I think I just really hurt him. This might push him over the edge to be honest. I told him that I felt that if I'm gonna be separated that I needed to really do things on my own and make my own decisions for a change.
He immediately got defensive and upset because we had decided a couple weeks ago that I would have certain "rules". I know we're still married but the whole purpose of this is to figure myself out and figure out what I want in life. I can't do that with his rules and expectations hanging over my head. I need to really be free to decide what's best for me.
He thinks I'm gonna be running around having sex with all these ppl and he keeps throwing in my face that we're still married and it's going to really hurt him. I'm not saying my goal is to sleep around or be super crazy. I don't know what the next six months will hold for me or what I will do on my path to figure things out. But I need to have the freedom to have those experiences without someone saying I'll pay for it later... Which is basically what he's said several times.
I don't know if I can do this. What if this is it? The defining moment for us.... The point where we realize that we are on completely different pages and we really shouldn't be together anymore.
I mean what else do I do? Move out and be a hermit for 6 months to the point where I'm so lonely that I have no choice but to come crawling back? No... Now is the time for me to live and see what Jenelle can do on her own. I'm tired of being tied down by other people's expectations. I've lived my entire life doing what other people think is best. Clint constantly guilts me into making decisions that he agrees with instead of what I think I want to do. I'm so tired of being thumbs down and feeling like I can't be myself. Like I'm not good enough the way I am because I don't fit in the conservative Christian box.
I'm so sad... I've been feeling more and more like splitting from Clint is the right choice... And I think Clint is finally realizing that too.
This whole thing just really sucks... And I really wish I could really sit and talk to you about all this. I really need your input right now.
This sucks you know? I really do love him. It sucks that I can't be who he needs me to be. I've tried for so long... But I don't think I can do it anymore.
Tonight we sat silently next to each other on the couch starting straight ahead. Tears streaming down my face as he softly played with my fingers. So this is what it feels like to have your whole world and everything you've ever known slip away from you.
It's wine and movie time. Miss Congeniality for the win. Sandra Bullock is my spirit animal.
Robert is a good distraction. Still keeping my distance but it's nice to have a taste of what we had to distract during these emotional times. I needed something to make me smile after all this heartbreak.
God I miss you... So much babe. So much more than you could possibly ever know.
I just really don't know what else to say. It's been a weird and emotional day.... And I feel like you should've been here with me for it. But again... That's not up to me anymore. I get it...I gave everything just to lose. Well played. I'm now living in my worst nightmare.
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