I recognize that this past year has been an incredibly difficult one, and I've entrusted some of those dark moments to this blog. It's been a freeing experience to publicly write things that I'm thinking without fear of judgement or humiliation if someone were to stumble on it. This is the place I write what I feel and think about life and the world, without a mask.
In the past month, I've managed somehow to raise my head above the water and climb back in the boat of life. It's been a long 3 months since I admitted to myself that I was depressed and in need of an extreme makeover of emotion. I started saying no to things in my life that were unnecessary, unhelpful, or just a waste of my current pool of energy. I started pouring back into myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it. I started talking to Jesus again and telling him how I was feeling. August I was drowning but still kicking, which was different than July. By September I was coming up for air occasionally. I could socialize with smaller groups of people for short periods of time, and I found moments that I could be honest with myself and the people around me. By October, I was swimming back to the boat.
It's been a difficult recovery and I'm sure that I still have my moments, but it's the best I've felt in an incredibly long time. There's not one thing I can attribute this to. I didn't just wake up one day and decide I was going to feel good and get over whatever was bothering me. It was a process combined with good choices, self-care, good fellowship, hard conversations, prayer, and tears.
I'm thankful for the journey that I went through this past year. It wasn't my first fight with depression, but it was one of my deepest, longest ones. I don't want to be depressed, but I am thankful for it because it gives me a rare perspective on life, love, relationships, and despair. These lessons I hope never to forget as I course through the next leg of my journey. I want to use them to be a more empathetic, open-minded citizen to my community and circle of friends. Life is too short for us to be strung up on a pole for the sake of not wanting to die to ourselves.
This next journey is going to be one of the hardest I'll have ever chosen to go on, but the rewards will also be far greater than I've ever experienced before. It's scary thinking about the past that will be talked about, the things that my friends have to write about me, the waiting game...my life is in so many people's hands right now. I trust them all of course, but it only takes one thing to tip the scales. I hope and pray that Jesus keeps his finger on the scale...in our favor.
Moving forward, I want to continue this freedom from judgement blog that I started in a moment of darkness. I need a place like this that I can share in a general sense specifically what my heart is saying.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
How Your Advice Doesn't Help
If you have the privilege of knowing someone who has been unsuccessful in trying to get pregnant, AND she actually entrusts you with that information, here are some of the ways you can unintentionally hurt her.
1) Make her feel stupid by reiterating the process of making a baby including insights about a woman's cycle, all the nutritional/supplement tips, and different sex positions that are supposed to "make it happen".
2) Make her feel like a science project by talking through all the different tests she should have her doctor run just to make sure everything is functioning the way it should to make a baby...as if the doctors don't already know how to do this.
3) Invalidate her feelings by talking about your friend of a friend that went thru the same thing, making it seem like because of that story you magically understand every phase of emotion she's gone through. Newsflash: You don't. Every woman deals with infertility differently. Don't assume you know what she's feeling.
4)Make her feel broken by making comments about reducing stress or to just stop thinking about it, because everyone has a switch where they can just turn off emotions, right? So until you're able to control your life and /or emotions you're not going to be able to get pregnant.
5) Make her feel like her desires and plans are wrong by commenting on how young she still is, how she has plenty of time, and she should just be happy with where God has her. You completely negate the idea that God is the one who gave her this desire to begin with, and maybe it's in His plan for her to wait for a little while.
6) Make her feel like she's alone and forgotten by choosing not to pursue her. Don't follow up with her and ask how's she's doing. Don't let her know that you've noticed she hasn't been herself lately, and you realize it has nothing to do with you, but it's just another sign of how much she's hurting and needs her friends to pursue her more than ever. Wait for her to feel it's ok to come to you and ask for help. Because everyone knows that when we're deeply hurting, we can act perfectly normal and sharing is the easiest thing to do.
7) Make her feel like it's her fault. Now I will be the first to admit that this is easily self-inflicted HOWEVER our society doesn't make it easy to move past this phase either. All the talk about what the woman should do or shouldn't have done...because the problem never lies with the man's side of things. (That's always the last suggestion.) Christian society's focus and attention solely on women getting married and having children as their only purpose and goal in life. Shying away from the subject because it falls in the "taboo"column of conversation. Women don't need help putting pressure on themselves or feeling like they don't measure up, but the way we respond to child-less women makes it even harder for them to find joy where they're at.
You maybe reading this and think, well, good grief! What can I do to help?! Whether you've already made the mistakes above or not, it's never too late to start fresh with someone. I guarantee that she doesn't hold you personally responsible for not knowing the perfect response. She is very aware that this kind of issue isn't talked about enough for people to know what she needs. So here are some key points to help you love her through this time.
1) Show her that you care by pursuing her in a way that meets her love language, not yours.
2) Let her know it's ok for her to be where's she's at emotionally. Right now she feels, ugly, broken, and unwanted. She needs to know that people love her, even when she's a mess.
3) Let her talk. You listen. Hold her when she cries. Don't feel like you have to fix it. She knows you can't.
4) Realize that her days might be darker than she's letting everyone think, and that she's not going to admit that she feels like she has to do this alone, but she would rather not.
5) Let her do battle with God. He's got her and He's not letting go, even if she can't see that. Let her have her questions, doubts, and fears. She hasn't lost her faith; she's on her way to finding a deeper one.
6) Pray for her consistently and let her know that.
