All The Things

This morning has been a mixture of emotions. I think about what people would think if they knew. If they knew not just what I did but that it was premeditated and I in fact don't really feel guilty about it. I think about Clint and how much it would hurt him if he found out. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. 

But then I move to a different place. I remember why I did this. I did this for me, for you, for us. I enjoyed every minute of it. It may not be right in other's eyes and as a Christian... Probably not right either. But it was my choice and it's done now. No going back. So there's no use in regretting or feeling guilty. The best thing I can do for myself and everyone else is to ask forgiveness from Jesus and myself if it was wrong then use the experience to make myself and my marriage stronger. That was the whole point after all. To be able to move forward without this curiosity looming over my head, haunting me. 

It eventually would've led to disaster. Who knows... Having kids might've broken me. And then I'd really be fucking up for letting them down and probably not getting my curiosity out in the right way. No... This was best. Not widely accepted. Not something I can share. But it was best for me and for my future family. 

I had sex with Clint last night... For obvious reasons. It was good. Funny thing is that it revealed some things to me. I always want to skip the foreplay with him... His kissing kinda bothers me lol but without the foreplay I don't get lubricated like I need to. Last night's five minutes with him was more uncomfortable than an hour and a half with you... And it had nothing to do with cock. I need to work on this. We could be having better sex but I've put so many barriers on it in my mind. That is not good. 

I wonder how you're doing this morning. I hope your procedure went ok and that you get some rest today. I know yesterday was worth it but that doesn't mean you still didn't suffer physically from it. 

I also wonder how you're doing with everything. I know the after effects for you are probably way different than mine. But I still wonder what you're thoughts are. You kept asking what your rating was... Well, I kinda wonder to lol I would just take your "I have no words" as a sign, but you always have words. Maybe this is different tho. I mean I'm really vocal when I'm enjoying sex but when I actually cum... Complete silence. So... Maybe this is like that. I don't know. 

It's nothing you need to worry about answering right now though. You're gonna need to get rest today to recover from the weekend... And me lol I may not text you a lot today for that reason. I don't want to be an emotional burden to you right now. You need to rest and recoup. We can always talk later. I'm doing good for the most part... Can't stop thinking about you or our time together. But for the most part I'm good. Trying not to let guilt or regret settle in. That may take a little while cuz I'm naturally bent that way anyhow and this was definitely one of those situations most people wouldn't agree with or understand. But it's not about them. And it's not about my marriage. It's about me. 

Anyhow, I hope you're doing well. I wish we could talk about all this in person but we've made it pretty evident that if we're together we don't get much talking in ;-) 

You know it's not just about the sex, right? If we had done nothing all weekend but spend time together talking, laughing, and cuddling, I would still be head over heels for you right now. I love how well we mesh together. It's not without its trial and error at times but it also seems so seamless, effortless even. You may disagree. Maybe it's just that what we have makes all the work we've put into this irrelevant. Either way I'm thankful to have you in my life. 

You are a large part of my life... It sucks that I have to keep you a secret but at the same time I'm at peace with that now. God brought you to me to enrich my life. It doesn't come without risk, but it's definitely worth it. 

I don't think I really explained why I chose to get the tattoo that I did. "Wild heart, gypsy soul". I got this as a reminder that this is my true spirit. I may have to deny that sometimes for circumstances, social constructs, or the benefit of others... But deep down that's never going to die. I'm always going to have that and I have to find ways to allow myself to be that or I'll never be truly happy.

It just keeps hitting me...I got naked with you. I let you see every inch of my body. I let you touch every inch of my body. I felt you inside me. I showed you my most intimate expressions. And it doesn't make me feel bad... It makes me hot (legit physically hot) thinking about being that vulnerable with you and how safe I felt in your arms. Kudos babe... That is not easily achieved with this one.

Do you think I'm a bad person? I'm not spiraling here... It's a legitimate question. I mean what wife who has a great marriage, really no major issues, happy for the most part, would choose to risk it all? When I hear stories of ppl cheating it's always because they're unhappy or maybe there's some major issues. But it's not like that for me. I love my marriage and I love Clint... But that doesn't mean that it was fulfilling me completely. I know what it's like now to make love to someone other than my husband... And I needed to feel that. I needed to experience it. I'm dedicated to Clint in every way. I want to be the best I can be for him. I'm not going anywhere. So does all this make me a bad person or am I just a troubled soul... Lost and confused? 

Even when you think of marriage vows they aren't super specific... You can read between every line and real life doesn't always answer to the poetry behind them. My heart is Clint's forever. My commitment is to him and our future together. Just because I did this unacceptable thing doesn't mean I'm breaking that. He wouldn't approve of course but there's a lot of things I do that he doesn't necessarily like. Every marriage has its compromises and secrets, no matter how healthy it is. And anyone who says they've been completely faithful to their spouse on every level is lying. Definitions of faithfulness vary. There are definitely widely accepted ones but does that have to be the rule for everyone?

