Next Day - 10/31

Today... Is gonna be rough. I've already been struggling with all the emotions but to wake up today and realize that 5 weeks ago you left and you've never looked back... That started the day off especially rough. 

I'm trying to find things to distract myself and help me deal with the emotions but it's really hard to shut out tears when my husband tells me how much he's hurting and how he feels I'm slipping away and he can't do anything to stop it. That... May be what breaks me. I have been strong and I have carried on with my life. But I may not survive losing the both of you. 

Robert is sweet and kind and has a great sense of humor and definitely has a sexual mind... But he's not you. He doesn't have your wit. He doesn't have your impossible way of making me want you just by saying a word. He doesn't push to break down the emotional walls I have built up. He's going to be a good friend. There may even be extra benefits in there eventually... But he will never replace you. No one can. I'm never going to find a love like that again and that realization is what's making me slip away from Clint too. I've had something perfect and amazing...I can't get that out of my head now as the standard to hold everyone else to. 

Clint is really hurting today. At least he's being open about it and letting me know what's going on with him. It hurts to see him like this and know that I'm the cause. It brings tears to my eyes. I almost hate the fact that I have to work today. Is much rather go home, get wrapped in a blanket, and just watch chic flics all day to drive these emotions away.

Yeah I'm definitely not in the mood to deal with people today. It's gonna be a really long day. 

Had a really good talk with Robert today. I've been really careful keeping things to myself and not opening up too much. First of all, this whole thing with him is really new. Second, I'm not interested in another intense relationship. This is just for fun... No commitments, no drama. He's a great guy so I've been really honest with him up front about that and he's cool with that. He's not looking for anything either so we're keeping it casual. This is a good thing.

A fresh wave of hurt has come over me this week. The hurt of losing my marriage as it was. The hurt of casting all this burden on the only person who has ever loved me enough to stick around during the hard times. I failed him. I failed him by being me and pursuing my own happiness instead of putting him first. I'll never be able to take that pain away from him... No matter what I do. 

My heart aches for you right now. Just to be held in your arms and be told it's going to be ok. That you believe in me and that I'm strong enough to make it through this. Those words that you said so often still fall on my ears like bittersweet dew drops... Reminding me of what you once saw in me, despite your leaving.

Afternoon went slow.... Lots of dumb people on chat today. 

I cried for you on the way home tonight. That hole in my heart is still there babe. I don't know if it's ever gonna go away... No matter how distracted I keep myself. 

Watched the Sixth Sense tonight in honor of Halloween. Can you believe I've never seen that before? It was really good... Old but good. 

I also got my new dancing boots in the mail but I was really disappointed with the quality so I'm taking them back tomorrow and looking for different ones. I have boots for riding but they have rubber soles which make it not so great for dancing and spinning. Gotta have leather soles for good spinning. Hopefully I can find some tomorrow. 

I don't know what else to tell ya... This was my day. Not a bad day at all... Just difficult at times. Now on to tomorrow. One day at a time. 

Dealing - 10/30

It's definitely a Monday...

My feelings today are a mesh of mixed emotions. I'm sad, lost, lonely, angry, fearful.... Today may be a little rough.

Seeing the look of fresh hurt in Clint's eyes and knowing I put it there by creating this impossible situation... It was almost more than I could bear. 

I've been in tears off and on this morning. The reality of losing Clint is really hitting me. It's temporarily taking over my feelings of loss for you. Both are severe and almost unbearable... Having them together is almost suffocating. Thankfully I've had a busy morning at work to distract myself. I'm planning on going to Starbucks to get some coffee and read my book as well. I'm hoping those things help. 

I hate hurting him. It makes me want to make the choice to stay. But I know in my heart I can't make that decision yet. I've changed so much. Clint and I are on different pages. In order for us to stay together one of us would have to sacrifice who we are and our beliefs in a major way. We're both willing to do that but we also know that doesn't make for long term happiness for anyone involved. It's such a tough situation.

I don't really know any answers right now but I know this sucks and I know that if I was different things wouldn't have to be this way. I wish I could be who he needs me to be. I've tried... For years I've tried subduing my wild side... But it just keeps coming back out. I know this may suck right now and I'm definitely losing a lot but it'll be easier on him in the long run if I choose to let him go now. I have to be true to myself... No matter how much I love him. 

I kept myself pretty busy most of the afternoon and evening. That helps. Clint has been in a better mood. I wish I could process emotions that quickly. 

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a month... It felt really good. I can tell I'm stronger now. It wasn't as hard to run a mile. I could've actually upped my time but I didn't want to make myself sick running that hard after eating. I might try it next time tho. I'd like to be running faster. 

Robert is in the army in active duty so he gets assigned to random transports usually but occasionally he gets assigned to social events. Apparently he got assigned to the chiefs game today so he's been there all day. I thought that was pretty cool! 

It's kinda fun knowing someone in active duty. I've always had so much respect and appreciation for people in the service but unless you know people you don't really understand everything that goes into it. Even my brother doesn't have the chance to tell me a ton cuz he lives so far away.

I need to find a new tattoo guy. I think I'm gonna go get the one on the back of my neck next. I've been wanting to do that one for awhile and I've just been too chicken but I feel like it fits this phase of life that I'm in right now.

I also think I'm still gonna get the one on my ribs for Clint and I. Regardless of what the future holds he's played a major part in my life and his influence and love will never leave me. Putting something permanent and beautiful on my body in remembrance of that would be a good thing.

Ok enough of this day and the insesant searching for distraction. I'm exhausted...

Weirdness - 10/29

I think I just really hurt him. This might push him over the edge to be honest. I told him that I felt that if I'm gonna be separated that I needed to really do things on my own and make my own decisions for a change. 

He immediately got defensive and upset because we had decided a couple weeks ago that I would have certain "rules". I know we're still married but the whole purpose of this is to figure myself out and figure out what I want in life. I can't do that with his rules and expectations hanging over my head. I need to really be free to decide what's best for me. 

