These days I feel rather lost...
You opened my eyes to an alternate reality that I never allowed myself to dream of. The enticing nature of this dreamworld hit me faster and harder than I realized. I'm aware now that I've wanted to be a part of that world for some time, and it took you to show me that.
It's not that I don't love my life or my marriage. I do...with all honesty! I wouldn't trade it for anything! If that wasn't the truth, then I wouldn't be in this situation.
My heart feels like it's ripping in two. How I feel for you and how I feel about him are completely unrelated...I know that now. I didn't fall for you because he wasn't enough or because there was something missing. I fell because I needed you. You drew me in so quickly and broke down all my walls.
To be honest, this is why I had to be done. Not because of the things you said out of anger or because of what happened or might've happened. It's because you scare me...you see through my facade and you don't give up. I don't trust myself with you anymore.
I told you a long time ago that if I fell there would be no going back for us. All I ever wanted was to be your friend. I didn't want these feelings of insatiable desire or the emotion that comes when I think of how much I'm losing when I push you out of my life.
I'm angry with you for this. I'm angry because I tried to warn you. I knew what would happen if you kept pushing. I was honest with you about that. But you did it anyways...you didn't respect the boundary, and now we're going to be destroyed because of it.
There is no us anymore. We can't just be friends. We can't have anything, because he knows you were special to me. He knows how dangerous you were, and he'll never be ok with us under any title.
I can't say that I blame him. I'd feel the same way if I was in his shoes. But he doesn't understand that this isn't about him or what he's not giving me. It's about me. Me being different. Needing more than any one person can give.
I know now that this desire has always been here, suppressed deep beneath the surface. But what do I do with this knowledge? How can I use this for good? No good can come of this....why did I need to know this about myself if I can do nothing to satisfy or change it?
I've always been different, but this is the kind of different that people don't talk about. I have something inside me that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A desire to see and do things completely separate from my marriage. I know I can't ever go down that road....it's not safe and it would destroy the one perfect thing I have in my life.
But this is the gift I'm left with. This knowledge that comes with no cure, no anecdote.
Why couldn't you just settle for friendship? Why couldn't you just have some of me and let that be enough? Why did you have to destroy what we had wishing for more?
I'm now left to suffer alone. No one to talk to because no one understands, and the one person that would I have to cut out of my life. So I breathe in and I breathe out and I take one day at a time praying that time helps me forget what I could've had in you. What I know I'll never have again.
Some day I'll stop this wandering....for now, my thoughts and my feet continue to work circles through my life...the never-ending list of What If's haunting me.