I'm not trying to justify what I did. I know going into it that it might be wrong for me to do but I committed to the act and any consequences that may come of it. I'm not going to spend my whole life wondering about an ethical battle that I'll never truly get the answers to until Heaven. All I can do is live my life the best I can. I made this choice and it was good for me. Now I just need to make sure there are no negative side effects for the people I love... And yes that includes you ;-)

I don't think you over sold your dick...I don't even know why you said that. I thought it was the perfect size, girth and all... At least for me. I'd never get a reduction. I think you're only issue is that you last so long and you don't cum very easily. For most girls I can see that being a problem. I personally love that you last that long lol but I can also understand how frustrating it would be on a regular basis. I guess it's just a preference thing. I wish I could've made you cum easier. It's fulfilling to be able to make a guy cum without a ton of work. Makes you feel powerful. But you can't control that any more than I can. I would love to have multiple orgasms when having sex...I should've yesterday for sure lol But I can't force my body to do anything, no matter how much I wanted to if for no other reason than to let you know how much I was enjoying being with you. 

Sometimes when I'm feeling lost with this whole situation or even just life, I go somewhere quiet, close my eyes, and play your song. I did that today and images of us together ran through my mind. The passion, the desperation to not let go, the chemistry and rhythm of our bodies moving together, the tenderness of your touches and kisses... They all flash through my mind like a movie reel and that's our soundtrack. That 4 minutes brought me so much peace. Nothing else matters... Not the what ifs or right or wrongs... Just you and me lost in our fantasy world for a few short hours. I'm so glad we made the most of it. These are memories that I will carry with me forever.

Sometimes I wonder if this experience met your expectations or if it just simply scratched an itch you had. It's natural for me to wonder especially since our circumstances are so different than most. But then I think about who you are. How much you love me and are willing to put me first above yourself if needed. You've proven that so many times. I think about your character and how you don't say things you don't mean. You're honest to a fault and I'm holding onto that now. I remember how you held me on Friday. How your hand lifted my eyes to yours and how you said so gently to me that you're not leaving. The reassurance of your kisses on my forehead. You communicate as a man in love and regardless of how good the sex was or wasn't, I know our connection remains. These are the things I hold onto.

Any lesser love and I would be destroyed. Your love keeps me from folding, from feeling lost and broken in all this. I know you said I'm stronger than I think... But you contribute to that a lot more than you realize. I am strong today because of you. 

I hate that I can't smell you anymore. Every once in awhile I'll catch a whiff....I just close my eyes and breathe.

I still don't know how it's possible for me to love you the way I do and still be completely committed and love my husband... With zero problem. If there's anything the last couple weeks has taught me, it's that I have the capacity to do this and do it well. I don't really care if the rest of the human race can't manage it...I can.

To be honest, I would love to go back to talking more like we used to both with content and timing. I miss you! I just don't know logistically how that would work if Clint has access to my phone. 

I miss you. 

I'm trying not to be the "just had sex, now I'm getting needy" chic... Partially cuz that's super annoying and immature, but mostly cuz I know you need rest today. Just know I'm thinking about you and missing your company. 

Why are girls so dumb? Why do we jump to conclusions and let our minds wander about? I keep having this fear flash across my brain that now that we've fucked, the magic is gone, and you're gonna get bored with me. I mean if that were the case I get it. Sometimes that legitimately happens to no fault of your own... But I'm not dwelling on it. I know that's not who you are. Ahhhhhh... Sometimes I wish the brain could be turned off.

I know you said openness in marriage needed to be without emotional connection, but I think I disagree. I think it can be done either way but it depends on the ppl involved. For me, I think it actually helps knowing we have a greater connection than just the sex. If it was just sex...I would be struggling so much right now. And I'm really not. 

You haven't texted in 6 hours... Either your phone died, you're really passed out from the weekend, or you're dead... Hopefully you're not thinking I wanted this much space. If so...I may need to clarify this for you. Not mad... Just miss you. Also I'm worried about you. 

Our little half hour chat this afternoon really helped so thank you! I know it was an off day and we can't really talk as often as we once did. I think we'd both agree that wouldn't be super healthy. But I still need you on a regular basis. We can chat more about it later... Just thought I would throw that out there.

It was a profitable night! I got a lot done! I've been able to act pretty normal so far. In fact I've been in a good mood oddly enough. I don't know if it was the sex or just me deciding not to beat myself up over something I can't change or a little bit of both. But I felt good tonight. I'm still gonna struggle but I'm pushing thru it. 

On that note... I'm exhausted so I'm heading for bed. I love you and I miss your face... As well as other parts of your body ;-) Good night!

