From the Ashes - 4/24

I've been thinking about this for awhile... Trying to find the right words to fully express what I want to say. I don't know that there will ever be the right words to capture what I feel.

There's been so much division and conflict within me because of you. Because you contradicted everything you ever told me. You were the one. The only one to dig and peel back the layers with meticulous patience and you did it... You finally got me to fully trust you. To rely on you. Depend on you emotionally like I've never allowed myself before. 

Everyone I've ever allowed in to see the real heartbeats of who I am has always left or ended up rejecting what they saw. Every time. 

You were supposed to be different. You promised you would be.

I still don't know if you ever really meant it or if you just wanted to believe you could stay. I guess I'll never really know whether it was genuine or not... Which may haunt me but mostly I hope the answer to that question haunts you.

I risked everything because I loved you too much. Because I trusted you. Because you promised and you knew how important promises are to me...I guess it didn't mean the same thing to you.

I made my own choices and I take full responsibility for that but you played a part in this. I've lost everything because of you. My life will never be the same. I've lost my husband. My dreams for a family that were so close to coming true. I've lost friends and a community of people I thought would also always be there. They've disappointed me too.

I've learned to keep my circle small but most importantly to keep my heart sheltered. I give... But I don't really let people in that deeply anymore. The process of healing from that kind of abandonment almost destroyed me once... I'm not sure I could bear it again.

You've held power over me even to this day. Emotional triggers still exist. They still knock me over like a tsunami. Just when I think I'm standing strong...I fall so hard all over again. 

What you did has too much of a hold even now. The fears and anxieties that I had... The ones you helped me discover about myself. The deepest, most buried scars... Those are the ones you abused all over again when you left me the way you did. 

I know you had your reasons. You had to put yourself first. And I was too much for you to handle. 

The truth is I thought this would never end. I gave you all I had... And you took it... And ran away.

I will never be the same because of you, but I've determined that this won't be a tragedy anymore. I am different. Changed. Stronger. I have risen from the ashes of the fire you left burning inside. 

I won't go back. I will keep moving forward. Pushing myself never to settle. To never underestimate what I can do. To live outside the box of expectation. 

The one good thing you did for me is to show me how strong I can be... Alone. 

So thank you for walking away. For breaking my heart. For leaving me in pieces fighting to stand on my own without you every day while you stood silently by just watching like a disinterested spectator. I hope the show has been entertaining. That it gave you the rise you were hoping for. 

How you've been able to watch my life unravel without ever coming back to even tell me that you're sorry. To offer any type of support. To be any type of friend to me during the hardest time of my life. How you can live with yourself is beyond me. I don't understand it. 

The lack of love you've displayed through all this makes this harder to be honest. The closure I'll never have. The words I'll never get to say openly to you. The fact that I'll never get to look you in the eyes so you can see what you've done. 

But... It's time for me to stop haunting myself with these unfulfilled chasms of dreams. It's time for me to truly stand and close this chapter. 

Knowing you never fully cared the way I did for you. Accepting that I gave up everything for a boy who didn't know his own mind. Who took advantage of a girl who just wanted to be loved. Admitting that you destroyed a big piece of my heart and that it will take something or someone incredibly special to rebuild the damage you've done. These are the things I pull close to me on those dark nights. 

I wish I didn't but I do hope you're haunted by the damage you've done by your wreckless selfishness. I hope you break sometimes thinking of me. Knowing how much I loved you and how much you didn't deserve it. How you didn't ever really deserve me.. Because the truth is I wasn't too much for you. You weren't enough for me.