Still wishing you were here

*8/19

I wish you were here...

I did good not getting drunk but still a little tipsy.

My goal in life is to dance with Timothy... He's the mixed guy that I'm basically in love with. He's such an amazing dancer and such a sweetheart too... I've talked to him a few times. But my footwork sucks tonight. Clearly he wasn't impressed cuz he missed out on several opportunities. Oh well... There's always next time lol

I miss you...I miss talking to you when I go out and hearing your banter lol...I love you so much. 

I'm on my way home... Had so much fun. Met new ppl and danced the night away... Even learned how to two step a bit better. I legit need to do this every weekend lol

I wish I could call you...

I danced with Brian tonight and he was so good! He taught me some turns which was so fun and amazing! I'm gonna keep going back cuz I need to learn how to dance really good. It makes me feel good. 

I danced with other ppl too and talk to a couple other guys. It was a good distraction. I rode one dude for awhile but he was gay so that doesn't count lol 

I missed you tho...

I'm laying here on my living room floor... Naked and missing you so much. 

But I know it's not healthy for me to talk to you right now. I'm trying to be good and not push you on things. 

I didn't even really drink that much tonight... Like 4 vodka cranberries. And I drank a ton of water too... It's official...I didn't eat enough this week. 

Should I wake Clint up to have sex...I mean dude went to bed at like 12:30. I mean I prolly could but eh I'll just do myself. Maybe something will happen tomorrow. Idk

I took my time and came real good but I want cock. So... Here goes nothing.

It's 3am... And that just happened... First time in over 2 weeks. It was good. But honey... Even with him trying really hard to fuck me, I had to pretend it was getting me somewhere. I made the noises and movements... And it was good... But that's all it was.

God dammit...I want your dick so bad. I know I shouldn't say it but it's true. I wanna know what you would feel like inside me. Would it be enough... Or too much? Or would I scream in ecstasy at the thrusting of your hips against mine? Why can't we have just one day... Just one to experience each other? I wanna know how you'd strip me down. I wanna know how much you would enjoy eating me and how many times you could make me cum. I wanna know what it would be like to be so ravaged I couldn't breath. To fall asleep exhausted in your arms... Completely satisfied and content.

This may all seem different in the morning but at least you know...I want you so desperately babe. It haunts me.

Morning always comes to soon. I don't know why but whenever I stay out super late I can't sleep more than 5-6 hours. I'll take a nap later so it's all good. I have the day to myself and I'm feeling gross so I'll prolly just be a couch potato. After the week I've had there's no shame in that! 

It's official...I wore myself out this week physically and emotionally. My body aches all over... And not in a good way lol I'm exhausted. Despite all this...I still can't stop thinking about you. 

Do you think I'm an awful person for loving another man this much? Sometimes I feel like I am.

But there's no use making myself feel guilty over something I couldn't control. I tried not falling for you...I really did. 

I think it's a product of the way I was raised but I get overwhelmed with guilt so easily. It's so silly too because all in all when you look at my life, it's been a good one. I haven't made huge mistakes that I haven't also taken responsibility for. I care about people and try to do my best to give back. So why do I always feel guilty so easily for something not completely in my control? 

I kinda just want to be normal. Snap my fingers or click my shoes and make all this go away. Pretend we never met. Then I think about what normal is. Normal is highs and lows. Normal is struggle. Normal is joy and pain. There are no easy answers with normal. There's no simple formula for an easy, normal life. Everyone has something they struggle with or can't quite conquer in their lives. So...I am normal. This just happens to be one of my times of struggle and it's not fair of me to shame myself for that. 

So I just slept from like 11 to 3... And it felt AMAZING! My body definitely needed rest and I feel so much better... Even emotionally. Maybe next time I start being a drama queen you can just tell me to go take a nap lol It would probably fix a lot of my issues if I slept more.

I wonder what you're doing today... Probably working on the house again. I'm sorry... That kinda sucks to spend your weekends being busy like that. Probably doesn't help your health to never really get a solid day to just rest.

I was thinking maybe next weekend we can watch the new guardians movie? I still haven't seen it yet. I mean that wouldn't be all we do. I kinda want to just take a day and spend with you... Just to be ourselves. At the same time I know that might prove dangerous so we'd both have to be in a good place. I'd honestly be fine even telling Clint myself after the fact or having him find out... As long as nothing happened I wouldn't feel guilty about not telling him. Nothing physical happens... Then I'm not cheating. And I'm ok with the repercussions of his reaction to anything other than that.

I know I need to face reality and stop pining over what was and what might have been. We both do. It's not healthy for us or our marriages to live in a dream world forever. 

You know what term I hate? Emotional Affair... Like how does one even quantify that. If you never do anything outright physical but you have some level of emotional attachment or reliance on someone other than your spouse? That would be some people's decontrol definition and if that's the case then I've been guilty of that more times than is healthy for any relationship.

Like right now... I'm not overflowing with desire or gushy love feelings for you. I just want to talk to you. Have a conversation with someone I love and trust. Talk about life and laugh. None of those desires are wrong or misplaced.... It shouldn't be looked down on for me to do that on occasion and I honestly think that the more we cool down! The more we'll be able to handle that type of relationship. Hopefully....

I don't want to give up any of my feelings for you but I have to get to a healthy place with this. That doesn't mean I love you any less. It just means that I commit to loving you in the reality we've been given.

I wonder what you're thinking about all this. How are you processing? Do you still think this is an impossible situation and we're basically fucked? Or have you gotten to a place that has even a glimmer of hope? Are you struggling to move through the day without me? Or has it been refreshing to have time to re-balance your time and emotions? Does it help you to read my thoughts or does it confuse you even more on the whole situation? 

I can't wait until we can talk in person about all this...I just want to have a full on uninterrupted conversation so we can actually figure this out and understand each other and what's best for each other. I hate that this situation has put us in a place where seeing each other has to be so rare and secretive. It's unnecessary...

I have so much laundry to do... Why did I sit on the couch all day? Immediately regretting my last choices lol 

I just realized that my office is definitely a white and nerdy office lol we even have a trivia team hahaha

Despite my thoughts earlier in the week, I think I realize now that I never wanted to replace my life. I just wanted to add you to it. I actually really love my life. I love my friends and family and my church and my job and all the things that I have interests in. I'm incredibly blessed. And on top of all that I have a great marriage. I know it has its issues and there are areas that Clint is just never going to be able to fulfill but he wishes he could... And honestly that's really all that matters. He tries his best. He listens to me when I have issue with something. He's supportive of almost all of my endeavors despite his fears. He believes in who I am and is a constant encouragement to me. He wants to have adventures with me and enjoy life with me. I know he's not perfect and there's always areas of improvement but he does love me. I could be stuck in a much less pleasurable situation.

I don't say all that for you. It's more of a reminder for me. I can be very negative and narrow minded when I'm depressed or anxious and I need to remind myself of truths when I'm in those moods. 

I hope you're not reading this and thinking I'm giving you the cliche "let's still be friends" talk after a breakup. I hope you're not thinking you can't handle being friends and you have to make a clean break. I want what's best for you and I'll always respect your choice in this. But gosh I really hope I can keep you.... Even if it's only a small part.

I actually really love it when Clint is tipsy. His inner little boy comes out and it's pretty adorable lol 

Today has been a good day babe. 

I still miss you being a part of it tho...