Chains - 12/27

Christmas was ok... Calm, uneventful. I think I ended up watching a total of 6 Christmas movies in 2 days because I was glued to the couch not feeling well. Gosh I'm so tired of being sick. This winter has been the worst for that. 

Even now I'm awake because I can't stop coughing so I figured I might as well write.

I've been at the house for a couple days. Clint and I wanted to spend the holiday weekend together and it's been really nice. He still keeps his distance physically but other than that things are pretty much the same. Considering we didn't have a lot there physically to begin with it pretty much feels like normal. 

I still don't know what the right move is. I've learned in my brief time being single that most of the men out there are emotionally immature little men wanna be's that wouldn't know how to take care of a real woman emotionally or physically if their lives depended on it... Yes, I'm learning very quickly.

Despite these lessons though, I've managed not to get too invested emotionally myself. Yes it's painful when something doesn't work the way I thought it was going too but I've learned how to move on quickly. I even have a routine down now for shutting people out of my private space and keeping them at arm's length just as an acquaintance. Overall it's been working quite well.

That being said, I really am not pursuing any more "lessons" in the near future. I've had my fill for awhile. I've had my sexual escapades as one would call it. Now it's time for me to remove all distraction and get down to business.

Clint and I have both agreed to go to counseling separately after the holidays are over. We're hoping that provides a little more clarity for both of us moving into the spring to know what we both want separately and together. 

I know I love him... There's never been a question about that. But is the type of love I have for him enough to overcome the lacking chemistry that I constantly feel? Can someone with my type of sex drive be satisfied with just one man... One that isn't even close to the same sex drive as I am? If I decide that I want to stay and work it out, is it even possible to get through our past? Will Clint even decide he wants to take that journey with me? 

These questions constantly in the back of my mind. It's like a never-ending chain of irrational links circling about me, trapping me inside my own mind. All I look for is that one key that will unlock the answer and set me free. 

I don't think I really care one way or another at this point. I just want an answer. A solid answer that I won't grow to regret the rest of my life. 

I don't know if that's realistically possible but finding it is the only thing that's giving me hope for a future right now.

Glimmers of Hope - 12/20

Smiles, laughter, hugs, showing affection, listening to someone share about their problems, texting positive thoughts to a struggling friend, filling my time with healthy habits and positive people.... All things I'm doing right now. 

These things I do on the outside in the hopes that the saying "fake it till you make it" some day comes true.

Most people don't know what I'm going through... And even the ones that do don't realize how much pain I'm in on a daily basis. I've fooled everyone... Even myself. 

I don't have much hope right now. I just keep doing the things that i think will some day bring a light back into my life. 

I try not to think about the future, or the past. Both are accompanied with sadness. 

Instead I focus on today. What is today going to bring? What will it look like? What do I have planned that will keep my heavy heart from collapsing and the sadness in my chest from choking me out?

It's not that I don't enjoy being single. It actually suits me quite well. It's the regret that kills me most days. That's what I have to learn to cope with and work through if I'm ever going to have hope in my future.

It's evenings like this that I'm reminded that I can do this. Peacefully sitting listening to Bing Crosby, all my Christmas lights on, sweet smelling scents from my holiday candles, and a cozy cup of tea, wearing my comfy socks.... It's the little things like this that remind me how to be happy just being me.

I know the holidays bring their own set of nostalgic feelings, and years I can't go home for Christmas is even worse. Thinking about this being the last Christmas that Clint and I spend together just tops it off. But.... This isn't the end of the world. I need to remember to enjoy the small moments in my life, the special people in my life, and the opportunities to love just being me again. 

This coming year that's what my goals are going to be. Relationships may come and go but in the end all you have is yourself. If you can't love who you are first how can you expect anyone else to. 

I want to love me again. To enjoy using the gifts I've been given. To spend time discovering things that interest me. To travel and explore new places. This year is not a year of sadness and loss. It's a year for me. That doesn't mean I forget about other people. I've already learned in this short time that a big part of who I am is loving other people... Even if I don't get the same love in return. I'm strong enough to handle that when most aren't. This world needs more people in it who are willing to love relentlessly.

I want to be happy but most of all I want to find how to love being who I am. These are the things that bring me that glimmer of hope...I have to hold on to that.

Duty and Disgust - 12/19

Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day. Having Clint inadvertently pressure me to make a decision while at the same time finally admitting to me that he's not sure he even wants to try to make it work with me anymore. 

Oh the things I've destroyed with my lack of contentment. Sure I have freedom, ample attention from men, great sex available to me at any time... But at what cost?

What do I want really? 

I want someone to love me for who I am. I want it to last forever. I want to have babies together and grow old with that someone. I want chemistry and passion and affection. I want someone to adore me.

Clint bent over backwards to please me... But I almost wonder if he ever really loved me like that or if he loved me out of duty... Because he needed to. He struggles so much with doing what he wants if it goes against duty and what other people think is acceptable. I know how hard it is to move away from that mindset... Despite how I'm living, I still struggle with that too.

