Finally Done - 1/15/18

Clint and I are done. 

We talked today about how this weekend was very affirming of that... For both of us. We both feel the same way. We've grown too different to keep going. Staying together would be a short term bandaid and would only make us both miserable in the end. 

We're not signing papers or anything like that yet but I this conversation felt very final to me. There were no "what ifs" or "maybes". We talked plain about the here and now. 

I'm sad but I knew this was coming. Perhaps that's why it's been so easy for me to jump into the single life. I already knew that was my future. It's wrong for me to keep dragging it along. We need to be done. I can't keep hurting him.

I have so many emotional scars right now. I don't know if I'll ever heal. I've spent years trying to conform and live in the box that I thought I was supposed to be. Even today Clint made me feel so small just because he disagreed with me about something. 

I'm tired of living like that. Living like I'm defined by my failures. Like there's no grace for me. No hope for happiness. I've lived like that for so long. I am that way by nature but then you add all the things from my conservative childhood on top of that and a husband who has never failed at anything in his life because he's too cautious to try something that might not work out.... Then judging me for having the courage to step out and do the "abnormal" thing. 

I'm a mess. On so many levels.

I don't feel like I even deserve to be loved. Like I'm worthless...a lost cause.

That needs to be healed first before I'll ever get anywhere with my life. 

These are big and small steps. I'm scared. I don't know where to go with all this. Very few understand. Very few listen without judging. I feel alone a lot of the time. 

I don't know what the right move is forward or how to get myself pointed in the right direction. I should sit down and make a plan. Figure things out.

But my heart hurts. And I've been crying all day.

So tonight, just for tonight, I'll down my sorrows in a bottle of wine and hope that tomorrow the sun comes back out.

Maybe that will help me get out of bed and put a noticable smile on my face.

Maybe.