Me talking to you

*8/18

Changed the title... Cuz that's really what it is. Me talking to you. Even if you stopped reading I would still keep talking. My conversation with you never really stops. I'm addicted to you and your thoughts on everything. Talking to you about life was so invigorating. Sometimes I wanted to smack you lol or I wished we could talk in person so we could better understand each other but mostly I just loved hearing what you thought.

Today is a day where my emotions are so whipped that I don't even know what to think or say. I'm numb and sad and reserved but not completely lost anymore... So that's one positive. 

My biggest fear is that I'll have to heal my emotions for you in order to love Clint the way he deserves to be loved. He deserves a woman willing to sacrifice everything for him. To love him fully with no reservation. That's what he wants... And I thought I was doing that pretty well. But I'm just sad right now and that spills over into every other area of my life. 

I think tonight I'm gonna go to Kanzaa... By myself. Just to dance. I need a real night out to do something I love without having to worry about anyone else's feelings.

I really don't wanna work today. Just wanna chill at home and read a book and eat ice cream. 

Trying to stay focused on work today and really kick ass. Been a whole month here already which seems so crazy! I'm happy you pushed me out of PA. You were right... It was such a toxic environment for me and I needed to be gone. I just wish you could find something just as amazing as I have. You deserve to have people appreciate your hard work and dedication. I'm gonna keep working on this for you. I told you I would help you find a new job and I'm going to. 

I actually never told you that's what started the whole thing on Saturday. I was talking to Clint about PA and work and I asked him if he would be ok with me referring you in. Then he asked how we were doing cuz it would depend on that... And I shook it off like it would be no big deal. Ugh...I wish I didn't have a conscience. Could've saved us from so much shit...

I'm so antsy right now. I just don't want to be at a desk. I want to be outside doing something. I haven't worked out all week cuz well emotions...I know, excuses lol BUT I did go line dancing Wed and I'm gonna go tonight and I had riding lessons last night so I've stayed active, just no official exercising. 

This weekend I'm gonna get back in the game tho...I need to keep my body busy in order to keep my mind calm. I wish I could keep my body busy with you...

Ugh the desires 

Haven't had sex since Clint's birthday... Might need to push myself to do that this weekend. I just don't have the desire right now.  Not cuz I'm dissatisfied but just because it requires work all the time and sometimes I'm just tired of always having to work for it. 

Do you think that's a bigger problem? Probably. I mean Clint tries to please but he's not very giving in sex... And it gets old always pleasing. Maybe I should talk to him about that....

How are you? I wish I could see how you're doing. I worry about you. I know I brought distraction to your life... Helped to cope with the pain. Are you doing ok without that? I hate not being able to know that you're ok. But as you always say...I need to stop worrying about you so much. Lol... Never gonna happen. 

I was bold...I told Clint how I wish I just had one week to do whatever I wanted to get everything out of my system then be able to return to life. I told him it would be a good break for both of us. He actually responded positively... Said it sounded fun in theory but he wasn't sure if he could really do it. I call that a win lol

He finally responds and is like "I don't think I could do it but we could go to Vegas together and try some new things sometime!" He totally missed the point. Going to Vegas with him... As narrow-minded as he is sounds about as fun as taking Gma to the beach. Unless of course it mimicks the movie Dirty Grandpa... Then I could get behind that lol I mean what crazy things would we do.... Go to a strip club, watch a Chip n Dales show, go to a club and watch him be a wallflower while I feel too weird to dance with anyone... Sounds like SO MUCH FUN. Insert overly sarcastic voice. Oh well! It was worth a shot. I'll just commit myself to this uneventful, dull life.

I think it's becoming very clear to me that Clint is only ok with me going out and flirting with random guys. He doesn't want the emotional connection.... These are all his words by the way. We talked about this just yesterday. So...I guess for now that's what I'll do. It's something... At least I have freedom to go out.

I really shouldn't be so harsh. We're having a good conversation about it. He knows that I'm deferring to him with my freedom and he wants to try to compromise but he just doesn't know what he's ok with it. He's willing to work on it tho which says a lot. Even if he never gets to my level at least he's trying. I should work with him on this and see if it helps both of us connect in this area more. 

I think it's funny the difference between you two. My sexual appetite fuels your fire and makes you more attracted to me. With Clint... It freaks him out. Lol... And that's what a conservative raising will do for ya! Make you so scared of failing at anything that you never try anything. 

