What I would say if I could...
*8/17
Sometimes I feel like you were a ghost... Drifting into and out of my life like a whisper just strong enough to leave me with a hole in my heart. I miss talking to you on these late nights. Hearing your thoughts about life and having our typical sexual banter back and forth. You always made me smile. And now I'm stuck here... With not really anyone to understand what I'm feeling or why I'm struggling so much to let my "friendship" go for the sake of my marriage. They really have no idea.
I tried talking to other ppl tonight honey... And they just don't get it. They just try to tell me to get girlfriends or that marriage is supposed to be all fulfilling. A bunch of rubbish. I'm never gonna find someone like you to talk to again am I?
This morning I woke up out of a deep sleep and for one solitary moment was excited about the day... Until it hit me that you were still gone. I suddenly got this sinking feeling in my gut... Another day without you. Another day alone. I get it... You're staying silent cuz you know this was an impossible situation and you think you're bad for me. Maybe it was impossible but we did it... There was just one snag.
I don't know what to do about my marriage. I don't want to leave. I love him. I know he's an amazing man. He takes care of me. He loves me. I'd be stupid to walk away from that. But... You opened my eyes to a whole world I didn't know existed. A world free of rejection and fear. A world of acceptance. I don't know how to not continue to crave that.
So god damn painful....
I want you to try to understand how hard this is for me and this is really the only way I can explain it.
Imagine you had a close friend regardless of gender and circumstances. You completely trust them and are able to be your full self around them which is rare for you. All of a sudden... They die. Gone forever in the matter of hours. It's almost as if they never existed. You don't really have anything from them to take with you or remind you of the goodness they brought to your life. And you struggle with God asking why he would bring someone so special into your life just to take them away.
That's what I'm dealing with.
It doesn't matter whether it was good or bad or right or wrong. None of that matters. It's just gone. It's like being addicted to drugs and having to quit cold turkey.
Thank you for texting...I needed that so much. It still hurts but it helped the pain a little bit.
I know you're confused about some of the things I've written so let me see if I can help...
My blog is dark and unfiltered. I get to a good place with my emotions by writing out the bad things I'm feeling so I can move forward. Everything you've read has been very raw over the past few days. I've been very angry and mostly with Clint because I feel trapped.
I still don't know what I think about all this but is it really fair for me to ask him to betray his convictions? I know he loves me. It's not a perfect love but it's there. Some if the things he said today hit me so hard. I'd be losing so much consistent love if I left him.
Some days I just want to be normal. To not struggle like this... To be happy loving just one man the rest of my life. Most ppl don't understand this struggle because they never let themselves fall to begin with. But I did.
Today was the first day I wasn't extremely angry with Clint. I'm glad...I don't want to stay angry with him and resent him forever. If this is gonna work I have to forgive him for not being able to give me freedom. He's already forgiving me for getting us into this and is giving me the freedom to work through it however I need to with no judgement.... It's the least I can do for him.
I have a good life with him. I've been happy. You brought new things to the table and loved me in a different way. That doesn't make his love wrong or yours better... It's just different. And that's why I hate this situation because I don't want to have to choose. I love and need you both.
I know ultimately my choice to stay in my current situation of life isn't really about you. Even if I decided to leave I can't guarantee that you'd come with me and leave Kelsey. I can't guarantee leaving would make me happy. I can't guarantee that we wouldn't be miserable knowing how much pain we left behind just to be together... It would probably eventually destroy us. No, this decision has to be about me and what I want in life. Do I want to stay in my current marriage? Does it make me happy enough? Do I want to keep my friendships and family relationships as they are... Because if I left I'd probably lose a lot of them. Do I want to risk losing the chance to have a family?
But are those good enough motivations?
The swirling of questions in my mind exhausts me. Do I leave or stay? If I stay how do I move forward? Do I just get over you, forget about you? And how can I do that knowing you're hurting too and you gave that up for me? So do I keep us alive instead... Even in the smallest way? Distant, star-crossed lovers that only ever really get to dream? And how do I live with that secret in my marriage... Can I? If I can't then I have to fully let you go. Do I have the strength to do that? How much will it cost me and my marriage to fully grieve losing you? Would I have been better off just keeping you as a small part of my life? Can you even handle that... Being a small part? How much would that destroy you? Could I ask that of you knowing how much it hurt?
This again feels so impossible... Like there is no right answer. There's pain anywhere I turn but which pain is worth it. Which path will eventually bring me joy and fulfillment in my life or do any of them have that ending? Are we just destined to walk thru life half fulfilled?
Maybe this isn't a battle about either of you. Maybe this is a spiritual battle, one I have to fight with God about. One I have to get on my knees about and beg him for the answers to why he would allow this situation. Haven't I been thru enough? Haven't I already had this struggle that you needed to put me thru the fire again? Did I not pass the first test? I know we love these lives for Him but are we not allowed to have our happiness too?
I watched The Shack a couple weeks ago... Really good movie and biblically on point with its truths about God and Jesus. The practical application is amazing... To be able to sit and talk with God and yell at him for the things you don't understand. To be able to ask the hard questions and get wisdom about the direction in your life. What I wouldn't give for the experience in that movie to be true.
I look at the example of what Jesus did and I know he would tell me to love sacrificially despite what's lacking. To sacrifice for the commitment I made. I know all that's true... But how much sacrifice is required or needed?
That's still not a black and white answer... So much grey area especially when it comes to knowing whether to keep you in my life and how much to keep you in it.
It does help answer my questions about life and Clint tho. I know what God would want me to do and that's to stay in my marriage and to make it the best it can be. To be content and stop letting the what ifs drown out that contentment from my heart.
