Magnetism - 2/25/18

I feel lost today... And I'm not even really sure why.

Next weekend I fly home to tell my parents about everything. I'm really nervous. I know it's my life and my decision. But the fear of letting them down is almost crippling at times.

I think I'm sad today. Lonely really. Days when I have no human interaction are hard for me to endure. All the boxes of emotion I have safely tucked away threaten to break open.

I struggle because the weekends are when I get to see Timothy. We've gotten a lot closer lately. It's apparent that there's a real connection there... For both of us. When he's here I feel safe and protected. He melts the emotion away with his presence because he's just so calm. He listens when I talk. He tries to understand and he never judges. He just accepts me for who I am. I think I'm falling for him... And I hate it.

I didn't want this but now that it's happening I can't stop it. We're just friends and I'm ok with that. I can't have another complicated relationship right now. My heart still hurts.

I had a rough week this week thinking about you. I don't know why but a lot of emotion that I hadn't dealt with in awhile came to the surface. 

What we had was real. It was one of the realest things I've ever felt. But it's like it never happened. You just disappeared. The insecurities and walls that I have because of that experience shape how I interact with men now. I'm always waiting for when they will leave. Preparing my heart for another fall. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. That I had less capability of big emotion. Just sitting here thinking about Timothy some day moving on, which is inevitable, makes me incredibly sad. I don't even really rely on him emotionally because we rarely talk throughout the week. But... It's that chemistry again. The same type I had with you. Magnetism.

I don't know what to do. How do you shut your heart down so you don't feel? So you don't get too attached or care too much?

I can't protect myself. I thought I could but I can't. I'm hopeless. This struggle and the pain of this life... Are overwhelming tonight. 

I took control of myself tonight. I cleaned out my closet, did some yoga, researched apartments in the area that I would be ok moving to. It helped get my mind straight.

I think I want my own place again. It would be nice to have a roommate but I think I need my own space for a little while. It's harder living alone but I think it's best for me for now. I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone consistently. I have the dogs of course but we'll have to share them so that will be tough. So many things to consider. But I think I'm ready to turn my brain off for the night. Too much thinking and it's gonna be a long week.