7) Give her times to forget about everything that's heavy, and just have fun!
8) Be sensitive that all talk of being pregnant, babies being cuddled, and generally anything that falls in that category WILL remind her of her battle and may make her emotional, despite her best efforts. She may make it all the way through the baby shower with no sign of struggle, then fight back tears the entire ride home. This doesn't mean she wants or expects you to hide things from her. She wants to be a part of new baby joy. She just wants and needs you to be aware, and make it known that you've got her back and it's OK if she can't handle it.
9) Don't forget that this isn't about you. She may be withdrawn, irritable, depressed, and at times angry with the world and everything around her. Don't take offense. Know your friend, remind yourself of the truth about her, and recognize that she has too many emotions to process. She doesn't want to be this way, but pulling herself out of a seemingly bottomless pit takes more energy than she can gather. Don't try to pull her out of it; sit in the pit with her until she has the strength to get up on her own.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Calling it by Name
There are so many phases and faces to it. Movement through anger to confusion to discouragement and despair to bitterness and loathing life itself. The innumerable questions about life, God, and who you are...who you are meant to be, what needs to change, how can I do better. The intentionality of trying to survive every day in this emotional tornado is exhausting. It takes a long time to reach the point where you can label it, but until you do, you can't truly begin to overcome it.
Depression
Seeing things through a perspective so dark that it scares you to your very core. Reaching and begging for help while pushing away everyone you love all in one smooth motion. Feeling that loneliness is both your prison and your salvation...your escape, your comfort zone. It's the only place you don't have to explain yourself or try to make someone understand. It's the only place where you feel safe to feel whatever it is that your soul is feeling that day...whatever thoughts you can't contain any longer. The only place where you can fight with God about the why's and purposes of this degradation.
Being alone can be different than being lonely...if you do it right. This past month I've been focused and concentrated on time with myself. Time away from all the voices and pressures and responsibilities that suck the emotional energy away from me...away from the things that leave me too dried up to fight this battle. This time can be beneficial only if you treat it with reverence and respect...and dare I say, fear.
Time alone when you're battling depression and dark thoughts on a consistent basis can be detrimental to recovery. It's not just about escaping, it's about breathing life back into your soul. Finding things that you enjoy, that fill your emotional tank, that allow your head to feel above water for the first time in months. Those are the things you focus on when you choose to be alone. That is the concept and concentrated method that makes this different from just being lonely during alone time. These are the things that allow you to pull yourself out of the sludge that is depression. They give you a glimmer of hope...and sometimes that's all you need to give you that push to start crawling again.
I've learned some things about depression the last few weeks that I'd like to share. I don't want to forget these lessons, because these are the lessons that have given me the freedom to start breathing again.
1. It's ok to go through a time of depression. There's no reason for shame or guilt. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, and you don't want it. You don't have to justify it to people, and people don't have to understand in order for it to be a legitimate thing that you're going through.
2. Just because you're destined to battle depression doesn't mean depression has to win. Do what it takes to get back up. Sometimes you need to repent. Sometimes you need to pray. Sometimes you need to listen. Do what it takes...don't let it beat you.
3. Asking God questions and fighting with Him about the purposes of life are not sins. We can see that emanate throughout the story of Job. Job yelled at God and fought with God about why these things were happening to him after being such a faithful servant. BUT...here's the key, we remain reverent and faithful to God through all of this. We don't disown him during our time of inquiry. You'll know you're doing it right, because you will eventually come back to a spirit of surrender.
4. Alone time is ok. Living life with other people is not always the answer. But don't immediately run to being alone, and don't justify running away from people who try to help you. Running is never the answer. Planned time away from the sorrows and temptations in your life could be...if it's done right.
5. God is still here, even when you can't feel Him. Your friends are still loving you, even if they can't love you the way that you need them to. You are never alone in your battle. Even when you can't see anyone's hand to hold, there's always one there functioning as a life raft.
6. My last point may be the most revolutionary: Darkness can be good for you. It can provide a period of solidarity where you can be introspective. You can see through yourself. You can see yourself through God's eyes. Darkness, and the consequent loneliness, provides a straight line to Heaven. You learn to communicate with Jesus on a new level, one that doesn't require formal prayer time or pouring over Scriptures. This form of communication opens the deepest, darkest places of your soul to Jesus, and gives him the ability to finally breath life through the darkness. Darkness gives you a new perspective on life and people and hurt and pain...and how to deal with it all. Darkness can be revolutionary...once you're on the other side of it.
I wrote the following last week about how God uses depression. It was a moment of pure inspiration and encouragement during a night of restless sleep while battling the onslaught of emotions. I hope that some day these lessons in my life will bring peace to others who have battled as I have.
"'When I read David's poetry, the word bipolar comes to mind. One minute he's on top of the world, and the next he's in the depths of despair-sometimes in the same Psalm!
Depression
Seeing things through a perspective so dark that it scares you to your very core. Reaching and begging for help while pushing away everyone you love all in one smooth motion. Feeling that loneliness is both your prison and your salvation...your escape, your comfort zone. It's the only place you don't have to explain yourself or try to make someone understand. It's the only place where you feel safe to feel whatever it is that your soul is feeling that day...whatever thoughts you can't contain any longer. The only place where you can fight with God about the why's and purposes of this degradation.
