From the Ashes - 4/24

I've been thinking about this for awhile... Trying to find the right words to fully express what I want to say. I don't know that there will ever be the right words to capture what I feel.

There's been so much division and conflict within me because of you. Because you contradicted everything you ever told me. You were the one. The only one to dig and peel back the layers with meticulous patience and you did it... You finally got me to fully trust you. To rely on you. Depend on you emotionally like I've never allowed myself before. 

Everyone I've ever allowed in to see the real heartbeats of who I am has always left or ended up rejecting what they saw. Every time. 

You were supposed to be different. You promised you would be.

I still don't know if you ever really meant it or if you just wanted to believe you could stay. I guess I'll never really know whether it was genuine or not... Which may haunt me but mostly I hope the answer to that question haunts you.

I risked everything because I loved you too much. Because I trusted you. Because you promised and you knew how important promises are to me...I guess it didn't mean the same thing to you.

I made my own choices and I take full responsibility for that but you played a part in this. I've lost everything because of you. My life will never be the same. I've lost my husband. My dreams for a family that were so close to coming true. I've lost friends and a community of people I thought would also always be there. They've disappointed me too.

I've learned to keep my circle small but most importantly to keep my heart sheltered. I give... But I don't really let people in that deeply anymore. The process of healing from that kind of abandonment almost destroyed me once... I'm not sure I could bear it again.

You've held power over me even to this day. Emotional triggers still exist. They still knock me over like a tsunami. Just when I think I'm standing strong...I fall so hard all over again. 

What you did has too much of a hold even now. The fears and anxieties that I had... The ones you helped me discover about myself. The deepest, most buried scars... Those are the ones you abused all over again when you left me the way you did. 

I know you had your reasons. You had to put yourself first. And I was too much for you to handle. 

The truth is I thought this would never end. I gave you all I had... And you took it... And ran away.

I will never be the same because of you, but I've determined that this won't be a tragedy anymore. I am different. Changed. Stronger. I have risen from the ashes of the fire you left burning inside. 

I won't go back. I will keep moving forward. Pushing myself never to settle. To never underestimate what I can do. To live outside the box of expectation. 

The one good thing you did for me is to show me how strong I can be... Alone. 

So thank you for walking away. For breaking my heart. For leaving me in pieces fighting to stand on my own without you every day while you stood silently by just watching like a disinterested spectator. I hope the show has been entertaining. That it gave you the rise you were hoping for. 

How you've been able to watch my life unravel without ever coming back to even tell me that you're sorry. To offer any type of support. To be any type of friend to me during the hardest time of my life. How you can live with yourself is beyond me. I don't understand it. 

The lack of love you've displayed through all this makes this harder to be honest. The closure I'll never have. The words I'll never get to say openly to you. The fact that I'll never get to look you in the eyes so you can see what you've done. 

But... It's time for me to stop haunting myself with these unfulfilled chasms of dreams. It's time for me to truly stand and close this chapter. 

Knowing you never fully cared the way I did for you. Accepting that I gave up everything for a boy who didn't know his own mind. Who took advantage of a girl who just wanted to be loved. Admitting that you destroyed a big piece of my heart and that it will take something or someone incredibly special to rebuild the damage you've done. These are the things I pull close to me on those dark nights. 

I wish I didn't but I do hope you're haunted by the damage you've done by your wreckless selfishness. I hope you break sometimes thinking of me. Knowing how much I loved you and how much you didn't deserve it. How you didn't ever really deserve me.. Because the truth is I wasn't too much for you. You weren't enough for me. 

Out of the Box - 3/2

He admits that we don't work well together. That our personalities have not meshed well for a long time. That as we've grown our beliefs and life philosophies have also changed. 

Yet despite all that he would be willing to take me back if I molded to his demands and beliefs, put myself back in a box that led me to severe seasons of depression and commit myself to a lifetime of misery being married to someone who I'm not in love with and who really doesn't appreciate who I am as a person. He would do all of that just because of duty. Not love. Duty. Responsibility.

I refuse to live a life of unhappiness chained to a man who doesn't really love me. They can persecute me for my decision all they want. I will not live in bondage anymore. I will not waste my life. We both deserve a chance to have a happy life. 

Our vows stated that we would love each other until death. But isn't that what we're doing here? I love him too much to keep him chained to a life of misery. I love him so much that I'm setting him free. He deserves a chance at happiness. Our life together has been a good one but we can't keep going like this. We owe it to each other to let each other go.