So what am I giving up? A potentially loveless marriage where we fulfill each other's needs out of duty for the rest of my life. He's a good man... And I've found how rare it is to find those. But it's not fair to him for me to stay just because I'm afraid of never finding that again.

I don't know that I'll ever find someone who will really love me. I'm difficult enough as it is but then you throw all this complicated drama on top of it... What man would ever risk their happiness on that? Who would ever think I'm actually worth fighting for after everything I've done?

I feel like a lost cause. Like I've lost everything I was working towards and I'll never really be happy now. Somehow I need to learn to accept my current circumstances and learn to make the most of them. 

Maybe I'll just be one of those people who live to make other ppl happy. I have the capacity to love and help people. Maybe I just need to channel that and find opportunities to use it. I enjoy helping ppl... It makes me feel like I'm doing something good with my life. Redeeming myself for past mistakes.

Do you ever just feel completely disgusted with yourself? Like what's the point of my being here anymore? I do no one any good... Just cause pain and grief for ppl I love the most. No matter how hard I try... Nothing is ever good enough. And I've now made mistakes that will always define me. Very few people would understand the circumstances leading to my betrayal and really should they? 

What I've done is unacceptable to pretty much everyone...Regardless of the reasons. I don't deserve redemption, happiness, or understanding from anyone. I deserve what I've been given. Loneliness, regret, an empty feeling that never seems to go away despite who I try to help or how many distractions I put into my day.

Today is a day that I see the value in abandoning everything and everyone and going some place new... Starting over completely.

I officially hate my life. I hated it before. I hate it now. I unsatisfied with life and no person will ever be able to change that for me. It's up to me to make my life something worth living. To find some semblance of happiness amidst all this pain and heartache.

Being a Disappointment - 12/10

I feel lonely, empty... Ashamed and full of regret. A complete disappointment to everyone in my life. A waste of space and effort. 

Sure I've been struggling to be content with my life for awhile and falling for you was the catalyst that brought that struggle to the surface. I know that now. 

But God I still wish I could take it all back. I wish I didn't know what I know about myself now. I wish I could put my head back in the sand. To keep pretending that the box I was living in was enough to satisfy me.

I can't erase the past 6 months from my life. I can't unhurt my friends, my family, my husband. I can't unlearn what's it's like to really love someone, to have that kind of connection and chemistry. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe it was just supposed to be for a little while, to help open my eyes... It doesn't matter what the reason was for me falling for you. What I know is that falling for you has destroyed everything I've known to be true in my life. 

I'm lost. I'm damaged. I don't know where to go. I'm starting over. Completely fresh. Remaking myself from the ground up. None of that daunts me. I am Independent. I am brave. I can do this. 

Unfortunately, most people don't understand... Or agree. I'm disappointing people. Letting them down with my choices. 

I took this time to find out who I am and where I stand. I needed to do this to know for sure what the next steps are in my life. Clint knows this. He doesn't agree with my choices but he supports my time away. But I'm still hurting him. He's still waiting on me... Stuck in limbo with his own life. Not knowing what to do or where to go. He won't have sex with me. He's pulled away more emotionally to protect himself during this separation time. I feel him slipping away.... And it hurts. It hurts because I know I did this. I never should've gotten married to him. I should've set him free years ago and now... There's so much pain and heartache in our journey to figure things out. 

I don't know how to do this. I feel so stuck. I need time to figure things out but I don't want to string Clint along either especially knowing how much he disagrees with my lifestyle. It's not fair to him. I thought he was taking this time to decide for himself if this is what he wanted but today he told me he's waiting on me.

He's waiting on me... Everyone is waiting on me to decide. Everything is on hold until I know what the next step is. Just when I was finally feeling free and feeling more like myself than I had in years... It all comes crashing in again. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't take time to figure this out. I want what's best for him. I just don't know what that is.

People look at the decisions I'm making and immediately assume I'm being selfish. I don't think they realize that it would be a far more selfish choice for me to move back in and figure out how to make myself happy enough to stay in my marriage. Clint is safe. Clint is loyal. He would fight to make me happy.

Which is exactly why I had to move out. It's not fair for him to do that constantly and still have his wife struggle with feeling content. That's no way for a man to live... Always fighting and never feeling secure in his relationship. 

I can't do that to him anymore. We've fought for so many years to make this work and we've had a happy life together. It makes me sad to give up on all that. To give up on our dreams. Even now that brings tears to my eyes.

I'm so scared of what the future holds. I want to be brave. I want to be strong... But I'm scared. How do I do this alone? I have people in my life who love me, who are trying to support me, but even in all of that I still don't have a single person who understands the progression of how I got here. No one that is except for you.

It's days like this where I feel your absence again. Where my heart aches for the closeness of your friendship. Despite all I've been through, I still can't be mad at you for breaking down my walls and loving me like you did. I'll never have a love like that again... After all this I've learned that I just simply don't deserve it. 

