Chains - 12/27

Christmas was ok... Calm, uneventful. I think I ended up watching a total of 6 Christmas movies in 2 days because I was glued to the couch not feeling well. Gosh I'm so tired of being sick. This winter has been the worst for that. 

Even now I'm awake because I can't stop coughing so I figured I might as well write.

I've been at the house for a couple days. Clint and I wanted to spend the holiday weekend together and it's been really nice. He still keeps his distance physically but other than that things are pretty much the same. Considering we didn't have a lot there physically to begin with it pretty much feels like normal. 

I still don't know what the right move is. I've learned in my brief time being single that most of the men out there are emotionally immature little men wanna be's that wouldn't know how to take care of a real woman emotionally or physically if their lives depended on it... Yes, I'm learning very quickly.

Despite these lessons though, I've managed not to get too invested emotionally myself. Yes it's painful when something doesn't work the way I thought it was going too but I've learned how to move on quickly. I even have a routine down now for shutting people out of my private space and keeping them at arm's length just as an acquaintance. Overall it's been working quite well.

That being said, I really am not pursuing any more "lessons" in the near future. I've had my fill for awhile. I've had my sexual escapades as one would call it. Now it's time for me to remove all distraction and get down to business.

Clint and I have both agreed to go to counseling separately after the holidays are over. We're hoping that provides a little more clarity for both of us moving into the spring to know what we both want separately and together. 

I know I love him... There's never been a question about that. But is the type of love I have for him enough to overcome the lacking chemistry that I constantly feel? Can someone with my type of sex drive be satisfied with just one man... One that isn't even close to the same sex drive as I am? If I decide that I want to stay and work it out, is it even possible to get through our past? Will Clint even decide he wants to take that journey with me? 

These questions constantly in the back of my mind. It's like a never-ending chain of irrational links circling about me, trapping me inside my own mind. All I look for is that one key that will unlock the answer and set me free. 

I don't think I really care one way or another at this point. I just want an answer. A solid answer that I won't grow to regret the rest of my life. 

I don't know if that's realistically possible but finding it is the only thing that's giving me hope for a future right now.

Glimmers of Hope - 12/20

Smiles, laughter, hugs, showing affection, listening to someone share about their problems, texting positive thoughts to a struggling friend, filling my time with healthy habits and positive people.... All things I'm doing right now. 

These things I do on the outside in the hopes that the saying "fake it till you make it" some day comes true.

Most people don't know what I'm going through... And even the ones that do don't realize how much pain I'm in on a daily basis. I've fooled everyone... Even myself. 

I don't have much hope right now. I just keep doing the things that i think will some day bring a light back into my life. 

I try not to think about the future, or the past. Both are accompanied with sadness. 

Instead I focus on today. What is today going to bring? What will it look like? What do I have planned that will keep my heavy heart from collapsing and the sadness in my chest from choking me out?

It's not that I don't enjoy being single. It actually suits me quite well. It's the regret that kills me most days. That's what I have to learn to cope with and work through if I'm ever going to have hope in my future.

It's evenings like this that I'm reminded that I can do this. Peacefully sitting listening to Bing Crosby, all my Christmas lights on, sweet smelling scents from my holiday candles, and a cozy cup of tea, wearing my comfy socks.... It's the little things like this that remind me how to be happy just being me.

I know the holidays bring their own set of nostalgic feelings, and years I can't go home for Christmas is even worse. Thinking about this being the last Christmas that Clint and I spend together just tops it off. But.... This isn't the end of the world. I need to remember to enjoy the small moments in my life, the special people in my life, and the opportunities to love just being me again. 

This coming year that's what my goals are going to be. Relationships may come and go but in the end all you have is yourself. If you can't love who you are first how can you expect anyone else to. 

I want to love me again. To enjoy using the gifts I've been given. To spend time discovering things that interest me. To travel and explore new places. This year is not a year of sadness and loss. It's a year for me. That doesn't mean I forget about other people. I've already learned in this short time that a big part of who I am is loving other people... Even if I don't get the same love in return. I'm strong enough to handle that when most aren't. This world needs more people in it who are willing to love relentlessly.

I want to be happy but most of all I want to find how to love being who I am. These are the things that bring me that glimmer of hope...I have to hold on to that.

Duty and Disgust - 12/19

Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day. Having Clint inadvertently pressure me to make a decision while at the same time finally admitting to me that he's not sure he even wants to try to make it work with me anymore. 

Oh the things I've destroyed with my lack of contentment. Sure I have freedom, ample attention from men, great sex available to me at any time... But at what cost?

What do I want really? 

I want someone to love me for who I am. I want it to last forever. I want to have babies together and grow old with that someone. I want chemistry and passion and affection. I want someone to adore me.

Clint bent over backwards to please me... But I almost wonder if he ever really loved me like that or if he loved me out of duty... Because he needed to. He struggles so much with doing what he wants if it goes against duty and what other people think is acceptable. I know how hard it is to move away from that mindset... Despite how I'm living, I still struggle with that too.