I am strong enough for this. Even if all my friends and family desert me, I will flourish. Because I know deep down in my heart that this is the right choice for me. It's not a popular one especially in Christian circles. It's not an easy path to walk, separating from everything I've ever known. To choose to move away from the safety net and step out into the unknown. But I'm ready.

I'm ready to make this move. To take those steps. No matter what that means for my social life. Because I want to be true to myself and I respect Clint too much to continue lying to myself and trying to be something I'm not. 

Magnetism - 2/25/18

I feel lost today... And I'm not even really sure why.

Next weekend I fly home to tell my parents about everything. I'm really nervous. I know it's my life and my decision. But the fear of letting them down is almost crippling at times.

I think I'm sad today. Lonely really. Days when I have no human interaction are hard for me to endure. All the boxes of emotion I have safely tucked away threaten to break open.

I struggle because the weekends are when I get to see Timothy. We've gotten a lot closer lately. It's apparent that there's a real connection there... For both of us. When he's here I feel safe and protected. He melts the emotion away with his presence because he's just so calm. He listens when I talk. He tries to understand and he never judges. He just accepts me for who I am. I think I'm falling for him... And I hate it.

I didn't want this but now that it's happening I can't stop it. We're just friends and I'm ok with that. I can't have another complicated relationship right now. My heart still hurts.

I had a rough week this week thinking about you. I don't know why but a lot of emotion that I hadn't dealt with in awhile came to the surface. 

What we had was real. It was one of the realest things I've ever felt. But it's like it never happened. You just disappeared. The insecurities and walls that I have because of that experience shape how I interact with men now. I'm always waiting for when they will leave. Preparing my heart for another fall. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. That I had less capability of big emotion. Just sitting here thinking about Timothy some day moving on, which is inevitable, makes me incredibly sad. I don't even really rely on him emotionally because we rarely talk throughout the week. But... It's that chemistry again. The same type I had with you. Magnetism.

I don't know what to do. How do you shut your heart down so you don't feel? So you don't get too attached or care too much?

I can't protect myself. I thought I could but I can't. I'm hopeless. This struggle and the pain of this life... Are overwhelming tonight. 

I took control of myself tonight. I cleaned out my closet, did some yoga, researched apartments in the area that I would be ok moving to. It helped get my mind straight.

I think I want my own place again. It would be nice to have a roommate but I think I need my own space for a little while. It's harder living alone but I think it's best for me for now. I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone consistently. I have the dogs of course but we'll have to share them so that will be tough. So many things to consider. But I think I'm ready to turn my brain off for the night. Too much thinking and it's gonna be a long week. 

My Calling - 2/19/18

I'm genuinely concerned... And I may not be able to do anything about it. I may have to just sit back and have faith that someone else is reaching out or that some way you're intervening Jesus. Please protect that little boy and his mom. Please help Timothy to find him and be able to protect him once again. Bring peace to his mind. He needs you right now. He needs to be shown that he can have faith in you to take care of himself and the ones he cares about.

He's so lost right now. He's looking to the wrong things to drown his pain and distract him. He needs to build healthy habits and rediscover himself. He needs to regain his strength. 

He's a good man. He's been through a lot and his life has brought him a lot of pain and heartache. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to process it much less to continue caring for your family while being strong for yourself at the same time. 

I don't know why I've been drawn to him. I don't know if it's because he needs me or because I need him or maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know if this is meant to just be a friendship or an actual relationship. I don't think I even really care anymore. I just know that I'm supposed to be here... And I'm ok with that. 

I'm well aware that I might get hurt in the process of all of this. I might get burned again... But if I give what I'm supposed to give while I'm here and do it in a balanced way then any pain that may result will be worth it. 

I know how to do this... How to love without borders. How to see what people need and assist as I can. I have these gifts to allow people to experience love the way all people should. I can love relentlessly and still keep myself intact... Because loving big is part of who I am. It's where I feel most myself.

People are not projects. They're people who need real, authentic love from other people. This new life I'm building will allow me the opportunities to love in this way like I've never been able to before. And I'm starting with Timothy.

This isn't for me. There's nothing I get from this. I get no glory. In fact I lose a little by opening myself in this way, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to take for someone who I'm being pulled to. Call it the pull of the universe or following God's calling in my life out whatever. All I know is that I can't stop listening to my heart and my heart has been pretty clear for awhile on this one. It's not fading or pulling back regardless of what I do to stop it. I have no choice now but to follow the calling I feel, regardless of where it takes me.

Big Plans - 2/17/18

This weekend was good. I almost always travel with Clint to see new places and even though I've gone on other girls only trips, this one was different. I was a single girl on my own... Almost like it was my maiden voyage.

I learned a couple things.

1. I don't need Clint to plan every detail of my trip for me to still have a great time exploring a new place.

2. I am smart and independent and I figure things out quickly. Exploring is like a drug to me.

3. The perfect travel buddy is really hard to find. I may need to get used to the idea that I can travel by myself.

These were empowering realizations. It's been a really tough week! Last Sunday Clint and I had the official in person talk where we decided together that is best for us to get a divorce and then talked about the timeline for that. All this week I've been hit with random feelings of nostalgia, sadness, and fear. It's overwhelming a lot of the time. This vacation came at a perfect time for sure... It's been a great distraction but also affirming to me that although my future is scary, I can do this.

It still sucks though you know? Clint is a great guy. He's someone I respect and trust... But his love for me over the years has changed. He still loves me for who I am but he's not in love with who I am and he can't be married to who I am now. I get that and I'm thankful he was finally able to admit that to himself and me.

The future is tough. Being single is hard. Being alone at night is worse. I am getting to the point where casual sex isn't doing it for me though. Thank you Timothy for that  :-/ 

I still don't know where I stand with him. I know he cares about me. He's said and done enough that I know that and maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe I just need to be content with what we have right now and not wonder if something else could happen. Maybe we just need each other right now. He's going through so much with his family right now and carrying such a burden. We both have heavy lives right now. Maybe it's best for both of us if we just enjoy the chemistry we have when it's convenient.

I think I can handle that for awhile. After all I don't think my heart can handle opening up again just yet... Especially for someone so damaged and unsure of where he stands in his own life. He would break me all over again if I let him. Although I know I'm strong now...I don't think I'm ready to voluntarily jump into that type of risk just yet. 

I have a good friend that invited me to come live with her at her house in Gardner. She has two giant dogs and travels all the time so she said it would be really great for her to have me there for that... Plus she would like the company lol

So I'm gonna think about it for the next month or so and see what works best. I'd save a lot of money that way which means I'd be able to pay off my school debt finally. Once I do that then maybe I can buy my own house out in the country somewhere. 

Big plans. My plans. I'm excited about them most days... But today I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from having to constantly hold myself up emotionally and act to the outside world that everything is peachy. Soon that will change... But not today.

Why Not? - 2/15/18

Because it's dangerous. He is dangerous.
It scares me to think about losing my heart again.
What if it doesn't end well?
What if my heart gets broken again?
I know who I am now.
I know what my goals are. What my needs are.
I know how to keep myself strong and rely on myself for strength.
I have an amazing group of friends who love and support me.
But is it enough?
Have I healed enough?
I know what real love is now. I know that it looks and feels differently to everyone.
It can't be compared between lovers.
Every relationship it's unique. Something you'll never have exactly the same with someone else.
Sometimes you love someone because they need you or you need them.
Sometimes there's a chemistry that pulls the two of you together like magnets.
A magnetism that rare is hard to find and even harder to replace or heal from when it's gone.
So is it worth it?
To risk being in such a good place and losing control.
What if I fall and no one is there to catch me?
I have capacities to give and love and nurture.
When is it ok to use those gifts?
To use them means I have to make a part of myself vulnerable.
I have to weigh the cost of that sacrifice with the unknown outcome.
The real question is do I have faith in love or chemistry anymore?
Do I trust that if I open my heart again it won't get stepped on?
Is he worth it?
Can i trust him with my heart?
Does he even know himself enough to be able injure trust his own heart?
I don't want to be someone else's mistake or regret.
I want to be their person. The one that completes them. The one they can't live without. Period.
I don't know if that's where this is headed but I want to give it a chance.
Does he see me as worth the risk too?

Stepping Through Fog - 2/6

Weekends are hard. I spend a lot of time alone which is why I almost always go out Friday and Saturday nights now. I have so many great people there that love and support me so it's usually refreshing... And entertaining. 

