Day Four 9/30 - Anger and confusion

My life may be in shambles but at least I still get to help other people be happy. I realized that tonight.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask Timothy to dance.

Nope... Didn't do it. BUT I had a really good night. For a few hours I forgot what was broken and was able to just focus on having fun. I REALLY needed that! 

I danced with quite a few guys that were beginners and they just were too afraid to ask anyone. They were in our group so I asked them instead and let them get some practice in. I'm not great but I can hold a beat now so hopefully it helped. 

I'm really getting to know all the staff there. The dance instructor, the DJ, and the bartenders all know me on a first name basis and I'm getting to know more of the regulars now. It's nice to feel welcome somewhere like that... Like I have a place and it's refreshing to go to. Somewhere I can really be me without issue or feeling judged.

You're an idiot you know that? I was literally willing to give you everything... Everything. Some ppl would kill for the kind of "obsessive" love I had to offer. And you just threw it away so quickly? Fuck you.

I'm not gonna keep making myself feel like I'm not enough just because your standards are too fucking high. I screwed up one time and you threw me to the curb? Seriously? After all the time we spent together and me trying to prove how much I was willing to fight for you... You just gave up? 

Your loss...

There's freedom in this today. Freedom that I don't have to try to prove anything. I don't have to guess what version of Max I'm gonna get that day. The last few weeks have been incredibly up and down with you and somehow I got blamed for all of it. Did it ever occur to you that you were the one driving me crazy? That you were the one making this complicated? You couldn't just be happy with what we had. You were constantly discontent and always pushing me to be different... Like it was wrong for me to want to be with you and love you. I don't have to live with that anymore. I can love you now on my own terms... Unashamedly. And that feels good. 

There's another part of this that is a positive. Although I have to lie about my grieving, I don't have to lie anymore about you being in my life. I was willing to do that and I did it well. I could live with it. But now I don't have to. You're in my past. We're over. No one ever has to know now.

I may have struggled figuring out what I was willing to compromise but who wouldn't. I'm married. Of course I'm gonna struggle with that. The one thing I never faltered on was that I loved you. 

I thought back to some of my past relationships and I realized that I'm not an obsessive person by nature. In fact usually it's the other side that's too clingy and I get tired of it. I realized that I only get obsessive when I really love someone but I'm insecure in how they feel. Even now I know you loved me and you said a lot of nice things but your actions were always pushing me away... Especially lately. No wonder I was freaking out and struggling so much. Oh but wait... Yeah I'm the crazy person for wanting to fight for it and work through it together. Yeah... Ok. 

We didn't have to be bad for each other. We could've had it great for a long time but you refused to work with me. You judged where I was. You had no faith in me to change and keep it that way. You made the decision all on your own what was best for both of us... Just like you always did. A relationship without communication is no relationship at all. 

I tried communicating and I was constantly told to stop worrying about things, to back off, to give you space. You communicate everything to Kelsey and that's why it works... But you somehow never wanted to extend the same courtesy to me. I guess I just wasn't worth the effort.

Apparently the anger phase has arrived. 

I'm ok with that because it's part of processing this. But I hope it doesn't last forever. I don't want to be mad at you or think about the ways you made mistakes against me. We both made mistakes. We both would do things differently if we could start over. But there's no chance of that cuz you are gone, given up on us forever. 

I had just started figuring things out. Just started really connecting the pieces on how to make this healthy. You couldn't even give me a week to show you? To process and figure out what I needed to do? You gave me a weekend that was filled with drama because of my choices so I tried to collect myself and show you Tuesday that I could do this and then you ended it. I never stood a chance with you did I? 

To be honest... I'm just sad it's over. I don't think it should be. Every relationship has its pros and cons but we could've worked thru it. We were working through it. Then you decided the cons list outweighed anything good we had. One day... That's all it took for you to decide we weren't worth it anymore. That I wasn't worth it.

I'm honestly just incredibly hurt. Incredibly hurt that you decided on your own that our relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. That I wasn't worth fighting for. 

It always comes down to that you know? No matter how angry I am at you or how sad I am that you're not here anymore. What haunts me the most is that I wasn't enough for you. 

I still check my phone a hundred times a day. I don't know why I still have hope. You've made it pretty clear you're done and after analyzing through your actions from the past couple weeks I can see it was a long time coming. But still....I hope. 

That hope will probably kill me to be honest. Cuz I'll never be able to fully let you go. I guess this is one of the draw backs of being a dreamer.... You always have hope that there will be a happy ending.

Last night was good for me. It helped me shake some of the emotion at least for a little while. Clint isn't as worried now so that's good. At least I'm able to keep up appearances despite how much this still hurts. I guess I'll just have to keep distracting myself. To fool everyone else you have to be willing to fool yourself a little bit too. 

I've got the windows open today. I love this kind of weather. It's peaceful and happy. It helps. 

Every day still feels so empty without you.

I'm convinced we were good for each other. It was our circumstances that drove us apart. I lost you and I had no control over the reasons why.

