Magnetism - 2/25/18

I feel lost today... And I'm not even really sure why.

Next weekend I fly home to tell my parents about everything. I'm really nervous. I know it's my life and my decision. But the fear of letting them down is almost crippling at times.

I think I'm sad today. Lonely really. Days when I have no human interaction are hard for me to endure. All the boxes of emotion I have safely tucked away threaten to break open.

I struggle because the weekends are when I get to see Timothy. We've gotten a lot closer lately. It's apparent that there's a real connection there... For both of us. When he's here I feel safe and protected. He melts the emotion away with his presence because he's just so calm. He listens when I talk. He tries to understand and he never judges. He just accepts me for who I am. I think I'm falling for him... And I hate it.

I didn't want this but now that it's happening I can't stop it. We're just friends and I'm ok with that. I can't have another complicated relationship right now. My heart still hurts.

I had a rough week this week thinking about you. I don't know why but a lot of emotion that I hadn't dealt with in awhile came to the surface. 

What we had was real. It was one of the realest things I've ever felt. But it's like it never happened. You just disappeared. The insecurities and walls that I have because of that experience shape how I interact with men now. I'm always waiting for when they will leave. Preparing my heart for another fall. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. That I had less capability of big emotion. Just sitting here thinking about Timothy some day moving on, which is inevitable, makes me incredibly sad. I don't even really rely on him emotionally because we rarely talk throughout the week. But... It's that chemistry again. The same type I had with you. Magnetism.

I don't know what to do. How do you shut your heart down so you don't feel? So you don't get too attached or care too much?

I can't protect myself. I thought I could but I can't. I'm hopeless. This struggle and the pain of this life... Are overwhelming tonight. 

I took control of myself tonight. I cleaned out my closet, did some yoga, researched apartments in the area that I would be ok moving to. It helped get my mind straight.

I think I want my own place again. It would be nice to have a roommate but I think I need my own space for a little while. It's harder living alone but I think it's best for me for now. I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone consistently. I have the dogs of course but we'll have to share them so that will be tough. So many things to consider. But I think I'm ready to turn my brain off for the night. Too much thinking and it's gonna be a long week. 

My Calling - 2/19/18

I'm genuinely concerned... And I may not be able to do anything about it. I may have to just sit back and have faith that someone else is reaching out or that some way you're intervening Jesus. Please protect that little boy and his mom. Please help Timothy to find him and be able to protect him once again. Bring peace to his mind. He needs you right now. He needs to be shown that he can have faith in you to take care of himself and the ones he cares about.

He's so lost right now. He's looking to the wrong things to drown his pain and distract him. He needs to build healthy habits and rediscover himself. He needs to regain his strength. 

He's a good man. He's been through a lot and his life has brought him a lot of pain and heartache. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to process it much less to continue caring for your family while being strong for yourself at the same time. 

I don't know why I've been drawn to him. I don't know if it's because he needs me or because I need him or maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know if this is meant to just be a friendship or an actual relationship. I don't think I even really care anymore. I just know that I'm supposed to be here... And I'm ok with that. 

I'm well aware that I might get hurt in the process of all of this. I might get burned again... But if I give what I'm supposed to give while I'm here and do it in a balanced way then any pain that may result will be worth it. 

I know how to do this... How to love without borders. How to see what people need and assist as I can. I have these gifts to allow people to experience love the way all people should. I can love relentlessly and still keep myself intact... Because loving big is part of who I am. It's where I feel most myself.

People are not projects. They're people who need real, authentic love from other people. This new life I'm building will allow me the opportunities to love in this way like I've never been able to before. And I'm starting with Timothy.

This isn't for me. There's nothing I get from this. I get no glory. In fact I lose a little by opening myself in this way, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to take for someone who I'm being pulled to. Call it the pull of the universe or following God's calling in my life out whatever. All I know is that I can't stop listening to my heart and my heart has been pretty clear for awhile on this one. It's not fading or pulling back regardless of what I do to stop it. I have no choice now but to follow the calling I feel, regardless of where it takes me.

Big Plans - 2/17/18

This weekend was good. I almost always travel with Clint to see new places and even though I've gone on other girls only trips, this one was different. I was a single girl on my own... Almost like it was my maiden voyage.

I learned a couple things.

1. I don't need Clint to plan every detail of my trip for me to still have a great time exploring a new place.

2. I am smart and independent and I figure things out quickly. Exploring is like a drug to me.

3. The perfect travel buddy is really hard to find. I may need to get used to the idea that I can travel by myself.

These were empowering realizations. It's been a really tough week! Last Sunday Clint and I had the official in person talk where we decided together that is best for us to get a divorce and then talked about the timeline for that. All this week I've been hit with random feelings of nostalgia, sadness, and fear. It's overwhelming a lot of the time. This vacation came at a perfect time for sure... It's been a great distraction but also affirming to me that although my future is scary, I can do this.

