Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day. Having Clint inadvertently pressure me to make a decision while at the same time finally admitting to me that he's not sure he even wants to try to make it work with me anymore.
Oh the things I've destroyed with my lack of contentment. Sure I have freedom, ample attention from men, great sex available to me at any time... But at what cost?
What do I want really?
I want someone to love me for who I am. I want it to last forever. I want to have babies together and grow old with that someone. I want chemistry and passion and affection. I want someone to adore me.
Clint bent over backwards to please me... But I almost wonder if he ever really loved me like that or if he loved me out of duty... Because he needed to. He struggles so much with doing what he wants if it goes against duty and what other people think is acceptable. I know how hard it is to move away from that mindset... Despite how I'm living, I still struggle with that too.
So what am I giving up? A potentially loveless marriage where we fulfill each other's needs out of duty for the rest of my life. He's a good man... And I've found how rare it is to find those. But it's not fair to him for me to stay just because I'm afraid of never finding that again.
I don't know that I'll ever find someone who will really love me. I'm difficult enough as it is but then you throw all this complicated drama on top of it... What man would ever risk their happiness on that? Who would ever think I'm actually worth fighting for after everything I've done?
I feel like a lost cause. Like I've lost everything I was working towards and I'll never really be happy now. Somehow I need to learn to accept my current circumstances and learn to make the most of them.
Maybe I'll just be one of those people who live to make other ppl happy. I have the capacity to love and help people. Maybe I just need to channel that and find opportunities to use it. I enjoy helping ppl... It makes me feel like I'm doing something good with my life. Redeeming myself for past mistakes.
Do you ever just feel completely disgusted with yourself? Like what's the point of my being here anymore? I do no one any good... Just cause pain and grief for ppl I love the most. No matter how hard I try... Nothing is ever good enough. And I've now made mistakes that will always define me. Very few people would understand the circumstances leading to my betrayal and really should they?
What I've done is unacceptable to pretty much everyone...Regardless of the reasons. I don't deserve redemption, happiness, or understanding from anyone. I deserve what I've been given. Loneliness, regret, an empty feeling that never seems to go away despite who I try to help or how many distractions I put into my day.
Today is a day that I see the value in abandoning everything and everyone and going some place new... Starting over completely.
I officially hate my life. I hated it before. I hate it now. I unsatisfied with life and no person will ever be able to change that for me. It's up to me to make my life something worth living. To find some semblance of happiness amidst all this pain and heartache.
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