Being alone can be different than being lonely...if you do it right. This past month I've been focused and concentrated on time with myself. Time away from all the voices and pressures and responsibilities that suck the emotional energy away from me...away from the things that leave me too dried up to fight this battle. This time can be beneficial only if you treat it with reverence and respect...and dare I say, fear.
Time alone when you're battling depression and dark thoughts on a consistent basis can be detrimental to recovery. It's not just about escaping, it's about breathing life back into your soul. Finding things that you enjoy, that fill your emotional tank, that allow your head to feel above water for the first time in months. Those are the things you focus on when you choose to be alone. That is the concept and concentrated method that makes this different from just being lonely during alone time. These are the things that allow you to pull yourself out of the sludge that is depression. They give you a glimmer of hope...and sometimes that's all you need to give you that push to start crawling again.
I've learned some things about depression the last few weeks that I'd like to share. I don't want to forget these lessons, because these are the lessons that have given me the freedom to start breathing again.
1. It's ok to go through a time of depression. There's no reason for shame or guilt. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, and you don't want it. You don't have to justify it to people, and people don't have to understand in order for it to be a legitimate thing that you're going through.
2. Just because you're destined to battle depression doesn't mean depression has to win. Do what it takes to get back up. Sometimes you need to repent. Sometimes you need to pray. Sometimes you need to listen. Do what it takes...don't let it beat you.
3. Asking God questions and fighting with Him about the purposes of life are not sins. We can see that emanate throughout the story of Job. Job yelled at God and fought with God about why these things were happening to him after being such a faithful servant. BUT...here's the key, we remain reverent and faithful to God through all of this. We don't disown him during our time of inquiry. You'll know you're doing it right, because you will eventually come back to a spirit of surrender.
4. Alone time is ok. Living life with other people is not always the answer. But don't immediately run to being alone, and don't justify running away from people who try to help you. Running is never the answer. Planned time away from the sorrows and temptations in your life could be...if it's done right.
5. God is still here, even when you can't feel Him. Your friends are still loving you, even if they can't love you the way that you need them to. You are never alone in your battle. Even when you can't see anyone's hand to hold, there's always one there functioning as a life raft.
6. My last point may be the most revolutionary: Darkness can be good for you. It can provide a period of solidarity where you can be introspective. You can see through yourself. You can see yourself through God's eyes. Darkness, and the consequent loneliness, provides a straight line to Heaven. You learn to communicate with Jesus on a new level, one that doesn't require formal prayer time or pouring over Scriptures. This form of communication opens the deepest, darkest places of your soul to Jesus, and gives him the ability to finally breath life through the darkness. Darkness gives you a new perspective on life and people and hurt and pain...and how to deal with it all. Darkness can be revolutionary...once you're on the other side of it.
I wrote the following last week about how God uses depression. It was a moment of pure inspiration and encouragement during a night of restless sleep while battling the onslaught of emotions. I hope that some day these lessons in my life will bring peace to others who have battled as I have.
"'When I read David's poetry, the word bipolar comes to mind. One minute he's on top of the world, and the next he's in the depths of despair-sometimes in the same Psalm!
Do you know what God called David? A man after his own heart.
God allowed a flawed, emotional train wreck to lead Israel-his chosen people. But not only that, he took David's raw, brutally honest lyrics-gushing with fear, anxiety, doubt, depression, and questions about God's faithfulness-and made them part of the inspired scriptures.
God is not shocked by your emotions. No matter how messed up your soul may be, God is right there with you, listening.' ~John Mark Comer
God doesn't wait until we get our act together to use us. He uses us in spite of ourselves....imperfect, broken people are exactly the type of heroes littered throughout the Bible as God's chosen ones. Where we developed this idea as a Christian culture that God needs us to be perfect all the time and deny our emotions, is beyond me. Nowhere in the Bible do you see Jesus or his messengers denying their emotions. They're humans who choose to trust and have faith, despite the feelings whirling inside of them.
For someone like me, who struggles with the emotional ups and downs, this brings me great comfort. I don't have to pretend everything is ok. I don't have to put on a facade. I don't have to know why I feel sad. I don't have to feel guilty because I can't "just get over it". I can struggle and still have faith, because I know my struggle isn't a lack of faith. I can just be me...imperfect, broken me. God never left, and he can still use me. Now that is the definition of true Christianity."
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Lots of thoughts... no answers
I've had a little bit of time to myself this week to re-focus and try to clear my head. It's helped... at least in some areas. I'm dedicated to trying to pull myself out of this emotional funk. It's been such a tough year, but I don't want to live my life in the shadows anymore. I'm working on me again, and my relationships. Baby steps for sure, but they're steps!
Then I go to church this week, not out of desire or obligation, but because I Know I need to. Usually worship is my favorite part of the service, but not today. I hear phrases about how God has the power and we need to surrender everything. I usually take comfort in them but in light of my current situation, it makes me laugh. Scoff really.
Does God have the power to change my circumstances? Of course he does! But that doesn't mean He's going to. And these songs about surrendering everything are a joke. They're created by people who have some ill-conceived concept that God needs our permission to do with our lives whatever He wants. He already has control. Singing these songs just makes You feel like a good Christian because you're voluntarily sacrificing something for "the cause". God is pleased by those words but He doesn't need them.