He thinks I'm gonna be running around having sex with all these ppl and he keeps throwing in my face that we're still married and it's going to really hurt him. I'm not saying my goal is to sleep around or be super crazy. I don't know what the next six months will hold for me or what I will do on my path to figure things out. But I need to have the freedom to have those experiences without someone saying I'll pay for it later... Which is basically what he's said several times. 

I don't know if I can do this. What if this is it? The defining moment for us.... The point where we realize that we are on completely different pages and we really shouldn't be together anymore. 

I mean what else do I do? Move out and be a hermit for 6 months to the point where I'm so lonely that I have no choice but to come crawling back? No... Now is the time for me to live and see what Jenelle can do on her own. I'm tired of being tied down by other people's expectations. I've lived my entire life doing what other people think is best. Clint constantly guilts me into making decisions that he agrees with instead of what I think I want to do. I'm so tired of being thumbs down and feeling like I can't be myself. Like I'm not good enough the way I am because I don't fit in the conservative Christian box.

I'm so sad... I've been feeling more and more like splitting from Clint is the right choice... And I think Clint is finally realizing that too. 

This whole thing just really sucks... And I really wish I could really sit and talk to you about all this. I really need your input right now. 

This sucks you know? I really do love him. It sucks that I can't be who he needs me to be. I've tried for so long... But I don't think I can do it anymore. 

Tonight we sat silently next to each other on the couch starting straight ahead. Tears streaming down my face as he softly played with my fingers. So this is what it feels like to have your whole world and everything you've ever known slip away from you.

It's wine and movie time. Miss Congeniality for the win. Sandra Bullock is my spirit animal. 

Robert is a good distraction. Still keeping my distance but it's nice to have a taste of what we had to distract during these emotional times. I needed something to make me smile after all this heartbreak.

God I miss you... So much babe. So much more than you could possibly ever know. 

I just really don't know what else to say. It's been a weird and emotional day.... And I feel like you should've been here with me for it. But again... That's not up to me anymore. I get it...I gave everything just to lose. Well played. I'm now living in my worst nightmare. 

Connections - 10/28

So I made a connection last night with one of the regulars that I dance with. His name is Robert and he's so sweet. Perfect gentleman... But still definitely a dude lol he's in the army and owns a ranch. I should also mention he's African American and Cuban which is kinda cool. He's got a great sense of humor and he's kinda quirky and just an open book basically. 

Anyways...I danced with him a couple times and talked with him on and off throughout the night, then I was chatting with him towards the end of the night. He was a little drunk so I walked out with him and kept him company in his truck until he sobered up enough to drive. We just sat and talked and listened to music... It was so nice! I really needed to feel like a normal girl that can have someone want to spend time with me just because I'm me. We've been talking today a lil bit too. He knows about my situation and he's cool with it... We're keeping it casual and he's being respectful. Not gonna lie tho... He's a really good kisser. It was hard to stop but I did. 

It was a genuine connection and it definitely helped being able to laugh like that again and feel wanted. It's not a fix for anything of course. Who knows we may only talk today then it'll fizzle out and that's fine. I'm tired of planning the future. I'd rather just let things happen. I'm not putting my heart into situations until I'm sure I can trust it to not be broken like it is now... So basically never. But I'm ok with that.

Today has been mostly sleeping in and doing laundry so kinda chill which is nice. We have a surprise birthday party for Jeremy tonight! He's had a rough couple months so I'm super excited about doing this for him and letting him know how much he's loved. It should be a good time with my friends too...I haven't seen most of them in awhile so it should be a good time. Hopefully I won't have to field too many questions about what's going on with me but we'll see. 

So far the party has been good. I've gotten a lot of "It's really good to see you" comments tonight. I know I've been absent and it sucks cuz I know ppl care but how do you possibly help them understand all this? It's just too much.

It was a fun time tonight. It was weird tho. I almost felt like none of this would change even if I chose to leave Clint... Because that's just the kind of people my friends are. The other part of me realized that I don't miss being around a lot of the philosophy that they talk about. I have different views now and that's ok. It doesn't make anyone better than the other... It's just different. 

I don't know tho...I just still feel like most people won't understand what's going on with us. They'll think I'm dumb for screwing up, moving out, even thinking about permanently leaving. Clint is a great guy and I have an amazing life with him... Why would I give all that up for uncertainty?

One of the ladies that was at the party was talking about why she divorced her first husband. She said that they cared about each other and things weren't bad but they grew apart. She felt wrong for continuing to string him along. She said it would've been easier if they would've hated each other... An easier decision. 

I really appreciated what she had to say. It made me feel less abnormal to feel some of the feelings I have. I'm not the only one who has had to make this decision. Even Robert said the same thing last night. He's been divorced and the only reason he stayed as long as he did is because he didn't want to be alone. 

 

I don't want to be alone either. I want someone to love me for who I am and grow old with them. I want to have babies. I want a happy life. But none of these things are good enough reasons for me to stay with Clint if I don't feel like he's the one for me anymore. Its not fair to him to keep fighting thru a marriage that I'm discontent being in just because of the things I could get from him. He deserves better than that. He deserves a woman who is in live with him and is in sync with him. Someone who can be faithful because she's not missing an pivotal element in the relationship. 

I still don't know what my final decision is. But I do know now more than ever that I need to be on my own and I need to be on my own under my terms. Clint may not want me to be with other men or explore life in certain ways and that's fine for him to feel that way. But if I don't take this time and truly figure out what I want for my life and figure out how to make decisions just for me... Then why are we even bothering with the separation? I have to be free to make my own choices and if he doesn't like that then that's his choice but I can't keep sacrificing myself and my desires and needs because of what other people expect of me. 

I've been sitting here on my couch alone just thinking for the last half hour...