I was really struggling on Friday and I asked Pedro, my DJ, if he could avoid playing What Ifs. It was a simple request except that apparently several women asked for it... And he put them off. I didn't expect him to honor my wishes like that but he did it because he knows that song gets to me. He doesn't know why but he does know how important music is to me. 

Usually I can handle hearing the sappy love songs or What Ifs but this weekend I couldn't. And it was his sweetness that got me thru the weekend. The days were still hard but I enjoyed my nights.

Timothy came over on Friday again... This is really starting to become a thing. I don't know what it is about that boy but I cannot get enough of him. I don't want to think about the future or what will happen or if it will become a relationship or be an exclusive thing. I just know that I have fun when I'm with him. He treats me with respect. We have great sex. He makes me laugh. And he's so comfortable being quirky just like me. 

He's not expressive or super emotional... Being around him brings a sense of calmness to me. I'm able to relax and turn my brain off and just enjoy his company. For me... That's huge. 

It usually takes me until Tuesday to start feeling less depressed from so much time to myself. It's becoming a cycle and I need to figure out a way to break it somehow. 

I've been learning a lot about myself, about being single, about letting go of the past so I can move towards the future. This is hard but you said I'm strong enough and look how far I've come since then. Look at what I've accomplished. I may not be where I want to be but I'm living and I'm enjoying my life despite the hard. 

You said I could do this... And I still hold onto that when I'm having those moments where I feel like the world is crashing around me. Remembering what you saw in me once helps me break thru the fog and take one more step.

Vulnerable - 1/28

I had a moment last night and I don't really know what happened. 

I had a great connection with Timothy again Friday night. It's more than just physical. We actually mesh really well together. Our personalities and chemistry fit. We could literally sit and talk for hours and wouldn't even know it. And... He makes me laugh. He's got a great sense of humor and he knows how to have fun without limitations. I like that.

I know he's into me now... He did things differently this weekend. He made the first moves, not me. I'll never forget the look on his face as he walked across the dance floor straight to where I was sitting and asked me to dance. He doesn't do that... He doesn't have to. He gets asked to dance and never runs out of partners. Having him single me out like that was a big deal!

He opened up and shared some really private things with me about his family. That feeling of safety and trust in creating for him is so rewarding to me. He's had such a hard time lately and I'm glad I can bring him some peace and joy. 

Last night I got hit on by this guy, closer to my age, really cute, decent dancer, and mostly a gentleman... Except when he kissed me on the same floor. I'm all about men being forward but when you're grabbing body parts and stealing kisses in public 5 minutes after we just met... That just leaves me a bit on edge. He gave me his number but I don't think I'll text him. I know he was prolly just drunk and more forward than usual but I don't know. I'm just not into the dating thing right now...I don't want to be.

That actually really depressed me to be honest. Thinking about the connection I've had with Timothy lately and there are a couple other guys that I know and have this little game going but ultimately they're friends. I know them. It's not a romantic thing like that. This would've been... And I'm just not ready for that. 

All I wanted last night was to go home to someone who was familiar... To cuddle a little bit, talk. I just needed comfort knowing someone wanted to be with me just as much as I did with them. And I didn't get that.

But it's not all hopeless. Clint brought me lunch today and Jared came over and we had a movie day and just chilled. We didn't really even talk or do much of anything. It wasn't anything I wouldn't have done on my own BUT I wasn't alone. I was with a friend that knows me and who enjoys my company. And I needed that today so badly! 

I was fighting back tears this morning but having Jared here today helped take my mind off things plus we always have a good time together. He's basically like my little brother. I would do anything for that kid. 

I don't know what my problem is. I have so many people around me who care about me. I have only had 2 relationships go south and that's mainly because they weren't emotionally mature men and I shouldn't have invested time into them anyways. 

I see them on occasion on the weekends but we just pretend that we don't exist lol apparently that's the way people move on instead of working through things and communicating. Or at least how they do. But it bothers me to have something between me and someone regardless of what was done. It leaves me unsettled. Last night I was reminded of that lack of peace with both those men...I think that's what flipped my switch.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I actually held back tears as I stood on the dance floor. I just felt so incredibly alone and it overwhelmed me. 

Things won't always be like this but I do need to get better about dealing with this pain. I can't keep having these moments. Not in public. Not where I'm vulnerable.

No Expectations - 1/25/18

I had a realization today.