Each Moment - 11/17

I thought I had moved on. I stopped thinking about you constantly. Checking to see if you'd checked in. Counting the days and weeks that have passed. The obsession had dissipated.

I realize now that I just had some really good distractions over the past few weeks. Good distractions that turned out to be lame temporary replacements for what I had with you. It was never about them... It was always you that I was looking to find again. Our relationship I was trying to recreate.

Will I ever find that again? That connection, that chemistry... With someone who actually sticks around long enough to really know me?

I hate that I don't have that with Clint. I want to. I'm comfortable and there's something to be said for that but it's clearly not enough for me or I wouldn't constantly be searching for more. 

I thought I was ready to move on from you. I thought I had finally stopped loving you so hard and missing you so much... In reality those feelings just manifested themselves in a different way. 

Today I'm sad because I know after I move tomorrow my life will probably never be the same. I have to learn how to survive on my own. How to look to myself for inner peace and confidence instead of constantly needing to pull from somewhere else. I have no choice but to be strong after tomorrow... And that scares me.

I've been feeling more confident the last few days... Reminding myself that I can do this. This is an opportunity to find myself and explore life in a whole new way. 

I really feel like something is wrong with me. I am so restless all the time. Maybe that's why I enjoy dancing and riding so much... It helps me get some good energy out of my system. I think this is my true issue...I can't sit still. Maybe I should move to Europe. There's always something to do there.

I may need to start writing again but it's so tough with Clint having access. This night need to be a topic of conversation cuz I've gotta have a safe place to vent and I can't do that if he's reading it. Some of the things I need to work through would hurt him. 

I wish I had your advice on some of these distractions I've recently had in my life...a man's perspective would be great but like don't really have one that I trust that I can ask. Oh well. I'm swearing men off for awhile anyways. I need to focus on me and just being confident with myself.

Clint's getting sick... Of course. Always the worst timing lol I know he can't help it but good grief. So we had pizza and beer and stayed home and watched game of thrones... Yes I'm just now getting around to the last season. I packed the rest of my stuff after Clint went to bed. That was a little rough... Not gonna lie. No tears were shed but... That was hard. Not knowing if that stuff will ever get put back or not... Or what else will have to follow it. There's no doubt about this... It's hard and it sucks. But I'm doing it. 

One step. One moment at a time. I'm doing it. 

Just Tears - 11/13

I am not doing well...

There really are no words for how much my heart is breaking and how little hope I have that I'll ever be happy again. 

I've destroyed everything. This brokenness can never be fixed. I finally made a mistake big enough that even I can't fix it with my persistence. Accepting that fact and the reality of it's consequences is tearing me up inside.

I wish I could still tell you I would do it all over again but all I feel is pain and hurt and rejection and sadness for everything that's happened in the last couple months. I was a fool... And now I'm paying for it. 

I'm losing everything.

Fucked - 11/12

I'm so incredibly fucked up. I have cheated... Twice... On an amazing man. He has always tried his best to love me the way I needed and what have I done in return? Broken his heart, killed his dreams. I must be the most awful kind of person to be walking away so easily from this. Just because I have no chemistry. What really makes a marriage anyways? 

Regardless of what the answer is the truth is that Clint deserves better. He doesn't deserve to be with a wife who enjoys the company of other men. He deserves to be with someone he can trust and know that they love him just the way he is. 

I'm never going to be happy not having a social life and that's what would be required of me to stay, to put his mind at ease. He will never fully be able to trust me again and that's no way for a man to have to live.

I'm just a mess and I've made a disaster out of my life. The incredible sadness that has swept over me today because of that fact is overwhelming.

This man is so amazing and I'm an idiot for throwing it all away. That's what I feel today.

I feel like the worst person in the world. Clint wants to have sex and I want to please him in that way but I have literally no attraction to him in that way. Its almost like my brain has turned that part off to him. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I️ hate what my life has become... Every time I see pictures of families on Facebook it makes me sad. Packing up things today and realizing how close we were to getting a baby brought me to tears. Thinking about starting over... Potentially never finding anyone else that could love me... It daunts me. 

But it's too late to turn back now. I've fucked up too much already... Literally. I can't go back. This is my burden to bear. I created this mess and moving forward seems absolutely impossible. I have no hope really. I want to be strong every day. I want to move forward. But I have no idea what good things could possibly be in store for someone like me. Someone who's screwed up this much... No one worth having is gonna want to come anywhere close to this. I'm damaged goods... By my own hand. My best scenario for all this is that I find some happiness in the independence I will have to make my own choices. But even in that I'm scared to be alone. 

Stronger - 11/9

I've been thinking about you a lot this past week. You've been really absent. I don't know why and it hurts but you have to do what's best for you. 

I haven't written much for a lot of reasons. I feel like Clint uses my blog against me sometimes. That's not what it was meant for and it's hard to be open and honest knowing he's going to judge me for something I put in here. That sucks because there's a lot I want to tell you...

