Lots of thoughts... no answers

I've had a little bit of time to myself this week to re-focus and try to clear my head. It's helped... at least in some areas. I'm dedicated to trying to pull myself out of this emotional funk. It's been such a tough year, but I don't want to live my life in the shadows anymore. I'm working on me again, and my relationships. Baby steps for sure, but they're steps!

Then I go to church this week, not out of desire or obligation, but because I Know I need to. Usually worship is my favorite part of the service, but not today. I hear phrases about how God has the power and we need to surrender everything. I usually take comfort in them but in light of my current situation, it makes me laugh. Scoff really.

Does God have the power to change my circumstances? Of course he does! But that doesn't mean He's going to. And these songs about surrendering everything are a joke. They're created by people who have some ill-conceived concept that God needs our permission to do with our lives whatever He wants. He already has control. Singing these songs just makes You feel like a good Christian because you're voluntarily sacrificing something for "the cause". God is pleased by those words but He doesn't need them.

I think part of the reason I struggle so much right now is because I Know my life is His. I Know He can and will do what is best for His plans, not mine. I Know also that making us happy and comfortable Are not his primary goals. He loves us, but it's not the Kind of love we're used to. It's not just a doting love, it's also a just love. One filled with hurt and disappointment. God doesn't live to please us. We were created to please Him with every ounce of our being.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking, "Oh good, she's speaking truth to herself. She's not doubting God or her faith." And that's true.

But let me tell you something...

These truths bring no comfort.

All I feel is deep despair, confusion, and frustration. But I believe God is who He says He is. One point for fundamental Christianity, Zero for me.

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