From the Ashes - 4/24

I've been thinking about this for awhile... Trying to find the right words to fully express what I want to say. I don't know that there will ever be the right words to capture what I feel.

There's been so much division and conflict within me because of you. Because you contradicted everything you ever told me. You were the one. The only one to dig and peel back the layers with meticulous patience and you did it... You finally got me to fully trust you. To rely on you. Depend on you emotionally like I've never allowed myself before. 

Everyone I've ever allowed in to see the real heartbeats of who I am has always left or ended up rejecting what they saw. Every time. 

You were supposed to be different. You promised you would be.

I still don't know if you ever really meant it or if you just wanted to believe you could stay. I guess I'll never really know whether it was genuine or not... Which may haunt me but mostly I hope the answer to that question haunts you.

I risked everything because I loved you too much. Because I trusted you. Because you promised and you knew how important promises are to me...I guess it didn't mean the same thing to you.

I made my own choices and I take full responsibility for that but you played a part in this. I've lost everything because of you. My life will never be the same. I've lost my husband. My dreams for a family that were so close to coming true. I've lost friends and a community of people I thought would also always be there. They've disappointed me too.

I've learned to keep my circle small but most importantly to keep my heart sheltered. I give... But I don't really let people in that deeply anymore. The process of healing from that kind of abandonment almost destroyed me once... I'm not sure I could bear it again.

You've held power over me even to this day. Emotional triggers still exist. They still knock me over like a tsunami. Just when I think I'm standing strong...I fall so hard all over again. 

What you did has too much of a hold even now. The fears and anxieties that I had... The ones you helped me discover about myself. The deepest, most buried scars... Those are the ones you abused all over again when you left me the way you did. 

I know you had your reasons. You had to put yourself first. And I was too much for you to handle. 

The truth is I thought this would never end. I gave you all I had... And you took it... And ran away.

I will never be the same because of you, but I've determined that this won't be a tragedy anymore. I am different. Changed. Stronger. I have risen from the ashes of the fire you left burning inside. 

I won't go back. I will keep moving forward. Pushing myself never to settle. To never underestimate what I can do. To live outside the box of expectation. 

The one good thing you did for me is to show me how strong I can be... Alone. 

So thank you for walking away. For breaking my heart. For leaving me in pieces fighting to stand on my own without you every day while you stood silently by just watching like a disinterested spectator. I hope the show has been entertaining. That it gave you the rise you were hoping for. 

How you've been able to watch my life unravel without ever coming back to even tell me that you're sorry. To offer any type of support. To be any type of friend to me during the hardest time of my life. How you can live with yourself is beyond me. I don't understand it. 

The lack of love you've displayed through all this makes this harder to be honest. The closure I'll never have. The words I'll never get to say openly to you. The fact that I'll never get to look you in the eyes so you can see what you've done. 

But... It's time for me to stop haunting myself with these unfulfilled chasms of dreams. It's time for me to truly stand and close this chapter. 

Knowing you never fully cared the way I did for you. Accepting that I gave up everything for a boy who didn't know his own mind. Who took advantage of a girl who just wanted to be loved. Admitting that you destroyed a big piece of my heart and that it will take something or someone incredibly special to rebuild the damage you've done. These are the things I pull close to me on those dark nights. 

I wish I didn't but I do hope you're haunted by the damage you've done by your wreckless selfishness. I hope you break sometimes thinking of me. Knowing how much I loved you and how much you didn't deserve it. How you didn't ever really deserve me.. Because the truth is I wasn't too much for you. You weren't enough for me. 

Out of the Box - 3/2

He admits that we don't work well together. That our personalities have not meshed well for a long time. That as we've grown our beliefs and life philosophies have also changed. 

Yet despite all that he would be willing to take me back if I molded to his demands and beliefs, put myself back in a box that led me to severe seasons of depression and commit myself to a lifetime of misery being married to someone who I'm not in love with and who really doesn't appreciate who I am as a person. He would do all of that just because of duty. Not love. Duty. Responsibility.