I've decided that anger is a good thing. When I'm angry with you I feel the most empowered to move on. The problem is that it doesn't last long... Mainly cuz I don't want it to. I never could stay mad at you no matter how crazy you made me. I loved you too much to let silly disagreements come between us. I still feel the same way. I refuse to let anger taint my memory of you. I don't care if it makes it harder for me. I refuse to let you go in the wrong way.

And with that the hole is back... Sadness creeps back in. 

I wonder what you're doing. How you're doing. Do you check in on me because you actually miss me or because you feel bad about causing me pain? Is there any regret in the decision you made? Or do you feel freedom in the choice you made... Because it's easier to walk away than stay and fight for something. I know... I've done this before. 

Do you hate me for not being enough? For giving you so much pain? Or do you just not care at all? Have you already shut it all out? I honestly wouldn't be surprised. You have quite the capacity for suppressing emotion... Especially when it makes logical sense to you.  That's what this has been about all along hasn't it? It makes no sense for us to be together. We would've been defying all odds if we would've made it work. But it wasn't practical or logical... It required thinking outside of reality. That was never really your forte... It was mine. At least I got to live in that dream world with you for a little bit. I just wish we could've had one last night together. Then again... It might've just made it harder. 

I wish I could say I believe you made the right choice. I wish I could say I think it's better this way. That everything will be fine and we'll both move on and forget. But the fire we lit will never die for me. It may grow dim but it'll never disappear. No... This was not the right choice. You gave up on our fire way too soon.

At the same time I don't know if I would give this a second chance. You're too good at lying to yourself about what you feel. I don't trust you to read your emotions correctly anymore. All this time you spent convincing me that you weren't gonna leave and in one day you realized you had been putting to yourself all along... And I'm the one that got the shaft for that. Call me crazy, unhinged, or whatever you want. I may express my emotions and feel deeply but at least I was always honest with you and myself about where I stood. I never would've left. It didn't take vows or a ring for me to decide that. I was committed to you 100% as much as I could be. In your mind commitment is unrealistic because people grow and change. I remember how much you struggled with that concept before the wedding. But... Commitment wears different faces. It doesn't look the same for everyone. I didn't have to be in traditional circumstances to be committed to loving you the best I could. I just did it.

I feel so hurt and betrayed... Did you ever really love me? How could you say it so often and spend so much time convincing me that you weren't gonna leave just to throw it all away? Was any of it true?

When we were together my life felt so complete... Like I finally had everything I'd ever wanted. Now...I walk around with this hole where you used to be. I guess I just have to get used to this feeling like there's always something missing. 

Tonight we're going to a birthday shindig at chicken and pickle... Should be a good distraction. I hope. 

I'm here. Present. In the flesh. I'm living life as usual. But I think everyone can tell I'm not really here. They don't know why or where my mind is. They just know the fire has gone out. You lit that flame this summer and everyone saw it. Now you're gone... And the flame with you.

Sometimes I wonder if it was all a lie...I try not to let myself stay on that train of thought for long because I want to trust you. But I still wonder if I was just this big challenge to you and once you hit your goal you no longer wanted to deal with my drama. You were done. I don't want to think these things... But you're not here anymore so there's not really any way for me to fight against it. 

Forget all the madness I said today... Just please come back.

I just checked snap chat... It's been almost 12 hours. And still nothing from you...

I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself. I was struggling and I didn't even know. Some guy at the bar asked me why I was sad. I talked to him for a lil bit then he found out I was married and he was confused so he left. Gosh this sucks... Can't even talk to a stranger. He was so concerned... Would've been fine if I didn't have my ring on. He said the sadness didn't look good on me. I didn't even know anyone was watching. I thought I was alone. 

You haven't checked snap chat all day... Are you forgetting about me already? It hasn't even been a week. I wish I wouldn't have checked....I fought back tears the whole way home. Jeremy even noticed and asked if I was ok...I lied. Clint tried to have sex with me tonight. I hugged him and said I can't. He doesn't understand why. 

I tried really hard tonight hun. I really did. And for a moment I was the life of the party just like everyone assumed I would be. But I couldn't shake you. You're not here anymore. The hole is still there. I don't know what to do. 

I miss you so much. I'm laying here on the couch thinking about you. About the conversations we used to have when I got home late. I miss you sweetie...I miss you so much.  

Day Three 9/29 - Denial

Every morning I wake up and for one slight second everything is ok. I'm still mesmerized by the dream I just had and my brain is still foggy trying to grasp reality. 

Then it hits me.... You're gone. 

I try to go back to sleep. Back to the dream I was having that made me drift into another universe where I don't have this pain. It's pointless. The pain is back and every second it reminds me that I don't live in a dream world. If I did... You'd still be here. Any dream... Even a bad one would be better than the nightmare of reality that I'm living in. 

I've never been a morning person but lately I wake up when Clint does. Can't get back to sleep so I just lay there thinking about you. I could invest stock in melatonin at this point...I wish it did more. 

My digestive system is in shambles right now. I tried to eat more yesterday, small portions at a time, but I can tell my body isn't getting enough. Every part of me aches and I've lost even more weight. I guess that's one way to reach your goal. 

