The thought is nice...
Someone loving you unconditionally forever. Treating you with respect. Trying to win your heart with every passing year. Someone who is the first to see the good in you before everyone else. Someone who knows you better than you know yourself.
False. Untrue. A lie. It's impossible to do the things listed above. I don't care how many Facebook posts of couples in their 90's you see, this is simply not possible. There is pain, anguish, betrayal...every marriage has it. It just manifests itself in different ways. No matter what they tell you, it's a lie. You can put up as many barriers as you want. Protect yourself, pursue each other. But there is NO WAY you can possible know how that person is going to change, how you're going to change, know what life's going to throw at you, and prepare yourselves for it. You can never know that the person you're marrying is actually going to be the person you die loving.
I wanted it to be him. I always wanted it to be him. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or do the right things. Maybe I was too real, too honest. He always said that I was too negative and too harsh...but that's me, to the core. I feel deeply and no one can meet me on this level except the Devil himself.
I thought I found the one person that could bring out the best in me. That would always try to see through the cynicism and negativity, and see a heart that was just hurting and trying to understand the world around her. I see now that I inadvertently deceived him. He was that person, but I ruined him...just like I ruin everyone. No one wants to be around me. No one truly loves me because no one has dug through the trenches with me. I'm alone...always have been, always will.
I hate that I feel this way. I don't want pity for myself. I deserve this shattering of hope. I am the devil incarnate. I believe in Jesus but I'm a wicked person. I shouldn't have ever gotten married. I don't deserve that kind of perseverance from anyone...especially someone who tries so hard. All I want is to be known and understood. He tries. God, I know he tries. But he fails so often. He buys me things and takes me to nice dinners, but all the while I feel so disconnected. It makes me sad when he tells me I have an eyelash on my face. Why? Because that shows that he's not comfortable removing it himself.
I want to be touched. I want to be desired, loved. Wanted for my mind and my body. I want to feel sexy. I don't remember what that feels like...to have someone show me with his entire being that he wants me and only me. The loss of that feeling overwhelms me. I don't even attempt physical intimacy anymore because I know it's not real. There is no desire present between us. Just 2 people, living in the same house, breathing the same air, wanting the same things...unable to achieve anything.
I wish things were different. We try...but nothing changes. The arguments, the anger, the hurt...it gets worse as time passes. When will this ever stop? Why does it have to be like this? What's the point? If this ends, I'm never getting married again. I'm convinced that no matter how hard you try, sometimes you're just not meant to make it work. It will end in heartbreak...it's just a matter of how and when. I wish I could end mine now. I wish I was bold enough to do that on my own...but I'm not. Some day, maybe. I can't imagine how it will get any better from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment