Calling it by Name

There are so many phases and faces to it. Movement through anger to confusion to discouragement and despair to bitterness and loathing life itself. The innumerable questions about life, God, and who you are...who you are meant to be, what needs to change, how can I do better. The intentionality of trying to survive every day in this emotional tornado is exhausting. It takes a long time to reach the point where you can label it, but until you do, you can't truly begin to overcome it.

Depression

Seeing things through a perspective so dark that it scares you to your very core. Reaching and begging for help while pushing away everyone you love all in one smooth motion. Feeling that loneliness is both your prison and your salvation...your escape, your comfort zone. It's the only place you don't have to explain yourself or try to make someone understand. It's the only place where you feel safe to feel whatever it is that your soul is feeling that day...whatever thoughts you can't contain any longer. The only place where you can fight with God about the why's and purposes of this degradation.

Being alone can be different than being lonely...if you do it right. This past month I've been focused and concentrated on time with myself. Time away from all the voices and pressures and responsibilities that suck the emotional energy away from me...away from the things that leave me too dried up to fight this battle. This time can be beneficial only if you treat it with reverence and respect...and dare I say, fear.

Time alone when you're battling depression and dark thoughts on a consistent basis can be detrimental to recovery. It's not just about escaping, it's about breathing life back into your soul. Finding things that you enjoy, that fill your emotional tank, that allow your head to feel above water for the first time in months. Those are the things you focus on when you choose to be alone. That is the concept and concentrated method that makes this different from just being lonely during alone time. These are the things that allow you to pull yourself out of the sludge that is depression. They give you a glimmer of hope...and sometimes that's all you need to give you that push to start crawling again.

I've learned some things about depression the last few weeks that I'd like to share. I don't want to forget these lessons, because these are the lessons that have given me the freedom to start breathing again.

1. It's ok to go through a time of depression. There's no reason for shame or guilt. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, and you don't want it. You don't have to justify it to people, and people don't have to understand in order for it to be a legitimate thing that you're going through.

2. Just because you're destined to battle depression doesn't mean depression has to win. Do what it takes to get back up. Sometimes you need to repent. Sometimes you need to pray. Sometimes you need to listen. Do what it takes...don't let it beat you.

3. Asking God questions and fighting with Him about the purposes of life are not sins. We can see that emanate throughout the story of Job. Job yelled at God and fought with God about why these things were happening to him after being such a faithful servant. BUT...here's the key, we remain reverent and faithful to God through all of this. We don't disown him during our time of inquiry. You'll know you're doing it right, because you will eventually come back to a spirit of surrender.

4. Alone time is ok. Living life with other people is not always the answer. But don't immediately run to being alone, and don't justify running away from people who try to help you. Running is never the answer. Planned time away from the sorrows and temptations in your life could be...if it's done right.

5. God is still here, even when you can't feel Him. Your friends are still loving you, even if they can't love you the way that you need them to. You are never alone in your battle. Even when you can't see anyone's hand to hold, there's always one there functioning as a life raft.

6. My last point may be the most revolutionary: Darkness can be good for you. It can provide a period of solidarity where you can be introspective. You can see through yourself. You can see yourself through God's eyes. Darkness, and the consequent loneliness, provides a straight line to Heaven. You learn to communicate with Jesus on a new level, one that doesn't require formal prayer time or pouring over Scriptures. This form of communication opens the deepest, darkest places of your soul to Jesus, and gives him the ability to finally breath life through the darkness. Darkness gives you a new perspective on life and people and hurt and pain...and how to deal with it all. Darkness can be revolutionary...once you're on the other side of it.

I wrote the following last week about how God uses depression. It was a moment of pure inspiration and encouragement during a night of restless sleep while battling the onslaught of emotions. I hope that some day these lessons in my life will bring peace to others who have battled as I have.


"'When I read David's poetry, the word bipolar comes to mind. One minute he's on top of the world, and the next he's in the depths of despair-sometimes in the same Psalm!

Do you know what God called David? A man after his own heart. 

God allowed a flawed, emotional train wreck to lead Israel-his chosen people. But not only that, he took David's raw, brutally honest lyrics-gushing with fear, anxiety, doubt, depression, and questions about God's faithfulness-and made them part of the inspired scriptures. 

God is not shocked by your emotions. No matter how messed up your soul may be, God is right there with you, listening.' ~John Mark Comer

God doesn't wait until we get our act together to use us. He uses us in spite of ourselves....imperfect, broken people are exactly the type of heroes littered throughout the Bible as God's chosen ones. Where we developed this idea as a Christian culture that God needs us to be perfect all the time and deny our emotions, is beyond me. Nowhere in the Bible do you see Jesus or his messengers denying their emotions. They're humans who choose to trust and have faith, despite the feelings whirling inside of them. 

For someone like me, who struggles with the emotional ups and downs, this brings me great comfort. I don't have to pretend everything is ok. I don't have to put on a facade. I don't have to know why I feel sad. I don't have to feel guilty because I can't "just get over it". I can struggle and still have faith, because I know my struggle isn't a lack of faith. I can just be me...imperfect, broken me. God never left, and he can still use me. Now that is the definition of true Christianity."