I think part of the reason I struggle so much right now is because I Know my life is His. I Know He can and will do what is best for His plans, not mine. I Know also that making us happy and comfortable Are not his primary goals. He loves us, but it's not the Kind of love we're used to. It's not just a doting love, it's also a just love. One filled with hurt and disappointment. God doesn't live to please us. We were created to please Him with every ounce of our being.
Some of you might be reading this and thinking, "Oh good, she's speaking truth to herself. She's not doubting God or her faith." And that's true.
But let me tell you something...
These truths bring no comfort.
All I feel is deep despair, confusion, and frustration. But I believe God is who He says He is. One point for fundamental Christianity, Zero for me.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
To Feel or Not to Feel
Some days I feel everything. Some days I feel nothing...a consequence of feeling too much of everything that my heart turns itself off out of self-preservation. Today, I wanted to sing. I wanted to feel the words and let the truth of the melody flow through my heart, but I couldn't bear it. I was feeling too much and, for fear of completely breaking down in the middle of a crowd of people, I turned it off. I was never able to regain that emotion today. I stood there, lips moving, ears hearing, but my heart wasn't beating. It was numb. Numb to the emotion of pain that I feel so deep inside.
I'm sure some people think I'm weak and overdramatic for feeling the way that I do. There are so many people out there with real problems. Problems like death, disease, and poverty. I don't have those things. I have discomfort, waiting, a life put on hold. To many this wouldn't be a problem, but God knows how to get to me. The recipe is always the same. I allow myself to get excited about an idea. I enthusiastically draw up plans and think through details. Then the plans slowly unravel over time as God allows me to wait. My enthusiasm dissipates. My desires become pits in my heart, begging to be filled. I know this is how I grow. I know that when I'm on the other side of this valley I will look back and see the answers to all these why's, but right now, the valley is barren and bruised. I feel forsaken and forgotten.
I don't want to whine and complain. I know that I'm blessed beyond all measure. I read the words in those songs about grace and how I'm forgiven. I know they're true. I believe them in my head, but I can't feel them in my heart. All I can think is why do I have to keep playing the waiting game? Why is it always my lot in life to have to put my desires on hold. They're good desires. Desires that would bring Him glory, and me happiness. I don't want to sound ungrateful for asking for more, but I want more. I want someone to love and inspire. I want to influence the next generation. Does that make me a bad person? Am I wrong to desire that God give me the chance to do that? Is it wrong that salvation isn't enough for me, that I want to do more with this life than just serve day in and day out?
I heard 2 things today, one encouraged me and one scared me. I'm not sure now which one to believe as truth. Maybe you can help me decide...
The first was during a message that my pastor brought about being generous. As I sat and listened about how God blesses those who are generous, I couldn't help but think about all the ways that I've been generous with my time, money, and resources, especially the last 3 years. Not that I'm perfect...we always have room to grow, and I accept that. But then he said something that scared me. He talked about God entrusting you with big things because he can see that you're trustworthy with the little things. I know he didn't mean it like this, but all I heard was, "God doesn't see you as trustworthy yet". I haven't been as faithful with the little things as I could. My marriage, my relationships, my attitudes, my friends...maybe God sees that and knows I'm not trustworthy yet. Maybe these are tests that I've failed some how, despite my efforts. But then I think, God's grace covers everything. He doesn't bless us based on our merit. He blesses us based on His! But, I find no relief in that answer...because it still leaves me with the unanswered question of, "Why is He not blessing me?".
Then tonight, I started a new book about someone who went through similar struggles as I'm going through right now. I thought it would be uplifting to listen to someone who made it through this particular valley. First, let me just make the statement that I'm not usually a "cry while reading a book" person. Yes, I get involved in the characters and visualize everything, but that's just not me. Tonight, however, I was almost in tears 3 separate times in the first chapter alone! With that said, I will leave you with a piece of this chapter that I hope I can say will some day be true about my valley.
"And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant rumblings would annoy Him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me.
And I felt hungry.
I wasn't this hungry when God was a distant coach, forcing me to perform.
I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted.
I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me.
Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive. An alien that would grow to be my favorite kind of alive: secret, hidden to all eyes but mine and those nearest to me.
This had to be the hope of a lifetime, Him and Him alone.
But redemption is full of dimensions.
Little did I know that staring at Him, looking deeply, wouldn't always be a secret. This new perspective was infectious, inside and out.
Little did I know that I was to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
~Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty
I'm sure some people think I'm weak and overdramatic for feeling the way that I do. There are so many people out there with real problems. Problems like death, disease, and poverty. I don't have those things. I have discomfort, waiting, a life put on hold. To many this wouldn't be a problem, but God knows how to get to me. The recipe is always the same. I allow myself to get excited about an idea. I enthusiastically draw up plans and think through details. Then the plans slowly unravel over time as God allows me to wait. My enthusiasm dissipates. My desires become pits in my heart, begging to be filled. I know this is how I grow. I know that when I'm on the other side of this valley I will look back and see the answers to all these why's, but right now, the valley is barren and bruised. I feel forsaken and forgotten.
I don't want to whine and complain. I know that I'm blessed beyond all measure. I read the words in those songs about grace and how I'm forgiven. I know they're true. I believe them in my head, but I can't feel them in my heart. All I can think is why do I have to keep playing the waiting game? Why is it always my lot in life to have to put my desires on hold. They're good desires. Desires that would bring Him glory, and me happiness. I don't want to sound ungrateful for asking for more, but I want more. I want someone to love and inspire. I want to influence the next generation. Does that make me a bad person? Am I wrong to desire that God give me the chance to do that? Is it wrong that salvation isn't enough for me, that I want to do more with this life than just serve day in and day out?