I also struggle with how to deal with you now. I know you check in because you care. I wrote that last Wednesday. Ironically after I wrote that you stopped checking snap chat. I don't think you even read that post.... Guess it was just bad timing on my part. Either way it's frustrating to me. I give you such an opening to see into my life yet if I was to reach out to you just to see how you're doing I'd be met with silence. I can't handle that imbalance. If you want to be a part of my life then be a part of it... Don't just be a ghost that I talk to but never really have a relationship with.

I still love you and I'll always carry you with me. You're still the voice in my head. But it's become too painful to keep daily feeling your rejection. It's not just your leaving, its how you left, how you continue to stay away despite everything I've gone through. It makes me feel like I'm nothing to you... Like you never really loved me. How can you see all that you've seen and stay silent? 

I know we're very different in how we behave in relationships but I would never do that. Regardless of the circumstances, I'd never leave someone I love to deal with that kind of pain alone.... Even if it meant sacrificing my own healing in the process. But I guess that's the difference we've always had. You were always willing to give up if things didn't make practical sense. For me...I keep fighting for the people I love even when it makes no practical sense to do so. I don't give up until it feels right to for everyone involved. 

I know I contributed to what happened with us and I'm trying to learn from that and do things differently moving forward. But I can't keep thinking that I'm the cause of every bad thing that's happened. I can't keep feeling like I can never love anyone and have me love them in return because I'm too much. I'm tired of feeling that way. I know I have my issues, we all do, but I have a lot to offer as well. Some people actually appreciate someone who loves as hard and deeply as I do. Those are the people I'll keep in my life from now on. No more trying to try to prove myself to people who only see what they want to see.

This is where I draw my strength now. Not from any one person but from the idea that I am capable of being loved just the way I am. You made me feel that way once... But not anymore. Your actions have demolished that now. I've had to rebuild that on my own. I've had to make myself stronger by believing in what I can be, despite how you made me feel.

I'm not angry... I'm being honest. I know it will hurt you to read this but I'm tired of protecting your feelings. You value honesty above everything else... You made that very clear in our relationship. Honestly...I still love you. I still miss you. Honestly I'm tired of feeling like shit about myself because of how you treated me. I trusted you with all of me. You got all of me. No one has ever accomplished that before. No one. When you left it crushed me... Damaged me. I will never fully recover from that. I'll always second guess myself now in relationships. I'll always struggle with trust and opening up.... Wondering if some day they'll walk away too. Everything you did to break down my walls this summer you destroyed by how you left. I can't even take responsibility for that... That was all you.

But even in saying all that and dealing with the reprocussions of trusting you when I shouldn't have, I've decided that I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I'm better than this. I can find people who love me for me and appreciate the person I am. I can some day find happiness again just because I enjoy life and everything it throws at me. I will find peace again... Because I am strong. And I don't need anyone to tell me that anymore.

I told you that you're always welcome in my life and that hasn't changed. I will still write but it will be because I need it, because I feel like it's the right thing to do for me. 

I love people and I love you... But it's time for me to start taking care of myself and enjoying who I am. 

If men or relationships come in my life and stay it will be because it's best for me. Sometimes it will be best for me to give to someone else for a little while and that's ok... But I'll make that decision not anyone else. Sometimes I'll have a relationship that I draw from because I need it for a time... And that's ok too. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take and sometimes you find that rare relationship where both occur most of the time. I hope some day I find that but until then I'll enjoy my life and the path it leads me down... One day at a time.

I'm embarking on a journey all by myself and I'm scared to death. For once in my life I have no plan. I have no idea where the next day will lead me. I don't know what my life will look like 6 months from now. But...I move forward with determination and confidence in who I am. I don't need any one person to lean on. I'm strong, smart, and independent. I can do this and do it well. This is my life... And I'm finally getting around to living it just for me. 

Can't - 11/7

I still feel you

I still think of you constantly

I still miss your touch

I still remember your quirks

I still struggle with what I lost when you left

I still feel conflicted about whether to hate you or love you

I still can't move forward with my life without you here

I still hear you say you love me

I still throb for the chemistry we used to have

I still can't let you go

Tough Decisions - 11/2

Mixed emotions today....I have pretty much everything running thru my brain which is super annoying. Nothing new there really... All the same stuff. I miss you. I want you to come back. It hurts that you left. My life is falling apart. My marriage is changing. I'm hurting Clint. I'm moving out and that's scary and somewhat exciting. I'm nervous about the future... Yada yada yada

I am definitely ready for riding lessons tonight. I need a good stress reliever... Something to focus on and really excel at. This week will be better than last week!

This all will get better eventually won't it? I'll eventually stop missing you so much right? Realizing my life is no where near where I wanted it to be will stop hurting as much?

