So I made a connection last night with one of the regulars that I dance with. His name is Robert and he's so sweet. Perfect gentleman... But still definitely a dude lol he's in the army and owns a ranch. I should also mention he's African American and Cuban which is kinda cool. He's got a great sense of humor and he's kinda quirky and just an open book basically.
Anyways...I danced with him a couple times and talked with him on and off throughout the night, then I was chatting with him towards the end of the night. He was a little drunk so I walked out with him and kept him company in his truck until he sobered up enough to drive. We just sat and talked and listened to music... It was so nice! I really needed to feel like a normal girl that can have someone want to spend time with me just because I'm me. We've been talking today a lil bit too. He knows about my situation and he's cool with it... We're keeping it casual and he's being respectful. Not gonna lie tho... He's a really good kisser. It was hard to stop but I did.
It was a genuine connection and it definitely helped being able to laugh like that again and feel wanted. It's not a fix for anything of course. Who knows we may only talk today then it'll fizzle out and that's fine. I'm tired of planning the future. I'd rather just let things happen. I'm not putting my heart into situations until I'm sure I can trust it to not be broken like it is now... So basically never. But I'm ok with that.
Today has been mostly sleeping in and doing laundry so kinda chill which is nice. We have a surprise birthday party for Jeremy tonight! He's had a rough couple months so I'm super excited about doing this for him and letting him know how much he's loved. It should be a good time with my friends too...I haven't seen most of them in awhile so it should be a good time. Hopefully I won't have to field too many questions about what's going on with me but we'll see.
So far the party has been good. I've gotten a lot of "It's really good to see you" comments tonight. I know I've been absent and it sucks cuz I know ppl care but how do you possibly help them understand all this? It's just too much.
It was a fun time tonight. It was weird tho. I almost felt like none of this would change even if I chose to leave Clint... Because that's just the kind of people my friends are. The other part of me realized that I don't miss being around a lot of the philosophy that they talk about. I have different views now and that's ok. It doesn't make anyone better than the other... It's just different.
I don't know tho...I just still feel like most people won't understand what's going on with us. They'll think I'm dumb for screwing up, moving out, even thinking about permanently leaving. Clint is a great guy and I have an amazing life with him... Why would I give all that up for uncertainty?
One of the ladies that was at the party was talking about why she divorced her first husband. She said that they cared about each other and things weren't bad but they grew apart. She felt wrong for continuing to string him along. She said it would've been easier if they would've hated each other... An easier decision.
I really appreciated what she had to say. It made me feel less abnormal to feel some of the feelings I have. I'm not the only one who has had to make this decision. Even Robert said the same thing last night. He's been divorced and the only reason he stayed as long as he did is because he didn't want to be alone.
I don't want to be alone either. I want someone to love me for who I am and grow old with them. I want to have babies. I want a happy life. But none of these things are good enough reasons for me to stay with Clint if I don't feel like he's the one for me anymore. Its not fair to him to keep fighting thru a marriage that I'm discontent being in just because of the things I could get from him. He deserves better than that. He deserves a woman who is in live with him and is in sync with him. Someone who can be faithful because she's not missing an pivotal element in the relationship.
I still don't know what my final decision is. But I do know now more than ever that I need to be on my own and I need to be on my own under my terms. Clint may not want me to be with other men or explore life in certain ways and that's fine for him to feel that way. But if I don't take this time and truly figure out what I want for my life and figure out how to make decisions just for me... Then why are we even bothering with the separation? I have to be free to make my own choices and if he doesn't like that then that's his choice but I can't keep sacrificing myself and my desires and needs because of what other people expect of me.
I've been sitting here on my couch alone just thinking for the last half hour...
Lots of thoughts running through my head but I can't pinpoint anything in particular. It's just a whirlwind.
Meeting Robert was a good thing but I'm not going to push anything with him. The whole point of this separation is for me to learn how to be on my own and figure out what I want. Not saying some make attention won't need to be sprinkled into that process but it's not a great idea to start this off that way.
I'm not about to start controlling my life and wondering what could happen. I'm taking one day at a time... Regardless of who walks into or out of my life. It's time for me to close this broken heart for awhile so I can heal and do what's best for me for a change.
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