I don't know why but I still can't get it through my head that you're really not coming back. I don't know if it's because you spent so much time telling me you'd never leave or if I'm just still in denial that you'll figure things out and change your mind. Either way this back and forth in my brain is going to drive me insane. The moments I don't believe you're gone are the ones where I actually feel normal. Then when it hits me again it's like I stop functioning completely. Maybe that's why I'm doing it... Subconsciously helping myself get through the day. 

I remember you telling me that you loved me almost as much if not as equally as you did Kelsey. That wasn't that long ago. Maybe that's another reason it's hard for me to believe you're gone. I know you don't say things you don't mean. You don't spare people's feelings that way. You're honest to a fault. But... Maybe you weren't being as honest with yourself and maybe that's the real problem. You weren't lying to me all this time. You were lying to you. 

Yay I'm definitely living in denial today. I vocally have to keep telling myself you're not coming back. My mind just doesn't want to believe it... It's shut it all out.

You know you and I aren't that different. We both bear pain on a daily basis. Yours physical, mine emotional. We're both used to carrying that load alone and hiding it from the people in our lives. The difference is that I found you... And I let you see my painful side. Now I have to learn to live with the fact that my pain was too much for you to bear so I have to go back to hiding. This is why I was so obsessive. Why I needed you in my life. But I can't be selfish anymore. You have your own pain to bear. You don't need mine too.

I need to be strong for you. I know you're struggling right now too. Hurting and fighting with what we've become. What we've lost. 

I'm still here love. I'm still fighting for you. It's just different now. 

That's the thing about the strength you've seen in me. It's strongest when I'm fighting for someone else. I don't really care about me or the consequences for my life. But I know I have to be strong enough to hide my pain for Clint and I have to be strong enough to make it through every day for you...I promised you I would keep fighting. I pull strength because the men I love need me to.

I don't want to go in to work. I just want to stay here with you. When I'm here I can be me like the me I was with you. When I step out of this car I have to put on the mask. 

Today hurts babe... It hurts really bad. 

I can't concentrate or focus on anything at work. Maybe they'll fire me then I can just leave and start over. You can have my job. You'd be good at it. Way easier than PA once you get adjusted.

I'm so glad we have cubicles here... Cuz if anyone could see my face, it would not be good. I'm sure they would read the pain that's hiding there. At least this way I have some privacy. I can fight back tears in my own time instead of forcing myself to bury the emotion because someone will see it. 

Babe this is so hard. I don't have anyone to talk to our comfort me. I'm just here... Pretending. So alone. I don't know if I'm gonna make it thru today. It hurts so much. I can't keep the tears back. They come so quickly despite what I do. I miss you so much. But you're gone. I can't pull from your strength anymore. I have nothing. I have no one. 

I feel so cold....

Clint just informed me that October is going to be really busy for him and he might be more stressed and unavailable than usual... Super. Let's just top this all off for me with that news. Of course my response was that it'll be ok and not to worry. Inside I'm thinking of how lonely the next month is going to be...I may need to rethink this no booze October idea. 

How much I'm struggling right now is exactly why you left isn't it? You couldn't be my rock anymore. I drained your strength from you. I wouldn't be surprised if you disconnect from me completely. I'm trying to be careful what I post on snap chat. I don't want it to be too painful for you... Because then you'll completely leave. 

I hope you're doing ok. You're so much stronger than me. This seemed so easy for you to decide so I know you have a peace about it even if it hurts. You cut out entire relationship off in under 30 minutes. I have bad news and you're not gonna like it...I knew then what it was. I knew you were done. But was it just me that wasn't gonna like it? I know the answer to that... But the way you said it seemed so nonchalant. Maybe you were just putting on a brave front or maybe you just wanted to get it over with...I don't know. I want expecting anything long and drawn out. I'm happy with how it ended. I guess I just miss you.

I almost feel like I just need to disappear for you. To just not be available at all... To vanish. So you really forget about me and just move on. I want you to be healthy again. I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain by putting my burdens on you. I know it was wrong but it felt so good not to carry them on my own for once. I needed that for a little while. Thank you for doing that for me but now it's time for you to take care of yourself. Let me do this for you... Let me disappear from your mind. Forget those moments with me... Let them fade. Release the pain I brought to your life.

Been a busy day on phones... That's good. I have no choice but to focus and do my job. Its getting me through this day.

Clint just asked me how I'm doing emotionally... If I'm any better than the beginning of the week. I lied.

I went to the park on my break again... It helps to be alone in nature. I walked in the creek, went on the swing.... Keeping my body in motion seems to help. 

They had BBQ for lunch today so that helped with the appetite. Still not as much as usual but it was something at least.

I'm just really pissed off right now at this whole situation and I don't know that I could even put it in words. I don't want to talk to ppl or be around anyone. I don't want to deal with customers. I don't want anything to do with you or this fucked up mess that I'm dealing with because of you. I never asked for this. I was perfectly fine coasting through life until you came along and shook things up. Once you love someone like I loved you a piece of your heart is always with them.... Never to come back to you. I'm so broken right now and it makes me so angry.