Clint and I were talking about dogs today. He thinks I'm gonna go out and adopt a bunch of dogs when I move out lol I told him I might get a fish and maybe a bird but that's about it. Although getting one of those really itty bitty puppies would be so fun!

I cannot stop thinking about you today... Usually I can keep myself preoccupied/distracted but today its unstoppable. Gosh... It's so annoying too. I mean of I could text you and talk to you like normal it would be totally different but this is just pure torture.

Omg...I just learned the coolest thing! I had to help this guy install Zoom on his Linux which I know nothing about. So one of my co-workers helped me download a virtual computer generator and we basically built a computer within my computer so I could text it and see how it was supposed to work! It was so sweet! Now I'm gonna have to watch all these YouTube videos about Linux so I can take more tickets like that... So awesome!

Riding went so much better tonight! I'm more relaxed and confident with the trot... Actually feel like I have control. Chip was being a little stinker tonight so I had to be firm with him a few times but it's all good. They really are just like kids lol Joyce said she's gonna pull out some cones next week so I can work on manuevers! I'm excited!

How was your day sweetie? You've been absent more the last couple days. I hope everything is ok with you. 

I think I'm gonna put some distance between Robert and me...I just don't know if I can handle it. We're just being friends but he's really attracted to me and I don't think I feel the same way. Even if I did I don't think I can do anything. This is all just really freaking me out... And we're just friends. I do not need another complication in my life right now...

I'm a lil nervous about tomorrow night. He's so excited to see me and it just really freaked me out. We haven't known each other long enough to be attached like that. I had to be honest with him and tell him not to have expectations. I just really want to be friends...I can't do anything more than that. He understood...I could tell he was a little let down but I'd rather him be that way now than lead him on and break his heart later. 

I hate letting people down. But sometimes it's necessary. On that note I think I'm gonna go to bed. I'm exhausted from the emotions of this week. I really do hope everything is ok with you. It kills me to not know you're happy and healthy. I guess I just have to have faith that you are. 

My Constant - 11/1 and 11/3

11/1

Good morning...I haven't greeted you that way in awhile. I just usually start in with all my drama which I'm sure gets old for you.

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you still check in on me. It means more than you know. I don't know if you do it because you know I need it or because you're curious how I'm doing or maybe a little of both... It doesn't really matter why. It shows that you still care, that you always did care, and that I wasn't the only one that really loved in all this. 

It helps me be more balanced in how I move on. There may be things I don't understand or don't agree with in how things went down. But I don't want to get over you or move forward by being angry. I don't want to taint what we had with mistrust in what I thought we had. It may be harder this way and take longer but it's more genuine. You loving me left me with a big impression in a very positive way...I don't ever want to lose that. 

So again... Thank you. Those little things still speak volumes because I know who you are. I still love you too hun.

I have an important customer meeting today. Started as a simple ticket but the guy escalated his grievances before I even had a chance to fully investigate the issue... That's always fun. Anyways our CEO is hopping on a meeting with their CIO to discuss their issues with our platform and one of the tickets their looking over is mine... So no pressure lol I did go over the ticket with a co-worker so I have a game plan and I'm not just winging it so I feel confident. It's just annoying cuz device issues are not my forte. I'm more of the software/integration type. Guess you gotta learn somehow right!?

They didn't show... Figures

I went and exchanged my boots over lunch! So excited to break them in on Friday night! Hopefully I don't fall on my ass and make a fool of myself... They're a lot more slick lol

Clint told me I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop feeling the hurt that I caused this situation. He's forgiven me and he's not holding it over my head. I appreciate that but you know I can't just forget that I'm the one who screwed up here. My risk in falling for you is affecting everyone I love. I've turned Clint's world upside down. How do I not beat myself up for that?

I'm being pretty guarded with Robert. We talk but it's different. I don't let him see everything. I don't give him the details and deep stuff. I don't depend on him to cheer me up or even care if I'm having a bad day. Just letting it be what it is. Calm, cool, and collected... The usual Jenelle I am in relationships. You'd be proud of me. I'm not making the same mistake twice. No one needs that kind of burden put on them. 

I worked out with Emily tonight... Arms ugh lol but I have some muscle now so I ain't complaining!

We went to a sports bar afterwards to watch the baseball game...I really just went to hang with her and drink lol she had some of her friends from work join us and it was so fun! I love meeting new ppl. 

I may have gotten a little too honest with Robert about my sexual tendencies... Insert 3 Long island's lol but he knows he's still gotta wait before anything can happen... If anything can happen. Idk even if anything will but I enjoy talking to him. He's not you... But he's good to me. So I guess that's worth a lot now adays right? I really just want someone to be my friend thru all this. That was supposed to be you but since you're gone... It's either alone or someone else. I still wish it was you.

I wish it was you who was my friend, my lover, the person I found when I needed to feel safe. You were the one I wanted... The one I still want. I'll make do without you because like you said... I'm strong. But... I'll never feel about anyone the way I felt when I was with you. That's just a reality in my life now. Something that will never change despite how much time passes. It's my one constant. 

