Dealing - 10/30

It's definitely a Monday...

My feelings today are a mesh of mixed emotions. I'm sad, lost, lonely, angry, fearful.... Today may be a little rough.

Seeing the look of fresh hurt in Clint's eyes and knowing I put it there by creating this impossible situation... It was almost more than I could bear. 

I've been in tears off and on this morning. The reality of losing Clint is really hitting me. It's temporarily taking over my feelings of loss for you. Both are severe and almost unbearable... Having them together is almost suffocating. Thankfully I've had a busy morning at work to distract myself. I'm planning on going to Starbucks to get some coffee and read my book as well. I'm hoping those things help. 

I hate hurting him. It makes me want to make the choice to stay. But I know in my heart I can't make that decision yet. I've changed so much. Clint and I are on different pages. In order for us to stay together one of us would have to sacrifice who we are and our beliefs in a major way. We're both willing to do that but we also know that doesn't make for long term happiness for anyone involved. It's such a tough situation.

I don't really know any answers right now but I know this sucks and I know that if I was different things wouldn't have to be this way. I wish I could be who he needs me to be. I've tried... For years I've tried subduing my wild side... But it just keeps coming back out. I know this may suck right now and I'm definitely losing a lot but it'll be easier on him in the long run if I choose to let him go now. I have to be true to myself... No matter how much I love him. 

I kept myself pretty busy most of the afternoon and evening. That helps. Clint has been in a better mood. I wish I could process emotions that quickly. 

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a month... It felt really good. I can tell I'm stronger now. It wasn't as hard to run a mile. I could've actually upped my time but I didn't want to make myself sick running that hard after eating. I might try it next time tho. I'd like to be running faster. 

Robert is in the army in active duty so he gets assigned to random transports usually but occasionally he gets assigned to social events. Apparently he got assigned to the chiefs game today so he's been there all day. I thought that was pretty cool! 

It's kinda fun knowing someone in active duty. I've always had so much respect and appreciation for people in the service but unless you know people you don't really understand everything that goes into it. Even my brother doesn't have the chance to tell me a ton cuz he lives so far away.

I need to find a new tattoo guy. I think I'm gonna go get the one on the back of my neck next. I've been wanting to do that one for awhile and I've just been too chicken but I feel like it fits this phase of life that I'm in right now.

I also think I'm still gonna get the one on my ribs for Clint and I. Regardless of what the future holds he's played a major part in my life and his influence and love will never leave me. Putting something permanent and beautiful on my body in remembrance of that would be a good thing.

Ok enough of this day and the insesant searching for distraction. I'm exhausted...