Stronger - 11/9

I've been thinking about you a lot this past week. You've been really absent. I don't know why and it hurts but you have to do what's best for you. 

I haven't written much for a lot of reasons. I feel like Clint uses my blog against me sometimes. That's not what it was meant for and it's hard to be open and honest knowing he's going to judge me for something I put in here. That sucks because there's a lot I want to tell you...

I also struggle with how to deal with you now. I know you check in because you care. I wrote that last Wednesday. Ironically after I wrote that you stopped checking snap chat. I don't think you even read that post.... Guess it was just bad timing on my part. Either way it's frustrating to me. I give you such an opening to see into my life yet if I was to reach out to you just to see how you're doing I'd be met with silence. I can't handle that imbalance. If you want to be a part of my life then be a part of it... Don't just be a ghost that I talk to but never really have a relationship with.

I still love you and I'll always carry you with me. You're still the voice in my head. But it's become too painful to keep daily feeling your rejection. It's not just your leaving, its how you left, how you continue to stay away despite everything I've gone through. It makes me feel like I'm nothing to you... Like you never really loved me. How can you see all that you've seen and stay silent? 

I know we're very different in how we behave in relationships but I would never do that. Regardless of the circumstances, I'd never leave someone I love to deal with that kind of pain alone.... Even if it meant sacrificing my own healing in the process. But I guess that's the difference we've always had. You were always willing to give up if things didn't make practical sense. For me...I keep fighting for the people I love even when it makes no practical sense to do so. I don't give up until it feels right to for everyone involved. 

I know I contributed to what happened with us and I'm trying to learn from that and do things differently moving forward. But I can't keep thinking that I'm the cause of every bad thing that's happened. I can't keep feeling like I can never love anyone and have me love them in return because I'm too much. I'm tired of feeling that way. I know I have my issues, we all do, but I have a lot to offer as well. Some people actually appreciate someone who loves as hard and deeply as I do. Those are the people I'll keep in my life from now on. No more trying to try to prove myself to people who only see what they want to see.

This is where I draw my strength now. Not from any one person but from the idea that I am capable of being loved just the way I am. You made me feel that way once... But not anymore. Your actions have demolished that now. I've had to rebuild that on my own. I've had to make myself stronger by believing in what I can be, despite how you made me feel.

I'm not angry... I'm being honest. I know it will hurt you to read this but I'm tired of protecting your feelings. You value honesty above everything else... You made that very clear in our relationship. Honestly...I still love you. I still miss you. Honestly I'm tired of feeling like shit about myself because of how you treated me. I trusted you with all of me. You got all of me. No one has ever accomplished that before. No one. When you left it crushed me... Damaged me. I will never fully recover from that. I'll always second guess myself now in relationships. I'll always struggle with trust and opening up.... Wondering if some day they'll walk away too. Everything you did to break down my walls this summer you destroyed by how you left. I can't even take responsibility for that... That was all you.

But even in saying all that and dealing with the reprocussions of trusting you when I shouldn't have, I've decided that I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I'm better than this. I can find people who love me for me and appreciate the person I am. I can some day find happiness again just because I enjoy life and everything it throws at me. I will find peace again... Because I am strong. And I don't need anyone to tell me that anymore.

I told you that you're always welcome in my life and that hasn't changed. I will still write but it will be because I need it, because I feel like it's the right thing to do for me. 

I love people and I love you... But it's time for me to start taking care of myself and enjoying who I am. 

If men or relationships come in my life and stay it will be because it's best for me. Sometimes it will be best for me to give to someone else for a little while and that's ok... But I'll make that decision not anyone else. Sometimes I'll have a relationship that I draw from because I need it for a time... And that's ok too. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take and sometimes you find that rare relationship where both occur most of the time. I hope some day I find that but until then I'll enjoy my life and the path it leads me down... One day at a time.

I'm embarking on a journey all by myself and I'm scared to death. For once in my life I have no plan. I have no idea where the next day will lead me. I don't know what my life will look like 6 months from now. But...I move forward with determination and confidence in who I am. I don't need any one person to lean on. I'm strong, smart, and independent. I can do this and do it well. This is my life... And I'm finally getting around to living it just for me.