11/3

I'm tacking this on to my post from Wed because I feel like they correlate together really well.

I've really struggled with missing you this week. I feel like you're fading away and it doesn't really matter why, it just hurts to know that eventually that's going to happen for you. I still appreciate so much how you've hung in there and continued to check on me. That small daily communication has carried me thru so many tough moments. You really will never know how much that's meant. I'm not ready to fully let you go yet but I also want to to be happy and if moving on from me is what you need to do to be happy then I will be ok. 

This all just still hurts so much. I can't express how much it still does in words because it wouldn't come close. Yes I'm able to function and go throughout my day without major breakdowns. Yes I have my eyes set on the road ahead and I'm trying to make the best decisions I can. But just because these things are true doesn't take away from the fact that my heart still really really hurts for you and for what we had. 

Even talking with Robert this week has been hard. It reminds me of what we used to have with our friendship but it also told me how rare it was to find chemistry like what we had. I don't have that with him... I'm not even attracted to him to be honest. He's just a really sweet guy and we share a lot of the same interests. This is just all so hard and I Don't really know what else to do to keep pushing myself forward every day. I have no control over how I feel. I can't make it disappear. It just is what it is... And I have to deal with it.

Do you ever listen to a song so full of Hope and confidence that love will come your way, that your life will fall into place, that you'll feel normal again... And just roll your eyes? I heard one like that today.... And then I put it on repeat. Because even if I don't believe it's possible for things to get better...I still need to hear it.

I haven't read any of the words you sent me lately... It's too painful. But sometimes they still flash through my brain anyways reminding me of your ridiculously charming wit and your relentless pursuit of what you wanted. It's definitely bittersweet...

So I took this ticket today... Was supposed to be a simple audio/video quality issue but as I dug in I realized it was basically a shit show of data to comb through. I spent close to 2 hours comparing graphs and talking to people including the CSM... It was special! Can't complain though. It made time fly and I'm learning more about troubleshooting large network issues. So it's all good. 

I'm going to Kanzaa tonight... Gonna go dance my cares away in my new boots. Probably not the best way to break them in but I'll be alright. I wish I could tell you that your absence doesn't hurt but it does. The past couple days have been pretty rough but I'll be ok... Just gotta keep moving forward one day at a time. Hopefully tonight will help me forget for a little while. Maybe it will give me a break from this pain in my chest so I can go on to fight another day... Another week without you in my life. 

Next Day - 10/31

Today... Is gonna be rough. I've already been struggling with all the emotions but to wake up today and realize that 5 weeks ago you left and you've never looked back... That started the day off especially rough. 

I'm trying to find things to distract myself and help me deal with the emotions but it's really hard to shut out tears when my husband tells me how much he's hurting and how he feels I'm slipping away and he can't do anything to stop it. That... May be what breaks me. I have been strong and I have carried on with my life. But I may not survive losing the both of you. 

Robert is sweet and kind and has a great sense of humor and definitely has a sexual mind... But he's not you. He doesn't have your wit. He doesn't have your impossible way of making me want you just by saying a word. He doesn't push to break down the emotional walls I have built up. He's going to be a good friend. There may even be extra benefits in there eventually... But he will never replace you. No one can. I'm never going to find a love like that again and that realization is what's making me slip away from Clint too. I've had something perfect and amazing...I can't get that out of my head now as the standard to hold everyone else to. 

Clint is really hurting today. At least he's being open about it and letting me know what's going on with him. It hurts to see him like this and know that I'm the cause. It brings tears to my eyes. I almost hate the fact that I have to work today. Is much rather go home, get wrapped in a blanket, and just watch chic flics all day to drive these emotions away.

Yeah I'm definitely not in the mood to deal with people today. It's gonna be a really long day. 

Had a really good talk with Robert today. I've been really careful keeping things to myself and not opening up too much. First of all, this whole thing with him is really new. Second, I'm not interested in another intense relationship. This is just for fun... No commitments, no drama. He's a great guy so I've been really honest with him up front about that and he's cool with that. He's not looking for anything either so we're keeping it casual. This is a good thing.

A fresh wave of hurt has come over me this week. The hurt of losing my marriage as it was. The hurt of casting all this burden on the only person who has ever loved me enough to stick around during the hard times. I failed him. I failed him by being me and pursuing my own happiness instead of putting him first. I'll never be able to take that pain away from him... No matter what I do. 

My heart aches for you right now. Just to be held in your arms and be told it's going to be ok. That you believe in me and that I'm strong enough to make it through this. Those words that you said so often still fall on my ears like bittersweet dew drops... Reminding me of what you once saw in me, despite your leaving.

Afternoon went slow.... Lots of dumb people on chat today. 

I cried for you on the way home tonight. That hole in my heart is still there babe. I don't know if it's ever gonna go away... No matter how distracted I keep myself. 