One Day of Magic

I can't believe that just happened. My mind is still blown. I just had sex with you... Real, heart pounding, body throbbing sex... And I don't regret it. I don't want anyone to find out lol but I don't regret it. Being with you was so amazing! And it wasn't just about your dick... Which does phenomenal work by the way. It's not even about the longevity. It was our chemistry... We are the perfect match for each other sexually. Two of a kind. Animals. I hope I was able to give you as much confidence as you just gave me. To know that what you have to offer is not a burden. The way you were made is so special and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I hope you saw that. I hope you saw that none of what I did today was a chore. I wanted it just as much as you did. And I don't mind a little hard work every now and then ;-)

The way you look at me...I feel like you're looking right through me. I wanted so many times to stop and ask what was going through your mind. Pleasure, amazement, satisfaction, wonder... Cuz that's what was going through my head. I hope I made you happy. I hope I was able to give you something to take away with you and carry with you always. 

I love that you said you're addicted to me. I wish that weren't the case because I feel like I'm just eventually going to disappoint you. But that honestly makes me feel so special. I'll try not to get addicted to you but I can't promise that hasn't already happened. 

Skin on skin, breath heavy, feeling you inside pulsing, your hands on my breasts, your lips so tender yet full of passion... Even just laying here thinking about it gets me going again. You may have woken a sleeping dragon. 

I feel like now that we know what we're both capable of, there will be no holding back next time. Not that there was this time... But it can only get more amazing. 

The sex today was amazing and so were you. I'm so thankful I had you to share this with me, to keep me safe in it. 

Friday night was so full of emotion and passion...I feel like we had 2 days of foreplay lol. 

Thank you for treating me with such respect and making me feel so special. A lot of my confidence lately has come from you. You see me for who I really am. I can be myself without reservation. And that's probably why I'm not freaking out right now. 

I wanted to give myself to you. I wanted you to do what you wanted, no lines or holding back. I wanted to know what that would feel like to have that. And it honestly blew me away. Hearing your heavy breathing and audible gasps for more were so igniting to me. I want to make you sigh with pleasure like that all the time. 

I don't know how we move forward from here. I honestly can't even think about it. I'm still so stuck on you and how you rocked my world today. 

We'll figure it out eventually but we have time. 

I think I need to go fuck myself again. Even just writing about this makes me hot. I can't believe I still want you that bad when after all that. I had no idea I had that much stamina. Apparently you bring out the best in me babe.

I hope you know how much perspective you've brought into my life. This area has been so hard so often for Clint and I and I realize now that I'm just an abnormal girl. I have a really high sex drive and that's ok but I shouldn't make Clint feel like he's not doing enough just because this is how I was built. We do have good sex regularly and he really does try to please me the best that he can but he can't help the way he was built either. 

I hope you don't think that I had sex with you just for me. I mean we both had selfish reasons for this but I honestly just wanted you. I wanted to be with you fully and let you know how important you are to me. I've never had someone like you in my life before and although it's dangerous, it's still worth it. 

I don't know how to move forward with this. In a sense, today really helped quiet my restless heart about you. Some curiosities were answered and some unfulfilled desires were met. That helps take a lot of pressure off of the situation. I know we love each other and we're want to be together as much as possible, but neither of us are willing to sacrifice our lives for it. We need to play the long game. So I think it might be best to stick to how often we were talking last week and try to keep it chill. If we can't then I'll just have to get into the habit of erasing my messages. That kills me tho because I want to keep the words you've sent. It's all I have of you. I don't have pictures or tons of memories. I have this weekend and texts. That's it. But if Clint opened my phone right now... It would be all over. Ugh... This sucks.

OK so I think I've successfully covered all tracks as much as is possible. He'd never come straight out and ask me on just a hunch so as long as there's no suspicion then we're golden. Unfortunately this means I'm going to have to block this weekend out of my mind for most of the time to be able to act naturally which is fine. Like I said he doesn't have to know everything and I know this is a big thing but that's why I have to be so careful. 

I have zero regrets about sleeping with you. I would do it all the time if I could cuz I enjoyed being with you that much. Sometimes I wish life was different but this is our reality now and I'm ok with that. I'm just thankful I was able to have you for the weekend. Thank you for coming over and for giving yourself to me in such an amazing way baby. I will truly never forget this weekend and all the moments we shared. I don't care if no one else understands... We needed this. 

I hope your procedure goes well tomorrow. I'm so sorry I wore you out today and possibly caused you more issues. I wish I would've known...I would've taken it easier on you. 

I'm really happy I made you cum... That was my victory today. Also just being able to finally give myself to you...A win. You say you don't understand why I'm so drawn to you... And maybe you'll never understand but I'm happy. I'm happy being your girl. I'm happy that you've seen every inch of my body. I'm happy that you're my best friend. 

