Lots of thoughts... no answers

I've had a little bit of time to myself this week to re-focus and try to clear my head. It's helped... at least in some areas. I'm dedicated to trying to pull myself out of this emotional funk. It's been such a tough year, but I don't want to live my life in the shadows anymore. I'm working on me again, and my relationships. Baby steps for sure, but they're steps!

Then I go to church this week, not out of desire or obligation, but because I Know I need to. Usually worship is my favorite part of the service, but not today. I hear phrases about how God has the power and we need to surrender everything. I usually take comfort in them but in light of my current situation, it makes me laugh. Scoff really.

Does God have the power to change my circumstances? Of course he does! But that doesn't mean He's going to. And these songs about surrendering everything are a joke. They're created by people who have some ill-conceived concept that God needs our permission to do with our lives whatever He wants. He already has control. Singing these songs just makes You feel like a good Christian because you're voluntarily sacrificing something for "the cause". God is pleased by those words but He doesn't need them.

I think part of the reason I struggle so much right now is because I Know my life is His. I Know He can and will do what is best for His plans, not mine. I Know also that making us happy and comfortable Are not his primary goals. He loves us, but it's not the Kind of love we're used to. It's not just a doting love, it's also a just love. One filled with hurt and disappointment. God doesn't live to please us. We were created to please Him with every ounce of our being.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking, "Oh good, she's speaking truth to herself. She's not doubting God or her faith." And that's true.

But let me tell you something...

These truths bring no comfort.

All I feel is deep despair, confusion, and frustration. But I believe God is who He says He is. One point for fundamental Christianity, Zero for me.

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To Feel or Not to Feel

Some days I feel everything. Some days I feel nothing...a consequence of feeling too much of everything that my heart turns itself off out of self-preservation. Today, I wanted to sing. I wanted to feel the words and let the truth of the melody flow through my heart, but I couldn't bear it. I was feeling too much and, for fear of completely breaking down in the middle of a crowd of people, I turned it off. I was never able to regain that emotion today. I stood there, lips moving, ears hearing, but my heart wasn't beating. It was numb. Numb to the emotion of pain that I feel so deep inside.

I'm sure some people think I'm weak and overdramatic for feeling the way that I do. There are so many people out there with real problems. Problems like death, disease, and poverty. I don't have those things. I have discomfort, waiting, a life put on hold. To many this wouldn't be a problem, but God knows how to get to me. The recipe is always the same. I allow myself to get excited about an idea. I enthusiastically draw up plans and think through details. Then the plans slowly unravel over time as God allows me to wait. My enthusiasm dissipates. My desires become pits in my heart, begging to be filled. I know this is how I grow. I know that when I'm on the other side of this valley I will look back and see the answers to all these why's, but right now, the valley is barren and bruised. I feel forsaken and forgotten.

I don't want to whine and complain. I know that I'm blessed beyond all measure. I read the words in those songs about grace and how I'm forgiven. I know they're true. I believe them in my head, but I can't feel them in my heart. All I can think is why do I have to keep playing the waiting game? Why is it always my lot in life to have to put my desires on hold. They're good desires. Desires that would bring Him glory, and me happiness. I don't want to sound ungrateful for asking for more, but I want more. I want someone to love and inspire. I want to influence the next generation. Does that make me a bad person? Am I wrong to desire that God give me the chance to do that? Is it wrong that salvation isn't enough for me, that I want to do more with this life than just serve day in and day out?

I heard 2 things today, one encouraged me and one scared me. I'm not sure now which one to believe as truth. Maybe you can help me decide...

The first was during a message that my pastor brought about being generous. As I sat and listened about how God blesses those who are generous, I couldn't help but think about all the ways that I've been generous with my time, money, and resources, especially the last 3 years. Not that I'm perfect...we always have room to grow, and I accept that. But then he said something that scared me. He talked about God entrusting you with big things because he can see that you're trustworthy with the little things. I know he didn't mean it like this, but all I heard was, "God doesn't see you as trustworthy yet". I haven't been as faithful with the little things as I could. My marriage, my relationships, my attitudes, my friends...maybe God sees that and knows I'm not trustworthy yet. Maybe these are tests that I've failed some how, despite my efforts. But then I think, God's grace covers everything. He doesn't bless us based on our merit. He blesses us based on His! But, I find no relief in that answer...because it still leaves me with the unanswered question of, "Why is He not blessing me?".

Then tonight, I started a new book about someone who went through similar struggles as I'm going through right now. I thought it would be uplifting to listen to someone who made it through this particular valley. First, let me just make the statement that I'm not usually a "cry while reading a book" person. Yes, I get involved in the characters and visualize everything, but that's just not me. Tonight, however, I was almost in tears 3 separate times in the first chapter alone! With that said, I will leave you with a piece of this chapter that I hope I can say will some day be true about my valley.

"And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant rumblings would annoy Him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me.
And I felt hungry.
I wasn't this hungry when God was a distant coach, forcing me to perform.
I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted.
I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me.
Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive. An alien that would grow to be my favorite kind of alive: secret, hidden to all eyes but mine and those nearest to me. 
This had to be the hope of a lifetime, Him and Him alone.
But redemption is full of dimensions.
Little did I know that staring at Him, looking deeply, wouldn't always be a secret. This new perspective was infectious, inside and out. 
Little did I know that I was to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

~Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty

Blame or Blessing

These past 6 months I've wrestled with so many emotions : fear, depression, hope, disappointment, and anger. The object of these emotions cycles from God, to my husband, but mostly lands on myself. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I was happy not moving on to that step in my life because we had so many adventures and freedom. But eventually the adventures became reminders that there was a void needing to be filled, and the freedom became my own personal Hell.

I could sit and blame my husband for waiting 6 years before he was finally ready to take that leap of faith, because if he was truly honest with himself, he would admit that faith was the cause of not pursuing this step in our lives. We don't have the money. You're not done with school. What if you have to quit your job? How much do diapers cost these days anyhow? I can't tell you how many times we had that conversation. Inevitably the result was always to wait. I agreed because I wanted Kids to be something he wanted to, not something I forced on him, but each time I died a little inside. Now here we are...trying unsuccessfully for a year. I can't blame him. Even with the lack of intimacy and sexual encounters, I know he has no control over this.

So then the blame bounces between God and myself. I Know He is in control, and I Know he could bless me at any time...yet He chooses not to. Then the why comes into play, and, friends, whenever you wander into trying to understand the mind of God, things get twisted. The questions You ask about life, yourself, and your past leave you feeling empty and discouraged. We Know God is not vengeful in holding back blessings from His people, but there are always consequences to your actions. I've strayed so many times. I've hurt so many people on the path to self-discovery.

Currently, I wrestle every day with the awful person I've become and that I don't deserve the relationships in my life. Maybe God has that perspective too. Maybe He sees me as the emotionally-unbalanced, manically depressed person that I am. Maybe He's punishing me. Maybe He sees me as unfit and unworthy to unselfishly love another human being.

I Know God loves me. I Know He always has a plan and a purpose. Is it possible that He sees more strength in me than I see in myself? That He Knows who He's built, and He Knows that this won't Knock me down? I don't have that faith in myself night now. I can see it in my husband's eyes that he's lost that faith in me too. All my friends seem to turn their backs on me. I'm difficult, angry, unpleasant to be around... I'm hard to handle. This might be the true cause of my despair. The moments when I'm crushed under the weight of who I am, no one is left to hold my arms up. Maybe I was always meant to be a hermit. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. I guess only God knows the answers...

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