Crazy fidgeting commence....I can not sit here and think for the next 3 hours. I'm going to go crazy. Congratulations you no longer have to deal with this. You got out. Hurray for you. Now I get to live with this mess you left behind. The swirl of incessant, uncompromising, incoherent thought.... Suffocating any and all voice of reason. And somehow I have to push through and figure out how to focus so I can do my work and how I can go home and pretend that everything is all better now. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

This is a great attitude for me to be in to go out tonight... Pissed off and dangerous. Self destruct mode.

Saved by Maroon 5... Jared's suggestion. This is my jam... Good source of tunes to get all this fidgeting out.

Ugh except "She Will Be Loved". John used to play this for me to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to help me figure out my demons. That turned out to be a disastrous... Funny how almost 13 years later I'm dealing with the same shit. Guess I'll never learn my lesson... Don't trust anyone. They always lie. 

Hot, angry tears burn behind my eyes right now. Damn you for leaving me like this.

Enter "Unkiss Me".... Fuck... I'm screwed.

I really don't think I can do this. I don't think I can get through this. Why did you go? You left me so quickly. I don't understand? How am I supposed to just let this all fade away and act like it was nothing? 

I had to go to the bathroom to cry this time...I couldn't keep it in or suppress it like usual.

I think this may really be the end of me. What did I do to myself? Why did I let you in? Why did I trust you? I know it would end like this... They always leave. I thought you would be different. I should've known better. No one can handle me. No one.

Dug pretty deep into an integration issue this afternoon. It felt good to be learning something more technical and in depth. I even discovered a small widespread issue which is always fun. Here you get to create your own JIRA's and talk directly with engineering... It's way more efficient. So that has helped a little. 

I still was struggling tho when I was talking with one of the team leads. I was watching him investigate and this overpowering urge to cry came up. I fought it but gosh this is just not normal. I don't struggle like this... You really broke me hun. Not even gonna try to sugarcoat it...

Been really distracted this afternoon with widespread issue number 2... Good distraction but I would prefer a different method. 

My heart still hurts. I don't want to go tonight at all. I just want to sit at home and drink wine and watch sad movies and cry... But I already responded and told my friend I would go tonight. I guess I can try. Either way it's gonna suck so I might as well get more 2 step practice in. I did really well last week and I'm learning more who are the good dancers so that's helping too. 

There was only one time that I can remember in our relationship that I took a break and almost left... And I still came back. You took so many breaks and needed so much space periodically. I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I should've known you were eventually going to check out. In case you're wondering this is why breaks always sucked for me. Because it happened too often that you had to re-evaluate us...I never knew if that would be the last time you'd choose to stay or if it would finally be the time you choose to leave. I guess I finally found out. 

I'm just so devastated right now. I just don't understand. Why couldn't I be enough for you? 

Didn't even make it out of the work parking lot before breaking down. The flood gates opened...I cried the whole way home.

There really is no way for me to fix this one is there? 

The tears won't stop.... Why? Why did you leave? You left me all alone. This hurts so bad... Ugh...I could really use my Max right now. The one who was so tender when I was hurting. The one who held me tight and told me it would all be ok. I really need someone to tell me it's going to be ok right now...I don't think it is.

I had to lay on my living room floor when I got home. I was having trouble breathing again.  But I kept it under control this time. 

One week ago things were going so well... And I made one fatal mistake that ruined everything we had. This hole in my chest is my fault. This pain is my burden to bear now. 

I don't know if I can go tonight. I'm not gonna make it. There will be a song or something or someone... It's been 3 days since I've heard from you and 2 solid weeks since we had any sort of normal. I miss you so much. I don't understand why you think we're not good together. I wish I knew more but I guess I just have to live with what I have. 

These feelings of loss, rejection, and abandonment are closing in on me and I don't know what to do. I think I'm losing control.... Why did you stop loving me?

I can't do this anymore. No more writing. Thinking. Crying. I can't handle anymore right now. Emotions... Off.

Day Two 9/28 - Distraction

I gave you literally everything I had... Then you decided it was too much for you. That was the first thought I had when I woke up this morning.

Faded came up on Spotify... And I didn't even choose it this morning. Here come the tears sitting in traffic...

You checked snap chat... First thing in the morning. You woke up thinking about me too. That helps knowing you haven't completely shut me out. I know that time will eventually come but at least I have that to hold onto for now.

I think I loved you too much...

How dare you ignite this fire inside me... And then leave me to pick up the ashes.

Today it's all about distraction. I'm going to do my best not to think about this hole in my heart that you left me with.

I think I'm going to try to stop telling Clint as much when I'm hurting. If this continues he'll wonder what happened. I'm going to have to hide this from him a little better. Heal on my own time. Commence pretending mode... Good thing I'm pretty good at that already.

I don't want to forget you. I want to remember every detail forever. But sometimes I wish I had a button to push that would give you momentary amnesia. I wish I could do that to help with the pain until I have time to be alone and mourn you. 