Right now I need to turn you off lol or I'm gonna be so distracted tonight. So far it's going well. The more time that passes the easier it will be cuz I won't think about it as much. Well... At least not in that way lol 

We do need to chat a bit about how to communicate when we don't want to be chill. I'd like to keep our texts all there as much as possible so if he ever does check, it looks natural. He would suspect more if nothing was there at all. But I know there are gonna be times we need to talk about stuff that he shouldn't see. I mean I guess I could just delete those conversations but that could take a lot of time lol Think on this one and see what you think. I mean we could use another messenger? I don't know... That might be complicating things too much. Gotta keep it simple. Ugh... Ok I'm done thinking about this for now. I hope you're not eating your arm off by now because you're so hungry. I hope you sleep well tonight and dream sweet dreams. I know I will :-)

A Happy Day

I'm so excited to get my tattoo today! Ahhhhhh! I know... I'm weird lol I just really enjoy the experience. There's something oddly mesmerizing about getting something permanent engraved on your body. I think I'm a little too drawn to the artistic side of this... May end up with 50 tattoos by the time I'm done with this obsession lol 

Today has been good so far. Kinda slower which seems to be typical for a Thursday. I've had some good calls today. One with a sales guy needing help on a big account. It felt good to actually have enough knowledge to help him out! I'm finally starting to feel comfortable. I still have a lot to learn but at least I have most of the basics down which is a great feeling! 

So my desk is in the far back of the office near where all the team leads and my manager sit. The conversations I overhear sometimes just kill me lol. Like they just had a legit, in-depth conversation about what constitutes as an open-faced sandwich. That happens ALL the time. I just sit in my cube and chuckle to myself... It's entertaining listening to these intelligent mind debate about such menial things hahaha. 

Hopefully you find my crazy rant from yesterday more entertaining than alarming. I'm assuming you would've pinged me at some point today if you thought I was legit crazy lol 

I really was encouraged by chatting with you yesterday. It's nice to know we're on the same page with things still... And that's really all that freak out was about. I felt like we weren't. Clearly I'm mistaken and just need to take a ginormous chill pill.

I just re-watched the videos from last night and I'm realizing just how much weight I've lost. It sucks being long and gangly cuz  everyone just sees all legs and arms. Ugh... Oh well. I'll keep working on building muscle and hopefully that will help that.

Grabbed lunch with Jared today... He's a nice kid. Really mature for his age actually except that he takes a ridiculous amount of naps and basically has no life lol also he doesn't like chipotle?? What's that all about? 

What a busy night! But I did it! I got it and I LOVE it! Sometimes you just gotta do something without putting too much thought into whether you'll regret it later or not. That's where I've gotten some of my biggest adventures! 

That was oddly therapeutic tho... Like it hurt at first but then I got used to it and we were just talking the whole time about traveling and booze and kids. I honestly forgot what was happening lol definitely not my most painful tattoo. Also he loved how my wrist turned out! He took pics of that and the one he did tonight to put on Instagram. He was really pleased with his work tonight lol

And now I'm gonna go home and have sex so I'm not horny tomorrow when I see you lol 

Good sex tonight... It'll definitely get me thru the next 24 hours ;-) I hope you were able to get some action tonight... Even if it was self action. 

I can't wait until tomorrow! Everything about this weekend has me excited! I get a whole weekend to do whatever I wanna do... Well mostly. I get to see you... Sober lol I get a girl's night on Saturday. I may take a day trip somewhere on Sunday...I don't know, haven't decided on that one yet. 

Anyways, it's super late so I should go to bed. Let's see if I can get in a comfortable position tonight to sleep... The one draw back to getting a tattoo lol 

Good night Sweetie

Warning! Dumb Girl Mode Ahead

Last night I feel asleep dreaming what it would be like to have a day to ourselves. Some thoughts weren't so pure lol but most of it was just you and me doing what we've always wanted to... Just being natural together, just being us. It was a really happy thought. 

Then I woke up this morning and got this sinking feeling that you aren't gonna go thru with it. Something is gonna happen or you're gonna think it's not best so you won't come. No matter what I do I can't shake it. I hope this isn't the case. You always told me that it was up to me and my comfort level and I've worked really hard to get to a healthy place emotionally so that when I see you it's safe and not too enticing. I've thought about this a lot and I just can't imagine moving forward without taking advantage of this opportunity. I'm solid and unwavering on this. 

So you don't have to say no to protect me. If you can't or just don't want to for you... I'll understand. 

I need to calm my nerves. I don't know why but some of the things you said yesterday just freaked me out and I need to not let it do that. It just felt like you were so disconnected and you were ok with that because you knew it had to happen to be healthy for both of us. I may not even post this tonight until I can calm myself down. I don't want you getting frustrated that I'm over thinking but I don't have a ton to go off of and I'm so excited to get the opportunity to see you. I don't want anything to mess that up. It's all I've ever wanted since beginning of July. Remember when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I just want to see you and be normal with you.... I've been waiting for this for so long! And now that things are different it makes it even more imperative that we do this. 