Lots of thoughts running through my head but I can't pinpoint anything in particular. It's just a whirlwind.

Meeting Robert was a good thing but I'm not going to push anything with him. The whole point of this separation is for me to learn how to be on my own and figure out what I want. Not saying some make attention won't need to be sprinkled into that process but it's not a great idea to start this off that way. 

I'm not about to start controlling my life and wondering what could happen. I'm taking one day at a time... Regardless of who walks into or out of my life. It's time for me to close this broken heart for awhile so I can heal and do what's best for me for a change.

Just Another Day - 10/28

Today...hmmm

I don't really know how I feel today to be honest. I got a little dressed up today. Gonna be at work all day until the party so I figured something cute was in order. Have I mentioned how much I love boot weather? Seriously my favorite! So I guess that got me set up in a good mood. Chat hasn't been too bad either, which is also nice. It's gonna be a busy weekend full of ppl which is a good and bad thing. A distraction to look forward to but no real outlet for emotions which means I'll be burying them. That doesn't usually end well for me but it's just for a weekend so I should be ok. 

I really miss you today. I wish things weren't the way they are. I wish you'd come back to me. But I know you don't want that. It's not up to me... And that's the hardest part of all this. You left me... Because I'm not good for you. Nothing is gonna change that for you.... No matter how good you were for me. That harsh reality pops up on occasion and really stings.

I think I realized something about myself this week. I'm naturally a strong person... When I'm carrying other people. It's what I was designed to do. I've always been good at that. In order to do that effectively tho I have to shove my emotions down and be fairly self sufficient in dealing with them.... Which doesn't always happen. I'm not super good at taking care of myself consistently.  

There was something different about you tho. You broke down those walls to my emotional baggage and allowed me to lean on you for a change. I was allowed to be taken care of emotionally instead of having to take care of everyone else and burning myself out. I haven't had many people in my life allow me to do that. I got too used to it. I abused it cuz it's so rare for me. I burnt you out.

Part of the reason I think it's so hard for me to let you go is because I forgot how to be strong on my own. You became my strength. I enjoyed not having to bear things on my own for a change. You encouraged me in ways I haven't had before. Whether good or bad... That's what happened. That's how I lost myself loving you and how I know you were good for me but I need to learn how to have what I had with you and still keep a balance in my life emotionally. 

Went to lunch with Jared and Joey... Fresh outta college boys lol I do actually have other friends in the office. Oh well... They know how to have a good time so it's all good. I'm pretty much the big sister of the shift which works for me lol

It's 3:30, it's been a hell of a week, and we have an office party tonight. I think it's safe to say that everyone has pretty much shut down at this point lol they're all walking around just visiting and saying hi... It's great for a Friday afternoon. 

Not sure how late this thing is going to go tonight. It's more of a family thing this time so I think it only goes until 9. I'm working with the kids a little bit so that will be fun! Get my baby fix for the evening. I asked Clint to bring a change of clothes for me just in case I decide to go to Kanzaa. Not sure yet but it's always good to be prepared lol

Gosh I'm so bored... So my tickets are wrapped up. No new tickets coming in. No calls coming in... If they had drinks set up already I'd already be there.

T-minus 10 minutes... I'm so ready for this work week to be over. I love having office parties and getting to knowing people better. This group of people is really great... Bunch of dorks of course but that works for me lol

Yeah I just realized the whole family friendly party is just really not my thing. First of all it's a little too mellow for my taste but I managed to mingle just fine. Secondly, there were so many kids and families... It made me a little depressed because of where we're at. We were so close to getting a kid... But at the same time I know that waiting another year isn't going to kill me... If that's where we end up with things. Also one of my friends who adopted brought his daughter so I got to hold her for awhile tonight. That helped. There's something about animals and children that just really makes me feel at home.

Good party... Not like last time tho so I'm glad I had Clint bring my clothes. I need to dance some of these cares away.

Got to Kanzaa and they had this band with a bunch of 40 year olds lol it wasn't that great but they finally cleared out around 10 and Pedro put my country music on. Bearded Mike asked my to dance for the first dance! He's kind of a player so he hops around a lot and he always smells like bad tobacco but he's an amazing dancer! Not many regulars here tonight so we'll see how it goes.

Ahhhh I have so many contacts here now... It's weird and refreshing. Is it bad that they're mostly guys?

So tonight was... Wow. I'm too tired to tell you about it now. But wow.

 

Round and Round They Go - 10/26

I slept really good for the most part. No major feelings this morning... Just thoughts processing my current state in life. Most of them are positive... Trying to remind myself that this is an opportunity for me to discover things about life and myself. It should be an exciting time despite how scary it is.

I may end up taking the apartment I looked at yesterday. I'm giving myself a day to hear back from anyone else but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I can make it work. The negative feelings I had were more because of fear than the actual apartment.

Got word back from a place off 75th and 35. Better floor plans and amenities for a similar price but I wouldn't be able to get in until right before Christmas. So...I think I've made the decision to just move forward with the one on Metcalf and 91st. It'll work and this is short term. They already approved me. I can get creative and make it my own once I get in there. I'm gonna run by on my break and drop off the check for them. I can't keep dragging this out. It's time to make a decision and just get to it. No more of this debating shit... Gotta get it done.

I had some really gnarly calls this morning which sucked. I'm so ready for lunch now. It's actually been really busy today too which I guess is good. I've been taking more complex cases and because we're so busy I'm taking a larger volume of cases too so the stress is inching its way in. The hardest part is getting stuck on something and just not knowing what the next step should be. When you're dealing with so many different elements it makes things tough.

Oh btw I was talking to Melvin, the guy who sits in front of me... Big gamer. He's getting a new chair... Still not at sexy as your race car chair but it's nice. He said he has a mini projector that projects this screen onto the ceiling so he can actually lean back in his chair and play that way. I have no idea how you have all your stuff configured but I thought that was pretty cool!

