Today... Is gonna be rough. I've already been struggling with all the emotions but to wake up today and realize that 5 weeks ago you left and you've never looked back... That started the day off especially rough.
I'm trying to find things to distract myself and help me deal with the emotions but it's really hard to shut out tears when my husband tells me how much he's hurting and how he feels I'm slipping away and he can't do anything to stop it. That... May be what breaks me. I have been strong and I have carried on with my life. But I may not survive losing the both of you.
Robert is sweet and kind and has a great sense of humor and definitely has a sexual mind... But he's not you. He doesn't have your wit. He doesn't have your impossible way of making me want you just by saying a word. He doesn't push to break down the emotional walls I have built up. He's going to be a good friend. There may even be extra benefits in there eventually... But he will never replace you. No one can. I'm never going to find a love like that again and that realization is what's making me slip away from Clint too. I've had something perfect and amazing...I can't get that out of my head now as the standard to hold everyone else to.
Clint is really hurting today. At least he's being open about it and letting me know what's going on with him. It hurts to see him like this and know that I'm the cause. It brings tears to my eyes. I almost hate the fact that I have to work today. Is much rather go home, get wrapped in a blanket, and just watch chic flics all day to drive these emotions away.
Yeah I'm definitely not in the mood to deal with people today. It's gonna be a really long day.
Had a really good talk with Robert today. I've been really careful keeping things to myself and not opening up too much. First of all, this whole thing with him is really new. Second, I'm not interested in another intense relationship. This is just for fun... No commitments, no drama. He's a great guy so I've been really honest with him up front about that and he's cool with that. He's not looking for anything either so we're keeping it casual. This is a good thing.
A fresh wave of hurt has come over me this week. The hurt of losing my marriage as it was. The hurt of casting all this burden on the only person who has ever loved me enough to stick around during the hard times. I failed him. I failed him by being me and pursuing my own happiness instead of putting him first. I'll never be able to take that pain away from him... No matter what I do.
My heart aches for you right now. Just to be held in your arms and be told it's going to be ok. That you believe in me and that I'm strong enough to make it through this. Those words that you said so often still fall on my ears like bittersweet dew drops... Reminding me of what you once saw in me, despite your leaving.
Afternoon went slow.... Lots of dumb people on chat today.
I cried for you on the way home tonight. That hole in my heart is still there babe. I don't know if it's ever gonna go away... No matter how distracted I keep myself.
Watched the Sixth Sense tonight in honor of Halloween. Can you believe I've never seen that before? It was really good... Old but good.
I also got my new dancing boots in the mail but I was really disappointed with the quality so I'm taking them back tomorrow and looking for different ones. I have boots for riding but they have rubber soles which make it not so great for dancing and spinning. Gotta have leather soles for good spinning. Hopefully I can find some tomorrow.
I don't know what else to tell ya... This was my day. Not a bad day at all... Just difficult at times. Now on to tomorrow. One day at a time.
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