Yeah I'm not posting this today for sure. You're gonna be so frustrated with how emotional and anxious I'm being today. Maybe I should just spare you the pain of dealing with me. Maybe I should cut you loose. Your life would be so much simpler without me. I'm sure you're already feeling that which is probably why you've found it so easy to compartmentalize your feelings for me. 

You may even look at my freak out today as further evidence that you shouldn't be in my life. It makes me so nervous that you read that into my every emotional breakdown. That you're gonna leave or walk away or push me away because you think it's better for me.

I'm an idiot. Of course you want to come on Friday and of course you want to see me. You are the one that keeps bringing it up. Why would you do that if you didn't want to do it? I am legit crazy. I mean I know this is normal for girls but seriously... Cmon Jenelle, get it together! 

So Clint and I are going rock climbing tonight for fun. We decided to try one new thing every month to do together and we get to take turns choosing. I've never rock climbed before so I'm excited! But I will probably suck lol Also I'm really afraid of heights so that should be interesting! Hopefully I don't get half way up and pass out like Sheldon Cooper did on Big Bang Theory. I love that episode... Gets me every time lol

I really enjoyed talking to you today... Totally chill. It was nice :-D I can't wait until Friday...I may steal you for the whole weekend... Hehehe JK... Well kinda ;-)

I told Clint to get video and pics of me climbing mainly cuz I think I'm gonna bail lol it's gonna be entertaining regardless!

Well I had to do a lot of self talk, but I did it. I conquered my fear. The first couple climbs I chickened out but I kept pushing myself and I finally made it to the top, then the next one I rappelled which was really hard to trust lol I was shaking once I got down from that first treck to the top but I did it! There was one time I froze about 2/3 of the way up. My heart started beating so fast. I didn't know what to do so I just kept pushing myself until I made it to the top then I forced myself to fall... Gosh that was so scary! I got good at it tho and started taking more risks. I told Clint we'll have to go back... What an adrenaline rush! 

I tried posting videos on FB but it wasn't working so I'll have to show you later if I can't get them up there. You would've been so proud! 

Now I'm posting this cuz you asked me too but honestly I know I was just being dumb today. Friday night means so much to me that it happens and I'm just afraid it's not going to work just like every other time we've tried planning something. I really need this and I think you do too. I know you want to come....I was just being a dumb girl and reading into things too much. I can't wait to see you! And tomorrow I get my new tattoo! I'm so excited! This week is turning out great! 

Ok heading to bed now. I'll hopefully talk to you soon :-)

Today was almost normal...

8/22

Good morning :-)

I kinda feel like not thinking today lol I just want to kick back and have fun with you and flirt and banter like we used to. I'm over analyzing everything and figuring things out and trying to decide what's right and healthy. I just need a break... I've put so much effort into this and I'm exhausted. I wish the weekend was here so we could just be together.

I swear it's like you can read my mind... You sure you don't have ESP? ;-)

I really miss my Gma today. It's been 4 years since she's been gone... Today's the anniversary. I don't think I've ever told you about that experience... What it did to me. Maybe I will over lunch. Can't at work... I'll just get all sad and melancholy lol and we can't have that. I am happy just getting a chance to really talk to you today... Nothing can bring me down.

We are getting together this weekend. I'd never be able to live with myself if we missed this opportunity. Also I'm tired of not being able to really talk thru this and work thru this together. I want to have a real conversation with you. This is happening. You can give me all your bullshit about what's best and what's healthy and blah blah blah but this is what we need... Both of us. So get over thinking about it... It's happening. And everything will be safe and fine because we've got this. We're both too stubborn to screw this up now. 

Please don't try to talk me out of this. I've weighed the risks and I've thought a lot about it. Pros and cons... I've decided. 

Now if it's not something you want... That's a different story. 

But don't say no just because of me. I get to decide for me.

I don't know why but I have this sinking feeling that I'm losing you. I know that's silly. We both have to keep our emotions in check in order for this to be a healthy relationship. But it's more than that tho... Idk I'm probably just thinking too much like always.

I am NOT going to be one of those girls.... So I'm not going to read into things. I need to get used to the fact that things are going to be different and that's ok. That doesn't mean you love me any less or vice versa... It just means that we're both in check. That's a good thing... Cuz neither of us can handle living a double life.

I really miss working with you... Like on a very basic, we made a great team type of level. 

This new guy, Jacob, is nice tho... He came over and talked to me today for a little bit. He's sweet for a straight outta college kid. 

Sorry for getting emotional and serious today. I don't know... We have so much to talk about that it's hard to be relaxed right now. It's another reason I want to be together Friday or whenever you can or want to be. I just want to have a little normal... Get back into a good, healthy rhythm.

I mean really... Me, such an idiot. 