I wish I could just sit and talk with you like normal people. Sitting at the park on a blanket, looking at the clouds, my head on your chest... Unless that hurts then we can swap lol it would just be nice to be close and share things with you, hear your thoughts, and just be together.

I don't know why I keep trying to quantify my love for you vs my love for Clint. Like you said love can't be measured... There's way too many factors. I think for the longest time I put levels on it with you because I tried to make myself feel better... Like I still had control of the situation and my emotions as long as I didn't love you too much. Obviously that didn't work and I was definitely lying to myself. Now I recognize that I do love you...I just do and there doesn't have to be a specific level assigned to it and I don't have to try to explain it away to someone who thinks it was "too much". I loved you. I do love you. Period. End of story. Get over it people if you don't understand. This isn't going away because once I choose to love there's no going back for me. We're both a lot alike in that area I think. 

The guys are talking video games again lol... Why do there have to be so many things in my world that remind me of you. I would normally text you right now and get the scoop but I can't so I guess I will remain dumb in this area for now. OR I could just take up gaming too lol

I have an old friend that I was able to talk thru the open marriage thing with today. She's more open-minded like me and comes from the same background, so it was actually a nice conversation. Made me feel less weird for feeling the way I do. She said she didn't know if she could do it... Which is fine but she understood why it might be good for me. It felt so good to have someone from my background and beliefs affirm that! I know I'm thinking way outside the nice little Christian box here but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Ugh this situation sucks so bad. I promise I'm not getting dark here but real life sucks. I wish it was simpler to be happy.

I miss talking to you. I still pick up my phone a million times to check it or to text you. But I don't want to abuse the privilege of having you stay. We both need time to get to a good place with this so we can think with the right heads... Lol I'm willing to wait if needed as long as it means I don't lose you completely. I'm even willing to compromise with Clint and come down to his level if it means I can still keep in touch with you... Which I'm not telling him btw because gosh we've downgraded so much! I do not have a problem not telling him that you chose to stay in my life in an incredibly minimalist way for right now because you want what's best for me. 

Not guilty... At all. Especially when you look at how much I'm already giving up to make him feel comfortable. He'll live not knowing this lol I mean good grief I actually had Joe and Harrison both reached out to me this week to see how I was doing on a very personal level. Harrison saw my snaps and wanted to make sure I was ok... Which was actually super sweet and out of the ordinary for him to do cuz he's NOT an emotional person. Joe just knew I was struggling so he's been checking in on occasion. I was emotionally and somewhat physically close with both of them, yet he doesn't have a problem that we keep in touch. 

So yeah I'm good. 

I decided I'm gonna go home and make some dinner then get all dolled up and go to Kanzaa by myself. Gonna go dancing and drink just a lil bit... Can't call you this Friday lol I mainly just need a night to be free with no judgements and Clint has already given his blessing to me about going out and dancing with other guys... Doesn't bother him at all so I'm taking full advantage of this. I might have some good snaps for you later... We'll see!

Oh also I updated some of my blogs this afternoon... The grammar and spelling errors were getting to me lol I didn't really add anything tho so don't be alarmed... Not that you were.

So you like twilight right? Don't worry... My secret lol Well you know the second movie where Edward leaves Bella... Yeah so I was watching that Tuesday night when you texted me. Probably not the best move I've ever made watching that knowing what was probably coming but I relate so much to her. Our healing process is so similar... Like right now I just want to be so dangerous. I won't be... But I want to be. Distraction. Adrenaline rush. That's what I need right now.

I feel so selfish only talking about me all the time... Course it is kinda hard to carry on a two sided conversation right now lol I guess I just want you to know how much I wish I could just sit and listen to tell me how you're doing and all about your day or how dumb ppl at work are being or whatever...I wish I could be your sounding board like you are to me.

Medicinal marijuana... Have you ever tried that to help with your situation? I know it's really great for chemo patients... Didn't know if that would work for you or not. Just a thought lol... Very random thought at that.

I got home and totally lost all motivation to go out. I considered staying home then I realized I'd be bored and wouldn't have you to talk to. It would not be good for me to sit tonight. So I'm going out to paint the town. Gonna go make friends with strangers and dance with men I don't know... Here's to embracing the only freedom I've got! 

I think it's safe to post this now... Who knows how the night will end up. I'll keep you posted best I can ;-)