Glimmers of Hope - 12/20

Smiles, laughter, hugs, showing affection, listening to someone share about their problems, texting positive thoughts to a struggling friend, filling my time with healthy habits and positive people.... All things I'm doing right now. 

These things I do on the outside in the hopes that the saying "fake it till you make it" some day comes true.

Most people don't know what I'm going through... And even the ones that do don't realize how much pain I'm in on a daily basis. I've fooled everyone... Even myself. 

I don't have much hope right now. I just keep doing the things that i think will some day bring a light back into my life. 

I try not to think about the future, or the past. Both are accompanied with sadness. 

Instead I focus on today. What is today going to bring? What will it look like? What do I have planned that will keep my heavy heart from collapsing and the sadness in my chest from choking me out?

It's not that I don't enjoy being single. It actually suits me quite well. It's the regret that kills me most days. That's what I have to learn to cope with and work through if I'm ever going to have hope in my future.

It's evenings like this that I'm reminded that I can do this. Peacefully sitting listening to Bing Crosby, all my Christmas lights on, sweet smelling scents from my holiday candles, and a cozy cup of tea, wearing my comfy socks.... It's the little things like this that remind me how to be happy just being me.

I know the holidays bring their own set of nostalgic feelings, and years I can't go home for Christmas is even worse. Thinking about this being the last Christmas that Clint and I spend together just tops it off. But.... This isn't the end of the world. I need to remember to enjoy the small moments in my life, the special people in my life, and the opportunities to love just being me again. 

This coming year that's what my goals are going to be. Relationships may come and go but in the end all you have is yourself. If you can't love who you are first how can you expect anyone else to. 

I want to love me again. To enjoy using the gifts I've been given. To spend time discovering things that interest me. To travel and explore new places. This year is not a year of sadness and loss. It's a year for me. That doesn't mean I forget about other people. I've already learned in this short time that a big part of who I am is loving other people... Even if I don't get the same love in return. I'm strong enough to handle that when most aren't. This world needs more people in it who are willing to love relentlessly.

I want to be happy but most of all I want to find how to love being who I am. These are the things that bring me that glimmer of hope...I have to hold on to that.