Sometimes when I need to feel you close I chew your gum... Is that weird? Don't answer that lol it may be weird but it works for me. When I need an extra dose of courage it helps. You always did that for me. You helped me be brave.

You sure you don't wanna meet up one last time and just bang it out? Just a suggestion...;-)

I'm stressed from work today... But I feel better today other than that. I think having a final decision on an apartment helps. 

I did it! I signed the lease...I have an apartment that's all mine! Whoa... That's weird. Six months of alone time... Well kinda. I'm sure I'll keep myself occupied but it will be an adjustment. At least I know I can go home whenever I want. Gotta do laundry some time.

There's this lady sitting here in the leasing office with me... She seems like she's on something. She's probably not but just wow...I may be an emotionally heavy person but at least I'm not certifiable and dumb. Something positive to hold onto today lol

I move in on the 18th so it's time to start getting some things in order. Make my to do list and go to town. These are the things I excel at... Being organized and get shit done. 

I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. Nervous, excited, scared.... What if this is a mistake? Am I making a mistake? To late now...I already signed. Legal and binding. No use worrying about it. I just need to make the most of it now and really get to work figuring my shit out. 

Emotional rush this afternoon... For obvious reasons. If I didn't have an emotional reaction I'd be concerned. Just gotta keep taking it one day at a time I guess. I wish I could share this with you. I wish I had my best friend back to walk with me thru all this. I could really use a best friend right now. 

Clint said he's sad... But he's mostly sad for me. I asked him how that's possible and why. He said cuz he knows I'm hurting and this is hard for me. He said he thinks I'm being really brave. Gosh that guy... I really have him fooled... But he's sweet to say those things anyways. I have no reason to be hurting. He's the one that should have my sympathy. I hurt him... The closest person he has and I screwed up big time. No... There's no room for me to have sympathy in all this. 

Chat helps keep things level I think. I miss when we were on chats together. We made a good team. Do you remember that time you fell asleep during your break and slept for like 2 hours? Lol... You were so upset with yourself for leaving me on chat by myself for that long. It was cute ;-) 

I know I shouldn't go there but I really miss your friendship. I loved talking to you every day even before things got really deep. You were by far one of my favorite people to work with. People would always wonder what I was laughing at randomly lol you always made me laugh esp when I was stressed at work. You kept things light... Gosh the things we talked about. So random and dumb but also hilarious. Making fun of Bhaa was my favorite. He really is a nice guy but he was just a really sucky worker. Oh well... Those days are gone now I guess. 

Changing subjects so I don't get sad... I'm really excited about riding lessons tonight! I'm getting so good at the trot. She even had me do some different manuevers last time. I wish you could watch me ride... Then again I guess you did do that a couple times haha I crack myself up lol

Can you believe I've been at Zoom for 3 months already?! In some ways it feels like I've been here forever. I'm other ways it seems like just yesterday I was working with you. I can't believe how much has happened since then. That first month was pretty amazing tho...I think I'll just dwell on that for now.

You know I'm never gonna find another you. I'll never have another connection like that. You will haunt me.

Well it wasn't a great lesson...I didn't bomb it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. I had too much on my mind. Horses read emotions better than anyone and he knew I was distracted tonight. Ugh... Better luck next week I guess.

Talking to you like this helps I think. It makes me sad sometimes always having a one-sided conversation but then there are other times where it puts a smile on my face thinking about the times we had. You always were good about putting a smile on my face. I miss that...a lot. My days are so lonely now. I have Clint and always will in some form and he's wonderful. But you brought something different to the table...I can't quite put my finger on it but it was special. 

Do you remember when you told me that if you could give me 10 rings to prove how committed you were to me you would? You told me that if it was up to you that I'd never have to be alone during a dark time again. Those are the times I remember how much you used to care. You wouldn't admit it but you were addicted during those days. It was sweet and endearing. I loved it and I scooped up every minute. I knew some day those feelings would wear out regardless of what you said. I was determined to enjoy every bit of your love while I had it.

I just had a flashback...an incredibly vivid flashback. And no it wasn't dirty. It was just you. You were laughing and talking and enjoying being with me. I saw you so clearly babe. For a full five minutes I just stared at the floor and saw you in front of me. 

Those moments are bittersweet. On the one hand I get to see you... I'm reminded of the reality of what we had. That it wasn't all a dream or a figment of my imagination. On the other hand I realize that's all I have of you... My memories. What happens when they fade and I don't have those moments? What if I forget the look you used to give me or how you talked so sweetly? What if I forget you?

Too much...I can't take these thoughts and questions tonight. I don't want to think about forgetting you...I can't handle it right now. 

Tomorrow night is my company's Halloween party. We're doing it at the office after hours but it should be fun still. I don't know how late it will run since it's at the office. Definitely won't be calling you drunk this time... Unfortunately that's not even an option for me this time. Gosh that was such a fun night. That hour and a half was so great... Thank you again for doing that for me. I know you didn't have to but it meant a lot. I still remember counting stars... Or trying to. You not laying in the grass cuz of chiggers lol among other things. You showing me your background on your phone...I still love that you did that. Do you still have my picture there... Or is that gone now too? I remember sitting and holding your hand. You hugging me tight and not wanting to let go. Kissing me on the cheek and how you told me you loved me before you left. It was a beautiful night and I loved every minute of it. I wish we could have a million more of those...

Sorry I'm trying to keep this casual but it always comes back to you. My thoughts always come back to you eventually. 

Guess now is as good a time as any to go to bed. It's gonna be a long weekend filled with lots of being around ppl and pretending my life isn't a wreck and I'm not still hurting from losing my best friend. Gonna need a lot of sleep to keep up that emotional stamina. 

Good night sweetie...I love you.