It still sucks though you know? Clint is a great guy. He's someone I respect and trust... But his love for me over the years has changed. He still loves me for who I am but he's not in love with who I am and he can't be married to who I am now. I get that and I'm thankful he was finally able to admit that to himself and me.

The future is tough. Being single is hard. Being alone at night is worse. I am getting to the point where casual sex isn't doing it for me though. Thank you Timothy for that  :-/ 

I still don't know where I stand with him. I know he cares about me. He's said and done enough that I know that and maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe I just need to be content with what we have right now and not wonder if something else could happen. Maybe we just need each other right now. He's going through so much with his family right now and carrying such a burden. We both have heavy lives right now. Maybe it's best for both of us if we just enjoy the chemistry we have when it's convenient.

I think I can handle that for awhile. After all I don't think my heart can handle opening up again just yet... Especially for someone so damaged and unsure of where he stands in his own life. He would break me all over again if I let him. Although I know I'm strong now...I don't think I'm ready to voluntarily jump into that type of risk just yet. 

I have a good friend that invited me to come live with her at her house in Gardner. She has two giant dogs and travels all the time so she said it would be really great for her to have me there for that... Plus she would like the company lol

So I'm gonna think about it for the next month or so and see what works best. I'd save a lot of money that way which means I'd be able to pay off my school debt finally. Once I do that then maybe I can buy my own house out in the country somewhere. 

Big plans. My plans. I'm excited about them most days... But today I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from having to constantly hold myself up emotionally and act to the outside world that everything is peachy. Soon that will change... But not today.

Why Not? - 2/15/18

Because it's dangerous. He is dangerous.
It scares me to think about losing my heart again.
What if it doesn't end well?
What if my heart gets broken again?
I know who I am now.
I know what my goals are. What my needs are.
I know how to keep myself strong and rely on myself for strength.
I have an amazing group of friends who love and support me.
But is it enough?
Have I healed enough?
I know what real love is now. I know that it looks and feels differently to everyone.
It can't be compared between lovers.
Every relationship it's unique. Something you'll never have exactly the same with someone else.
Sometimes you love someone because they need you or you need them.
Sometimes there's a chemistry that pulls the two of you together like magnets.
A magnetism that rare is hard to find and even harder to replace or heal from when it's gone.
So is it worth it?
To risk being in such a good place and losing control.
What if I fall and no one is there to catch me?
I have capacities to give and love and nurture.
When is it ok to use those gifts?
To use them means I have to make a part of myself vulnerable.
I have to weigh the cost of that sacrifice with the unknown outcome.
The real question is do I have faith in love or chemistry anymore?
Do I trust that if I open my heart again it won't get stepped on?
Is he worth it?
Can i trust him with my heart?
Does he even know himself enough to be able injure trust his own heart?
I don't want to be someone else's mistake or regret.
I want to be their person. The one that completes them. The one they can't live without. Period.
I don't know if that's where this is headed but I want to give it a chance.
Does he see me as worth the risk too?

Stepping Through Fog - 2/6

Weekends are hard. I spend a lot of time alone which is why I almost always go out Friday and Saturday nights now. I have so many great people there that love and support me so it's usually refreshing... And entertaining. 

I was really struggling on Friday and I asked Pedro, my DJ, if he could avoid playing What Ifs. It was a simple request except that apparently several women asked for it... And he put them off. I didn't expect him to honor my wishes like that but he did it because he knows that song gets to me. He doesn't know why but he does know how important music is to me. 

Usually I can handle hearing the sappy love songs or What Ifs but this weekend I couldn't. And it was his sweetness that got me thru the weekend. The days were still hard but I enjoyed my nights.

Timothy came over on Friday again... This is really starting to become a thing. I don't know what it is about that boy but I cannot get enough of him. I don't want to think about the future or what will happen or if it will become a relationship or be an exclusive thing. I just know that I have fun when I'm with him. He treats me with respect. We have great sex. He makes me laugh. And he's so comfortable being quirky just like me. 

He's not expressive or super emotional... Being around him brings a sense of calmness to me. I'm able to relax and turn my brain off and just enjoy his company. For me... That's huge. 

It usually takes me until Tuesday to start feeling less depressed from so much time to myself. It's becoming a cycle and I need to figure out a way to break it somehow. 

I've been learning a lot about myself, about being single, about letting go of the past so I can move towards the future. This is hard but you said I'm strong enough and look how far I've come since then. Look at what I've accomplished. I may not be where I want to be but I'm living and I'm enjoying my life despite the hard. 

You said I could do this... And I still hold onto that when I'm having those moments where I feel like the world is crashing around me. Remembering what you saw in me once helps me break thru the fog and take one more step.