All The Things

This morning has been a mixture of emotions. I think about what people would think if they knew. If they knew not just what I did but that it was premeditated and I in fact don't really feel guilty about it. I think about Clint and how much it would hurt him if he found out. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. 

But then I move to a different place. I remember why I did this. I did this for me, for you, for us. I enjoyed every minute of it. It may not be right in other's eyes and as a Christian... Probably not right either. But it was my choice and it's done now. No going back. So there's no use in regretting or feeling guilty. The best thing I can do for myself and everyone else is to ask forgiveness from Jesus and myself if it was wrong then use the experience to make myself and my marriage stronger. That was the whole point after all. To be able to move forward without this curiosity looming over my head, haunting me. 

It eventually would've led to disaster. Who knows... Having kids might've broken me. And then I'd really be fucking up for letting them down and probably not getting my curiosity out in the right way. No... This was best. Not widely accepted. Not something I can share. But it was best for me and for my future family. 

I had sex with Clint last night... For obvious reasons. It was good. Funny thing is that it revealed some things to me. I always want to skip the foreplay with him... His kissing kinda bothers me lol but without the foreplay I don't get lubricated like I need to. Last night's five minutes with him was more uncomfortable than an hour and a half with you... And it had nothing to do with cock. I need to work on this. We could be having better sex but I've put so many barriers on it in my mind. That is not good. 

I wonder how you're doing this morning. I hope your procedure went ok and that you get some rest today. I know yesterday was worth it but that doesn't mean you still didn't suffer physically from it. 

I also wonder how you're doing with everything. I know the after effects for you are probably way different than mine. But I still wonder what you're thoughts are. You kept asking what your rating was... Well, I kinda wonder to lol I would just take your "I have no words" as a sign, but you always have words. Maybe this is different tho. I mean I'm really vocal when I'm enjoying sex but when I actually cum... Complete silence. So... Maybe this is like that. I don't know. 

It's nothing you need to worry about answering right now though. You're gonna need to get rest today to recover from the weekend... And me lol I may not text you a lot today for that reason. I don't want to be an emotional burden to you right now. You need to rest and recoup. We can always talk later. I'm doing good for the most part... Can't stop thinking about you or our time together. But for the most part I'm good. Trying not to let guilt or regret settle in. That may take a little while cuz I'm naturally bent that way anyhow and this was definitely one of those situations most people wouldn't agree with or understand. But it's not about them. And it's not about my marriage. It's about me. 

Anyhow, I hope you're doing well. I wish we could talk about all this in person but we've made it pretty evident that if we're together we don't get much talking in ;-) 

You know it's not just about the sex, right? If we had done nothing all weekend but spend time together talking, laughing, and cuddling, I would still be head over heels for you right now. I love how well we mesh together. It's not without its trial and error at times but it also seems so seamless, effortless even. You may disagree. Maybe it's just that what we have makes all the work we've put into this irrelevant. Either way I'm thankful to have you in my life. 

You are a large part of my life... It sucks that I have to keep you a secret but at the same time I'm at peace with that now. God brought you to me to enrich my life. It doesn't come without risk, but it's definitely worth it. 

I don't think I really explained why I chose to get the tattoo that I did. "Wild heart, gypsy soul". I got this as a reminder that this is my true spirit. I may have to deny that sometimes for circumstances, social constructs, or the benefit of others... But deep down that's never going to die. I'm always going to have that and I have to find ways to allow myself to be that or I'll never be truly happy.

It just keeps hitting me...I got naked with you. I let you see every inch of my body. I let you touch every inch of my body. I felt you inside me. I showed you my most intimate expressions. And it doesn't make me feel bad... It makes me hot (legit physically hot) thinking about being that vulnerable with you and how safe I felt in your arms. Kudos babe... That is not easily achieved with this one.

Do you think I'm a bad person? I'm not spiraling here... It's a legitimate question. I mean what wife who has a great marriage, really no major issues, happy for the most part, would choose to risk it all? When I hear stories of ppl cheating it's always because they're unhappy or maybe there's some major issues. But it's not like that for me. I love my marriage and I love Clint... But that doesn't mean that it was fulfilling me completely. I know what it's like now to make love to someone other than my husband... And I needed to feel that. I needed to experience it. I'm dedicated to Clint in every way. I want to be the best I can be for him. I'm not going anywhere. So does all this make me a bad person or am I just a troubled soul... Lost and confused? 

Even when you think of marriage vows they aren't super specific... You can read between every line and real life doesn't always answer to the poetry behind them. My heart is Clint's forever. My commitment is to him and our future together. Just because I did this unacceptable thing doesn't mean I'm breaking that. He wouldn't approve of course but there's a lot of things I do that he doesn't necessarily like. Every marriage has its compromises and secrets, no matter how healthy it is. And anyone who says they've been completely faithful to their spouse on every level is lying. Definitions of faithfulness vary. There are definitely widely accepted ones but does that have to be the rule for everyone?

