Being a Disappointment - 12/10

I feel lonely, empty... Ashamed and full of regret. A complete disappointment to everyone in my life. A waste of space and effort. 

Sure I've been struggling to be content with my life for awhile and falling for you was the catalyst that brought that struggle to the surface. I know that now. 

But God I still wish I could take it all back. I wish I didn't know what I know about myself now. I wish I could put my head back in the sand. To keep pretending that the box I was living in was enough to satisfy me.

I can't erase the past 6 months from my life. I can't unhurt my friends, my family, my husband. I can't unlearn what's it's like to really love someone, to have that kind of connection and chemistry. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe it was just supposed to be for a little while, to help open my eyes... It doesn't matter what the reason was for me falling for you. What I know is that falling for you has destroyed everything I've known to be true in my life. 

I'm lost. I'm damaged. I don't know where to go. I'm starting over. Completely fresh. Remaking myself from the ground up. None of that daunts me. I am Independent. I am brave. I can do this. 

Unfortunately, most people don't understand... Or agree. I'm disappointing people. Letting them down with my choices. 

I took this time to find out who I am and where I stand. I needed to do this to know for sure what the next steps are in my life. Clint knows this. He doesn't agree with my choices but he supports my time away. But I'm still hurting him. He's still waiting on me... Stuck in limbo with his own life. Not knowing what to do or where to go. He won't have sex with me. He's pulled away more emotionally to protect himself during this separation time. I feel him slipping away.... And it hurts. It hurts because I know I did this. I never should've gotten married to him. I should've set him free years ago and now... There's so much pain and heartache in our journey to figure things out. 

I don't know how to do this. I feel so stuck. I need time to figure things out but I don't want to string Clint along either especially knowing how much he disagrees with my lifestyle. It's not fair to him. I thought he was taking this time to decide for himself if this is what he wanted but today he told me he's waiting on me.

He's waiting on me... Everyone is waiting on me to decide. Everything is on hold until I know what the next step is. Just when I was finally feeling free and feeling more like myself than I had in years... It all comes crashing in again. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't take time to figure this out. I want what's best for him. I just don't know what that is.

People look at the decisions I'm making and immediately assume I'm being selfish. I don't think they realize that it would be a far more selfish choice for me to move back in and figure out how to make myself happy enough to stay in my marriage. Clint is safe. Clint is loyal. He would fight to make me happy.

Which is exactly why I had to move out. It's not fair for him to do that constantly and still have his wife struggle with feeling content. That's no way for a man to live... Always fighting and never feeling secure in his relationship. 

I can't do that to him anymore. We've fought for so many years to make this work and we've had a happy life together. It makes me sad to give up on all that. To give up on our dreams. Even now that brings tears to my eyes.

I'm so scared of what the future holds. I want to be brave. I want to be strong... But I'm scared. How do I do this alone? I have people in my life who love me, who are trying to support me, but even in all of that I still don't have a single person who understands the progression of how I got here. No one that is except for you.

It's days like this where I feel your absence again. Where my heart aches for the closeness of your friendship. Despite all I've been through, I still can't be mad at you for breaking down my walls and loving me like you did. I'll never have a love like that again... After all this I've learned that I just simply don't deserve it.