A Touch of Normal - 10/25

Slept pretty good last night... Until about 3:30. I woke up and I just could not go back to sleep. I was thinking about you, about Clint, about moving out... It's all so overwhelming. But this is the right decision. I'm kinda sad to leave even for a little while. I've never been on my own before... Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself. I have a feeling my introverted self is really gonna come out over the next six months... This could be a good and bad thing. 

Today has been more normal. I enjoy days like these my emotions burn out and I can actually concentrate and feel more level. I think focusing on all the life changes ahead helps. It's a good distraction to have practical things to organize and keep me busy. I made a list of things I need to move into the apartment. I got a couple other quotes back and I'm really thinking this one I'm looking at today should work best. 

Work has been busy... Tickets, chats, and phones coming in like crazy! But that's also a good thing... Helps me stay focused and distracted and it helps me shine as a valuable member of the team. At least I hope that's what it's doing. I've learned that if my manager doesn't really come talk to you aside from just making small talk then you're on track. So...I think I'm doing well.

Ugh...I got really depressed after looking at the apartments. I know this is needed... But the reality just set in and this all just really sucks. I've never lived on my own before. I'm perfectly capable of doing it but that's not the point. It's so scary... What am I gonna do by myself? I don't really want to be alone. But that's all the more reason I need to push myself to do this. Even if it sucks I have to do it. As long as I stay home living with Clint I'm gonna keep going back and forth. I'll never make a real decision about anything. I have to be brave and step out on a limb. If this is the wrong choice well it's wrong but I have to try. 

Also the apartments I looked at just weren't as nice as I was hoping. They were clean but not as many amenities and the buildings were older. I could make it work if I can't find anything else. It's a good location and I quiet neighborhood so...I just have to keep inmind that you make it your own when you move in.

Clint reminded me that we have no timeline on this... No rush. We wanted to get me moved before the holidays but if I'm not finding anything I'm comfortable with then we can wait. I sent out a couple more emails this afternoon on some apartments more in the Shawnee area. The buildings are a bit newer and they come with a bit more for the same price. So... I'm just gonna see what responses I get back over the next few days and we'll go from there!

Trying to keep my chin up. This is tough but necessary. I have to be brave. I can't let my fears shake me from doing what I know I need to do. I've loved my life but something is innately wrong with it. I need a break from what I've known to find out what's going on so I can figure out how to move forward. I don't have to rush this. I'm only 31... Kids will wait, marriage and relationships will wait...I have to figure me out and this is a big element of that.

Today seems to be going by so fast! I like it! I'm freaking out a bit about working out tonight. I just feel like I'm gonna suck and I think we're doing arms today which means that I'm 99.9% guaranteed not to be able to have use of them for the next 3 days lol

We had this guy call in just now wanting to know why he couldn't get any video in his conference room... Well you see, you dialed into the meeting with your phone so.... Lol I laughed so hard. I'm glad I wasn't on the call.

Emily made me do less reps but higher weight tonight... Ugh it sucked but I have to build muscle so gotta push it.

I got chipotle tonight... Meant to eat half tonight and save the rest for tomorrow... Yeah that did NOT happen. Lol...I have a weakness... It's Mexican food.

We're watching this movie called I Love You Man... It's older but hilarious. Paul Rudd and Jason Stiegel... Great combo lol Rudd's character is SO awkward its stupid. Lol this movie is so dumb haha

Oh my God... I'm so full!! Why did I eat the whole thing?! 

I think I'm gonna swing by another place tomorrow and check it out... See what they have available. There has to be more out there! I mean the one I went to today will do. It was clean spacious but there was no dishwasher or laundry in unit and I know I'm dreaming here but I'd love a fireplace! I mean if I'm gonna be stuck by myself all winter a fireplace to read in front of would be really nice. I don't know if that's realistic on our budget but dammit I'm sure gonna try!

This movie is so dumb... Don't bother lol unless you want a really dumb dude movie to watch some night. I gotta say it's been good to have on in the background and there's been a few good laughs but it's so dumb lol

I bought like 6 audio books tonight... I'm getting ready for some lonely. I just finished "The Help"... Such a great book! I haven't watched the movie yet cuz I wanted to read the book first so now that's going on my list. I'm actually excited about having all this time to catch up on some reading. I'm only 2 books in to the Harry Potter series...I know. I'm WAY behind the times. I also haven't watched the movies so I'm watching each one after I finish the book. These are good goals... Good habits I need to create during this time. 

Today was a better day... I'm so glad. I needed a day of non-emotion. Tomorrow is Thursday tho and we're always slower so we'll see but I'm gonna try to enjoy this brief reprieve as long as I can. I hope you had a good day. I miss you...I really wish things were different between us so I could get you a job with me. It's such a great place to work... You'd really thrive there. I know you're sick and you're always going to have that... But seriously I wish you had this too.

Ok enough of this. Time for some rest. I'm crossing my fingers that I can actually sleep through the night tonight... Double dose of melatonin here I come!

One Step at a Time - 10/24

I wrestled all night in my sleep. I woke up at 1 and saw you still hasn't checked snap chat... All day. Maybe you're sick, maybe you just needed a break, maybe you're fading.... Or maybe you're gone. No matter what the reason my heart broke a little more. I could feel the sobs riding in my chest and I forced them back down. I told myself you'd want me to be strong. You'd want me to sleep. So I did. 

Kinda sad again this morning but I'm trying to push through. Got some Starbucks, had a protein shake for breakfast, got slightly dolled up for the second day in a row... For whatever reason that helps. 

First phone call this morning was an AV guy at some company tong to figure out why they're getting echo sounds in their meetings. An hour later we narrowed it down to potential router setting or hardwired configuration keeping the bandwidth from getting through. I had a little help on this one obvi but I still figured it out! I was so proud of myself for just jumping in and troubleshooting with him and he was very thankful. That was my win for the day.

I wish I knew what was going on with you. I have this bad feeling that I can't quite put my finger on but I just feel like something is off. I know you've never believed in my feelings of intuition and that's fine but it doesn't stop me from having them. It's just the way I am and always have been. 