Why do women overanalyze things so much? Like why can't we just take it in stride? I always thought I could take anything and just go with it but the older I get the more I realize that couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes I wish I was a guy with guy emotions. There's an image lol

Finished my bottle of wine tonight so I asked Clint to go get more. He has a new liquor place he wanted to check out anyways so it worked out. 

I literally just spilled wine all down the front of me... Like massive spill geez

You doing anything on Friday? Cuz I really want you to come to my place... No time limits, no societal pressures, just us... What do you say? Will you accept my invitation baby? ;-)

Tonight I drank wine and watched Disney movies then I used my new toy. It was a nice relaxing night :-D 

I want to be friends with you...I mean of course I want more than that lol but I mainly just want you to be my friend. I don't ever want to lose that. And you may try to push me away or think I'm better without you or that some day I'll get over you and move on but nope. I'm here to stay. You created a monster so now you have to live with it lol 

OMG... Clint just found a new show. Shooter with Ryan Philippe... Be still my heart. Find me a man with that body... Ain't never gonna stop lol damn... Military man with brains that can shoot like hell... I'm in. If I ever get remarried... That'll be my target for sure.

I think I could do the open marriage thing... Just not with you lol if emotion can't be involved then baby you're out cuz I got it bad. But give me one sexy available body... I'm game. Hit me and hit me hard. Lol

OK ok I'm done. Heading to bed and that's enough for the day. I love you... Best friend ;-)

I still feel you...

As the rain comes pouring down around me while your song plays for me awakening my memory. I feel you again.

I miss us. With my whole beat up, broken heart. It sickens me to think I may never have you like that again. You were my inspiration, my heart beat. 

I've worked on moving forward and accepting reality because I know that's what you would want me to do. I know it's right. But today...I just want you. I want all that we could've been. 

Sorry for the emotions this morning...I was a little overwhelmed. 

I'm starting on phones this morning. I'm nervous!! I shadowed someone who started just a week before I did and he helped a ton to calm my nerves but that first call still hasn't come in yet. I know I'll do ok...I mastered phones at PA. It's just a new thing I have to get good at again and it makes me nervous especially with everyone around me "listening".

Are you watching the eclipse today? The peak is around 1! I didn't get glasses so I'll have to get creative. I think you can use your camera on selfie mode to watch it from behind... Just don't really want to burn my retinas today lol 

I got my first call and it went well! I actually knew the answer lol First one down... Now I can relax a bit. 

I hope it works out for us to see each other this weekend. I just can't do Saturday night. One of my friends is getting all us girls together and as the stand in party Queen it would be weird if I didn't show up. Anyways... I'm not sure what your plans are or what you're even getting about everything... If you think you can even handle being around me. But just so you know I'm still open to this if you are.

The eclipse was SO cool! I remember seeing one in 3rd grade and everyone lining up in the parking lot with our glasses on to watch. I didn't realize the thing about the crickets but it makes sense. They always start buzzing when it gets dark. You know... Science lol Iwas so unprepared... Didn't even have glasses but this guy in the parking lot saw me trying to use my phone so he shared with me and we helped each other get pics. It was super funny... We were like giddy school kids lol

Ugh ugh ugh...I wanna talk to you so bad! Like I can't even right now. And it's not even out of any motivation that might be "wrong". I just miss talking to my friend about the daily. This bites. And yes you can totally reread that in the most whiny, 4 year old girl voice you want cuz that's prolly how I'm saying it lol 

Phones are going well so far! Nothing super difficult! Hold is my friend lol

Babe, I got recognized for a positive customer satisfaction comment on a case today! They put it in the weekly update email that goes to everyone including the CEO!! SO cool!! I mean it was a simple case but they wrote some really nice things so I'll take it lol I wish I could tell you this right now...

OK it's been a week. I lasted a solid week with little to no communication. Can we be done now? I'm seriously struggling today...I just hate this. It's not fair. Why do ppl and society have to be so dumb? Like why can't we just all love who we wanna love and be with who we want to be with without anyone being dumb and getting jealous or feeling inadequate. I know what I'm asking is near impossible but I'm just so over this today.

My day has gone faster at least so that's nice. I didn't do much this weekend so I plan on working out and finishing laundry up. That should keep my mind off of things for the evening.

Are you doing ok? That song was so deep and emotional and beautiful but I hope that you're finding some peace with this situation. I'm worried about you. I just really can't wait to see you, to know you're ok. To be with you and talk to you. The weekend can't come soon enough. And I also realize I need to stop talking like it's already solidified because you haven't agreed to this yet lol you still can say no or not yet or never or whatever. I'm just letting you know I'm anticipating even the possibility of this happening.