I refuse to live a life of unhappiness chained to a man who doesn't really love me. They can persecute me for my decision all they want. I will not live in bondage anymore. I will not waste my life. We both deserve a chance to have a happy life. 

Our vows stated that we would love each other until death. But isn't that what we're doing here? I love him too much to keep him chained to a life of misery. I love him so much that I'm setting him free. He deserves a chance at happiness. Our life together has been a good one but we can't keep going like this. We owe it to each other to let each other go.

I am strong enough for this. Even if all my friends and family desert me, I will flourish. Because I know deep down in my heart that this is the right choice for me. It's not a popular one especially in Christian circles. It's not an easy path to walk, separating from everything I've ever known. To choose to move away from the safety net and step out into the unknown. But I'm ready.

I'm ready to make this move. To take those steps. No matter what that means for my social life. Because I want to be true to myself and I respect Clint too much to continue lying to myself and trying to be something I'm not. 

Magnetism - 2/25/18

I feel lost today... And I'm not even really sure why.

Next weekend I fly home to tell my parents about everything. I'm really nervous. I know it's my life and my decision. But the fear of letting them down is almost crippling at times.

I think I'm sad today. Lonely really. Days when I have no human interaction are hard for me to endure. All the boxes of emotion I have safely tucked away threaten to break open.

I struggle because the weekends are when I get to see Timothy. We've gotten a lot closer lately. It's apparent that there's a real connection there... For both of us. When he's here I feel safe and protected. He melts the emotion away with his presence because he's just so calm. He listens when I talk. He tries to understand and he never judges. He just accepts me for who I am. I think I'm falling for him... And I hate it.

I didn't want this but now that it's happening I can't stop it. We're just friends and I'm ok with that. I can't have another complicated relationship right now. My heart still hurts.

I had a rough week this week thinking about you. I don't know why but a lot of emotion that I hadn't dealt with in awhile came to the surface. 

What we had was real. It was one of the realest things I've ever felt. But it's like it never happened. You just disappeared. The insecurities and walls that I have because of that experience shape how I interact with men now. I'm always waiting for when they will leave. Preparing my heart for another fall. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. That I had less capability of big emotion. Just sitting here thinking about Timothy some day moving on, which is inevitable, makes me incredibly sad. I don't even really rely on him emotionally because we rarely talk throughout the week. But... It's that chemistry again. The same type I had with you. Magnetism.

I don't know what to do. How do you shut your heart down so you don't feel? So you don't get too attached or care too much?

I can't protect myself. I thought I could but I can't. I'm hopeless. This struggle and the pain of this life... Are overwhelming tonight. 

I took control of myself tonight. I cleaned out my closet, did some yoga, researched apartments in the area that I would be ok moving to. It helped get my mind straight.

I think I want my own place again. It would be nice to have a roommate but I think I need my own space for a little while. It's harder living alone but I think it's best for me for now. I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone consistently. I have the dogs of course but we'll have to share them so that will be tough. So many things to consider. But I think I'm ready to turn my brain off for the night. Too much thinking and it's gonna be a long week. 

My Calling - 2/19/18

I'm genuinely concerned... And I may not be able to do anything about it. I may have to just sit back and have faith that someone else is reaching out or that some way you're intervening Jesus. Please protect that little boy and his mom. Please help Timothy to find him and be able to protect him once again. Bring peace to his mind. He needs you right now. He needs to be shown that he can have faith in you to take care of himself and the ones he cares about.

He's so lost right now. He's looking to the wrong things to drown his pain and distract him. He needs to build healthy habits and rediscover himself. He needs to regain his strength. 

He's a good man. He's been through a lot and his life has brought him a lot of pain and heartache. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to process it much less to continue caring for your family while being strong for yourself at the same time. 

I don't know why I've been drawn to him. I don't know if it's because he needs me or because I need him or maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know if this is meant to just be a friendship or an actual relationship. I don't think I even really care anymore. I just know that I'm supposed to be here... And I'm ok with that. 

I'm well aware that I might get hurt in the process of all of this. I might get burned again... But if I give what I'm supposed to give while I'm here and do it in a balanced way then any pain that may result will be worth it. 

I know how to do this... How to love without borders. How to see what people need and assist as I can. I have these gifts to allow people to experience love the way all people should. I can love relentlessly and still keep myself intact... Because loving big is part of who I am. It's where I feel most myself.

People are not projects. They're people who need real, authentic love from other people. This new life I'm building will allow me the opportunities to love in this way like I've never been able to before. And I'm starting with Timothy.

This isn't for me. There's nothing I get from this. I get no glory. In fact I lose a little by opening myself in this way, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to take for someone who I'm being pulled to. Call it the pull of the universe or following God's calling in my life out whatever. All I know is that I can't stop listening to my heart and my heart has been pretty clear for awhile on this one. It's not fading or pulling back regardless of what I do to stop it. I have no choice now but to follow the calling I feel, regardless of where it takes me.

Big Plans - 2/17/18

This weekend was good. I almost always travel with Clint to see new places and even though I've gone on other girls only trips, this one was different. I was a single girl on my own... Almost like it was my maiden voyage.

I learned a couple things.

1. I don't need Clint to plan every detail of my trip for me to still have a great time exploring a new place.

2. I am smart and independent and I figure things out quickly. Exploring is like a drug to me.

3. The perfect travel buddy is really hard to find. I may need to get used to the idea that I can travel by myself.

These were empowering realizations. It's been a really tough week! Last Sunday Clint and I had the official in person talk where we decided together that is best for us to get a divorce and then talked about the timeline for that. All this week I've been hit with random feelings of nostalgia, sadness, and fear. It's overwhelming a lot of the time. This vacation came at a perfect time for sure... It's been a great distraction but also affirming to me that although my future is scary, I can do this.

It still sucks though you know? Clint is a great guy. He's someone I respect and trust... But his love for me over the years has changed. He still loves me for who I am but he's not in love with who I am and he can't be married to who I am now. I get that and I'm thankful he was finally able to admit that to himself and me.

The future is tough. Being single is hard. Being alone at night is worse. I am getting to the point where casual sex isn't doing it for me though. Thank you Timothy for that  :-/ 

I still don't know where I stand with him. I know he cares about me. He's said and done enough that I know that and maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe I just need to be content with what we have right now and not wonder if something else could happen. Maybe we just need each other right now. He's going through so much with his family right now and carrying such a burden. We both have heavy lives right now. Maybe it's best for both of us if we just enjoy the chemistry we have when it's convenient.

I think I can handle that for awhile. After all I don't think my heart can handle opening up again just yet... Especially for someone so damaged and unsure of where he stands in his own life. He would break me all over again if I let him. Although I know I'm strong now...I don't think I'm ready to voluntarily jump into that type of risk just yet. 

I have a good friend that invited me to come live with her at her house in Gardner. She has two giant dogs and travels all the time so she said it would be really great for her to have me there for that... Plus she would like the company lol

So I'm gonna think about it for the next month or so and see what works best. I'd save a lot of money that way which means I'd be able to pay off my school debt finally. Once I do that then maybe I can buy my own house out in the country somewhere. 

Big plans. My plans. I'm excited about them most days... But today I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from having to constantly hold myself up emotionally and act to the outside world that everything is peachy. Soon that will change... But not today.

