Vulnerable - 1/28

I had a moment last night and I don't really know what happened. 

I had a great connection with Timothy again Friday night. It's more than just physical. We actually mesh really well together. Our personalities and chemistry fit. We could literally sit and talk for hours and wouldn't even know it. And... He makes me laugh. He's got a great sense of humor and he knows how to have fun without limitations. I like that.

I know he's into me now... He did things differently this weekend. He made the first moves, not me. I'll never forget the look on his face as he walked across the dance floor straight to where I was sitting and asked me to dance. He doesn't do that... He doesn't have to. He gets asked to dance and never runs out of partners. Having him single me out like that was a big deal!

He opened up and shared some really private things with me about his family. That feeling of safety and trust in creating for him is so rewarding to me. He's had such a hard time lately and I'm glad I can bring him some peace and joy. 

Last night I got hit on by this guy, closer to my age, really cute, decent dancer, and mostly a gentleman... Except when he kissed me on the same floor. I'm all about men being forward but when you're grabbing body parts and stealing kisses in public 5 minutes after we just met... That just leaves me a bit on edge. He gave me his number but I don't think I'll text him. I know he was prolly just drunk and more forward than usual but I don't know. I'm just not into the dating thing right now...I don't want to be.

That actually really depressed me to be honest. Thinking about the connection I've had with Timothy lately and there are a couple other guys that I know and have this little game going but ultimately they're friends. I know them. It's not a romantic thing like that. This would've been... And I'm just not ready for that. 

All I wanted last night was to go home to someone who was familiar... To cuddle a little bit, talk. I just needed comfort knowing someone wanted to be with me just as much as I did with them. And I didn't get that.

But it's not all hopeless. Clint brought me lunch today and Jared came over and we had a movie day and just chilled. We didn't really even talk or do much of anything. It wasn't anything I wouldn't have done on my own BUT I wasn't alone. I was with a friend that knows me and who enjoys my company. And I needed that today so badly! 

I was fighting back tears this morning but having Jared here today helped take my mind off things plus we always have a good time together. He's basically like my little brother. I would do anything for that kid. 

I don't know what my problem is. I have so many people around me who care about me. I have only had 2 relationships go south and that's mainly because they weren't emotionally mature men and I shouldn't have invested time into them anyways. 

I see them on occasion on the weekends but we just pretend that we don't exist lol apparently that's the way people move on instead of working through things and communicating. Or at least how they do. But it bothers me to have something between me and someone regardless of what was done. It leaves me unsettled. Last night I was reminded of that lack of peace with both those men...I think that's what flipped my switch.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I actually held back tears as I stood on the dance floor. I just felt so incredibly alone and it overwhelmed me. 

Things won't always be like this but I do need to get better about dealing with this pain. I can't keep having these moments. Not in public. Not where I'm vulnerable.