I heard 2 things today, one encouraged me and one scared me. I'm not sure now which one to believe as truth. Maybe you can help me decide...
The first was during a message that my pastor brought about being generous. As I sat and listened about how God blesses those who are generous, I couldn't help but think about all the ways that I've been generous with my time, money, and resources, especially the last 3 years. Not that I'm perfect...we always have room to grow, and I accept that. But then he said something that scared me. He talked about God entrusting you with big things because he can see that you're trustworthy with the little things. I know he didn't mean it like this, but all I heard was, "God doesn't see you as trustworthy yet". I haven't been as faithful with the little things as I could. My marriage, my relationships, my attitudes, my friends...maybe God sees that and knows I'm not trustworthy yet. Maybe these are tests that I've failed some how, despite my efforts. But then I think, God's grace covers everything. He doesn't bless us based on our merit. He blesses us based on His! But, I find no relief in that answer...because it still leaves me with the unanswered question of, "Why is He not blessing me?".
Then tonight, I started a new book about someone who went through similar struggles as I'm going through right now. I thought it would be uplifting to listen to someone who made it through this particular valley. First, let me just make the statement that I'm not usually a "cry while reading a book" person. Yes, I get involved in the characters and visualize everything, but that's just not me. Tonight, however, I was almost in tears 3 separate times in the first chapter alone! With that said, I will leave you with a piece of this chapter that I hope I can say will some day be true about my valley.
"And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant rumblings would annoy Him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me.
And I felt hungry.
I wasn't this hungry when God was a distant coach, forcing me to perform.
I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted.
I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me.
Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive. An alien that would grow to be my favorite kind of alive: secret, hidden to all eyes but mine and those nearest to me.
This had to be the hope of a lifetime, Him and Him alone.
But redemption is full of dimensions.
Little did I know that staring at Him, looking deeply, wouldn't always be a secret. This new perspective was infectious, inside and out.
Little did I know that I was to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
~Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Blame or Blessing
These past 6 months I've wrestled with so many emotions : fear, depression, hope, disappointment, and anger. The object of these emotions cycles from God, to my husband, but mostly lands on myself. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I was happy not moving on to that step in my life because we had so many adventures and freedom. But eventually the adventures became reminders that there was a void needing to be filled, and the freedom became my own personal Hell.
I could sit and blame my husband for waiting 6 years before he was finally ready to take that leap of faith, because if he was truly honest with himself, he would admit that faith was the cause of not pursuing this step in our lives. We don't have the money. You're not done with school. What if you have to quit your job? How much do diapers cost these days anyhow? I can't tell you how many times we had that conversation. Inevitably the result was always to wait. I agreed because I wanted Kids to be something he wanted to, not something I forced on him, but each time I died a little inside. Now here we are...trying unsuccessfully for a year. I can't blame him. Even with the lack of intimacy and sexual encounters, I know he has no control over this.
So then the blame bounces between God and myself. I Know He is in control, and I Know he could bless me at any time...yet He chooses not to. Then the why comes into play, and, friends, whenever you wander into trying to understand the mind of God, things get twisted. The questions You ask about life, yourself, and your past leave you feeling empty and discouraged. We Know God is not vengeful in holding back blessings from His people, but there are always consequences to your actions. I've strayed so many times. I've hurt so many people on the path to self-discovery.
Currently, I wrestle every day with the awful person I've become and that I don't deserve the relationships in my life. Maybe God has that perspective too. Maybe He sees me as the emotionally-unbalanced, manically depressed person that I am. Maybe He's punishing me. Maybe He sees me as unfit and unworthy to unselfishly love another human being.
I Know God loves me. I Know He always has a plan and a purpose. Is it possible that He sees more strength in me than I see in myself? That He Knows who He's built, and He Knows that this won't Knock me down? I don't have that faith in myself night now. I can see it in my husband's eyes that he's lost that faith in me too. All my friends seem to turn their backs on me. I'm difficult, angry, unpleasant to be around... I'm hard to handle. This might be the true cause of my despair. The moments when I'm crushed under the weight of who I am, no one is left to hold my arms up. Maybe I was always meant to be a hermit. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. I guess only God knows the answers...
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Failure At being a Friend
Friendship is such a twisted thing, It works really great when only one of you is down, but when you're both extremely moody and overwhelmed... it s a disaster waiting to happen. I Knew there was risk involved, sacrifice even. I prepared myself for it mentally, prepared myself that despite how hard I tried it would some day end badly. I tried to be the right person for you as you walked through picking up the pieces in your life, I tried to put you first, I tried to be wise and not pushy when I observed changes needing to be made in your life. I tried to be my best self for you...but I Know I couldn't Keep that facade up forever. Eventually, everyone finds out how Cold and heartless I can be when I've reached my capacity. So for that I am truly sorry. It's a part of myself I can't seem to shake. I try to be a good friend, but I'm not. I always fail everyone in some way. I've failed you. I've hurt you. I've taken my anger out on you. For all these things I'm deeply sorry, Forgive me. Despite myself it's just who I am... a failure at being a friend.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Marriage-A realistic social institution??