Thank you for being kind and not taking the advice of your mentor and just blocking me. I know I may come off as a little unhinged especially after last weekend. But I appreciate you treating me with respect and recognizing that I'm not crazy and I'll respect your space in this. That honestly meant so much. I know Friday night I was crazy but it's only because I love you so much...I was willing to do anything to keep you. I know that doesn't make sense to most people but it does to me because that's just how I love when I truly let someone in. My only regret with that night is that you never acknowledged that you understood why I did it.

I'm still freezing. I texted Emily yesterday during my panic attack. I'd never had one before and I didn't know what to do. I was in the bathroom and I couldn't breathe. She walked me through it and helped me calm down. She told me that my body may take a couple days to recover and being cold was one of the side effects. My hands are literally shaking right now just thinking about what happened. It really freaked me out and I couldn't control it. 

People at work have been so sweet. They don't know what's going on. I just tell them it's personal but they keep checking. I have a couple friends that have also been checking on me. Jeremy gave me so many hugs last night when we were at the park. Its nice to feel all that love... But I also feel like I don't deserve it. For one thing if they had any idea the real reason I'm hurting they would be approaching this much differently. It wouldn't be as much care as it would be correction for the thoughts that led to this. Second thing...I just don't feel like a good person anymore. Even someone as strong as you couldn't handle the pain of being my friend. These ppl in my life are my friends because they don't see all the real darkness inside. I don't let them. It makes me wonder what would happen to my circle if they really knew.

I'm angry with you today I think. I know it helps but I don't want to be angry with you. 

I'm mad because the last few weeks of you being unhappy I gave you space and respected your wishes every step of the way except once. I'm mad because I worked so hard to do what you asked and not be as involved but nothing ever was good enough for you. I'm mad because even though we were in a relationship you refused to let me work through this with you. I thought I was a part of a team but if there's one thing last weekend showed me, I never really was. It was always you making the rules and me bending to reach them, especially the last couple months. I was fine making those compromises for you... So much so that it drove me crazy that it still wasn't good enough. I worked so hard to be and do what you needed and in the end I still lost. I lost the best friend that promised he was in this for the long haul. Things got a little tough and you bailed. You didn't understand me... You started just shutting me out and getting angry instead of trying to work through it. Say what you want to say but I felt this coming. You were changing and I felt it... You just couldn't admit it to yourself.

And even amidst all this... I'd still take you back in a heartbeat. Because I do think you ran away too soon. I think you got freaked out or "drama"ed out if you would rather that term. But I know you're not coming back. Maybe if it was up to just you but it's not. Kelsey doesn't want me in your life and you've gotten confirmation from someone who doesn't even know me that you need to shut me out of your life. I know you trust that person implicitly but they're view is still one sided. The truth is you were already thinking about leaving. You just needed someone to give you the push.... And I supplied the prime circumstances.

Obviously my opinions on this are one sided as well because I still don't really know what's been going thru your head the last couple weeks. So I could be totally wrong. I guess I'll never know...

I would love to go back to the beginning of August mixed in with a little more sex. That was our perfect month in my opinion. Very little drama aside from me figuring out if I could compromise but now I know the answer so that wouldn't be there. We had so much fun. We were in such a great place. I don't know how it all changed so fast. I thought we were both in the same place but I felt like you kept struggling with where we were... And I could never figure out what it was that you wanted or needed from me. And then I snapped and it was all over. I wish we could go back but I know you would say that's not realistic.

I know this isn't all my fault but I feel like it is. I know you said you made mistakes too but because of everything that happened the last couple weeks I just know it was more me than you and what kills me is that I tried so hard... And that's what truly makes me mad. I gave it everything I had and you still walked away from me. 

I know you would tell me there's no point in analyzing the past but this is just me. I have to analyze because I have to learn how I can do better. I know I made mistakes with us... So many things I would do differently. But I don't get a second chance and I will probably never let someone in like that again. 

I realize now I was in a no win situation. Just like you said... This is a big L. I was never going to be what you needed. I hope you felt loved enough in the fact that I tried and I wanted to be that for you.

And honestly as mad as it makes me I know you wanted it to be different. But you can't change who you are anymore than I can. We fell in love with the wrong people at the wrong time I guess. 

And with that the anger is gone and sadness creeps back in...

There's really nothing left for me to do other than accept that I wasn't good enough for you. You've already decided. It's done. 

I'm gonna let that sink in for a little while...I think feeling less than enough is probably better than just sad at this point. Loss has never been an emotion I can deal with but insufficiency is something I'm very familiar with. I might be able to cope with this emotion better.

Today is a little better. I think sleeping last night helped a lot. Also knowing that I'm not in limbo anymore helps. I know you're gone. I know it's final. No more space. No more breaks I have to wait thru until you decide if you want to stay. There's nothing else I can do. There's slight freedom in this. I'm trying to hold onto that to help carry me through today at least. I don't want to think about what I'll need to hold onto tomorrow. 

