Vulnerable - 1/28

I had a moment last night and I don't really know what happened. 

I had a great connection with Timothy again Friday night. It's more than just physical. We actually mesh really well together. Our personalities and chemistry fit. We could literally sit and talk for hours and wouldn't even know it. And... He makes me laugh. He's got a great sense of humor and he knows how to have fun without limitations. I like that.

I know he's into me now... He did things differently this weekend. He made the first moves, not me. I'll never forget the look on his face as he walked across the dance floor straight to where I was sitting and asked me to dance. He doesn't do that... He doesn't have to. He gets asked to dance and never runs out of partners. Having him single me out like that was a big deal!

He opened up and shared some really private things with me about his family. That feeling of safety and trust in creating for him is so rewarding to me. He's had such a hard time lately and I'm glad I can bring him some peace and joy. 

Last night I got hit on by this guy, closer to my age, really cute, decent dancer, and mostly a gentleman... Except when he kissed me on the same floor. I'm all about men being forward but when you're grabbing body parts and stealing kisses in public 5 minutes after we just met... That just leaves me a bit on edge. He gave me his number but I don't think I'll text him. I know he was prolly just drunk and more forward than usual but I don't know. I'm just not into the dating thing right now...I don't want to be.

That actually really depressed me to be honest. Thinking about the connection I've had with Timothy lately and there are a couple other guys that I know and have this little game going but ultimately they're friends. I know them. It's not a romantic thing like that. This would've been... And I'm just not ready for that. 

All I wanted last night was to go home to someone who was familiar... To cuddle a little bit, talk. I just needed comfort knowing someone wanted to be with me just as much as I did with them. And I didn't get that.

But it's not all hopeless. Clint brought me lunch today and Jared came over and we had a movie day and just chilled. We didn't really even talk or do much of anything. It wasn't anything I wouldn't have done on my own BUT I wasn't alone. I was with a friend that knows me and who enjoys my company. And I needed that today so badly! 

I was fighting back tears this morning but having Jared here today helped take my mind off things plus we always have a good time together. He's basically like my little brother. I would do anything for that kid. 

I don't know what my problem is. I have so many people around me who care about me. I have only had 2 relationships go south and that's mainly because they weren't emotionally mature men and I shouldn't have invested time into them anyways. 

I see them on occasion on the weekends but we just pretend that we don't exist lol apparently that's the way people move on instead of working through things and communicating. Or at least how they do. But it bothers me to have something between me and someone regardless of what was done. It leaves me unsettled. Last night I was reminded of that lack of peace with both those men...I think that's what flipped my switch.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I actually held back tears as I stood on the dance floor. I just felt so incredibly alone and it overwhelmed me. 

Things won't always be like this but I do need to get better about dealing with this pain. I can't keep having these moments. Not in public. Not where I'm vulnerable.

No Expectations - 1/25/18

I had a realization today.

I don't have any faith in relationships anymore... Or love. 

Between what's happened with Clint and what happened with you, my faith in the institution of long term relationships is non-existent.

Does that stop me from building relationships? No. Does that stop me from loving people? No. But it does affect how high my guard is when meeting new people and how much I actually let them in.

It's almost like I'm living in the moment and enjoying it but always living with the expectation that some day that relationship will end. 

I have no expectations anymore when building new relationships and loving people. It's easier to move on and let people go of you've always had the expectation that eventually that will happen.

I didn't realize just how much I was living like this until today. I don't think it's an unhealthy way to live. It's self-protective. And right now that's where I need to be.

Maybe some day someone will change my mind... Who knows. For now, this is how I choose to live and love.

Danger - 1/24/18

I do not know what is wrong with me this week. I can not sleep and the funny thing is...I still feel energetic all day.

I don't know what the deal is. It's almost like my mind is running a million miles a minute and I can't make it stop. Last time I remember losing sleep like this... In a good way... Was when we were getting to know each other and made me giddy and excited to be alive. 

I think it's him. I think I've craved that connection for so long and we had that on Friday night. To be honest it scares me. I can't do this again. I can't let myself get wrapped up in something like that. I'm supposed to be a lone wolf from now on, just taking pleasure and companionship where I can.