Well I passed on the apartment downtown. Too many red flags so I'm gonna stick to pursuing something closer to work. Makes more sense anyways. 

Clint told me thank you this morning for letting him continue to read my blog and continuing to be raw and open regardless if it may hurt him. He said that he's never seen that side of me this consistently before. This hit me a couple ways. First... I realized just how good I am at hiding emotion from when the people closest to me. Second...it reminded me how special my connection to you was and why is still so hard for me to let you go. I trusted you... Implicitly with my heart and soul.

I went to Target on my break... Got some basic necessities that I'll need in an apartment. Trying to be cheap about it and just make do with the bare minimums. Most of the stuff I can grab from home but I don't want to take too much with me either. For one thing this is short term. For another not many people are gonna know I'm moved out. We don't wanna make it a big thing until we know exactly what we're doing. 

Clint surprised me today with something he said. We were talking about how you left and how I had no faith that you'd come back just based on who you are and everything you told me when you left. I told him he was probably cheering for you to completely pull away. He told me that he wasn't really cheering for us one way or another. He actually felt that if I chose to leave he could see you being a good friend for me during that time. That he can see how special you were to me and how you were good for me. You were a good friend and he'd want that for me if I wasn't with him. I'm constantly amazed by his perspective on this whole situation. He really just wants me to be happy... Even if it's not with him. 

We also talked about how I'm feeling about staying with him. I told him some days I see the benefits of being single and just letting him go. Other days I see how amazing he is and the life we've built and I don't want to give that up. But ultimately I can't make this decision based on anyone else's expectations, even his. This has to be the best thing for me. If it's not we'll just end up back here again. He really understood that and agreed. He's willing to give me that time.

This afternoon has been better... More level-headed which is nice. I think it actually helps when I have these conversations with Clint. Of course I'm still sad about the possibility of not being with him but there's also a peace that comes from thinking about moving on from him and living my own life. If I knew he was going to be ok without me I honestly think I wouldn't think twice about it. I love him...I want him to be happy. I just don't know if that's with me anymore. 

We didn't go rock climbing yesterday. I ended up getting stuck at work for awhile so I was exhausted when I got home and Clint was too. We're going tonight tho.. I hope I do well. I get so freaked out being up that high. My heart races so fast. There were times last time we went where I just froze up on the wall. I literally had to talk out loud to myself to keep going. It's a great mental exercise... It will be good for me to do right now and prove to myself that I can be strong. 

Well the afternoon went fast... We were really busy so that helped. Came home and made dinner which was fabulous! I can't take too much credit. It was a Hello Fresh recipe. We're headed to rock climbing now so it would be fun! I hope I don't chicken out.

How Not To by Dan and Shay... Explains me right now in pretty much every line.

Climbing went really well... It was good for me to get out and do that. For some reason it really got me excited about moving out. Not sure how the two correlate aside from the fact that it's something I'll have to do on my own. 

I'm stopping by a place tomorrow on my break off of Metcalf and 91st. Great location, great price...I hope it fits. The apartment is available Nov 1st so right on time to get moved in and settled before the holidays. There's a Starbucks literally within walking distance so I'm golden lol they have a couple apartments available. I'm trying to decide if it's worth the extra 40 a month to have a deck during winter...hmmmm

Thank you for checking in more today... It really meant a lot. I know I have no room or right to ask that of you and I certainly don't expect it. I just really appreciate it when you do. It helps a little knowing that you care. Makes me feel less unwanted which helps me be able to stand a little taller and make the hard decisions I need to make right now. I wish with all my heart things were different for us but at this point I'm so happy just seeing your bitmoji face pop up every now and then. I know that sounds dumb lol but it's true. 

How are you luv? How are you and Kelsey doing? I've wondered if anything with me hurt you two. I hope that's not the case. I never wanted to come between you... Always wanted her to be first priority. I never wanted to replace her... She's so good for you. Way less drama than me lol anyways I hope everything with you is good. 

Well... I'm exhausted and I have a long day tomorrow. Apartment shopping and training with Emily tomorrow night... Gonna get my ass handed to me prolly but oh well. I got beef up... My arms are so skinny. Better than they were but good grief the gangliness. Alright enough of this... Time for bed and hopefully 8 hours of solid sleep. Crossing my fingers. 

My Only Comfort - 10/23

Two cup coffee day headed my way! I just did not sleep well last night. I had this dream that combined me being a vampire with me searching for you and trying to earn you back... So I felt like I was awake struggling all night. Not very restful. Combine that with the fact that I was actually awake from 5-6 for whatever reason cuz my brain wouldn't shut off and it's gonna make for an interesting morning. 

I have chats every Monday and Friday morning which you think would really suck but it works for me. I don't have to think about responding to cases or taking new ones. They just come to me and I have to deal with it. Takes some of the pressure off plus the day goes by faster too. I'm up to 4 chats now which is sometimes really intense but it gives you a feeling of accomplishment at the same time. 

I'm so frustrated. I thought I was finally getting over the worst of this last week. I had several days where I felt almost normal...I saw hope but Thursday it all started creeping back in and I feel like I'm suffocating again. I don't understand. I'm working so hard at this. I really am Hun... But I can't control it. It's like my heart is bleeding and it's forcing memories and emotions out regardless of what I do.

Clint keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. He has so much hope...I don't know why. I honestly can't figure out why. Look at my track record... I'm clearly a failure at emotions and relationships. This is never going to get better. And I'm more and more convinced that I need to cut Clint loose. I know he agreed to love me forever and all that jazz but this is too much. No one should have to go through this. He didn't do anything wrong. I just don't feel in love with him and because of that my heart is unsettled... Which causes me to do things that hurt him. At least I know that much is for sure. The rest is still up in the air... Who knows what will happen.