Watched the Sixth Sense tonight in honor of Halloween. Can you believe I've never seen that before? It was really good... Old but good. 

I also got my new dancing boots in the mail but I was really disappointed with the quality so I'm taking them back tomorrow and looking for different ones. I have boots for riding but they have rubber soles which make it not so great for dancing and spinning. Gotta have leather soles for good spinning. Hopefully I can find some tomorrow. 

I don't know what else to tell ya... This was my day. Not a bad day at all... Just difficult at times. Now on to tomorrow. One day at a time. 

Dealing - 10/30

It's definitely a Monday...

My feelings today are a mesh of mixed emotions. I'm sad, lost, lonely, angry, fearful.... Today may be a little rough.

Seeing the look of fresh hurt in Clint's eyes and knowing I put it there by creating this impossible situation... It was almost more than I could bear. 

I've been in tears off and on this morning. The reality of losing Clint is really hitting me. It's temporarily taking over my feelings of loss for you. Both are severe and almost unbearable... Having them together is almost suffocating. Thankfully I've had a busy morning at work to distract myself. I'm planning on going to Starbucks to get some coffee and read my book as well. I'm hoping those things help. 

I hate hurting him. It makes me want to make the choice to stay. But I know in my heart I can't make that decision yet. I've changed so much. Clint and I are on different pages. In order for us to stay together one of us would have to sacrifice who we are and our beliefs in a major way. We're both willing to do that but we also know that doesn't make for long term happiness for anyone involved. It's such a tough situation.

I don't really know any answers right now but I know this sucks and I know that if I was different things wouldn't have to be this way. I wish I could be who he needs me to be. I've tried... For years I've tried subduing my wild side... But it just keeps coming back out. I know this may suck right now and I'm definitely losing a lot but it'll be easier on him in the long run if I choose to let him go now. I have to be true to myself... No matter how much I love him. 

I kept myself pretty busy most of the afternoon and evening. That helps. Clint has been in a better mood. I wish I could process emotions that quickly. 

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a month... It felt really good. I can tell I'm stronger now. It wasn't as hard to run a mile. I could've actually upped my time but I didn't want to make myself sick running that hard after eating. I might try it next time tho. I'd like to be running faster. 

Robert is in the army in active duty so he gets assigned to random transports usually but occasionally he gets assigned to social events. Apparently he got assigned to the chiefs game today so he's been there all day. I thought that was pretty cool! 

It's kinda fun knowing someone in active duty. I've always had so much respect and appreciation for people in the service but unless you know people you don't really understand everything that goes into it. Even my brother doesn't have the chance to tell me a ton cuz he lives so far away.

I need to find a new tattoo guy. I think I'm gonna go get the one on the back of my neck next. I've been wanting to do that one for awhile and I've just been too chicken but I feel like it fits this phase of life that I'm in right now.

I also think I'm still gonna get the one on my ribs for Clint and I. Regardless of what the future holds he's played a major part in my life and his influence and love will never leave me. Putting something permanent and beautiful on my body in remembrance of that would be a good thing.

Ok enough of this day and the insesant searching for distraction. I'm exhausted...

Weirdness - 10/29

I think I just really hurt him. This might push him over the edge to be honest. I told him that I felt that if I'm gonna be separated that I needed to really do things on my own and make my own decisions for a change. 

He immediately got defensive and upset because we had decided a couple weeks ago that I would have certain "rules". I know we're still married but the whole purpose of this is to figure myself out and figure out what I want in life. I can't do that with his rules and expectations hanging over my head. I need to really be free to decide what's best for me. 

He thinks I'm gonna be running around having sex with all these ppl and he keeps throwing in my face that we're still married and it's going to really hurt him. I'm not saying my goal is to sleep around or be super crazy. I don't know what the next six months will hold for me or what I will do on my path to figure things out. But I need to have the freedom to have those experiences without someone saying I'll pay for it later... Which is basically what he's said several times. 

I don't know if I can do this. What if this is it? The defining moment for us.... The point where we realize that we are on completely different pages and we really shouldn't be together anymore. 

I mean what else do I do? Move out and be a hermit for 6 months to the point where I'm so lonely that I have no choice but to come crawling back? No... Now is the time for me to live and see what Jenelle can do on her own. I'm tired of being tied down by other people's expectations. I've lived my entire life doing what other people think is best. Clint constantly guilts me into making decisions that he agrees with instead of what I think I want to do. I'm so tired of being thumbs down and feeling like I can't be myself. Like I'm not good enough the way I am because I don't fit in the conservative Christian box.

I'm so sad... I've been feeling more and more like splitting from Clint is the right choice... And I think Clint is finally realizing that too. 

This whole thing just really sucks... And I really wish I could really sit and talk to you about all this. I really need your input right now. 

This sucks you know? I really do love him. It sucks that I can't be who he needs me to be. I've tried for so long... But I don't think I can do it anymore. 

