Christmas was ok... Calm, uneventful. I think I ended up watching a total of 6 Christmas movies in 2 days because I was glued to the couch not feeling well. Gosh I'm so tired of being sick. This winter has been the worst for that.
Even now I'm awake because I can't stop coughing so I figured I might as well write.
I've been at the house for a couple days. Clint and I wanted to spend the holiday weekend together and it's been really nice. He still keeps his distance physically but other than that things are pretty much the same. Considering we didn't have a lot there physically to begin with it pretty much feels like normal.
I still don't know what the right move is. I've learned in my brief time being single that most of the men out there are emotionally immature little men wanna be's that wouldn't know how to take care of a real woman emotionally or physically if their lives depended on it... Yes, I'm learning very quickly.
Despite these lessons though, I've managed not to get too invested emotionally myself. Yes it's painful when something doesn't work the way I thought it was going too but I've learned how to move on quickly. I even have a routine down now for shutting people out of my private space and keeping them at arm's length just as an acquaintance. Overall it's been working quite well.
That being said, I really am not pursuing any more "lessons" in the near future. I've had my fill for awhile. I've had my sexual escapades as one would call it. Now it's time for me to remove all distraction and get down to business.
Clint and I have both agreed to go to counseling separately after the holidays are over. We're hoping that provides a little more clarity for both of us moving into the spring to know what we both want separately and together.
I know I love him... There's never been a question about that. But is the type of love I have for him enough to overcome the lacking chemistry that I constantly feel? Can someone with my type of sex drive be satisfied with just one man... One that isn't even close to the same sex drive as I am? If I decide that I want to stay and work it out, is it even possible to get through our past? Will Clint even decide he wants to take that journey with me?
These questions constantly in the back of my mind. It's like a never-ending chain of irrational links circling about me, trapping me inside my own mind. All I look for is that one key that will unlock the answer and set me free.
I don't think I really care one way or another at this point. I just want an answer. A solid answer that I won't grow to regret the rest of my life.
I don't know if that's realistically possible but finding it is the only thing that's giving me hope for a future right now.
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