So what am I giving up? A potentially loveless marriage where we fulfill each other's needs out of duty for the rest of my life. He's a good man... And I've found how rare it is to find those. But it's not fair to him for me to stay just because I'm afraid of never finding that again.

I don't know that I'll ever find someone who will really love me. I'm difficult enough as it is but then you throw all this complicated drama on top of it... What man would ever risk their happiness on that? Who would ever think I'm actually worth fighting for after everything I've done?

I feel like a lost cause. Like I've lost everything I was working towards and I'll never really be happy now. Somehow I need to learn to accept my current circumstances and learn to make the most of them. 

Maybe I'll just be one of those people who live to make other ppl happy. I have the capacity to love and help people. Maybe I just need to channel that and find opportunities to use it. I enjoy helping ppl... It makes me feel like I'm doing something good with my life. Redeeming myself for past mistakes.

Do you ever just feel completely disgusted with yourself? Like what's the point of my being here anymore? I do no one any good... Just cause pain and grief for ppl I love the most. No matter how hard I try... Nothing is ever good enough. And I've now made mistakes that will always define me. Very few people would understand the circumstances leading to my betrayal and really should they? 

What I've done is unacceptable to pretty much everyone...Regardless of the reasons. I don't deserve redemption, happiness, or understanding from anyone. I deserve what I've been given. Loneliness, regret, an empty feeling that never seems to go away despite who I try to help or how many distractions I put into my day.

Today is a day that I see the value in abandoning everything and everyone and going some place new... Starting over completely.

I officially hate my life. I hated it before. I hate it now. I unsatisfied with life and no person will ever be able to change that for me. It's up to me to make my life something worth living. To find some semblance of happiness amidst all this pain and heartache.

Being a Disappointment - 12/10

I feel lonely, empty... Ashamed and full of regret. A complete disappointment to everyone in my life. A waste of space and effort. 

Sure I've been struggling to be content with my life for awhile and falling for you was the catalyst that brought that struggle to the surface. I know that now. 

But God I still wish I could take it all back. I wish I didn't know what I know about myself now. I wish I could put my head back in the sand. To keep pretending that the box I was living in was enough to satisfy me.

I can't erase the past 6 months from my life. I can't unhurt my friends, my family, my husband. I can't unlearn what's it's like to really love someone, to have that kind of connection and chemistry. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe it was just supposed to be for a little while, to help open my eyes... It doesn't matter what the reason was for me falling for you. What I know is that falling for you has destroyed everything I've known to be true in my life. 

I'm lost. I'm damaged. I don't know where to go. I'm starting over. Completely fresh. Remaking myself from the ground up. None of that daunts me. I am Independent. I am brave. I can do this. 

Unfortunately, most people don't understand... Or agree. I'm disappointing people. Letting them down with my choices. 

I took this time to find out who I am and where I stand. I needed to do this to know for sure what the next steps are in my life. Clint knows this. He doesn't agree with my choices but he supports my time away. But I'm still hurting him. He's still waiting on me... Stuck in limbo with his own life. Not knowing what to do or where to go. He won't have sex with me. He's pulled away more emotionally to protect himself during this separation time. I feel him slipping away.... And it hurts. It hurts because I know I did this. I never should've gotten married to him. I should've set him free years ago and now... There's so much pain and heartache in our journey to figure things out. 

I don't know how to do this. I feel so stuck. I need time to figure things out but I don't want to string Clint along either especially knowing how much he disagrees with my lifestyle. It's not fair to him. I thought he was taking this time to decide for himself if this is what he wanted but today he told me he's waiting on me.

He's waiting on me... Everyone is waiting on me to decide. Everything is on hold until I know what the next step is. Just when I was finally feeling free and feeling more like myself than I had in years... It all comes crashing in again. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't take time to figure this out. I want what's best for him. I just don't know what that is.

People look at the decisions I'm making and immediately assume I'm being selfish. I don't think they realize that it would be a far more selfish choice for me to move back in and figure out how to make myself happy enough to stay in my marriage. Clint is safe. Clint is loyal. He would fight to make me happy.

Which is exactly why I had to move out. It's not fair for him to do that constantly and still have his wife struggle with feeling content. That's no way for a man to live... Always fighting and never feeling secure in his relationship. 

I can't do that to him anymore. We've fought for so many years to make this work and we've had a happy life together. It makes me sad to give up on all that. To give up on our dreams. Even now that brings tears to my eyes.

I'm so scared of what the future holds. I want to be brave. I want to be strong... But I'm scared. How do I do this alone? I have people in my life who love me, who are trying to support me, but even in all of that I still don't have a single person who understands the progression of how I got here. No one that is except for you.

It's days like this where I feel your absence again. Where my heart aches for the closeness of your friendship. Despite all I've been through, I still can't be mad at you for breaking down my walls and loving me like you did. I'll never have a love like that again... After all this I've learned that I just simply don't deserve it.