11/1
Good morning...I haven't greeted you that way in awhile. I just usually start in with all my drama which I'm sure gets old for you.
I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you still check in on me. It means more than you know. I don't know if you do it because you know I need it or because you're curious how I'm doing or maybe a little of both... It doesn't really matter why. It shows that you still care, that you always did care, and that I wasn't the only one that really loved in all this.
It helps me be more balanced in how I move on. There may be things I don't understand or don't agree with in how things went down. But I don't want to get over you or move forward by being angry. I don't want to taint what we had with mistrust in what I thought we had. It may be harder this way and take longer but it's more genuine. You loving me left me with a big impression in a very positive way...I don't ever want to lose that.
So again... Thank you. Those little things still speak volumes because I know who you are. I still love you too hun.
I have an important customer meeting today. Started as a simple ticket but the guy escalated his grievances before I even had a chance to fully investigate the issue... That's always fun. Anyways our CEO is hopping on a meeting with their CIO to discuss their issues with our platform and one of the tickets their looking over is mine... So no pressure lol I did go over the ticket with a co-worker so I have a game plan and I'm not just winging it so I feel confident. It's just annoying cuz device issues are not my forte. I'm more of the software/integration type. Guess you gotta learn somehow right!?
They didn't show... Figures
I went and exchanged my boots over lunch! So excited to break them in on Friday night! Hopefully I don't fall on my ass and make a fool of myself... They're a lot more slick lol
Clint told me I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop feeling the hurt that I caused this situation. He's forgiven me and he's not holding it over my head. I appreciate that but you know I can't just forget that I'm the one who screwed up here. My risk in falling for you is affecting everyone I love. I've turned Clint's world upside down. How do I not beat myself up for that?
I'm being pretty guarded with Robert. We talk but it's different. I don't let him see everything. I don't give him the details and deep stuff. I don't depend on him to cheer me up or even care if I'm having a bad day. Just letting it be what it is. Calm, cool, and collected... The usual Jenelle I am in relationships. You'd be proud of me. I'm not making the same mistake twice. No one needs that kind of burden put on them.
I worked out with Emily tonight... Arms ugh lol but I have some muscle now so I ain't complaining!
We went to a sports bar afterwards to watch the baseball game...I really just went to hang with her and drink lol she had some of her friends from work join us and it was so fun! I love meeting new ppl.
I may have gotten a little too honest with Robert about my sexual tendencies... Insert 3 Long island's lol but he knows he's still gotta wait before anything can happen... If anything can happen. Idk even if anything will but I enjoy talking to him. He's not you... But he's good to me. So I guess that's worth a lot now adays right? I really just want someone to be my friend thru all this. That was supposed to be you but since you're gone... It's either alone or someone else. I still wish it was you.
I wish it was you who was my friend, my lover, the person I found when I needed to feel safe. You were the one I wanted... The one I still want. I'll make do without you because like you said... I'm strong. But... I'll never feel about anyone the way I felt when I was with you. That's just a reality in my life now. Something that will never change despite how much time passes. It's my one constant.
I'm tacking this on to my post from Wed because I feel like they correlate together really well.
I've really struggled with missing you this week. I feel like you're fading away and it doesn't really matter why, it just hurts to know that eventually that's going to happen for you. I still appreciate so much how you've hung in there and continued to check on me. That small daily communication has carried me thru so many tough moments. You really will never know how much that's meant. I'm not ready to fully let you go yet but I also want to to be happy and if moving on from me is what you need to do to be happy then I will be ok.
This all just still hurts so much. I can't express how much it still does in words because it wouldn't come close. Yes I'm able to function and go throughout my day without major breakdowns. Yes I have my eyes set on the road ahead and I'm trying to make the best decisions I can. But just because these things are true doesn't take away from the fact that my heart still really really hurts for you and for what we had.
Even talking with Robert this week has been hard. It reminds me of what we used to have with our friendship but it also told me how rare it was to find chemistry like what we had. I don't have that with him... I'm not even attracted to him to be honest. He's just a really sweet guy and we share a lot of the same interests. This is just all so hard and I Don't really know what else to do to keep pushing myself forward every day. I have no control over how I feel. I can't make it disappear. It just is what it is... And I have to deal with it.
Do you ever listen to a song so full of Hope and confidence that love will come your way, that your life will fall into place, that you'll feel normal again... And just roll your eyes? I heard one like that today.... And then I put it on repeat. Because even if I don't believe it's possible for things to get better...I still need to hear it.
I haven't read any of the words you sent me lately... It's too painful. But sometimes they still flash through my brain anyways reminding me of your ridiculously charming wit and your relentless pursuit of what you wanted. It's definitely bittersweet...
So I took this ticket today... Was supposed to be a simple audio/video quality issue but as I dug in I realized it was basically a shit show of data to comb through. I spent close to 2 hours comparing graphs and talking to people including the CSM... It was special! Can't complain though. It made time fly and I'm learning more about troubleshooting large network issues. So it's all good.
I'm going to Kanzaa tonight... Gonna go dance my cares away in my new boots. Probably not the best way to break them in but I'll be alright. I wish I could tell you that your absence doesn't hurt but it does. The past couple days have been pretty rough but I'll be ok... Just gotta keep moving forward one day at a time. Hopefully tonight will help me forget for a little while. Maybe it will give me a break from this pain in my chest so I can go on to fight another day... Another week without you in my life.
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