This isn't safe or smart. 

The timing is so off and he's SO much younger and inexperienced at life than me. Plus there's zero chance he's interested, unless he's just incredibly good about playing it cool.

To be honest I think he's just used to having girls chase him and doesn't really know how to do it in return. I've been observing this guy for awhile... I've seen what little game he actually has lol

So does that mean I keep my distance? Make him come to me? I mean I'm not chatting with him much either during the week or in person. I'm giving him plenty of space and not being at all clingy while still stealing moments at times to show him that I'm still here. 

Hmmm....I hate this you know. I don't like complicated. I just want something simple. Something that fits. I don't like playing games and that's all that dating is these days.

I guess we'll find out this Friday night if he remembers the chemistry we had together last Friday. I may just play it light this weekend...I can't afford to sell my heart out again, especially for someone that isn't safe. And he is the worst kind of danger for me right now. He's the kind I just somehow can't seem to resist.

Heart Beats - 1/23/18

I wish I could talk to you... Like really talk to you. Catch up on all the things.

So many things have happened. So many details you've missed. So much I want to get your advice on. So many stories that you would probably just shake your head at laughing at me and my ignorance lol... I am learning tho.

Friday night was... Just wow. I had such a great time at Kanza. I didn't even dance much cuz I pulled a hamstring a couple weeks ago so I have to be careful until it heals. But I just had so much fun talking with people. I ended up taking a couple friends home that needed rides. It was great! I've met so many amazing people and I just love it. It's amazing how when you need it most you find community in places you least expect it.

I brought someone home on Friday... Someone that just gets to me somehow. You know... That feeling you get that draws you to them. Blind hopefulness that won't go away... Like a magnet.

I've been with him before but we were basically both goners when we hooked up that night so it doesn't completely count. I promised myself we'd get a second chance so I've just been keeping my distance and enjoying the small moments I get to connect with him and keep the spark or friendship or whatever it is going.

Friday night was different for us. We talked, we goofed around...I haven't laughed like that in a long time. He's young, more mature in ways than most guys his age, but he'd never really be into me. He's the type that gets all the models... And deserves to. The most I can do is be his friend and show him what a real woman can be like. Maybe give him something to hope for as he searches. If I can manage that... Even if nothing comes of us more than friendship, then it's worth it.

To be honest, Friday night was some of my best work. I can't remember when I've been able to get into my comfort zone on bed like that aside from when I was with you. He actually reminds me a lot of you...The strong, silent type with more insecurities than he cares to admit. ;-) he just is who he is, despite his trust issues. He doesn't care what people think but he doesn't share a lot of personal things either. He cherishes the people who he actually let's into his safety zone.

He's amazing on the dance floor and one of my favorite partners... When I can steal him away from all the girls pining to dance with him lol

We made a connection this weekend and I know he could feel it to. The way he hugged me when he said good bye was different than normal...I let go first. And Saturday night when he was dancing and caught my eye sitting on the side, there was genuine recognition there. Mutual respect. Admiration even. 

I can't make this into anything. His life is a mess and mine is just crazy right now. I'm not trying to pursue anything. But... He made me feel again you know? Got my heart beating. Gave me the chance to be everything I wanted to be and he just appreciated me for it in those moments. 

We're not meant to be... He's too much of a diva lol

But maybe I was meant to have that connection Friday night. To be reminded that there is life after this. After my marriage. After you. Maybe I needed my heart to effortlessly beat again without me begging it to. 

I used to feel that way with you. It was rejuvenating to catch a glimpse of that feeling again... Even if just for a moment in time. 

Judgment - 1/18/18

People are going to judge you based on small snippets of perspective into your life. They judge your actions, your appearance, your motivations.

Just because they form opinions about who you are doesn't make them right. You alone get to choose who you are and what you stand for.

We all make mistakes. We all go through mountains and valleys. We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could change.

That doesn't make us useless or worthless. It makes us human.

Anyone who puts themselves higher than another person because they feel like they haven't made as many bad choices as them is fooling themselves. 

We all hurt people with our choices sometimes. We all hurt ourselves. None of us deserve a second chance.

