Missing You When

-I'm listening to a song that reminds me of something you'd say. 

-I think of a topic we never covered and I suddenly want your opinion but can't ask it. 

-I think of things you said and things you wondered like how I taste or how my skin would feel on yours. 

-I'm riding in the car just letting the road carry my thoughts back to you. 

-In the small moments of the day when you used to fill my time with laughter and nonsense.

-I'm overwhelmed and remember how you used to call me babe to remind me you were always here for me. 

-I can't sleep and think about the crazy, fun conversations we'd have at 1am.

-I realize it's hard to find someone who will be that honest with you 24/7 and how much you value that characteristic... Even if it did make me want to punch you in the face on occasion.

-I think of getting a new tattoo and it makes me smile thinking of how hot they used to make you. 

-When I'm sitting at work killing it using the skills you taught me about well-rounded customer service. 

-When I don't want to be healthy it go to the gym and I remember how you used to push me to keep pushing myself. That it didn't matter if I was some amazing athlete. What mattered was staying physically healthy. 

-When I have a random thought that I would normally text you and realize I can't cuz I told you I would respect your space. 

-I think about how nice it was to greet you with good morning and leave you with good night. 

-The names you called me and the expressions you used just for me to make me feel special.

-I check my phone to see if you've responded to my latest text and nothing is there.

-I find myself staring into space thinking about words you have said and conversations we've had and I realize that may be gone forever.

-My thoughts consume me and I have nowhere to turn but this journal. 

-When I remember what it was like to hear you say you loved me in person for the first time. 

-When I think about how much selfless love you had to keep me safe the one night we got to see each other. 

-When I remember what it was like to hold your hand and hear your voice so close to mine. 

-When I remember how you were so sensitive about your hairline... Like all black men are, but I rubbed it anyways and told you it looked great. 

-When I watch black men on porn and remember how I used to fantasize what it would be like to be with you. 

-When I think about leaving and how much you would hate that you were the cause of my marriage failing. 

-When I'm sad or depressed and I remember how you fought for me so hard that first time I cried. You wanted me to know how special I was and I'll never forget that. 

-When I realize that this journal entry has only just begun because I have so many other memories of you...I don't think I'll ever be done writing them down.

-When I hear the name Hulk and realize I'll always picture you. 

-When I remember how I woke up at 1am that first night and texted you my random thoughts and you texted me back and talked to me for hours to help calm my mind and put me back to sleep. 

-When I realize that I have to let you go because being in a relationship with me is toxic for you. My husband will never change and I have to live with that but you don't. 

-When I cry myself to sleep and wonder what it would be like to have your arms hold me tight. 

-When I realize that I have no one to turn to to help me heal because everyone would think I'm crazy for risking a marriage such as mine for wanting just a little bit more. 

-When I realize how stuck I am. Can't get back in, can't get out. This is my lot in life.