I think you're right. I was too obsessive. I just enjoyed you so much. I wanted to share life with you. I tried to do that but the natural barriers we had in our lives made it near impossible. Still I pushed. I'm sorry I did that to you. I recognize now that I just wanted to live a dream. And you're right... It was dangerous. But I finally know what you meant when you kept saying that. It wasn't dangerous because I would lose Clint. It was dangerous cuz I was losing you.

I've lost all desire to have sex. It hurts too much right now cuz that only makes me think of you. Thankfully my husband has the lowest sex drive ever produced in a man so I should be fine waiting a little while. He was trying to be sweet when he held me the other night. But some of the gestures he made with his hands rubbing my back, shoulders, and neck... They all made me think of you and how you held me that one night. I had to tell him to keep his hands still. Thankfully he just does it without thinking. He complies cuz he thinks it's just annoying me or something. He has no idea it's making me more sad.

Haven't listened to much music today... Trying to just get thru the day. I need a day of somewhat level emotions or my co-workers are going to start thinking I'm crazy. They'd be right but I'm trying to keep up the façade as long as possible. 

Tuesday was a good day. I was in a good mental state, focused on proving to you that I understood what needed to change and I could do it. I had no idea you were thinking of leaving me. I would've done things so differently had I known. It was my last day of freedom with you and no one told me. 

I wonder if you read my blog Monday night... If that's what really clinched it for you. Was it too much? I'd hoped that we could talk about it together. I really wanted your opinion. That was another reason I didn't talk much on Tuesday...I didn't want to have another heavy emotional day with you. I guess now I'll never know what you thought or what led to this and you making that final call. 

I tried swinging again today but it made me sick to my stomach. Guess I should try eating more.... But I'm not hungry. 

I think my brain got turned off today... My emotions are numb. I just sit and stare at the water rushing by me and wonder what you're doing.

Probably a good thing I'm numb today. It'll give Clint some peace of mind. And we're going to the Blue's game tonight with Jeremy. I don't want to spoil the fun. I have chats from 2-5 today so that should help keep me distracted long enough to get through the end of the day.

I'm sitting here staring at the water, sitting under my bridge, and all I can think is that you didn't want me anymore. Overnight it seems like I went from this person you were so comfortable with that you "couldn't feel closer" to someone you so easily tossed away.

Nope... Chat is not helping. In fact it's getting worse.

Didn't take me long to get the anger out and go right back to sadness. I was really hoping the anger phase would at least take me through to the weekend. It's a lot easier for me to be angry with you than sad.

And with sadness comes tears. Damn. This really sucks. 

I just picked up my phone to text you that I'm sad. Then I remembered...I can't. 

This is goodbye. No words have ever stung so much. They were so final. So concrete. You're gone. Never to come back to me. 

I really hope this is what you wanted... And that eventually you'll be better. I hope this helps like you think it will. If it doesn't I'm not sure what exactly I'm still doing here fighting to keep pushing forward for you. Even in my healing from this, you're my motivation. You have to get better and be healthier. Get over me. Or all this is for nothing. I never will... But you can. You have it in you. You've always been better at accepting reality than me. I'm the dreamer. 

My dream is that you heal and move on and be happy... And that you forget this pain I've caused you by loving you too much.

I just want to go somewhere far away from here and be alone. Maybe I'll take a trip to the grand canyon or something. Just sit and be away from this life.

You never told me about the Reggie thing or what the plans are for PA. I guess I could text Courtney. I'd rather get your read on everything though. I guess it doesn't really matter. I just hope things stay good or get better for you there.

Gosh I really miss you. Just miss talking to you. Scratch everything else. I miss my friend. This sucks balls... And not in a good way. I hate everything about this and how this went down. At least most of Friday was fun and uneventful. We had one last good day of "us"... That helps a little.

I keep having to remind myself that you're really gone. I've made it through your breaks before but I always knew there was a chance you were coming back. This one is different... You're really done. Gone for good. I don't think reality has hit me on this yet. God I hate to see what happens when it finally does.

And now the pain is back. I can literally feel the hole resurface. Well at least I had a decent morning. I needed it... Didn't get much work done yesterday.

I got dumped for loving too hard and too much...I guess there are worse things to be dumped for...

I know we wanted different things. You loved me but you didn't want another serious relationship. I never intended to push you there... It just kinda happened. So many things I would do differently.

I hope I left you with some good things. I know we are so different but I hope some of my perspectives on things were good for you to consider. I hope I gave you enough love. Enough to last you during those moments of pain and loneliness... Or late at night when you can't sleep. Think of me... Cuz I'm always loving you in that moment.

Driving are the moments I miss you the most. It's quiet except for my music...I can get lost in my emotion. No facade needed. I can finally be real in those few short minutes... Let it all go. Those are the times I fight back tears the most. 

Every fucking song... I'm Reminded of you. I'm doomed...I hate that I'm so musical because of moments like that. So many memories connected to songs. Guess I just won't be able to listen to much music for awhile. 