I want to remember these moments where I feel alone and rejected by people I once called my closest friends and family. I want to remember it not because I want to hold a grudge or become bitter.

If I did that I'd be withholding the same grace and forgiveness I seek after in my own life. 

I want to remember these feelings because most people forget what it feels like to be at the bottom. To force yourself every day to get out of bed, to put a smile on your face, to walk through your day without dragging the drama of your life with you everywhere you go. Most people don't know what it's like to live with crippling guilt and remorse. To put so much energy into being strong emotionally that you're completely exhausted by the end of the day.

Most people don't understand that although you've made some terrible mistakes and you've hurt people you love, you live with that regret every day. That you'll never forgive yourself for not realizing certain things about yourself and your life sooner.

This is what I live with. This is my life. It won't be my future but it is my present. I hope I never forget the pain. When you forget pain, you lose empathy, and when you lose empathy it becomes incredibly difficult to meet people where they're at emotionally.

I may be scrutinized and judged, rejected, alone... But I'm not lost. As long as I hold onto who I am and the hope that some day I'll be able to use all these choices and challenges to help other people... Then the fight right now is worth it. 

I have lost almost everyone that has ever known me in some form or another simply because they stopped trying to understand, to think the best instead of assuming the worst about my motivations and my character. 

Even Clint is gone now... Refusing to speak to me because apparently I'm a whore and he just can't understand how I find it acceptable to sleep with other men while we've been separated even though I was honest with him about it before I moved out. 

I've never confirmed it. I kept it from him on his request but he couldn't let it go. He never can. He always has to know everything. It was either lie or confirm that I had. I chose to tell the truth... He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days. I've been told that I'd have to repent of my ways and change, conform to traditional values before he would take me back.

These types of words and philosophies from him are exactly what's made living in this box so unbearable. Being denied the right to make my own choices and what's best for me simply because he doesn't want to push the boundaries of what's right and wrong. 

He's safe, cautious... Always has been. He's loved me but he's always struggled with who I am. There have been countless occasions where I've felt belittled or worthless because he didn't like me being myself in a certain situation. He got embarrassed by me often and always let me know. The times he was proud of my wild and crazy side are rare. 

I've never truly been able to be myself until recently... And the me I am right now is strong and confident. She's beautiful inside and out. She loves people deeply and invests her time and energy into people that need her. She's a little wild and a little crazy at times but she keeps a level head. She's brave and determined. She will not be taken advantage of again. She will not be put back in a box.

She is the person I want to be. 

So I may be fighting on a daily basis and struggling to take every step forward but I am who I want to be and I'm becoming her more and more every day. If people can't get behind who I am, then they can kiss my ass goodbye. 

I don't have time for people who think they're better than everyone else just because they've lived a safe life and have never allowed themselves to make mistakes and fall. They're the cowards that live behind curtains of fear and shame.

I refuse to live that way any longer. I refuse to be tied down by a set of standards that make people feel scorned when they make simple mistakes. 

I am free. 

Freedom - 1/16/18

Today I felt empowered. At peace. Ready to move forward. 

I'm not really sure what came over me. 

I think in a way I already knew this was coming but I was waiting for Clint to get on the same page with me. I didn't want to be the one to leave. I wanted this to be a decision we made together and yesterday that's what happened. 

Now that we're here and I don't have to wonder anymore about which direction to go I feel this amazing weight lifted off of me. 

I know this is right. I'm ready for this. It will be hard on a lot of levels but it's right. I'm ready to move forward at closing this chapter of my life and moving on to the next. 

Surprisingly I'm not looking for anyone to come be with me. I don't even want it. I want to be alone. I want to enjoy the casualness and freedom of being unattached for awhile.

It will give me time to figure a lot of things out. To determine what I really want out of life. To heal emotionally and get to a better place with knowing who I am. 

You were right you know? I am strong. I can do this. I've overcome so much... Not without slip up's every now and then for sure, but I'm doing it. I'm living the life I want because for once I'm making all the choices and it's based on what I want... Not anyone else!

Just wow... The smile on my face could not get any bigger right now.

This is my time. I will not be held back by anyone or anything. It's my time to shine and all the haters can just keep in hating... Cuz this is my life and it's time I started living it!