We're going rock climbing again tonight. I'm excited cuz I should do better than last time now that I proved that I could handle the height. If I can't conquer things emotionally in my life, maybe I can at least show myself that I can conquer physical things like this. 

I want you to know that I'm trying so hard to move forward...I really am. I'm trying to be strong like you said and I have days and moments that are better than others. But on my bad days... They're really bad. The feelings of that hole creep in and threaten suffocation...I literally feel like I can't breathe. I think a lot of my problem is that my memories, when they come back, are still so vivid. It's the way my mind has always worked which is good for most scenarios but definitely not helping in me healing from you. I still remember every little thing.... And I doubt that will ever change unless I get amnesia or something. My other issue is that my heart knows that what you and I had was real and special... That the love was real but life circumstances kept us from being together. That makes this so difficult. 

I guess eventually you could develop feelings of hatred for me and if that helps you heal that's fine but I know you loved me at the time. There were no lies in that... You communicated it very clearly. I know over time things change especially since we're not together. I can't remind you of what we had... We will fade. It's ok if this happens to you. It should happen to me... But I doubt it will. It's just not the way my heart works. Never has been. 

Emotions are so debilitating sometimes...I feel like I could legit put in for time off for like emotional health or something. But that wouldn't be good. Even though it's a struggle to function every day, at least I have something pushing me. I can't lose this job.

Clint just asked me how I'm doing. I hate talking about this with him. I know it hurts him to know how much I love you. But he wants me to be honest... It's such a fine line. 

I told him the hardest part is that you just left without looking back. I have no closure. Even with Joe we were still around each other so we had time to let feelings fade more slowly. It was a natural separation. And my feelings for you were ten times stronger so this is even worse. This was just jarring to my system. You were there and then you weren't and I'll never see or talk to you again. My brain doesn't know how to process that. I don't know how any human processes that. It's literally like a sudden death... That's the only thing I can relate it to. 

I know that's just you and how you deal with things... I'm not trying to make you hurt because of your choices. But you need to know that a lot of the reason this is so hard for me is because you chose to leave the way you did. I hope that's something you can understand. I'm sure you've already thought through that. I mean that method would be hard for anyone but it's especially hard for me and my personality. But... You probably already knew that.

No snap chat all day... It worries me. But I have no right to worry anymore or keep you attached to me in any form. It's not fair for me to put that on you. I'm thankful with anything I get at this point.... Even the smallest point of contact I'm thankful for. 

Clint tried talking to me after dinner. I've been really sad today... He was trying to help. I feel like he understands but it's also hard for him to help me with this. I tried telling him how I feel... It helped a little saying some of the things I've been thinking out loud. But then it got weird. I want to be talking to you. I want to tell you how much I love you and miss you.... How much I hate that I don't have any closure and how I feel that the way you left was so hurtful but I still love you through it all. 

I have mixed feelings about moving out but mainly I just want to be alone so I can grieve you the way I need to. I don't want to be the buzz kill around Clint anymore and have him deal with me like this all the time. 

Closing in on an apartment. If the one downtown doesn't work out I have a few others lined up in the Overland Park area. They're all 6 month leases but we talked about it and decided that was ok. It's still affordable for us on a monthly basis and 6 months might be better anyways. Might work towards moving out over the next couple weeks. I'm glad I spent some time cleaning yesterday. Now Clint will just have to maintain which shouldn't be a problem. Now I have to start thinking of what I'm going to take. Decisions decisions... At least it's something that will be another distraction for me. I should start making a list.

I'm sorry if what I wrote yesterday was too painful. I know you've never wanted to hurt me. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm getting over you and things have faded but I can't lie. I told you that you were special to me and you never believed me. I'm sorry if it hurts to see me hurting....I get it if you have to cut me off completely. I don't want you to go... But if it's best for you I get it. I've always wanted what's best for you... Even if that's taking me out of your life.

I tried to have good sex tonight I really did. I even initiated... I'm really trying. 

Maybe I should stop writing and posting but I'm afraid the habit will break and then I'll have nothing. You'll really be gone for good. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet...I can't handle any more breaking right now. Please stay... Even just a little bit. I'm literally hanging on by a thread right now. I can't have you completely disappear yet. You're like my guardian angel always watching over me. If you leave I don't know who I'll talk to. I guess I'll just be talking to your ghost. 

I know it's painful for you to still be here... But this is just a small glimpse of how painful it is for me to be living this every day. I am the cause of my own demise. I've ruined my life and I'm potentially losing everything. Every day I walk through a fog trying to push my way through just to make it to the end when I can sleep... My only real reprieve from this pain. Missing you, trying to figure out where my life is headed, feeling remorse for the pain I cause to everyone I love.... These are my battles every day, but it gives me courage knowing you're still cheering me on. You're still hoping I get back up. You're still telling me to be strong, that you love me and if you would be with me if you could. I know that... Deep down I do. 

No matter how lonely I get I know I'm still in your heart and I'll always have a special place there. Those thoughts are where I live during my dark moments. They bring me comfort. We may be very different in how we heal. You may have already moved on and your patience for my drama dried up...I really don't know. But I'll keep on loving you and living with the knowledge that at one time you loved me this deeply too.

Falling to Pieces - 10/22

I feel like I say this every morning... But I still do really miss you. I woke up thinking about you, about how on Tuesday it'll be a month since you broke up with me. A whole month. Gosh... That's so depressing. A whole month since you decided to walk away and never look back. No communication. Nothing. You could've moved to France and I'd never know. I have nothing to cling to anymore. You're just gone. Disappeared forever from my life. And it still hurts like hell.

Clint is going to be gone all day. He's going to St Louis with some friends to do beer stuff. I'm determined to make this a profitable day and not mope. My house is a mess so I'm gonna open the windows and clean. Then tonight I need to work out a bit, maybe do some art. Hopefully staying busy will keep my mind off of how much of a void you've left in my heart and how even after all this time I can still feel it. 

