Blame or Blessing

These past 6 months I've wrestled with so many emotions : fear, depression, hope, disappointment, and anger. The object of these emotions cycles from God, to my husband, but mostly lands on myself. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I was happy not moving on to that step in my life because we had so many adventures and freedom. But eventually the adventures became reminders that there was a void needing to be filled, and the freedom became my own personal Hell.

I could sit and blame my husband for waiting 6 years before he was finally ready to take that leap of faith, because if he was truly honest with himself, he would admit that faith was the cause of not pursuing this step in our lives. We don't have the money. You're not done with school. What if you have to quit your job? How much do diapers cost these days anyhow? I can't tell you how many times we had that conversation. Inevitably the result was always to wait. I agreed because I wanted Kids to be something he wanted to, not something I forced on him, but each time I died a little inside. Now here we are...trying unsuccessfully for a year. I can't blame him. Even with the lack of intimacy and sexual encounters, I know he has no control over this.

So then the blame bounces between God and myself. I Know He is in control, and I Know he could bless me at any time...yet He chooses not to. Then the why comes into play, and, friends, whenever you wander into trying to understand the mind of God, things get twisted. The questions You ask about life, yourself, and your past leave you feeling empty and discouraged. We Know God is not vengeful in holding back blessings from His people, but there are always consequences to your actions. I've strayed so many times. I've hurt so many people on the path to self-discovery.

Currently, I wrestle every day with the awful person I've become and that I don't deserve the relationships in my life. Maybe God has that perspective too. Maybe He sees me as the emotionally-unbalanced, manically depressed person that I am. Maybe He's punishing me. Maybe He sees me as unfit and unworthy to unselfishly love another human being.

I Know God loves me. I Know He always has a plan and a purpose. Is it possible that He sees more strength in me than I see in myself? That He Knows who He's built, and He Knows that this won't Knock me down? I don't have that faith in myself night now. I can see it in my husband's eyes that he's lost that faith in me too. All my friends seem to turn their backs on me. I'm difficult, angry, unpleasant to be around... I'm hard to handle. This might be the true cause of my despair. The moments when I'm crushed under the weight of who I am, no one is left to hold my arms up. Maybe I was always meant to be a hermit. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. I guess only God knows the answers...

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