Finally Done - 1/15/18

Clint and I are done. 

We talked today about how this weekend was very affirming of that... For both of us. We both feel the same way. We've grown too different to keep going. Staying together would be a short term bandaid and would only make us both miserable in the end. 

We're not signing papers or anything like that yet but I this conversation felt very final to me. There were no "what ifs" or "maybes". We talked plain about the here and now. 

I'm sad but I knew this was coming. Perhaps that's why it's been so easy for me to jump into the single life. I already knew that was my future. It's wrong for me to keep dragging it along. We need to be done. I can't keep hurting him.

I have so many emotional scars right now. I don't know if I'll ever heal. I've spent years trying to conform and live in the box that I thought I was supposed to be. Even today Clint made me feel so small just because he disagreed with me about something. 

I'm tired of living like that. Living like I'm defined by my failures. Like there's no grace for me. No hope for happiness. I've lived like that for so long. I am that way by nature but then you add all the things from my conservative childhood on top of that and a husband who has never failed at anything in his life because he's too cautious to try something that might not work out.... Then judging me for having the courage to step out and do the "abnormal" thing. 

I'm a mess. On so many levels.

I don't feel like I even deserve to be loved. Like I'm worthless...a lost cause.

That needs to be healed first before I'll ever get anywhere with my life. 

These are big and small steps. I'm scared. I don't know where to go with all this. Very few understand. Very few listen without judging. I feel alone a lot of the time. 

I don't know what the right move is forward or how to get myself pointed in the right direction. I should sit down and make a plan. Figure things out.

But my heart hurts. And I've been crying all day.

So tonight, just for tonight, I'll down my sorrows in a bottle of wine and hope that tomorrow the sun comes back out.

Maybe that will help me get out of bed and put a noticable smile on my face.

Maybe.

Without Fire - 1/9/18

I'm beginning to realize something...

I'm still not over you. It's not Clint I'm trying to replace... It's what I had with you.

I didn't realize how much losing you was still controlling me.

How I've been searching in all these connections for the chemistry and freedom I had with you.

It also explains why I'm thrown so much when men disappoint me or the relationship doesn't work out... It's like I relive that rejection all over again. 

I relive you leaving and the emotions all hit me again. 

I still get chills if I allow myself to think about it for too long.

There are still songs I can't listen to without my eyes welling with tears. 

You damaged me...I don't know if I'll ever be the same. If I'll ever be able to trust that someone won't walk away if I let them see all of me.

You were different than Clint. Clint has stayed out of duty. Of course he cares about me but I think it's becoming more and more clear to both of us that it hasn't been because he can't live without me. He doesn't have that romantic love for me either. He's just a lot better at living inside society's box than I am.

If this is all true tho... I'm never going to figure things out. How do you replace someone who's left a hole in your heart? No one can do that... Even Clint falls short.

Am I fucked then? Just left to roam this life by myself floating from relationship to relationship never really feeling fulfilled or connected to anyone? Is this my destiny in love? I was only able to really experience it once... But I wasn't able to keep it? 

I know I've made some wrong choices in my life but what did I ever do to deserve a life without a love that sets you on fire? 

I guess I'll never know what's it's really like again to have that. I barely was able to know it before it was taken from me. This is my life now. I have to learn to accept that I may never have that again.

Living on the Wild Side - 1/8

Awake way too early... Been struggling with sleep and eating these days and I'm not really sure why. 

I just keep replaying things in my head. Last weekend was a lot of fun. A fairly healthy distraction from life. Re-established a friendship that had gone south for a short time so that's always nice. I don't like things being unsettled between me and ppl I care about. 

I also discovered that apparently I have game... So that's cool. I never thought at this point in my life I would just be able to spin around and choose which guy I wanted for the night. They're all "friends" or at least ppl I know well enough to trust with that sort of thing so it works for me. I've discovered that that's all I really need in a sexual relationship.

Obviously I always desire more, a connection, a spark, but this works for now. I don't do random strangers although I've had the opportunity to a few times. I'm trying to play it safe. 