Going to the Blue's game tonight. I love hockey and I haven't been since college so I'm super pumped. Not to mention it's a welcome distraction. Helps me get the rest of the way through day 2 without you.... Which is definitely needed.

Well it was a pretty good distraction until after the first period. They showed a bunch of promos during the break and one of them was for the Transiberian Orchestra. I've always wanted to go so I asked Clint if we could do that for Christmas this year. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I get all giddy and all decked out for the holidays every year... Literally not a day of bad mood the whole season. And it suddenly hit me... I'm not gonna be able to share that with you now. I got really sad really quick. I was sitting in the middle of people cheering fighting back tears and suddenly all I wanted to do was to be home. 

My friend Alex invited me to come to Kanzaa on Friday night with her. I hesitated because now that place just reminds me of you. How we used to text and recently the fights we've had. I told her I would go tho. I have to push through it. I love dancing too much for me to stay away from that place. It'll be painful but hopefully I'll be ok. I'll try to fight through it. 

All I could think of during the end of the game was how much of a failure in. How I forced you to this. I ruined this for both of us. That kills me. 

Yeah... I'm not ok with this. Not even close.

 

Day One 9/27 - Suffocation

I came home last night, took off my shoes, and laid my head in Clint's lap and cried for a solid hour. He wrapped me in a blanket and held me. He doesn't know why. He just knows I'm sad and that I'm struggling to get through every day. He thinks it's depression but he has no idea it's so much worse... I'm suffering from a broken heart. He held me last night to try to help me sleep but I knew that was pointless. I eventually got up. Saved all your messages into an email then deleted most of them from my phone. I'm running the risk of Clint finding them but I need to see those words you wrote last night. I need to remember you didn't want to do this. That you had to and it's for the best. That's the only thing that will keep me moving through the motions of my day.

This morning I woke up with a pain in my chest... You're gone. I cried before I could even get out of bed and once again Clint held me not knowing the real reasons why. I chose this path, not him, but he's paying for it too.

I sat on the shower floor letting the hot water run over me while I hyperventilated. You're gone. There are no more second chances. 

I spent so much time fighting my fears and trying to trust you that you said you wouldn't leave and just when I was finally beginning to believe you... You left. 

Now I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to tell about my broken heart. It's just me. It took me well over a year to mourn my relationship with Joe and you've meant ten times more to me than he did. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Without you in my life I have no direction, no inner voice daily whispering that I'm strong and beautiful. I have nothing but this hole in my chest that I created with my own choices.

Relationships weren't designed to be stagnant. They were meant to grow. Unfortunately the growth of ours was also the death of it.

That's the problem with open relationships. If it's built on friendship and you add sex it will only destroy the both of you. It has to be only sex but what is sex without that connection? It's a catch 22. I'm finally able to admit you were right. I'm not able to handle it. I thought I could. I tried. I'm sorry I failed you.

My eyes fill with tears so randomly. I can't stop it from happening. I have this pain in my side that won't go away. I think the hole in my heart is punching holes in my body.

Standing in the Starbucks line... Fighting back tears.

Perfect... It's raining. I guess you leaving is coupled with the rush in of cooler weather. Seems fitting.

I know you think I'm strong but I don't think you raise how much I pull my strength from others. I can't do that with this. I can't talk to anyone about why I'm sad. How would I ever begin to explain that I fell in love with a man that's not my husband and my heart is breaking because I thought I had finally found my lifetime best friend in him? That I had a sexual relationship that I was ok hiding because I needed it that badly? That my world revolves around him for 5 months and now I don't know how to function knowing I'm never going to see his name pop up on my phone ever again? How I understand why he left but it doesn't make the abandonment any easier? 

I have no choice but to bear this alone. No choice.

Besides I can't risk Clint finding out or someone telling him. This is going to be my past... It doesn't have to be his. I don't want him having to deal with anymore of the after shock than he already is. Even in this protective state I feel more loneliness creep in.

I just sit and stare at my screen. I hear the buzzing of voices around me. People figuring things out, working with customers. It all becomes a tunnel of sound that I drown out and drift into my reverie of solitude. I can't listen to music because it will turn my emotion switch back on and I have to keep it off or I won't make it through the day. 

The memories flood back in waves. Like the day I was so depressed over Reggie yelling at me and you worked so hard to show me I was loved, to comfort me, and to state that you weren't gonna give up until you saw the smile back in what I was texting you. The time we sat late one night and texted back and forth just in emojis. It was all suggestive of course but it was priceless. The first time we really flirted suggestively simply using exercise as the platform. It was the first time you got me to admit how much you turned me on. The first night we stayed up until 3am taking. I texted you after 1 thinking you'd be asleep and you immediately texted back. I remember you being a little more risque with our conversation and warning me that I get a different version of you later at night and you hoped that was ok. It was one of the best conversations I remember having with you. Humor, sensitivity, and charm... You helped calm my mind that night and I slept better than I had in weeks.

Jared keeps sending me YouTube videos today. I was with some work ppl last night when you broke things off...I left really quickly after that. Didn't want to break down in front of them. He knows I'm really sad this morning so he's trying to cheer me up. It's sweet but unfortunately when he succeeds it makes me think of you and how you used to care enough about my emotions to help distract me from them. How you used to be that invested in making me smile.

