Awake way too early... Been struggling with sleep and eating these days and I'm not really sure why.
I just keep replaying things in my head. Last weekend was a lot of fun. A fairly healthy distraction from life. Re-established a friendship that had gone south for a short time so that's always nice. I don't like things being unsettled between me and ppl I care about.
I also discovered that apparently I have game... So that's cool. I never thought at this point in my life I would just be able to spin around and choose which guy I wanted for the night. They're all "friends" or at least ppl I know well enough to trust with that sort of thing so it works for me. I've discovered that that's all I really need in a sexual relationship.
Obviously I always desire more, a connection, a spark, but this works for now. I don't do random strangers although I've had the opportunity to a few times. I'm trying to play it safe.
I don't want to be a slut that just sleeps with random ppl all the time. Even with my current rotation I really only have one that's a true regular. The rest are just there on the side lines for backup if needed but I try not to do that unless absolutely necessary... Or apparently if I've been drinking lol
I'm ok with this for now. It won't be my life forever but I'm enjoying the experiences I'm having. I spend so much of my time thinking about life and the future that it's nice to have a distraction on the weekend to escape from myself.
I know now that that's actually healthy for me to do as long as I'm keeping a balance with my time and still taking moments to sort through things emotionally.
It's hard though sometimes. Some of these guys are really good guys that would be dating material if it ever came to that.
In fact there is one in particular that I feel would be a good fit for me but he's a little damaged too. He's definitely interested in me but in a relationship not so much. And I'm ok with that. I'm not looking for that right now either... Clearly. But maybe some day...I don't know. I just know that a guy like that is one I'm gonna take my time with and not push so that's what I've been trying to do.
I have a close friend who's been there for me over the past couple months. We have a FWB situation going on and got the most part it works. There's no attraction there for me or romantic chemistry at all but we get along great and the sex is probably some of the best I've ever had.
It scares me though... Getting close like that and letting someone in. Even on a friendship level is hard for me to let go. I keep a lot tucked away and focus more on helping him through things. I just can't become dependant on any one person for emotional support again. I have to keep it spread out and if that means I never have a full on long term relationship again then so be it. I'll still have people in my life that care... But I'll be less vulnerable that way.
I have to be smart about all these things. The sex, the connections, the distractions... All of it has to be balanced. It may seem to some like I'm living on the wild side but I don't feel like I am. I'm being careful still with these choices. I'm just letting myself be more free than I have before. And that to me is ok... Regardless of what anyone else says.
No comments:
Post a Comment