How Your Advice Doesn't Help

If you have the privilege of knowing someone who has been unsuccessful in trying to get pregnant, AND she actually entrusts you with that information, here are some of the ways you can unintentionally hurt her.

1) Make her feel stupid by reiterating the process of making a baby including insights about a woman's cycle, all the nutritional/supplement  tips, and different sex positions that are supposed to "make it happen".

2) Make her feel like a science project by talking through all the different tests she should have her doctor run just to make sure everything is functioning the way it should to make a baby...as if the doctors don't already know how to do this.

3) Invalidate her feelings by talking about your friend of a friend that went thru the same thing, making it seem like because of that story you magically understand every phase of emotion she's gone through. Newsflash: You don't. Every woman deals with infertility differently. Don't assume you know what she's feeling.

4)Make her feel broken by making comments about reducing stress or to just stop thinking about it, because everyone has a switch where they can just turn off emotions, right? So until you're able to control your life and /or emotions you're not going to be able to get pregnant.

5) Make her feel like her desires and plans are wrong by commenting on how young she still is, how she has plenty of time, and she should just be happy with where God has her. You completely negate the idea that God is the one who gave her this desire to begin with, and maybe it's in His plan for her to wait for a little while.

6) Make her feel like she's alone and forgotten by choosing not to pursue her. Don't follow up with her and ask how's she's doing. Don't let her know that you've noticed she hasn't been herself lately, and you realize it has nothing to do with you, but it's just another sign of how much she's hurting and needs her friends to pursue her more than ever. Wait for her to feel it's ok to come to you and ask for help. Because everyone knows that when we're deeply hurting, we can act perfectly normal and sharing is the easiest thing to do.

7) Make her feel like it's her fault. Now I will be the first to admit that this is easily self-inflicted HOWEVER our society doesn't make it easy to move past this phase either. All the talk about what the woman should do or shouldn't have done...because the problem never lies with the man's side of things. (That's always the last suggestion.) Christian society's focus and attention solely on women getting married and having children as their only purpose and goal in life. Shying away from the subject because it falls in the "taboo"column of conversation. Women don't need help putting pressure on themselves or feeling like they don't measure up, but the way we respond to child-less women makes it even harder for them to find joy where they're at.

You maybe reading this and think, well, good grief! What can I do to help?! Whether you've already made the mistakes above or not, it's never too late to start fresh with someone. I guarantee that she doesn't hold you personally responsible for not knowing the perfect response. She is very aware that this kind of issue isn't talked about enough for people to know what she needs. So here are some key points to help you love her through this time.

1) Show her that you care by pursuing her in a way that meets her love language, not yours.

2) Let her know it's ok for her to be where's she's at emotionally. Right now she feels, ugly, broken, and unwanted. She needs to know that people love her, even when she's a mess.

3) Let her talk. You listen. Hold her when she cries. Don't feel like you have to fix it. She knows you can't.

4) Realize that her days might be darker than she's letting everyone think, and that she's not going to admit that she feels like she has to do this alone, but she would rather not.

5) Let her do battle with God. He's got her and He's not letting go, even if she can't see that. Let her have her questions, doubts, and fears. She hasn't lost her faith; she's on her way to finding a deeper one.

6) Pray for her consistently and let her know that.

7) Give her times to forget about everything that's heavy, and just have fun!

8) Be sensitive that all talk of being pregnant, babies being cuddled, and generally anything that falls in that category WILL remind her of her battle and may make her emotional, despite her best efforts. She may make it all the way through the baby shower with no sign of struggle, then fight back tears the entire ride home. This doesn't mean she wants or expects you to hide things from her. She wants to be a part of new baby joy. She just wants and needs you to be aware, and make it known that you've got her back and it's OK if she can't handle it.

9) Don't forget that this isn't about you. She may be withdrawn, irritable, depressed, and at times angry with the world and everything around her. Don't take offense. Know your friend, remind yourself of the truth about her, and recognize that she has too many emotions to process. She doesn't want to be this way, but pulling herself out of a seemingly bottomless pit takes more energy than she can gather. Don't try to pull her out of it; sit in the pit with her until she has the strength to get up on her own.