Last night I feel asleep dreaming what it would be like to have a day to ourselves. Some thoughts weren't so pure lol but most of it was just you and me doing what we've always wanted to... Just being natural together, just being us. It was a really happy thought.
Then I woke up this morning and got this sinking feeling that you aren't gonna go thru with it. Something is gonna happen or you're gonna think it's not best so you won't come. No matter what I do I can't shake it. I hope this isn't the case. You always told me that it was up to me and my comfort level and I've worked really hard to get to a healthy place emotionally so that when I see you it's safe and not too enticing. I've thought about this a lot and I just can't imagine moving forward without taking advantage of this opportunity. I'm solid and unwavering on this.
So you don't have to say no to protect me. If you can't or just don't want to for you... I'll understand.
I need to calm my nerves. I don't know why but some of the things you said yesterday just freaked me out and I need to not let it do that. It just felt like you were so disconnected and you were ok with that because you knew it had to happen to be healthy for both of us. I may not even post this tonight until I can calm myself down. I don't want you getting frustrated that I'm over thinking but I don't have a ton to go off of and I'm so excited to get the opportunity to see you. I don't want anything to mess that up. It's all I've ever wanted since beginning of July. Remember when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I just want to see you and be normal with you.... I've been waiting for this for so long! And now that things are different it makes it even more imperative that we do this.
Yeah I'm not posting this today for sure. You're gonna be so frustrated with how emotional and anxious I'm being today. Maybe I should just spare you the pain of dealing with me. Maybe I should cut you loose. Your life would be so much simpler without me. I'm sure you're already feeling that which is probably why you've found it so easy to compartmentalize your feelings for me.
You may even look at my freak out today as further evidence that you shouldn't be in my life. It makes me so nervous that you read that into my every emotional breakdown. That you're gonna leave or walk away or push me away because you think it's better for me.
I'm an idiot. Of course you want to come on Friday and of course you want to see me. You are the one that keeps bringing it up. Why would you do that if you didn't want to do it? I am legit crazy. I mean I know this is normal for girls but seriously... Cmon Jenelle, get it together!
So Clint and I are going rock climbing tonight for fun. We decided to try one new thing every month to do together and we get to take turns choosing. I've never rock climbed before so I'm excited! But I will probably suck lol Also I'm really afraid of heights so that should be interesting! Hopefully I don't get half way up and pass out like Sheldon Cooper did on Big Bang Theory. I love that episode... Gets me every time lol
I really enjoyed talking to you today... Totally chill. It was nice :-D I can't wait until Friday...I may steal you for the whole weekend... Hehehe JK... Well kinda ;-)
I told Clint to get video and pics of me climbing mainly cuz I think I'm gonna bail lol it's gonna be entertaining regardless!
Well I had to do a lot of self talk, but I did it. I conquered my fear. The first couple climbs I chickened out but I kept pushing myself and I finally made it to the top, then the next one I rappelled which was really hard to trust lol I was shaking once I got down from that first treck to the top but I did it! There was one time I froze about 2/3 of the way up. My heart started beating so fast. I didn't know what to do so I just kept pushing myself until I made it to the top then I forced myself to fall... Gosh that was so scary! I got good at it tho and started taking more risks. I told Clint we'll have to go back... What an adrenaline rush!
I tried posting videos on FB but it wasn't working so I'll have to show you later if I can't get them up there. You would've been so proud!
Now I'm posting this cuz you asked me too but honestly I know I was just being dumb today. Friday night means so much to me that it happens and I'm just afraid it's not going to work just like every other time we've tried planning something. I really need this and I think you do too. I know you want to come....I was just being a dumb girl and reading into things too much. I can't wait to see you! And tomorrow I get my new tattoo! I'm so excited! This week is turning out great!
Ok heading to bed now. I'll hopefully talk to you soon :-)
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