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you.

Faded played while tears rolled down my cheeks...I was folding laundry and it immediately hit me how much I lost when you walked away. This is all still so fresh. 

Do you feel any of this? Or is it just me feeling the void?

Clint texted me this while he was sitting in church: 

"I want you to know you're not a failure. There's not something wrong with you. You're not crazy, you're not hopeless, and you're not finished. I know there's so much more that your life has to offer for you and those around you. You're stronger than you think and I know this is just a low point of your life. You will come out the other side stronger than you are now. You're an amazing woman and I love you very much!" 

I immediately fell apart...I laid on my bed in the fetal position, broken down and crying. How can he still love me after all this? How can he have so much faith in me? How can he keep wanting to give to me emotionally knowing I may never be the same? I may never be able to move past you. I broke myself and all the rules loving you. I had everything I needed until you walked in. You brought things to my life I had been craving for so long... And now you're gone. My life feels empty and hopeless. I don't know what direction to go or how to keep breathing without you. Clint knows all this... Yet he still fights for me and with me. I don't deserve this man. 

This morning was pretty rough but I tried fighting through it. Cleaning, doing laundry... Trying to stay productive. It's helping...a little.

I made myself cum this afternoon... It helped a little I think. 

Morgan gave me a good idea for housing. She told me to look on craigslist for sublets... Duh. I actually found one downtown, fully furnished and affordable. We'll see what happens. 

Sat down to watch the Packers game then promptly fell asleep on the couch... Guess I was tired. They lost anyways. It was a good try tho. I hope they can pull it together but let's be honest they were already struggling this season. Now with Rodgers out it's gonna be even more of a fight to finish the season out strong. But... We'll see what happens! 

Notice in trying to have more hope and faith in things... Its not working but whatevs.

It's been hard today not to want to text you just to see how you're doing. To talk like we used to. But...I wouldn't want to push my luck. You had no problem cutting me off and I'm thankful for the little bit of you that I still have in my life. If I push it you'd probably disappear completely...I think that would probably be the end for me. I'd like to believe I'd be strong enough to handle it... But I would prefer not having to find out.

Ran to the store for some things, grabbed dinner... I'm doing ok right now. I've gotten a lot done today so that's helped. I have plans to pamper myself a little tonight. Hoping that helps too but only time will tell. 

Sorry for the play by play... I'm just bored and lonely... It's days like this I would've spent talking to you like we used to. Greeted with good morning and finished off with an I love you and sweet dreams. I miss those days more than I can actually express. 

I could really use a full body, oiled down, deep tissue massage right now. I feel like every part of my body aches.

I feel so alone hun...I keep pushing ppl away because of what I'm going through. I've had some reach out but it's hard to play catch up. I don't have the energy for it. To explain what's happened to me over the last 6 months. To relive it is painful enough. To risk being judged or given unsolicited advice about everything and having my mind messed with even more. No... This isn't something to bring more people into.... No matter how lonely I am without you.

What I posted this morning is true you know...I don't just miss you. When you left you took a part of me with you. You are missing from me... Missing from who I am. You became a part of me. When you love someone like I loved you, a part of them will always be with you. If they leave they take pieces of who you are with them. 

I really hope this apartment downtown works out. It's in the crossroads district so it's close to some good places to chill in the evenings and be alone but not be completely by myself. It's furnished so I don't have to worry about that element. It would be a good place for me to evaluate life. 

I feel like I just keep saying the same things over and over again. Same story, different day... Is there ever going to be a day when I don't miss you. Where I don't feel like I've completely fucked up my life. Where I don't feel so completely lost. It all seems so hopeless right now and I'm so tired of being this broken record. You brought so much life and joy to me. I want those feelings back. I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't do it anymore. Fighting and struggling to get through each day without you. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Every single day is so painful and I'm so exhausted. I want to start over. I want to be done with all this... With everything. 

Spent some time tonight wrapping up some loose ends with the preschool ministry. I forgot to tell you I stepped down. I won't be helping anymore. I loved working with the kids but if ppl knew what was going on it might cause issues. I don't want to put the church's reputation at risk just cuz I'm going thru some stuff most ppl wouldn't get. Anyways, I finally got all the responsibilities divided out. I'll help with scheduling volunteers and be an occasional fill in but that's it. Looks like I'm actually tying up a lot of loose ends in my life right now... Not really sure how to feel about that at the moment.

Have you ever just read thru some of the personal ads on Craigslist... Its quite humorous. I was on there checking out apartments and I just got bored so I pursued through them. It brought some great entertainment. There were actually done decent ones in there... Not that I'd ever be dumb enough to do that but it was interesting for sure.

Clint still isn't home and I'm bored. I'm proud of myself tho... Kept myself busy all day. I didn't mope. It was a struggle but I made it through it. At least that's one positive to take away from all this. 

I hope everything is going ok with you. Gosh I miss you so much sweetie... Ugh, and the tears come... Yes that quickly. It doesn't really take that much. I have got to find something to distract myself until Clint gets home. What am I gonna do on my own? I feel so trapped. Can't stay, can't leave. Can't function... When is this every going to stop? Why can't I just be normal? Why did you have to leave? Don't you see what happened? I told you I'd fall apart and trust me I wish it hadn't come true but it did. And there's nothing from you... Ever. You just left. Like I was nothing to you. Like everything we had was a lie. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to move forward throwing all the dreams we had away? Look at my life. Look at me...I know this is all my fault but why aren't you here. You promised that I wouldn't have to be without you. The time I need you most and all I get is silence.... Do you have any idea how much I still hurt? Do you even care? I want to believe you do but if you do... How can you stay away? I don't understand. I just don't get it. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why were you brought to me if I couldn't keep you? I feel like this is the universe's joke on me... Some cruel punishment for some sun I've committed. I thought I found something special in you.... But we're destined to be apart.... And now I'm dying because of it.