This weekend was good. I almost always travel with Clint to see new places and even though I've gone on other girls only trips, this one was different. I was a single girl on my own... Almost like it was my maiden voyage.
I learned a couple things.
1. I don't need Clint to plan every detail of my trip for me to still have a great time exploring a new place.
2. I am smart and independent and I figure things out quickly. Exploring is like a drug to me.
3. The perfect travel buddy is really hard to find. I may need to get used to the idea that I can travel by myself.
These were empowering realizations. It's been a really tough week! Last Sunday Clint and I had the official in person talk where we decided together that is best for us to get a divorce and then talked about the timeline for that. All this week I've been hit with random feelings of nostalgia, sadness, and fear. It's overwhelming a lot of the time. This vacation came at a perfect time for sure... It's been a great distraction but also affirming to me that although my future is scary, I can do this.
It still sucks though you know? Clint is a great guy. He's someone I respect and trust... But his love for me over the years has changed. He still loves me for who I am but he's not in love with who I am and he can't be married to who I am now. I get that and I'm thankful he was finally able to admit that to himself and me.
The future is tough. Being single is hard. Being alone at night is worse. I am getting to the point where casual sex isn't doing it for me though. Thank you Timothy for that :-/
I still don't know where I stand with him. I know he cares about me. He's said and done enough that I know that and maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe I just need to be content with what we have right now and not wonder if something else could happen. Maybe we just need each other right now. He's going through so much with his family right now and carrying such a burden. We both have heavy lives right now. Maybe it's best for both of us if we just enjoy the chemistry we have when it's convenient.
I think I can handle that for awhile. After all I don't think my heart can handle opening up again just yet... Especially for someone so damaged and unsure of where he stands in his own life. He would break me all over again if I let him. Although I know I'm strong now...I don't think I'm ready to voluntarily jump into that type of risk just yet.
I have a good friend that invited me to come live with her at her house in Gardner. She has two giant dogs and travels all the time so she said it would be really great for her to have me there for that... Plus she would like the company lol
So I'm gonna think about it for the next month or so and see what works best. I'd save a lot of money that way which means I'd be able to pay off my school debt finally. Once I do that then maybe I can buy my own house out in the country somewhere.
Big plans. My plans. I'm excited about them most days... But today I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from having to constantly hold myself up emotionally and act to the outside world that everything is peachy. Soon that will change... But not today.
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