Just a Focused Sunday

I hope my what I wrote this morning spoke to you in a positive way. It's my honest emotion about you and the situation. I'm level-headed, cooled down... And that's still how I feel, right or wrong, good or bad... It is what it is.

Today Clint and I are spending intentional time together. Lunch at jack stack, walking around union station and crown center.... These types of dates usually help with us relaxing and reconnecting with each other. We've bounced back quick this week despite the major drama from Monday night. It gives me hope to see how quickly we fall back into step with each other after a huge fall out like that. Today I want to have some more open conversation with him. At this point I don't really have anything to lose so I'm going to try to be honest with him about some of the things I'm missing, and I want the same from him. If we're gonna keep this going then he's gonna have to get more used to having these hard conversations about my raw emotions. I can't keep hiding things just to protect him. So we'll see how this goes today. I have high hopes but I've not made the best moved lately so I'm hoping I don't screw up this opportunity too.

Well lunch was good but I got so melancholy so quick. The pain and meds didn't help, which I'm sure you can totally relate to. So we went home and took naps. 3 hours for me and it felt so good! I'm telling ya... Naps fix everything for me lol 

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt today about marriage and relationships. She's been through a lot in her life including abuse and she's finally in a place where she's single, almost kid free, and able to finally focus on herself and be happy. I'm so proud of her for finally getting to this place despite the people that may judge her. We had a good talk about how people grow and change and needs change and how tough that is on a marriage. It was refreshing to have someone affirm me in that without freaking out and pushing the typical marriage ideals on me.

Clint and I are going for ice cream. Those fro-yo places where you fill the cup and put all the toppings on are legit my fav ice cream places to go. They have these little help balls you can pop in your mouth that are just amazing lol 

I've decided not to talk to Clint tonight about anything super deep. For one thing it's been an emotional week and we just need a day to chill and enjoy each other's company. For another, it really doesn't make sense to talk to him until we have a chance to talk. We need to figure out what's best for us first before I approach him with anything on this topic. So today we spend time together with no agenda.

Haha...That didn't last! We were walking around Zona Rosa and we had a good vibe going. We sat down on a park bench and I was gonna keep it in but he ended up asking me to be honest with how I was doing and it just all came spilling out... Shocker I know lol we ended up having one of the most open and transparent conversations we've had all summer. We talked about my needs, about how I'm so happy with him and our marriage and that I know he's giving his best and I could never ask more of him but unfortunately I don't know if that's fulfilling me the way I need. We theorized about what it would be like if he did give me more freedom and how that would work practically and with the emotions in our relationship. He said he understood more where I'm coming from and would keep thinking about this. I still don't know that he'll give me that freedom but it was nice to feel heard on this. 

I mean I don't even know if I could do anything if he gave me that freedom. What if I screwed up my marriage by complicating it with openness? What if I thought I could handle it and I couldn't? Then again... What if it's good for me? What if it's a great outlet for me and allows me to appreciate what I have even more? 

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. There's really no point wondering or beating myself up trying to figure it out if I don't have the freedom to know for sure. 

So... I'm gonna just be happy that I was able to connect with my husband on a different level tonight and we were able to have an honest conversation about something hard. Win. 

I really don't wanna go to work tomorrow. I feel like I could take a whole week and just do nothing. 

I wish I could text you right now as I chill on my couch watching TV like I used to. I just wanna have a normal conversation with you. I miss talking to you, best friend.