I think this has finally pushed me over the edge. I think I'm going numb. My emotions were already so climaxed from the last couple weeks. You leaving has left them shot. I'm numb. Frozen. 

I can't catch my breath. I think I'm having a panic attack.

Half an hour later.... I'm breathing good enough to jump on a customer meeting. But I'm worried. If you knew you'd be worried too. I've never had this happen before. It's like I'm being consumed by emotion....I can't process it emotionally or mentally... And my physical body can't take it either. How am I going to survive this? It's not even been 24 hours without you.

You're completely gone. 

Disappeared 

Erased

Vanished 

I have no connection back to you aside from what I've saved. 

The void this leaves is suffocating me. I literally am struggling to move from one minute to the next. 

Exaggeration and dramatization have no place here. 

I'm being incredibly real. 

I functioned with you as the center of my universe for 5 months. 

You were my sun.

Now all I see is darkness.

Do you remember how you used to use acronyms and make me guess what they meant? I had forgotten until Jared just did the same thing. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes.

Went to the park on my break. Sat on a swing listening to Faded and cried for 40 minutes. 

I don't know if I can do this. I know it's for the best but I don't know if I can let you go. I don't know if I can live without you in my life. I'm really stumbling here... And Clint is really worried about me. He said today that he's never seen me like this and he doesn't know what to do.

I think the worst part of this is that I know it's my fault. Because I couldn't control my emotions and I got crazy. I hate that I left you with that perception of me... That I'm some manic depressive person all the time. That it would never get better so you had to let me go because you couldn't handle it anymore. I know I'm a lot to handle but I'm not that person all the time. I hate that you'll always have that image as your last impression of me.

Ten minutes or so of a brief reprieve from the pain... Distractions help. But then it all comes flooding right back. I can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw up when I do. Not really sure what to do about that.

I think the feeling that lingers the most and causes the most pain is that you said you wouldn't leave and you did... Because I was too much. I was bad for you. I caused you too much pain and drama. You have to force yourself to stop loving me now because of who I am. Because I'm too much.

I lost the one person I could always be real with. Now I have to go back to pretending.

You achieved your goals. You got me to drop my walls. You got me to stop thinking so much and loosen up. You got me to trust you, to fall on you. You got me to be my true self with you. I was free, comfortable, and safe... And then you left.

Ocean Wide by The Afters 

It's supposed to be a song that lovers sing after a fight or struggle to signify that they aren't giving up on each other. I can't sing it that way but somehow it still helps. I hear you singing it to me, telling me you know I'm hurting and that when though you can't be here in person for me, you're still rooting for me, pushing me to keep going. You always will want me to keep going, not to give up despite the pain. That's what I hear in this song. You are my inner voice... Always pushing me forward. Helping me find my strength.

They just sent out another email about getting referrals in for open positions. Tears dropped on that one.

Summer Again by The Afters

Grasping for what was... Wishing to go back even for a moment. Every once in awhile I get these glimpses of you. It's like I'm there again with you. It's so real. I can see your eyes looking at me so intently. Your mischievous smile taunting me. Your hands always searching for mine... Playing with my fingers. Your arms pulling me closer... Hearing you whisper in my ear how much you love feeling my skin on yours. Your hands soft on my neck teaching their way down my shoulder and hearing you say how beautiful I am as I close my eyes and smile completely content in your arms. You kiss my forehead firmly... Helping me know how precious I am to you in that moment. You laid your head on my chest when I said my heart was beating so fast because I was nervous about being intimate with you. You knelt down and held me then started kissing me gently, tenderly. The look on your face when you laid me down on the bed and started removing my pants. They were cautious, waiting for a sign that I needed you to stop. I didn't...I needed you to keep going and you did. I'm so thankful I got to share those moments with you.

I want to hear from you yet I almost don't. This hurts so much...I don't want you to see this.

Every time I think about you leaving I get sick to my stomach. You're actually gone.

You said we were a couple. That I was on the list and worth considering. I trusted you. I let my guard down and let you in. You promised you could handle it. That you weren't leaving.

But...I know now. You made promises you were never free to make. You did it because I needed it at the time. You loved me enough to try to keep them but I can't ask you to sacrifice yourself anymore.

I've never felt loss this deep before...I don't know if I'll survive this grieving process. I've never been good at it and this is the worst yet. How am I supposed to move on from you?

I walked tonight... For a long time. Trying to wear myself out so I actually eat and sleep tonight. I can't stop myself from checking my phone. I know you said goodbye for good... But it seems so unreal still. That we're really done. Over. No more... Anything.

I don't think I can write anymore today or think about this. My emotions are exhausted... Which is a good thing because I'm exhausted. I hope you read this some day and know just how much I loved you. How much it hurts me to let you go but I'm doing it because it's what is best for you. I hope you know I never would've given up fighting for you. You are the love that will always be prominent in my mind... Because baby we had it so good for a little while. So good.