I made a new friend today... Shocker it's a dude. And he's like 22...I swear I just attract all the wrong people. I really don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I'm doomed lol don't worry he's not even remotely cute... Just a nice dude with a good sense of humor. Def more little bro material lol

Came home, made dinner, finished 3 loads of laundry... Yes I was that behind lol Clint helped tho so I can't take all the credit for getting so much done. I worked out tonight... And it felt so good! I can't believe after 30 years of fighting it I'm finally enjoying exercise... Took long enough! Lol 

How are you tonight sweetie? How has your health been lately? Hopefully all this drama isn't making it worse on you. Are you finding things to keep yourself busy? Probably glad not to have so many interruptions when gaming lol You're prolly kicking everyone's ass these days cuz you're so focused ;-) I kid but at the same time I do hope you're doing ok. I miss knowing how you're doing. But I guess that's something I have to get a little more used to with this transition. 

I was doing some research tonight on open marriages. I figured if I asked Clint to do it then I should do it too. I'll be honest the practical theory behind it totally makes sense... There's just one small problem. There's not a lot of biblical backing for it. Now that being said, there still may be some grey area for it as well... At least from what I see. I know none of this makes a difference to you, but it does for me so I'm just trying to talk this through. I recognize that a majority of the population is not intelligent or mature enough to handle openness in marriage cuz it does take a lot of honest open communication with each other. If you do it right, then it can be a huge benefit. 

I think that the reason the Bible warns against these things and talks so negatively about it is because it's not encouraged for most couples... They simply couldn't handle it. However you have a lot of examples and places in the Bible that state that the two of you belong to each other which implies that what you mutually decide is ok for your marriage is your call in this grey area. Also there were a ridiculous amount of heroes from the Bible who had so many wives and concubines and yet God never cursed them for it specifically. So... Again it's a grey area for me. Some have their hard and fast beliefs on either side but I think that if Clint was honestly ok with it and we could work together to figure it out, it would actually make us stronger because it would force us to have to be aware of each other more and to be more intentional about things. 

Idk... Just my thoughts tonight... Not that it makes a difference but I thought I'd at least gather them. I mean as lift if what ppl were saying made so much sense to me. The only time I ever really doubted that I wanted to leave Clint was when I felt like he didn't love me enough to try to grow in this area and that he didn't accept me for being who I am and having these thoughts and desires. But he's proven time and again like he always does that he's willing to work on stuff for me. 

My love for you is so strong and passionate and unwavering, but I still love Clint. I can't explain how that's possible to anyone but I know it is because I felt the same thing with Joe. The only reason I gave that up is because Clint and Joe's wife needed us to. But I stand by it when I say that both these relationships have made me stronger and have given me insight into my marriage to make it stronger as well. One article I read said it perfectly. She said that they were allowing each other to have relationships and sex with other people as long as it didn't compromise the commitment and connection to each other. That right there... Is exactly how I feel about us and this whole situation. That's what I wanted it to be from the beginning.

I know it's not normal in the Christian community to think this way but I don't know that it's necessarily wrong either to be honest. 

I know you're not into spiritual things and it might come across annoying to you that I weigh these things into my life choices but my faith is a big deal to me. It's the one consistent thing that's given me strength throughout everything in my life. It guides me. I can't make a big decision like this without considering what God wants for me here. I know you respect my choices even if you don't understand why or how I make them, and I appreciate that. 

It's raining again :-) I should sleep well tonight falling asleep to memories of you. Good night luv <3

Just a Focused Sunday

I hope my what I wrote this morning spoke to you in a positive way. It's my honest emotion about you and the situation. I'm level-headed, cooled down... And that's still how I feel, right or wrong, good or bad... It is what it is.

Today Clint and I are spending intentional time together. Lunch at jack stack, walking around union station and crown center.... These types of dates usually help with us relaxing and reconnecting with each other. We've bounced back quick this week despite the major drama from Monday night. It gives me hope to see how quickly we fall back into step with each other after a huge fall out like that. Today I want to have some more open conversation with him. At this point I don't really have anything to lose so I'm going to try to be honest with him about some of the things I'm missing, and I want the same from him. If we're gonna keep this going then he's gonna have to get more used to having these hard conversations about my raw emotions. I can't keep hiding things just to protect him. So we'll see how this goes today. I have high hopes but I've not made the best moved lately so I'm hoping I don't screw up this opportunity too.

Well lunch was good but I got so melancholy so quick. The pain and meds didn't help, which I'm sure you can totally relate to. So we went home and took naps. 3 hours for me and it felt so good! I'm telling ya... Naps fix everything for me lol 

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt today about marriage and relationships. She's been through a lot in her life including abuse and she's finally in a place where she's single, almost kid free, and able to finally focus on herself and be happy. I'm so proud of her for finally getting to this place despite the people that may judge her. We had a good talk about how people grow and change and needs change and how tough that is on a marriage. It was refreshing to have someone affirm me in that without freaking out and pushing the typical marriage ideals on me.

