Judgment - 1/18/18

People are going to judge you based on small snippets of perspective into your life. They judge your actions, your appearance, your motivations.

Just because they form opinions about who you are doesn't make them right. You alone get to choose who you are and what you stand for.

We all make mistakes. We all go through mountains and valleys. We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could change.

That doesn't make us useless or worthless. It makes us human.

Anyone who puts themselves higher than another person because they feel like they haven't made as many bad choices as them is fooling themselves. 

We all hurt people with our choices sometimes. We all hurt ourselves. None of us deserve a second chance.

I want to remember these moments where I feel alone and rejected by people I once called my closest friends and family. I want to remember it not because I want to hold a grudge or become bitter.

If I did that I'd be withholding the same grace and forgiveness I seek after in my own life. 

I want to remember these feelings because most people forget what it feels like to be at the bottom. To force yourself every day to get out of bed, to put a smile on your face, to walk through your day without dragging the drama of your life with you everywhere you go. Most people don't know what it's like to live with crippling guilt and remorse. To put so much energy into being strong emotionally that you're completely exhausted by the end of the day.

Most people don't understand that although you've made some terrible mistakes and you've hurt people you love, you live with that regret every day. That you'll never forgive yourself for not realizing certain things about yourself and your life sooner.

This is what I live with. This is my life. It won't be my future but it is my present. I hope I never forget the pain. When you forget pain, you lose empathy, and when you lose empathy it becomes incredibly difficult to meet people where they're at emotionally.

I may be scrutinized and judged, rejected, alone... But I'm not lost. As long as I hold onto who I am and the hope that some day I'll be able to use all these choices and challenges to help other people... Then the fight right now is worth it. 

I have lost almost everyone that has ever known me in some form or another simply because they stopped trying to understand, to think the best instead of assuming the worst about my motivations and my character. 

Even Clint is gone now... Refusing to speak to me because apparently I'm a whore and he just can't understand how I find it acceptable to sleep with other men while we've been separated even though I was honest with him about it before I moved out. 

I've never confirmed it. I kept it from him on his request but he couldn't let it go. He never can. He always has to know everything. It was either lie or confirm that I had. I chose to tell the truth... He hasn't spoken to me in 3 days. I've been told that I'd have to repent of my ways and change, conform to traditional values before he would take me back.

These types of words and philosophies from him are exactly what's made living in this box so unbearable. Being denied the right to make my own choices and what's best for me simply because he doesn't want to push the boundaries of what's right and wrong. 

He's safe, cautious... Always has been. He's loved me but he's always struggled with who I am. There have been countless occasions where I've felt belittled or worthless because he didn't like me being myself in a certain situation. He got embarrassed by me often and always let me know. The times he was proud of my wild and crazy side are rare. 

I've never truly been able to be myself until recently... And the me I am right now is strong and confident. She's beautiful inside and out. She loves people deeply and invests her time and energy into people that need her. She's a little wild and a little crazy at times but she keeps a level head. She's brave and determined. She will not be taken advantage of again. She will not be put back in a box.

She is the person I want to be. 

So I may be fighting on a daily basis and struggling to take every step forward but I am who I want to be and I'm becoming her more and more every day. If people can't get behind who I am, then they can kiss my ass goodbye. 

I don't have time for people who think they're better than everyone else just because they've lived a safe life and have never allowed themselves to make mistakes and fall. They're the cowards that live behind curtains of fear and shame.

I refuse to live that way any longer. I refuse to be tied down by a set of standards that make people feel scorned when they make simple mistakes. 

I am free.