Fucked - 11/12

I'm so incredibly fucked up. I have cheated... Twice... On an amazing man. He has always tried his best to love me the way I needed and what have I done in return? Broken his heart, killed his dreams. I must be the most awful kind of person to be walking away so easily from this. Just because I have no chemistry. What really makes a marriage anyways? 

Regardless of what the answer is the truth is that Clint deserves better. He doesn't deserve to be with a wife who enjoys the company of other men. He deserves to be with someone he can trust and know that they love him just the way he is. 

I'm never going to be happy not having a social life and that's what would be required of me to stay, to put his mind at ease. He will never fully be able to trust me again and that's no way for a man to have to live.

I'm just a mess and I've made a disaster out of my life. The incredible sadness that has swept over me today because of that fact is overwhelming.

This man is so amazing and I'm an idiot for throwing it all away. That's what I feel today.

I feel like the worst person in the world. Clint wants to have sex and I want to please him in that way but I have literally no attraction to him in that way. Its almost like my brain has turned that part off to him. I don't know if it's a self-protection thing or what.

I️ hate what my life has become... Every time I see pictures of families on Facebook it makes me sad. Packing up things today and realizing how close we were to getting a baby brought me to tears. Thinking about starting over... Potentially never finding anyone else that could love me... It daunts me. 

But it's too late to turn back now. I've fucked up too much already... Literally. I can't go back. This is my burden to bear. I created this mess and moving forward seems absolutely impossible. I have no hope really. I want to be strong every day. I want to move forward. But I have no idea what good things could possibly be in store for someone like me. Someone who's screwed up this much... No one worth having is gonna want to come anywhere close to this. I'm damaged goods... By my own hand. My best scenario for all this is that I find some happiness in the independence I will have to make my own choices. But even in that I'm scared to be alone.