I don't want to be a slut that just sleeps with random ppl all the time. Even with my current rotation I really only have one that's a true regular. The rest are just there on the side lines for backup if needed but I try not to do that unless absolutely necessary... Or apparently if I've been drinking lol

I'm ok with this for now. It won't be my life forever but I'm enjoying the experiences I'm having. I spend so much of my time thinking about life and the future that it's nice to have a distraction on the weekend to escape from myself. 

I know now that that's actually healthy for me to do as long as I'm keeping a balance with my time and still taking moments to sort through things emotionally. 

It's hard though sometimes. Some of these guys are really good guys that would be dating material if it ever came to that. 

In fact there is one in particular that I feel would be a good fit for me but he's a little damaged too. He's definitely interested in me but in a relationship not so much. And I'm ok with that. I'm not looking for that right now either... Clearly. But maybe some day...I don't know. I just know that a guy like that is one I'm gonna take my time with and not push so that's what I've been trying to do. 

I have a close friend who's been there for me over the past couple months. We have a FWB situation going on and got the most part it works. There's no attraction there for me or romantic chemistry at all but we get along great and the sex is probably some of the best I've ever had. 

It scares me though... Getting close like that and letting someone in. Even on a friendship level is hard for me to let go. I keep a lot tucked away and focus more on helping him through things. I just can't become dependant on any one person for emotional support again. I have to keep it spread out and if that means I never have a full on long term relationship again then so be it. I'll still have people in my life that care... But I'll be less vulnerable that way. 

I have to be smart about all these things. The sex, the connections, the distractions... All of it has to be balanced. It may seem to some like I'm living on the wild side but I don't feel like I am. I'm being careful still with these choices. I'm just letting myself be more free than I have before. And that to me is ok... Regardless of what anyone else says.

Tears to Joy - 1/3/18

Maybe there is hope in all this... Maybe some day my tears will be turned to joy. 

God can use this... All of this hurt and pain and bad choices. I don't know how. I can't fathom the work it would take but it's possible. I don't know what it will look like to see all this heartache with a different spin on it... One that hurts a little less and benefits myself and others a little more. 

I don't know how that will work. But I have hope that if I keep pressing forward. I keep seeking the things that make me better, make me who I was always meant to be... That some day this will all mean something. 

Talking to a friend tonight who's in a different place circumstantially but similar place emotionally. She looks on as other people seem to get her dreams. She keeps pressing forward despite how hard life is alone. Its been encouraging to reconnect with her over the past few months. She's challenged me and I hope I've been able to do the same. She helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel... The possibility. She shows me that I'm still worth fighting for. She tells me I'm brave.

I don't believe her of course but it's good to hear that what I'm doing is encouraging someone else not to give up on their dreams.

Many times, like tonight, I find myself telling her what I've told myself so often recently. You are brave. You are strong. You'll have your moments when you doubt and you're allowed to feel the despair but never lose your hope. It's ironic how her and I take turns repeating the same mantra back to each other. It's good to have a friend like this. One you can be real with. One who sees the ugly that could be there but chooses to show you the beauty behind it instead. 

This is the type of friend and person I want to be. Someone who sees the best in people and situations. I know that path sometimes leads to heartache and pain... Broken relationships and shattered dreams and expectations. But what is living life on the safe side, never allowing yourself the chance to truly experience it. 

I know I'll make mistakes...I already have, but no one can ever accuse me of not living. 

I don't want to be someone who's reckless. Wisdom comes with living life to its fullest. I want to use my failures to make me stronger. To be better. This is my true motivation for walking through this daily battle. 

Some day... There will be joy. Some day I'll be better because of this. Because of you. Because I'm choosing not to give up. 

Starting Alone - 1/1/18

I don't do alone very well...

I've discovered that I'm very good at distraction and keeping busy. All the relationships and events... They're just time fillers. 

I still don't know what to do with my life. Which direction to go. 

I cry every time I leave home. I miss Clint. I miss our life together. I miss my babies.

But those are just emotions. Just because I have those feelings doesn't mean it's right to stay together or that it makes practical sense in the long run. 

These are the big questions I eventually need to find solid answers to.

Right now I just hurt. I cry. I fill my time with healthy things and people. I try to make good choices. 

Honestly...I just feel very, very alone.