I don't have any faith in relationships anymore... Or love. 

Between what's happened with Clint and what happened with you, my faith in the institution of long term relationships is non-existent.

Does that stop me from building relationships? No. Does that stop me from loving people? No. But it does affect how high my guard is when meeting new people and how much I actually let them in.

It's almost like I'm living in the moment and enjoying it but always living with the expectation that some day that relationship will end. 

I have no expectations anymore when building new relationships and loving people. It's easier to move on and let people go of you've always had the expectation that eventually that will happen.

I didn't realize just how much I was living like this until today. I don't think it's an unhealthy way to live. It's self-protective. And right now that's where I need to be.

Maybe some day someone will change my mind... Who knows. For now, this is how I choose to live and love.

Danger - 1/24/18

I do not know what is wrong with me this week. I can not sleep and the funny thing is...I still feel energetic all day.

I don't know what the deal is. It's almost like my mind is running a million miles a minute and I can't make it stop. Last time I remember losing sleep like this... In a good way... Was when we were getting to know each other and made me giddy and excited to be alive. 

I think it's him. I think I've craved that connection for so long and we had that on Friday night. To be honest it scares me. I can't do this again. I can't let myself get wrapped up in something like that. I'm supposed to be a lone wolf from now on, just taking pleasure and companionship where I can.

This isn't safe or smart. 

The timing is so off and he's SO much younger and inexperienced at life than me. Plus there's zero chance he's interested, unless he's just incredibly good about playing it cool.

To be honest I think he's just used to having girls chase him and doesn't really know how to do it in return. I've been observing this guy for awhile... I've seen what little game he actually has lol

So does that mean I keep my distance? Make him come to me? I mean I'm not chatting with him much either during the week or in person. I'm giving him plenty of space and not being at all clingy while still stealing moments at times to show him that I'm still here. 

Hmmm....I hate this you know. I don't like complicated. I just want something simple. Something that fits. I don't like playing games and that's all that dating is these days.

I guess we'll find out this Friday night if he remembers the chemistry we had together last Friday. I may just play it light this weekend...I can't afford to sell my heart out again, especially for someone that isn't safe. And he is the worst kind of danger for me right now. He's the kind I just somehow can't seem to resist.

Heart Beats - 1/23/18

I wish I could talk to you... Like really talk to you. Catch up on all the things.

So many things have happened. So many details you've missed. So much I want to get your advice on. So many stories that you would probably just shake your head at laughing at me and my ignorance lol... I am learning tho.

Friday night was... Just wow. I had such a great time at Kanza. I didn't even dance much cuz I pulled a hamstring a couple weeks ago so I have to be careful until it heals. But I just had so much fun talking with people. I ended up taking a couple friends home that needed rides. It was great! I've met so many amazing people and I just love it. It's amazing how when you need it most you find community in places you least expect it.

I brought someone home on Friday... Someone that just gets to me somehow. You know... That feeling you get that draws you to them. Blind hopefulness that won't go away... Like a magnet.

I've been with him before but we were basically both goners when we hooked up that night so it doesn't completely count. I promised myself we'd get a second chance so I've just been keeping my distance and enjoying the small moments I get to connect with him and keep the spark or friendship or whatever it is going.

Friday night was different for us. We talked, we goofed around...I haven't laughed like that in a long time. He's young, more mature in ways than most guys his age, but he'd never really be into me. He's the type that gets all the models... And deserves to. The most I can do is be his friend and show him what a real woman can be like. Maybe give him something to hope for as he searches. If I can manage that... Even if nothing comes of us more than friendship, then it's worth it.

To be honest, Friday night was some of my best work. I can't remember when I've been able to get into my comfort zone on bed like that aside from when I was with you. He actually reminds me a lot of you...The strong, silent type with more insecurities than he cares to admit. ;-) he just is who he is, despite his trust issues. He doesn't care what people think but he doesn't share a lot of personal things either. He cherishes the people who he actually let's into his safety zone.

He's amazing on the dance floor and one of my favorite partners... When I can steal him away from all the girls pining to dance with him lol

We made a connection this weekend and I know he could feel it to. The way he hugged me when he said good bye was different than normal...I let go first. And Saturday night when he was dancing and caught my eye sitting on the side, there was genuine recognition there. Mutual respect. Admiration even. 

