Maybe there is hope in all this... Maybe some day my tears will be turned to joy.
God can use this... All of this hurt and pain and bad choices. I don't know how. I can't fathom the work it would take but it's possible. I don't know what it will look like to see all this heartache with a different spin on it... One that hurts a little less and benefits myself and others a little more.
I don't know how that will work. But I have hope that if I keep pressing forward. I keep seeking the things that make me better, make me who I was always meant to be... That some day this will all mean something.
Talking to a friend tonight who's in a different place circumstantially but similar place emotionally. She looks on as other people seem to get her dreams. She keeps pressing forward despite how hard life is alone. Its been encouraging to reconnect with her over the past few months. She's challenged me and I hope I've been able to do the same. She helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel... The possibility. She shows me that I'm still worth fighting for. She tells me I'm brave.
I don't believe her of course but it's good to hear that what I'm doing is encouraging someone else not to give up on their dreams.
Many times, like tonight, I find myself telling her what I've told myself so often recently. You are brave. You are strong. You'll have your moments when you doubt and you're allowed to feel the despair but never lose your hope. It's ironic how her and I take turns repeating the same mantra back to each other. It's good to have a friend like this. One you can be real with. One who sees the ugly that could be there but chooses to show you the beauty behind it instead.
This is the type of friend and person I want to be. Someone who sees the best in people and situations. I know that path sometimes leads to heartache and pain... Broken relationships and shattered dreams and expectations. But what is living life on the safe side, never allowing yourself the chance to truly experience it.
I know I'll make mistakes...I already have, but no one can ever accuse me of not living.
I don't want to be someone who's reckless. Wisdom comes with living life to its fullest. I want to use my failures to make me stronger. To be better. This is my true motivation for walking through this daily battle.
Some day... There will be joy. Some day I'll be better because of this. Because of you. Because I'm choosing not to give up.
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