Tonight we sat silently next to each other on the couch starting straight ahead. Tears streaming down my face as he softly played with my fingers. So this is what it feels like to have your whole world and everything you've ever known slip away from you.

It's wine and movie time. Miss Congeniality for the win. Sandra Bullock is my spirit animal. 

Robert is a good distraction. Still keeping my distance but it's nice to have a taste of what we had to distract during these emotional times. I needed something to make me smile after all this heartbreak.

God I miss you... So much babe. So much more than you could possibly ever know. 

I just really don't know what else to say. It's been a weird and emotional day.... And I feel like you should've been here with me for it. But again... That's not up to me anymore. I get it...I gave everything just to lose. Well played. I'm now living in my worst nightmare. 

Connections - 10/28

So I made a connection last night with one of the regulars that I dance with. His name is Robert and he's so sweet. Perfect gentleman... But still definitely a dude lol he's in the army and owns a ranch. I should also mention he's African American and Cuban which is kinda cool. He's got a great sense of humor and he's kinda quirky and just an open book basically. 

Anyways...I danced with him a couple times and talked with him on and off throughout the night, then I was chatting with him towards the end of the night. He was a little drunk so I walked out with him and kept him company in his truck until he sobered up enough to drive. We just sat and talked and listened to music... It was so nice! I really needed to feel like a normal girl that can have someone want to spend time with me just because I'm me. We've been talking today a lil bit too. He knows about my situation and he's cool with it... We're keeping it casual and he's being respectful. Not gonna lie tho... He's a really good kisser. It was hard to stop but I did. 

It was a genuine connection and it definitely helped being able to laugh like that again and feel wanted. It's not a fix for anything of course. Who knows we may only talk today then it'll fizzle out and that's fine. I'm tired of planning the future. I'd rather just let things happen. I'm not putting my heart into situations until I'm sure I can trust it to not be broken like it is now... So basically never. But I'm ok with that.

Today has been mostly sleeping in and doing laundry so kinda chill which is nice. We have a surprise birthday party for Jeremy tonight! He's had a rough couple months so I'm super excited about doing this for him and letting him know how much he's loved. It should be a good time with my friends too...I haven't seen most of them in awhile so it should be a good time. Hopefully I won't have to field too many questions about what's going on with me but we'll see. 

So far the party has been good. I've gotten a lot of "It's really good to see you" comments tonight. I know I've been absent and it sucks cuz I know ppl care but how do you possibly help them understand all this? It's just too much.

It was a fun time tonight. It was weird tho. I almost felt like none of this would change even if I chose to leave Clint... Because that's just the kind of people my friends are. The other part of me realized that I don't miss being around a lot of the philosophy that they talk about. I have different views now and that's ok. It doesn't make anyone better than the other... It's just different. 

I don't know tho...I just still feel like most people won't understand what's going on with us. They'll think I'm dumb for screwing up, moving out, even thinking about permanently leaving. Clint is a great guy and I have an amazing life with him... Why would I give all that up for uncertainty?

One of the ladies that was at the party was talking about why she divorced her first husband. She said that they cared about each other and things weren't bad but they grew apart. She felt wrong for continuing to string him along. She said it would've been easier if they would've hated each other... An easier decision. 

I really appreciated what she had to say. It made me feel less abnormal to feel some of the feelings I have. I'm not the only one who has had to make this decision. Even Robert said the same thing last night. He's been divorced and the only reason he stayed as long as he did is because he didn't want to be alone. 

 

I don't want to be alone either. I want someone to love me for who I am and grow old with them. I want to have babies. I want a happy life. But none of these things are good enough reasons for me to stay with Clint if I don't feel like he's the one for me anymore. Its not fair to him to keep fighting thru a marriage that I'm discontent being in just because of the things I could get from him. He deserves better than that. He deserves a woman who is in live with him and is in sync with him. Someone who can be faithful because she's not missing an pivotal element in the relationship. 

I still don't know what my final decision is. But I do know now more than ever that I need to be on my own and I need to be on my own under my terms. Clint may not want me to be with other men or explore life in certain ways and that's fine for him to feel that way. But if I don't take this time and truly figure out what I want for my life and figure out how to make decisions just for me... Then why are we even bothering with the separation? I have to be free to make my own choices and if he doesn't like that then that's his choice but I can't keep sacrificing myself and my desires and needs because of what other people expect of me. 

I've been sitting here on my couch alone just thinking for the last half hour...

Lots of thoughts running through my head but I can't pinpoint anything in particular. It's just a whirlwind.

Meeting Robert was a good thing but I'm not going to push anything with him. The whole point of this separation is for me to learn how to be on my own and figure out what I want. Not saying some make attention won't need to be sprinkled into that process but it's not a great idea to start this off that way. 

I'm not about to start controlling my life and wondering what could happen. I'm taking one day at a time... Regardless of who walks into or out of my life. It's time for me to close this broken heart for awhile so I can heal and do what's best for me for a change.