I can't make this into anything. His life is a mess and mine is just crazy right now. I'm not trying to pursue anything. But... He made me feel again you know? Got my heart beating. Gave me the chance to be everything I wanted to be and he just appreciated me for it in those moments. 

We're not meant to be... He's too much of a diva lol

But maybe I was meant to have that connection Friday night. To be reminded that there is life after this. After my marriage. After you. Maybe I needed my heart to effortlessly beat again without me begging it to. 

I used to feel that way with you. It was rejuvenating to catch a glimpse of that feeling again... Even if just for a moment in time. 

Judgment - 1/18/18

People are going to judge you based on small snippets of perspective into your life. They judge your actions, your appearance, your motivations.

Just because they form opinions about who you are doesn't make them right. You alone get to choose who you are and what you stand for.

We all make mistakes. We all go through mountains and valleys. We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could change.

That doesn't make us useless or worthless. It makes us human.

Anyone who puts themselves higher than another person because they feel like they haven't made as many bad choices as them is fooling themselves. 

We all hurt people with our choices sometimes. We all hurt ourselves. None of us deserve a second chance.

I want to remember these moments where I feel alone and rejected by people I once called my closest friends and family. I want to remember it not because I want to hold a grudge or become bitter.

If I did that I'd be withholding the same grace and forgiveness I seek after in my own life. 

I want to remember these feelings because most people forget what it feels like to be at the bottom. To force yourself every day to get out of bed, to put a smile on your face, to walk through your day without dragging the drama of your life with you everywhere you go. Most people don't know what it's like to live with crippling guilt and remorse. To put so much energy into being strong emotionally that you're completely exhausted by the end of the day.

Most people don't understand that although you've made some terrible mistakes and you've hurt people you love, you live with that regret every day. That you'll never forgive yourself for not realizing certain things about yourself and your life sooner.

This is what I live with. This is my life. It won't be my future but it is my present. I hope I never forget the pain. When you forget pain, you lose empathy, and when you lose empathy it becomes incredibly difficult to meet people where they're at emotionally.

I may be scrutinized and judged, rejected, alone... But I'm not lost. As long as I hold onto who I am and the hope that some day I'll be able to use all these choices and challenges to help other people... Then the fight right now is worth it. 

I have lost almost everyone that has ever known me in some form or another simply because they stopped trying to understand, to think the best instead of assuming the worst about my motivations and my character. 

Even Clint is gone now... Refusing to speak to me because apparently I'm a whore and he just can't understand how I find it acceptable to sleep with other men while we've been separated even though I was honest with him about it before I moved out. 

I've never confirmed it. I kept it from him on his request but he couldn't let it go. He never can. He always has to know everything. It was either lie or confirm that I had. I chose to tell the truth... He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days. I've been told that I'd have to repent of my ways and change, conform to traditional values before he would take me back.

These types of words and philosophies from him are exactly what's made living in this box so unbearable. Being denied the right to make my own choices and what's best for me simply because he doesn't want to push the boundaries of what's right and wrong. 

He's safe, cautious... Always has been. He's loved me but he's always struggled with who I am. There have been countless occasions where I've felt belittled or worthless because he didn't like me being myself in a certain situation. He got embarrassed by me often and always let me know. The times he was proud of my wild and crazy side are rare. 

I've never truly been able to be myself until recently... And the me I am right now is strong and confident. She's beautiful inside and out. She loves people deeply and invests her time and energy into people that need her. She's a little wild and a little crazy at times but she keeps a level head. She's brave and determined. She will not be taken advantage of again. She will not be put back in a box.

She is the person I want to be. 

So I may be fighting on a daily basis and struggling to take every step forward but I am who I want to be and I'm becoming her more and more every day. If people can't get behind who I am, then they can kiss my ass goodbye. 

I don't have time for people who think they're better than everyone else just because they've lived a safe life and have never allowed themselves to make mistakes and fall. They're the cowards that live behind curtains of fear and shame.

I refuse to live that way any longer. I refuse to be tied down by a set of standards that make people feel scorned when they make simple mistakes. 

I am free. 

Freedom - 1/16/18

Today I felt empowered. At peace. Ready to move forward. 

I'm not really sure what came over me. 

I think in a way I already knew this was coming but I was waiting for Clint to get on the same page with me. I didn't want to be the one to leave. I wanted this to be a decision we made together and yesterday that's what happened. 