The thought is nice...
Someone loving you unconditionally forever. Treating you with respect. Trying to win your heart with every passing year. Someone who is the first to see the good in you before everyone else. Someone who knows you better than you know yourself.
False. Untrue. A lie. It's impossible to do the things listed above. I don't care how many Facebook posts of couples in their 90's you see, this is simply not possible. There is pain, anguish, betrayal...every marriage has it. It just manifests itself in different ways. No matter what they tell you, it's a lie. You can put up as many barriers as you want. Protect yourself, pursue each other. But there is NO WAY you can possible know how that person is going to change, how you're going to change, know what life's going to throw at you, and prepare yourselves for it. You can never know that the person you're marrying is actually going to be the person you die loving.
I wanted it to be him. I always wanted it to be him. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or do the right things. Maybe I was too real, too honest. He always said that I was too negative and too harsh...but that's me, to the core. I feel deeply and no one can meet me on this level except the Devil himself.
I thought I found the one person that could bring out the best in me. That would always try to see through the cynicism and negativity, and see a heart that was just hurting and trying to understand the world around her. I see now that I inadvertently deceived him. He was that person, but I ruined him...just like I ruin everyone. No one wants to be around me. No one truly loves me because no one has dug through the trenches with me. I'm alone...always have been, always will.
I hate that I feel this way. I don't want pity for myself. I deserve this shattering of hope. I am the devil incarnate. I believe in Jesus but I'm a wicked person. I shouldn't have ever gotten married. I don't deserve that kind of perseverance from anyone...especially someone who tries so hard. All I want is to be known and understood. He tries. God, I know he tries. But he fails so often. He buys me things and takes me to nice dinners, but all the while I feel so disconnected. It makes me sad when he tells me I have an eyelash on my face. Why? Because that shows that he's not comfortable removing it himself.
I want to be touched. I want to be desired, loved. Wanted for my mind and my body. I want to feel sexy. I don't remember what that feels like...to have someone show me with his entire being that he wants me and only me. The loss of that feeling overwhelms me. I don't even attempt physical intimacy anymore because I know it's not real. There is no desire present between us. Just 2 people, living in the same house, breathing the same air, wanting the same things...unable to achieve anything.
I wish things were different. We try...but nothing changes. The arguments, the anger, the hurt...it gets worse as time passes. When will this ever stop? Why does it have to be like this? What's the point? If this ends, I'm never getting married again. I'm convinced that no matter how hard you try, sometimes you're just not meant to make it work. It will end in heartbreak...it's just a matter of how and when. I wish I could end mine now. I wish I was bold enough to do that on my own...but I'm not. Some day, maybe. I can't imagine how it will get any better from here.
Someone loving you unconditionally forever. Treating you with respect. Trying to win your heart with every passing year. Someone who is the first to see the good in you before everyone else. Someone who knows you better than you know yourself.
False. Untrue. A lie. It's impossible to do the things listed above. I don't care how many Facebook posts of couples in their 90's you see, this is simply not possible. There is pain, anguish, betrayal...every marriage has it. It just manifests itself in different ways. No matter what they tell you, it's a lie. You can put up as many barriers as you want. Protect yourself, pursue each other. But there is NO WAY you can possible know how that person is going to change, how you're going to change, know what life's going to throw at you, and prepare yourselves for it. You can never know that the person you're marrying is actually going to be the person you die loving.
I wanted it to be him. I always wanted it to be him. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or do the right things. Maybe I was too real, too honest. He always said that I was too negative and too harsh...but that's me, to the core. I feel deeply and no one can meet me on this level except the Devil himself.
I thought I found the one person that could bring out the best in me. That would always try to see through the cynicism and negativity, and see a heart that was just hurting and trying to understand the world around her. I see now that I inadvertently deceived him. He was that person, but I ruined him...just like I ruin everyone. No one wants to be around me. No one truly loves me because no one has dug through the trenches with me. I'm alone...always have been, always will.
I hate that I feel this way. I don't want pity for myself. I deserve this shattering of hope. I am the devil incarnate. I believe in Jesus but I'm a wicked person. I shouldn't have ever gotten married. I don't deserve that kind of perseverance from anyone...especially someone who tries so hard. All I want is to be known and understood. He tries. God, I know he tries. But he fails so often. He buys me things and takes me to nice dinners, but all the while I feel so disconnected. It makes me sad when he tells me I have an eyelash on my face. Why? Because that shows that he's not comfortable removing it himself.
I want to be touched. I want to be desired, loved. Wanted for my mind and my body. I want to feel sexy. I don't remember what that feels like...to have someone show me with his entire being that he wants me and only me. The loss of that feeling overwhelms me. I don't even attempt physical intimacy anymore because I know it's not real. There is no desire present between us. Just 2 people, living in the same house, breathing the same air, wanting the same things...unable to achieve anything.
I wish things were different. We try...but nothing changes. The arguments, the anger, the hurt...it gets worse as time passes. When will this ever stop? Why does it have to be like this? What's the point? If this ends, I'm never getting married again. I'm convinced that no matter how hard you try, sometimes you're just not meant to make it work. It will end in heartbreak...it's just a matter of how and when. I wish I could end mine now. I wish I was bold enough to do that on my own...but I'm not. Some day, maybe. I can't imagine how it will get any better from here.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Falling on Faith
There are moments in your life when you step out on faith in the pursuit of discovery. This step, or leap, quickly becomes an understatement of the true density in the choice you've just made. At first, feelings of excitement and trickles of bravery push you along the dreamer's path. Opportunities wash towards you bit by bit, not too many to overwhelm you with arrogance, but just enough to give you the momentum of true self-confidence.