Why Not? - 2/15/18

Because it's dangerous. He is dangerous.
It scares me to think about losing my heart again.
What if it doesn't end well?
What if my heart gets broken again?
I know who I am now.
I know what my goals are. What my needs are.
I know how to keep myself strong and rely on myself for strength.
I have an amazing group of friends who love and support me.
But is it enough?
Have I healed enough?
I know what real love is now. I know that it looks and feels differently to everyone.
It can't be compared between lovers.
Every relationship it's unique. Something you'll never have exactly the same with someone else.
Sometimes you love someone because they need you or you need them.
Sometimes there's a chemistry that pulls the two of you together like magnets.
A magnetism that rare is hard to find and even harder to replace or heal from when it's gone.
So is it worth it?
To risk being in such a good place and losing control.
What if I fall and no one is there to catch me?
I have capacities to give and love and nurture.
When is it ok to use those gifts?
To use them means I have to make a part of myself vulnerable.
I have to weigh the cost of that sacrifice with the unknown outcome.
The real question is do I have faith in love or chemistry anymore?
Do I trust that if I open my heart again it won't get stepped on?
Is he worth it?
Can i trust him with my heart?
Does he even know himself enough to be able injure trust his own heart?
I don't want to be someone else's mistake or regret.
I want to be their person. The one that completes them. The one they can't live without. Period.
I don't know if that's where this is headed but I want to give it a chance.
Does he see me as worth the risk too?

Stepping Through Fog - 2/6

Weekends are hard. I spend a lot of time alone which is why I almost always go out Friday and Saturday nights now. I have so many great people there that love and support me so it's usually refreshing... And entertaining. 

I was really struggling on Friday and I asked Pedro, my DJ, if he could avoid playing What Ifs. It was a simple request except that apparently several women asked for it... And he put them off. I didn't expect him to honor my wishes like that but he did it because he knows that song gets to me. He doesn't know why but he does know how important music is to me. 

Usually I can handle hearing the sappy love songs or What Ifs but this weekend I couldn't. And it was his sweetness that got me thru the weekend. The days were still hard but I enjoyed my nights.

Timothy came over on Friday again... This is really starting to become a thing. I don't know what it is about that boy but I cannot get enough of him. I don't want to think about the future or what will happen or if it will become a relationship or be an exclusive thing. I just know that I have fun when I'm with him. He treats me with respect. We have great sex. He makes me laugh. And he's so comfortable being quirky just like me. 

He's not expressive or super emotional... Being around him brings a sense of calmness to me. I'm able to relax and turn my brain off and just enjoy his company. For me... That's huge. 

It usually takes me until Tuesday to start feeling less depressed from so much time to myself. It's becoming a cycle and I need to figure out a way to break it somehow. 

I've been learning a lot about myself, about being single, about letting go of the past so I can move towards the future. This is hard but you said I'm strong enough and look how far I've come since then. Look at what I've accomplished. I may not be where I want to be but I'm living and I'm enjoying my life despite the hard. 

You said I could do this... And I still hold onto that when I'm having those moments where I feel like the world is crashing around me. Remembering what you saw in me once helps me break thru the fog and take one more step.

Vulnerable - 1/28

I had a moment last night and I don't really know what happened. 

I had a great connection with Timothy again Friday night. It's more than just physical. We actually mesh really well together. Our personalities and chemistry fit. We could literally sit and talk for hours and wouldn't even know it. And... He makes me laugh. He's got a great sense of humor and he knows how to have fun without limitations. I like that.

I know he's into me now... He did things differently this weekend. He made the first moves, not me. I'll never forget the look on his face as he walked across the dance floor straight to where I was sitting and asked me to dance. He doesn't do that... He doesn't have to. He gets asked to dance and never runs out of partners. Having him single me out like that was a big deal!

He opened up and shared some really private things with me about his family. That feeling of safety and trust in creating for him is so rewarding to me. He's had such a hard time lately and I'm glad I can bring him some peace and joy. 

Last night I got hit on by this guy, closer to my age, really cute, decent dancer, and mostly a gentleman... Except when he kissed me on the same floor. I'm all about men being forward but when you're grabbing body parts and stealing kisses in public 5 minutes after we just met... That just leaves me a bit on edge. He gave me his number but I don't think I'll text him. I know he was prolly just drunk and more forward than usual but I don't know. I'm just not into the dating thing right now...I don't want to be.