Now that we're here and I don't have to wonder anymore about which direction to go I feel this amazing weight lifted off of me. 

I know this is right. I'm ready for this. It will be hard on a lot of levels but it's right. I'm ready to move forward at closing this chapter of my life and moving on to the next. 

Surprisingly I'm not looking for anyone to come be with me. I don't even want it. I want to be alone. I want to enjoy the casualness and freedom of being unattached for awhile.

It will give me time to figure a lot of things out. To determine what I really want out of life. To heal emotionally and get to a better place with knowing who I am. 

You were right you know? I am strong. I can do this. I've overcome so much... Not without slip up's every now and then for sure, but I'm doing it. I'm living the life I want because for once I'm making all the choices and it's based on what I want... Not anyone else!

Just wow... The smile on my face could not get any bigger right now.

This is my time. I will not be held back by anyone or anything. It's my time to shine and all the haters can just keep in hating... Cuz this is my life and it's time I started living it!

Finally Done - 1/15/18

Clint and I are done. 

We talked today about how this weekend was very affirming of that... For both of us. We both feel the same way. We've grown too different to keep going. Staying together would be a short term bandaid and would only make us both miserable in the end. 

We're not signing papers or anything like that yet but I this conversation felt very final to me. There were no "what ifs" or "maybes". We talked plain about the here and now. 

I'm sad but I knew this was coming. Perhaps that's why it's been so easy for me to jump into the single life. I already knew that was my future. It's wrong for me to keep dragging it along. We need to be done. I can't keep hurting him.

I have so many emotional scars right now. I don't know if I'll ever heal. I've spent years trying to conform and live in the box that I thought I was supposed to be. Even today Clint made me feel so small just because he disagreed with me about something. 

I'm tired of living like that. Living like I'm defined by my failures. Like there's no grace for me. No hope for happiness. I've lived like that for so long. I am that way by nature but then you add all the things from my conservative childhood on top of that and a husband who has never failed at anything in his life because he's too cautious to try something that might not work out.... Then judging me for having the courage to step out and do the "abnormal" thing. 

I'm a mess. On so many levels.

I don't feel like I even deserve to be loved. Like I'm worthless...a lost cause.

That needs to be healed first before I'll ever get anywhere with my life. 

These are big and small steps. I'm scared. I don't know where to go with all this. Very few understand. Very few listen without judging. I feel alone a lot of the time. 

I don't know what the right move is forward or how to get myself pointed in the right direction. I should sit down and make a plan. Figure things out.

But my heart hurts. And I've been crying all day.

So tonight, just for tonight, I'll down my sorrows in a bottle of wine and hope that tomorrow the sun comes back out.

Maybe that will help me get out of bed and put a noticable smile on my face.

Maybe.

Without Fire - 1/9/18

I'm beginning to realize something...

I'm still not over you. It's not Clint I'm trying to replace... It's what I had with you.

I didn't realize how much losing you was still controlling me.

How I've been searching in all these connections for the chemistry and freedom I had with you.

It also explains why I'm thrown so much when men disappoint me or the relationship doesn't work out... It's like I relive that rejection all over again. 

I relive you leaving and the emotions all hit me again. 

I still get chills if I allow myself to think about it for too long.

There are still songs I can't listen to without my eyes welling with tears. 

You damaged me...I don't know if I'll ever be the same. If I'll ever be able to trust that someone won't walk away if I let them see all of me.

You were different than Clint. Clint has stayed out of duty. Of course he cares about me but I think it's becoming more and more clear to both of us that it hasn't been because he can't live without me. He doesn't have that romantic love for me either. He's just a lot better at living inside society's box than I am.

If this is all true tho... I'm never going to figure things out. How do you replace someone who's left a hole in your heart? No one can do that... Even Clint falls short.

Am I fucked then? Just left to roam this life by myself floating from relationship to relationship never really feeling fulfilled or connected to anyone? Is this my destiny in love? I was only able to really experience it once... But I wasn't able to keep it? 

I know I've made some wrong choices in my life but what did I ever do to deserve a life without a love that sets you on fire? 

I guess I'll never know what's it's really like again to have that. I barely was able to know it before it was taken from me. This is my life now. I have to learn to accept that I may never have that again.

Living on the Wild Side - 1/8

Awake way too early... Been struggling with sleep and eating these days and I'm not really sure why. 