I'm not trying to justify what I did. I know going into it that it might be wrong for me to do but I committed to the act and any consequences that may come of it. I'm not going to spend my whole life wondering about an ethical battle that I'll never truly get the answers to until Heaven. All I can do is live my life the best I can. I made this choice and it was good for me. Now I just need to make sure there are no negative side effects for the people I love... And yes that includes you ;-)

I don't think you over sold your dick...I don't even know why you said that. I thought it was the perfect size, girth and all... At least for me. I'd never get a reduction. I think you're only issue is that you last so long and you don't cum very easily. For most girls I can see that being a problem. I personally love that you last that long lol but I can also understand how frustrating it would be on a regular basis. I guess it's just a preference thing. I wish I could've made you cum easier. It's fulfilling to be able to make a guy cum without a ton of work. Makes you feel powerful. But you can't control that any more than I can. I would love to have multiple orgasms when having sex...I should've yesterday for sure lol But I can't force my body to do anything, no matter how much I wanted to if for no other reason than to let you know how much I was enjoying being with you. 

Sometimes when I'm feeling lost with this whole situation or even just life, I go somewhere quiet, close my eyes, and play your song. I did that today and images of us together ran through my mind. The passion, the desperation to not let go, the chemistry and rhythm of our bodies moving together, the tenderness of your touches and kisses... They all flash through my mind like a movie reel and that's our soundtrack. That 4 minutes brought me so much peace. Nothing else matters... Not the what ifs or right or wrongs... Just you and me lost in our fantasy world for a few short hours. I'm so glad we made the most of it. These are memories that I will carry with me forever.

Sometimes I wonder if this experience met your expectations or if it just simply scratched an itch you had. It's natural for me to wonder especially since our circumstances are so different than most. But then I think about who you are. How much you love me and are willing to put me first above yourself if needed. You've proven that so many times. I think about your character and how you don't say things you don't mean. You're honest to a fault and I'm holding onto that now. I remember how you held me on Friday. How your hand lifted my eyes to yours and how you said so gently to me that you're not leaving. The reassurance of your kisses on my forehead. You communicate as a man in love and regardless of how good the sex was or wasn't, I know our connection remains. These are the things I hold onto.

Any lesser love and I would be destroyed. Your love keeps me from folding, from feeling lost and broken in all this. I know you said I'm stronger than I think... But you contribute to that a lot more than you realize. I am strong today because of you. 

I hate that I can't smell you anymore. Every once in awhile I'll catch a whiff....I just close my eyes and breathe.

I still don't know how it's possible for me to love you the way I do and still be completely committed and love my husband... With zero problem. If there's anything the last couple weeks has taught me, it's that I have the capacity to do this and do it well. I don't really care if the rest of the human race can't manage it...I can.

To be honest, I would love to go back to talking more like we used to both with content and timing. I miss you! I just don't know logistically how that would work if Clint has access to my phone. 

I miss you. 

I'm trying not to be the "just had sex, now I'm getting needy" chic... Partially cuz that's super annoying and immature, but mostly cuz I know you need rest today. Just know I'm thinking about you and missing your company. 

Why are girls so dumb? Why do we jump to conclusions and let our minds wander about? I keep having this fear flash across my brain that now that we've fucked, the magic is gone, and you're gonna get bored with me. I mean if that were the case I get it. Sometimes that legitimately happens to no fault of your own... But I'm not dwelling on it. I know that's not who you are. Ahhhhhh... Sometimes I wish the brain could be turned off.

I know you said openness in marriage needed to be without emotional connection, but I think I disagree. I think it can be done either way but it depends on the ppl involved. For me, I think it actually helps knowing we have a greater connection than just the sex. If it was just sex...I would be struggling so much right now. And I'm really not. 

You haven't texted in 6 hours... Either your phone died, you're really passed out from the weekend, or you're dead... Hopefully you're not thinking I wanted this much space. If so...I may need to clarify this for you. Not mad... Just miss you. Also I'm worried about you. 

Our little half hour chat this afternoon really helped so thank you! I know it was an off day and we can't really talk as often as we once did. I think we'd both agree that wouldn't be super healthy. But I still need you on a regular basis. We can chat more about it later... Just thought I would throw that out there.

It was a profitable night! I got a lot done! I've been able to act pretty normal so far. In fact I've been in a good mood oddly enough. I don't know if it was the sex or just me deciding not to beat myself up over something I can't change or a little bit of both. But I felt good tonight. I'm still gonna struggle but I'm pushing thru it. 

On that note... I'm exhausted so I'm heading for bed. I love you and I miss your face... As well as other parts of your body ;-) Good night!