I'm beginning to realize something...
I'm still not over you. It's not Clint I'm trying to replace... It's what I had with you.
I didn't realize how much losing you was still controlling me.
How I've been searching in all these connections for the chemistry and freedom I had with you.
It also explains why I'm thrown so much when men disappoint me or the relationship doesn't work out... It's like I relive that rejection all over again.
I relive you leaving and the emotions all hit me again.
I still get chills if I allow myself to think about it for too long.
There are still songs I can't listen to without my eyes welling with tears.
You damaged me...I don't know if I'll ever be the same. If I'll ever be able to trust that someone won't walk away if I let them see all of me.
You were different than Clint. Clint has stayed out of duty. Of course he cares about me but I think it's becoming more and more clear to both of us that it hasn't been because he can't live without me. He doesn't have that romantic love for me either. He's just a lot better at living inside society's box than I am.
If this is all true tho... I'm never going to figure things out. How do you replace someone who's left a hole in your heart? No one can do that... Even Clint falls short.
Am I fucked then? Just left to roam this life by myself floating from relationship to relationship never really feeling fulfilled or connected to anyone? Is this my destiny in love? I was only able to really experience it once... But I wasn't able to keep it?
I know I've made some wrong choices in my life but what did I ever do to deserve a life without a love that sets you on fire?
I guess I'll never know what's it's really like again to have that. I barely was able to know it before it was taken from me. This is my life now. I have to learn to accept that I may never have that again.
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