impression in a very positive way...I don't ever want to lose that. 

So again... Thank you. Those little things still speak volumes because I know who you are. I still love you too hun.

I have an important customer meeting today. Started as a simple ticket but the guy escalated his grievances before I even had a chance to fully investigate the issue... That's always fun. Anyways our CEO is hopping on a meeting with their CIO to discuss their issues with our platform and one of the tickets their looking over is mine... So no pressure lol I did go over the ticket with a co-worker so I have a game plan and I'm not just winging it so I feel confident. It's just annoying cuz device issues are not my forte. I'm more of the software/integration type. Guess you gotta learn somehow right!?

They didn't show... Figures

I went and exchanged my boots over lunch! So excited to break them in on Friday night! Hopefully I don't fall on my ass and make a fool of myself... They're a lot more slick lol

Clint told me I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop feeling the hurt that I caused this situation. He's forgiven me and he's not holding it over my head. I appreciate that but you know I can't just forget that I'm the one who screwed up here. My risk in falling for you is affecting everyone I love. I've turned Clint's world upside down. How do I not beat myself up for that?

I'm being pretty guarded with Robert. We talk but it's different. I don't let him see everything. I don't give him the details and deep stuff. I don't depend on him to cheer me up or even care if I'm having a bad day. Just letting it be what it is. Calm, cool, and collected... The usual Jenelle I am in relationships. You'd be proud of me. I'm not making the same mistake twice. No one needs that kind of burden put on them. 

I worked out with Emily tonight... Arms ugh lol but I have some muscle now so I ain't complaining!

We went to a sports bar afterwards to watch the baseball game...I really just went to hang with her and drink lol she had some of her friends from work join us and it was so fun! I love meeting new ppl. 

I may have gotten a little too honest with Robert about my sexual tendencies... Insert 3 Long island's lol but he knows he's still gotta wait before anything can happen... If anything can happen. Idk even if anything will but I enjoy talking to him. He's not you... But he's good to me. So I guess that's worth a lot now adays right? I really just want someone to be my friend thru all this. That was supposed to be you but since you're gone... It's either alone or someone else. I still wish it was you.

I wish it was you who was my friend, my lover, the person I found when I needed to feel safe. You were the one I wanted... The one I still want. I'll make do without you because like you said... I'm strong. But... I'll never feel about anyone the way I felt when I was with you. That's just a reality in my life now. Something that will never change despite how much time passes. It's my one constant. 

11/3

I'm tacking this on to my post from Wed because I feel like they correlate together really well.

I've really struggled with missing you this week. I feel like you're fading away and it doesn't really matter why, it just hurts to know that eventually that's going to happen for you. I still appreciate so much how you've hung in there and continued to check on me. That small daily communication has carried me thru so many tough moments. You really will never know how much that's meant. I'm not ready to fully let you go yet but I also want to to be happy and if moving on from me is what you need to do to be happy then I will be ok. 

This all just still hurts so much. I can't express how much it still does in words because it wouldn't come close. Yes I'm able to function and go throughout my day without major breakdowns. Yes I have my eyes set on the road ahead and I'm trying to make the best decisions I can. But just because these things are true doesn't take away from the fact that my heart still really really hurts for you and for what we had. 

Even talking with Robert this week has been hard. It reminds me of what we used to have with our friendship but it also told me how rare it was to find chemistry like what we had. I don't have that with him... I'm not even attracted to him to be honest. He's just a really sweet guy and we share a lot of the same interests. This is just all so hard and I Don't really know what else to do to keep pushing myself forward every day. I have no control over how I feel. I can't make it disappear. It just is what it is... And I have to deal with it.

Do you ever listen to a song so full of Hope and confidence that love will come your way, that your life will fall into place, that you'll feel normal again... And just roll your eyes? I heard one like that today.... And then I put it on repeat. Because even if I don't believe it's possible for things to get better...I still need to hear it.

I haven't read any of the words you sent me lately... It's too painful. But sometimes they still flash through my brain anyways reminding me of your ridiculously charming wit and your relentless pursuit of what you wanted. It's definitely bittersweet...

So I took this ticket today... Was supposed to be a simple audio/video quality issue but as I dug in I realized it was basically a shit show of data to comb through. I spent close to 2 hours comparing graphs and talking to people including the CSM... It was special! Can't complain though. It made time fly and I'm learning more about troubleshooting large network issues. So it's all good. 

I'm going to Kanzaa tonight... Gonna go dance my cares away in my new boots. Probably not the best way to break them in but I'll be alright. I wish I could tell you that your absence doesn't hurt but it does. The past couple days have been pretty rough but I'll be ok... Just gotta keep moving forward one day at a time. Hopefully tonight will help me forget for a little while. Maybe it will give me a break from this pain in my chest so I can go on to fight another day... Another week without you in my life.