Months pass with failed attempts at pursuit of the ultimate goal: fulfillment, joy, purpose, a calling. In these months, there are moments of doubt, fear, anxiety. These negative emotions are singularly delivered at the hand of the Prince of Lies as he works to overpower the Spirit's influence in your mind. These moments of weakness give him his own opportunities to plant seeds of opposition to the Creator's plan for your life.
Human imperfections give way to the Liar's footholds in your mind, even if only momentarily. The only cure to loosen his grip on your mind and emotions, is to stay fervently under the Master's wings. Why fervently? Because that's how much consistent, unrelinquishing effort needs to be made in prayer and seeking shelter from the only Source that gives true wisdom. Don't be deceived by the innocuous ways of the Liar. Guard yourself. Brace yourself for the storm before you take that leap. If you haven't made the proper preparations before you're in the midst of the storm, it will be even more difficult to keep your ship from capsizing.
No one can give you a definitive time when your journey will end. When you leap in faith, for whatever reason, you fall until your Rescuer lifts you up to your true purpose and identity. Frustrating and devastating as it might be during the fall, His timing is always perfect and His plan will always be evident in the end. We have but one goal during the fall: to be open, to listen, to look for his teaching. Our journey was never about us; it was for us, to bring praise to him. Regardless of how your journey began or the limbs you grasp at along the fall of faith, the purpose will be fulfilled through patience and trust that our lives are His and He loves us.
Months pass with failed attempts at pursuit of the ultimate goal: fulfillment, joy, purpose, a calling. In these months, there are moments of doubt, fear, anxiety. These negative emotions are singularly delivered at the hand of the Prince of Lies as he works to overpower the Spirit's influence in your mind. These moments of weakness give him his own opportunities to plant seeds of opposition to the Creator's plan for your life.
Human imperfections give way to the Liar's footholds in your mind, even if only momentarily. The only cure to loosen his grip on your mind and emotions, is to stay fervently under the Master's wings. Why fervently? Because that's how much consistent, unrelinquishing effort needs to be made in prayer and seeking shelter from the only Source that gives true wisdom. Don't be deceived by the innocuous ways of the Liar. Guard yourself. Brace yourself for the storm before you take that leap. If you haven't made the proper preparations before you're in the midst of the storm, it will be even more difficult to keep your ship from capsizing.
No one can give you a definitive time when your journey will end. When you leap in faith, for whatever reason, you fall until your Rescuer lifts you up to your true purpose and identity. Frustrating and devastating as it might be during the fall, His timing is always perfect and His plan will always be evident in the end. We have but one goal during the fall: to be open, to listen, to look for his teaching. Our journey was never about us; it was for us, to bring praise to him. Regardless of how your journey began or the limbs you grasp at along the fall of faith, the purpose will be fulfilled through patience and trust that our lives are His and He loves us.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Be Inspired
Sometimes in life you find yourself lost, rummaging around trying to remember what it was that you were doing in the first place. I've been in this downward spiral pattern for a few months now. My spiral did get slightly looser when I decided it was time for me to look for new job opportunities...let's be honest, I'm a people person, and 2 1/2 years of sitting at a desk 8 hours a day is just not cutting it anymore. Also...I would really love to be paid what I'm worth for once, despite the circumstances of my employer! Anyhow, job-searching has brought new challenges and affirmations, but overall I'm patiently enjoying the search that will eventually lead to my next step up in my career.
My spiral is still there and will probably never truly go away because, well, we live in a fast-paced world now. Everyone has their hands in 50 different pots. They might be good pots, helpful pots, productive pots, enjoyable pots...but that's still a lot of pots! It brings you to question what God's intention for us is in this fast-paced 21st century life. He wants us to be effective, productive, helpful, but always busy?? I'm not sure that's ever his true intent for our lives.
My husband and I both work full time, are very involved in the church, and have numerous friends that we follow up with on a regular basis. These are our main ministries; however, we have found that we are terrible at balancing all of those ministries with the most important ministry we've been given, our marriage. The times we lose each other the easiest are when we are truly wrapped up in our ministries. We are doing good things, trying to help people and love them where they're at, but we're not doing that for ourselves or each other. At the end of the day, we've spent every ounce of emotional and physical energy we have on ministries outside of our home.
This is a constant struggle for us, and I know we're not alone. We are involved in a church filled with many young couples dedicated to their ministries just as much as we are. We have shared with each other how difficult it is to have a balanced home life while deeply involved in ministry. There are usually things we walk away with thinking we should implement in our daily routine to help with that balance, but most of the time no change occurs.
I wonder about this cycle of drainage in our marriage. Why don't we just do things differently? Why don't we turn the TV off more? Why don't we read together anymore? Why don't we make time to have deep and meaningful conversation on a daily basis instead of allowing the abyss to swallow us until we explode...and usually not in a healthy way?
Here's the simple reason....we're not keeping God at the center of our lives.
