Each Moment - 11/17

I thought I had moved on. I stopped thinking about you constantly. Checking to see if you'd checked in. Counting the days and weeks that have passed. The obsession had dissipated.

I realize now that I just had some really good distractions over the past few weeks. Good distractions that turned out to be lame temporary replacements for what I had with you. It was never about them... It was always you that I was looking to find again. Our relationship I was trying to recreate.

Will I ever find that again? That connection, that chemistry... With someone who actually sticks around long enough to really know me?

I hate that I don't have that with Clint. I want to. I'm comfortable and there's something to be said for that but it's clearly not enough for me or I wouldn't constantly be searching for more. 

I thought I was ready to move on from you. I thought I had finally stopped loving you so hard and missing you so much... In reality those feelings just manifested themselves in a different way. 

Today I'm sad because I know after I move tomorrow my life will probably never be the same. I have to learn how to survive on my own. How to look to myself for inner peace and confidence instead of constantly needing to pull from somewhere else. I have no choice but to be strong after tomorrow... And that scares me.

I've been feeling more confident the last few days... Reminding myself that I can do this. This is an opportunity to find myself and explore life in a whole new way. 

I really feel like something is wrong with me. I am so restless all the time. Maybe that's why I enjoy dancing and riding so much... It helps me get some good energy out of my system. I think this is my true issue...I can't sit still. Maybe I should move to Europe. There's always something to do there.

I may need to start writing again but it's so tough with Clint having access. This night need to be a topic of conversation cuz I've gotta have a safe place to vent and I can't do that if he's reading it. Some of the things I need to work through would hurt him. 

I wish I had your advice on some of these distractions I've recently had in my life...a man's perspective would be great but like don't really have one that I trust that I can ask. Oh well. I'm swearing men off for awhile anyways. I need to focus on me and just being confident with myself.

Clint's getting sick... Of course. Always the worst timing lol I know he can't help it but good grief. So we had pizza and beer and stayed home and watched game of thrones... Yes I'm just now getting around to the last season. I packed the rest of my stuff after Clint went to bed. That was a little rough... Not gonna lie. No tears were shed but... That was hard. Not knowing if that stuff will ever get put back or not... Or what else will have to follow it. There's no doubt about this... It's hard and it sucks. But I'm doing it. 

One step. One moment at a time. I'm doing it.