Fighting Numb

I woke up at 4... Lots of pain. Damn period. This is the one time a month I can somewhat related to the nausea and pain you deal with on a daily basis. It somehow makes me feel more connected to you. 

Faded by Alan Walker

I came out to the couch when I saw what you sent. I've already listened to the song a few times. It's legitimately one of the most beautifully composed songs I've heard in a very long time. It moved me in a way I wasn't expecting. Even the first few notes held so much conflict and emotion. I don't even know if I could put words to how it made me feel, which I think is a lot of why you sent it. That in and of itself speaks volumes to my heart. Songs like that speak things so specifically to each listener, so it's hard to tell exactly what you wanted me to hear, so I thought I would write down what it made me feel instead. I hope it's close to what you wanted to communicate.

Rare Passion and Intense desire

Painful resignation

Sorrow at the loss of dreams never to be found

Inner Conflict for the beauty of what was and the reality of letting it go

Deep, moving, soulful 

Heartbreaking struggle 

Quiet resolution

Agonizing fervor to hold onto memories 

Gripping fear of what the future holds 

Soft reviving of what you sparked in my heart

It reminds me what you love about me and how much I have grown addicted to your a appreciation of the deepness of my soul. You understand the depths of me like very few have. I know I have to do this... Let us fade, but I don't want to lose that connection. I'm selfish. I need you in my life. How quickly you break through my darkness is mystifying to me. How could I possibly go back to my normal, numb life and not have you in it. You breathed life into me, made me see and feel things I haven't in so long. 

It just started storming which makes the perfect companion to your composition. Do you know why I love storms so much? Because they're so beautifully destructive. The softness of a rumble of thunder rustling inside your heart. The rigid flash of lightning sparking fear and terror. The constant rush of the pin-prickling sounds of rain all around you reviving your senses. The variations of the rhythm of the raindrops can be so intoxicating. Storms speak to my soul. They awaken what's sleeping inside me.

And now they remind me of you. Of us. Of what I felt with you. I've never felt so much danger and safety in one breath. I think my biggest fear of losing you is going numb again...I felt it happening. Some call it resignation. Others call it peace. There's truth to both definitions but for me it means numbing parts of my heart so they stop beating so loudly.

I may need to bury this rhythm of my heart for a season, but I don't want it to stay hidden forever. This is why I need you. I need you to breathe life into that cavern of buried hopes and dreams from time to time. I need you to spark that vivacious spirit inside of me when the mundane is choking me out. 

You're like my own personal brand of storm. You were made for me. 

I don't think we were ever meant to be the consistent in each other's lives. We already have the person that is our constant, the foundational safety we need to battle life on a daily basis. I think we were meant to be each other's spark. The bolt of lightning to ignite the passion we both lost. Everyone needs a good storm like that in their life.... One that sinks deep into your soul, understanding all the twists and turns without saying a word. I want you to be mine forever. The storm that moves in and out of my life, waking me from the slumber of monotony.