I know that sounds super cliche, but it's true! I've read books, listened to advice from others, worked harder, stayed positive, etc. etc. On and on goes the list of self-fixing items that we try to do to solve a problem instead of inviting the One who can actually make the change happen into our lives. We're both Christians. We believe in Jesus and his power. We love him. We do the things we do because we feel compelled to live our lives for Christ. BUT that doesn't mean that we're allowing his power to help us on a daily basis!!
We've taken his mission and his truths and run with them, but the problem with that is it will only get you so far! Just like taking a road trip and starting out on a full tank of gas...eventually you're going to be walking if you don't take time to fill up the tank!! Nobody ever wants to stop, because that takes time away from your immediate progress. If you keep ignoring the service stations, you will eventually find yourself in the middle of nowhere with your thumb out, begging anyone for help...that's not the way God intended it.
Because I've made this discovery lately, I've been spending a lot of time filling myself with positive, God-centered thought. I've been listening to podcasts that inspire me to be a better woman and to be courageous with the calling God has given to me. I've been reading blogs and books upon books that challenge my faith and how I incorporate it into my daily routine. I've been praying more...and begging God to set me free from my own devices. I've also been taking more time for myself, but not just watching TV or playing games on my phone...although there's a time and a place for those things as well. I've been spending time being productive for me: scrapbooking, reading, writing, spending more quality time with my husband, connecting with people I love.
By doing these things, I've slowly begun to notice how my perspective and attitude about life has been changing. I see the bigger picture. I'm more patient to wait on God's timing for things moving in my life. I'm willing to trust that He knows what's best, and I'm surrendering myself to His timeline.
I heard something the other day on a podcast that salvation was meant to be simple according to Romans 10:9. It's an acknowledgement that God is God in all his power and glory and that without him, you are nothing. His grace through the sacrifice of his Son is what will save you. It's making the decision to give him access to every area of your life and submit yourself to his authority. Sometimes, you have to recommit to that last step in order for peace to define your life again.
My spiral is still there and will probably never truly go away because, well, we live in a fast-paced world now. Everyone has their hands in 50 different pots. They might be good pots, helpful pots, productive pots, enjoyable pots...but that's still a lot of pots! It brings you to question what God's intention for us is in this fast-paced 21st century life. He wants us to be effective, productive, helpful, but always busy?? I'm not sure that's ever his true intent for our lives.
My husband and I both work full time, are very involved in the church, and have numerous friends that we follow up with on a regular basis. These are our main ministries; however, we have found that we are terrible at balancing all of those ministries with the most important ministry we've been given, our marriage. The times we lose each other the easiest are when we are truly wrapped up in our ministries. We are doing good things, trying to help people and love them where they're at, but we're not doing that for ourselves or each other. At the end of the day, we've spent every ounce of emotional and physical energy we have on ministries outside of our home.
This is a constant struggle for us, and I know we're not alone. We are involved in a church filled with many young couples dedicated to their ministries just as much as we are. We have shared with each other how difficult it is to have a balanced home life while deeply involved in ministry. There are usually things we walk away with thinking we should implement in our daily routine to help with that balance, but most of the time no change occurs.
I wonder about this cycle of drainage in our marriage. Why don't we just do things differently? Why don't we turn the TV off more? Why don't we read together anymore? Why don't we make time to have deep and meaningful conversation on a daily basis instead of allowing the abyss to swallow us until we explode...and usually not in a healthy way?
Here's the simple reason....we're not keeping God at the center of our lives.
I know that sounds super cliche, but it's true! I've read books, listened to advice from others, worked harder, stayed positive, etc. etc. On and on goes the list of self-fixing items that we try to do to solve a problem instead of inviting the One who can actually make the change happen into our lives. We're both Christians. We believe in Jesus and his power. We love him. We do the things we do because we feel compelled to live our lives for Christ. BUT that doesn't mean that we're allowing his power to help us on a daily basis!!
We've taken his mission and his truths and run with them, but the problem with that is it will only get you so far! Just like taking a road trip and starting out on a full tank of gas...eventually you're going to be walking if you don't take time to fill up the tank!! Nobody ever wants to stop, because that takes time away from your immediate progress. If you keep ignoring the service stations, you will eventually find yourself in the middle of nowhere with your thumb out, begging anyone for help...that's not the way God intended it.
Because I've made this discovery lately, I've been spending a lot of time filling myself with positive, God-centered thought. I've been listening to podcasts that inspire me to be a better woman and to be courageous with the calling God has given to me. I've been reading blogs and books upon books that challenge my faith and how I incorporate it into my daily routine. I've been praying more...and begging God to set me free from my own devices. I've also been taking more time for myself, but not just watching TV or playing games on my phone...although there's a time and a place for those things as well. I've been spending time being productive for me: scrapbooking, reading, writing, spending more quality time with my husband, connecting with people I love.
By doing these things, I've slowly begun to notice how my perspective and attitude about life has been changing. I see the bigger picture. I'm more patient to wait on God's timing for things moving in my life. I'm willing to trust that He knows what's best, and I'm surrendering myself to His timeline.
I heard something the other day on a podcast that salvation was meant to be simple according to Romans 10:9. It's an acknowledgement that God is God in all his power and glory and that without him, you are nothing. His grace through the sacrifice of his Son is what will save you. It's making the decision to give him access to every area of your life and submit yourself to his authority. Sometimes, you have to recommit to that last step in order for peace to define your life again.
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