Clint and I are going for ice cream. Those fro-yo places where you fill the cup and put all the toppings on are legit my fav ice cream places to go. They have these little help balls you can pop in your mouth that are just amazing lol 

I've decided not to talk to Clint tonight about anything super deep. For one thing it's been an emotional week and we just need a day to chill and enjoy each other's company. For another, it really doesn't make sense to talk to him until we have a chance to talk. We need to figure out what's best for us first before I approach him with anything on this topic. So today we spend time together with no agenda.

Haha...That didn't last! We were walking around Zona Rosa and we had a good vibe going. We sat down on a park bench and I was gonna keep it in but he ended up asking me to be honest with how I was doing and it just all came spilling out... Shocker I know lol we ended up having one of the most open and transparent conversations we've had all summer. We talked about my needs, about how I'm so happy with him and our marriage and that I know he's giving his best and I could never ask more of him but unfortunately I don't know if that's fulfilling me the way I need. We theorized about what it would be like if he did give me more freedom and how that would work practically and with the emotions in our relationship. He said he understood more where I'm coming from and would keep thinking about this. I still don't know that he'll give me that freedom but it was nice to feel heard on this. 

I mean I don't even know if I could do anything if he gave me that freedom. What if I screwed up my marriage by complicating it with openness? What if I thought I could handle it and I couldn't? Then again... What if it's good for me? What if it's a great outlet for me and allows me to appreciate what I have even more? 

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. There's really no point wondering or beating myself up trying to figure it out if I don't have the freedom to know for sure. 

So... I'm gonna just be happy that I was able to connect with my husband on a different level tonight and we were able to have an honest conversation about something hard. Win. 

I really don't wanna go to work tomorrow. I feel like I could take a whole week and just do nothing. 

I wish I could text you right now as I chill on my couch watching TV like I used to. I just wanna have a normal conversation with you. I miss talking to you, best friend. 

Fighting Numb

I woke up at 4... Lots of pain. Damn period. This is the one time a month I can somewhat related to the nausea and pain you deal with on a daily basis. It somehow makes me feel more connected to you. 

Faded by Alan Walker

I came out to the couch when I saw what you sent. I've already listened to the song a few times. It's legitimately one of the most beautifully composed songs I've heard in a very long time. It moved me in a way I wasn't expecting. Even the first few notes held so much conflict and emotion. I don't even know if I could put words to how it made me feel, which I think is a lot of why you sent it. That in and of itself speaks volumes to my heart. Songs like that speak things so specifically to each listener, so it's hard to tell exactly what you wanted me to hear, so I thought I would write down what it made me feel instead. I hope it's close to what you wanted to communicate.

Rare Passion and Intense desire

Painful resignation

Sorrow at the loss of dreams never to be found

Inner Conflict for the beauty of what was and the reality of letting it go

Deep, moving, soulful 

Heartbreaking struggle 

Quiet resolution

Agonizing fervor to hold onto memories 

Gripping fear of what the future holds 

Soft reviving of what you sparked in my heart

It reminds me what you love about me and how much I have grown addicted to your a appreciation of the deepness of my soul. You understand the depths of me like very few have. I know I have to do this... Let us fade, but I don't want to lose that connection. I'm selfish. I need you in my life. How quickly you break through my darkness is mystifying to me. How could I possibly go back to my normal, numb life and not have you in it. You breathed life into me, made me see and feel things I haven't in so long. 

It just started storming which makes the perfect companion to your composition. Do you know why I love storms so much? Because they're so beautifully destructive. The softness of a rumble of thunder rustling inside your heart. The rigid flash of lightning sparking fear and terror. The constant rush of the pin-prickling sounds of rain all around you reviving your senses. The variations of the rhythm of the raindrops can be so intoxicating. Storms speak to my soul. They awaken what's sleeping inside me.

And now they remind me of you. Of us. Of what I felt with you. I've never felt so much danger and safety in one breath. I think my biggest fear of losing you is going numb again...I felt it happening. Some call it resignation. Others call it peace. There's truth to both definitions but for me it means numbing parts of my heart so they stop beating so loudly.

I may need to bury this rhythm of my heart for a season, but I don't want it to stay hidden forever. This is why I need you. I need you to breathe life into that cavern of buried hopes and dreams from time to time. I need you to spark that vivacious spirit inside of me when the mundane is choking me out. 

You're like my own personal brand of storm. You were made for me. 

I don't think we were ever meant to be the consistent in each other's lives. We already have the person that is our constant, the foundational safety we need to battle life on a daily basis. I think we were meant to be each other's spark. The bolt of lightning to ignite the passion we both lost. Everyone needs a good storm like that in their life.... One that sinks deep into your soul, understanding all the twists and turns without saying a word. I want you to be mine forever. The storm that moves in and out of my life, waking me from the slumber of monotony.