That actually really depressed me to be honest. Thinking about the connection I've had with Timothy lately and there are a couple other guys that I know and have this little game going but ultimately they're friends. I know them. It's not a romantic thing like that. This would've been... And I'm just not ready for that. 

All I wanted last night was to go home to someone who was familiar... To cuddle a little bit, talk. I just needed comfort knowing someone wanted to be with me just as much as I did with them. And I didn't get that.

But it's not all hopeless. Clint brought me lunch today and Jared came over and we had a movie day and just chilled. We didn't really even talk or do much of anything. It wasn't anything I wouldn't have done on my own BUT I wasn't alone. I was with a friend that knows me and who enjoys my company. And I needed that today so badly! 

I was fighting back tears this morning but having Jared here today helped take my mind off things plus we always have a good time together. He's basically like my little brother. I would do anything for that kid. 

I don't know what my problem is. I have so many people around me who care about me. I have only had 2 relationships go south and that's mainly because they weren't emotionally mature men and I shouldn't have invested time into them anyways. 

I see them on occasion on the weekends but we just pretend that we don't exist lol apparently that's the way people move on instead of working through things and communicating. Or at least how they do. But it bothers me to have something between me and someone regardless of what was done. It leaves me unsettled. Last night I was reminded of that lack of peace with both those men...I think that's what flipped my switch.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I actually held back tears as I stood on the dance floor. I just felt so incredibly alone and it overwhelmed me. 

Things won't always be like this but I do need to get better about dealing with this pain. I can't keep having these moments. Not in public. Not where I'm vulnerable.

No Expectations - 1/25/18

I had a realization today.

I don't have any faith in relationships anymore... Or love. 

Between what's happened with Clint and what happened with you, my faith in the institution of long term relationships is non-existent.

Does that stop me from building relationships? No. Does that stop me from loving people? No. But it does affect how high my guard is when meeting new people and how much I actually let them in.

It's almost like I'm living in the moment and enjoying it but always living with the expectation that some day that relationship will end. 

I have no expectations anymore when building new relationships and loving people. It's easier to move on and let people go of you've always had the expectation that eventually that will happen.

I didn't realize just how much I was living like this until today. I don't think it's an unhealthy way to live. It's self-protective. And right now that's where I need to be.

Maybe some day someone will change my mind... Who knows. For now, this is how I choose to live and love.

Danger - 1/24/18

I do not know what is wrong with me this week. I can not sleep and the funny thing is...I still feel energetic all day.

I don't know what the deal is. It's almost like my mind is running a million miles a minute and I can't make it stop. Last time I remember losing sleep like this... In a good way... Was when we were getting to know each other and made me giddy and excited to be alive. 

I think it's him. I think I've craved that connection for so long and we had that on Friday night. To be honest it scares me. I can't do this again. I can't let myself get wrapped up in something like that. I'm supposed to be a lone wolf from now on, just taking pleasure and companionship where I can.

This isn't safe or smart. 

The timing is so off and he's SO much younger and inexperienced at life than me. Plus there's zero chance he's interested, unless he's just incredibly good about playing it cool.

To be honest I think he's just used to having girls chase him and doesn't really know how to do it in return. I've been observing this guy for awhile... I've seen what little game he actually has lol

So does that mean I keep my distance? Make him come to me? I mean I'm not chatting with him much either during the week or in person. I'm giving him plenty of space and not being at all clingy while still stealing moments at times to show him that I'm still here. 

Hmmm....I hate this you know. I don't like complicated. I just want something simple. Something that fits. I don't like playing games and that's all that dating is these days.

I guess we'll find out this Friday night if he remembers the chemistry we had together last Friday. I may just play it light this weekend...I can't afford to sell my heart out again, especially for someone that isn't safe. And he is the worst kind of danger for me right now. He's the kind I just somehow can't seem to resist.