I just keep replaying things in my head. Last weekend was a lot of fun. A fairly healthy distraction from life. Re-established a friendship that had gone south for a short time so that's always nice. I don't like things being unsettled between me and ppl I care about. 

I also discovered that apparently I have game... So that's cool. I never thought at this point in my life I would just be able to spin around and choose which guy I wanted for the night. They're all "friends" or at least ppl I know well enough to trust with that sort of thing so it works for me. I've discovered that that's all I really need in a sexual relationship.

Obviously I always desire more, a connection, a spark, but this works for now. I don't do random strangers although I've had the opportunity to a few times. I'm trying to play it safe. 

I don't want to be a slut that just sleeps with random ppl all the time. Even with my current rotation I really only have one that's a true regular. The rest are just there on the side lines for backup if needed but I try not to do that unless absolutely necessary... Or apparently if I've been drinking lol

I'm ok with this for now. It won't be my life forever but I'm enjoying the experiences I'm having. I spend so much of my time thinking about life and the future that it's nice to have a distraction on the weekend to escape from myself. 

I know now that that's actually healthy for me to do as long as I'm keeping a balance with my time and still taking moments to sort through things emotionally. 

It's hard though sometimes. Some of these guys are really good guys that would be dating material if it ever came to that. 

In fact there is one in particular that I feel would be a good fit for me but he's a little damaged too. He's definitely interested in me but in a relationship not so much. And I'm ok with that. I'm not looking for that right now either... Clearly. But maybe some day...I don't know. I just know that a guy like that is one I'm gonna take my time with and not push so that's what I've been trying to do. 

I have a close friend who's been there for me over the past couple months. We have a FWB situation going on and got the most part it works. There's no attraction there for me or romantic chemistry at all but we get along great and the sex is probably some of the best I've ever had. 

It scares me though... Getting close like that and letting someone in. Even on a friendship level is hard for me to let go. I keep a lot tucked away and focus more on helping him through things. I just can't become dependant on any one person for emotional support again. I have to keep it spread out and if that means I never have a full on long term relationship again then so be it. I'll still have people in my life that care... But I'll be less vulnerable that way. 

I have to be smart about all these things. The sex, the connections, the distractions... All of it has to be balanced. It may seem to some like I'm living on the wild side but I don't feel like I am. I'm being careful still with these choices. I'm just letting myself be more free than I have before. And that to me is ok... Regardless of what anyone else says.

Tears to Joy - 1/3/18

Maybe there is hope in all this... Maybe some day my tears will be turned to joy. 

God can use this... All of this hurt and pain and bad choices. I don't know how. I can't fathom the work it would take but it's possible. I don't know what it will look like to see all this heartache with a different spin on it... One that hurts a little less and benefits myself and others a little more. 

I don't know how that will work. But I have hope that if I keep pressing forward. I keep seeking the things that make me better, make me who I was always meant to be... That some day this will all mean something. 

Talking to a friend tonight who's in a different place circumstantially but similar place emotionally. She looks on as other people seem to get her dreams. She keeps pressing forward despite how hard life is alone. Its been encouraging to reconnect with her over the past few months. She's challenged me and I hope I've been able to do the same. She helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel... The possibility. She shows me that I'm still worth fighting for. She tells me I'm brave.

I don't believe her of course but it's good to hear that what I'm doing is encouraging someone else not to give up on their dreams.

Many times, like tonight, I find myself telling her what I've told myself so often recently. You are brave. You are strong. You'll have your moments when you doubt and you're allowed to feel the despair but never lose your hope. It's ironic how her and I take turns repeating the same mantra back to each other. It's good to have a friend like this. One you can be real with. One who sees the ugly that could be there but chooses to show you the beauty behind it instead. 

This is the type of friend and person I want to be. Someone who sees the best in people and situations. I know that path sometimes leads to heartache and pain... Broken relationships and shattered dreams and expectations. But what is living life on the safe side, never allowing yourself the chance to truly experience it. 

I know I'll make mistakes...I already have, but no one can ever accuse me of not living. 

I don't want to be someone who's reckless. Wisdom comes with living life to its fullest. I want to use my failures to make me stronger. To be better. This is my true motivation for walking through this daily battle. 

Some day... There will be joy. Some day I'll be better because of this. Because of you. Because I'm choosing not to give up.