I know you might think I say that with sadness but that actually brings a lot of peace to my heart.
And the rest of the questions can be answered another day. Right now my brain needs a break so I'm going to go on a quick walk and clear things out. I rest at least knowing the answer to one thing. I'm staying in my marriage.
Who was I kidding? Turning MY brain off... Laughable. The walk was good tho. It gave me some clarity.
If I'm choosing to stay in my marriage and Clint is not comfortable with us being my definition of friendship then we have to come down to his. I realize that's near impossible for us to do tho... At least at this stage. We need more time and space. So maybe for now we stay friends that are distant... More like acquaintances. We check in on each other from time to time. We occasionally have a string of conversations. But ultimately we allow ourselves to heal, to move forward, to get to a healthier place. We give each other that space knowing the love and priority is still there. Then... We see what the future holds. I'm not lying to Clint because he doesn't have to know every detail of my life. This is how I am with Joe and I've never felt guilty about not telling Clint that. This allows me the space to heal while not quitting cold turkey.
The next question tho... Is this approach also healthy for you? And I can't answer that one.
I have a peace about this but we still need time before making any stiff decisions. These are just my humble and honest thoughts about what I think would be healthy for everyone involved going forward.
I should also follow those thoughts up with the fact that I know it's still going to hurt like a bitch but at least I don't lose you completely... Forever. It's a compromise my soul can live with.
I'm slowly getting my appetite back which could be a good and bad thing.
A lot of my apprehension and pain was that you disappeared so suddenly and completely. Getting to talk to you this morning really helped alleviate my pain. I'm still sad and the more days we go without talking I'm sure the pain will come back but it's a little easier to cope knowing you're hurting too and feeling a lot of the same things I am.
I'm leaning more towards spending a day with you while Clint is gone. Not a day of total freedom... We'd have to be in a decent place emotionally too be sure we could be safe like we discussed before. I think we both need this tho. We need it because we need to be able to have real memories to carry with us regardless of what we decide moving forward. We need it because it will help us have closure. Just one day all to ourselves with no judgement or regrets. I'll keep thinking about this... But I think I would be ok with it.
Clint and I talked a lot today. It was good...I know you hate it when I say that but it really was. He's so patient and forgiving with me... It's impossible for me not to want to sacrifice some of my freedoms to not stay with him. I still wish he'd compromise and stop being so narrow minded but I can't change him. He is who he is.
I'm in a calmer place this afternoon... Which feels good but it also scares me. I don't want to lose the intensity of what I feel for you. I want it to sink in and boil over. I want it to last forever.
My heart was beating so loudly when you texted me this morning. I had to look twice cuz I thought it was a dream or wishful thinking. Lol
I still want to be with you... In every way just like you said this morning. I keep rationalizing it in my head. Like what if it was just one night. What if we just let ourselves live one night and no one had to find out but it would give us closure. Would that be ok? Would I be able to live with it... Probably not lol but it's still what I want. I almost was bold enough to ask Clint for just one weekend. Just one. Surely that wouldn't be too much to ask?
My mood difference between yesterday and today is all because of you. All because you talked to me. It's like you immediately calm the storm inside me. Gosh that sucks... Cuz I have to find some way to live without that. You kept wondering why I fought so hard to keep you... This is a major reason why. The darkness you've seen the last few days is not abnormal for me. But there's something about you the makes it all go away. You bring peace to my life. I need that so much... How am I ever gonna live without that on a daily basis?
I also really miss your compliments about my body... Not even gonna lie. You made me feel so hot and confident. I still don't get it but it always makes me smile remembering the expressions you've used. I can almost see the look on your face when you say those things...I wish I could.
I actually went through and reread all of our conversations from last week and took screenshots of my favorite parts for safe keeping. It'll be nice to have that when I need to be reminded that someone out there finds me irresistible. Also... Side note... Apple needs to create a text search by date feature.
I get to go riding again tonight... Best night of the week. I don't think I told you last week that my horse Gibbs is gonna have to be put down soon. He's having some nerve issues and he's 28 so it's time.... Makes me so sad. He's such a sweet old guy and we were just getting used to each other. But I rode Chip last week and he's got such a more relaxed personality. He's also super muscular...I feel like I'm talking about men lol
I am calmer today because I know I get to keep you. Even though we don't know what that looks like yet, it comforts my heart that you didn't give up on me. That's all I needed. Now I can handle anything that those situation throws at me.
I went to the dentist yesterday and I was sitting there and the What Ifs song came on... The one that always reminds me of you. I almost broke down in the chair... But then she started putting sharp metal objects in my mouth... That helped me stay focused lol
I absolutely adore riding and working with horses! I've always been an animal lover but my fascination with horses trumps everything. I almost went to school to be a vet then I found out how many years it took and decided not to. I should've tho...I would've been good at it! Worked out in Montana... Gosh that would be the life! There's something about riding that just brings you so much peace. You have to calm your emotions because the horse picks up on everything and you gave up use your whole body to speak to them and direct them. Conquering that and becoming one with a two thousand pound animal is incredibly rewarding and uplifting. Makes you feel like you can do at least one thing right.
Tonight has been pretty good. Came home and Clint had the dishwasher running... Always nice when he takes the initiative to help me with the house work. He's actually pretty good with that stuff which helps me.
I made guacamole tonight for the first time... Way too much jalapeno! But it was good other than that... I'll have to work on it.
Have you ever watched New Girl? It's literally one of my favorites! We never talked TV shows! Ahhhh... Spent WAY too much time talking about sex lol... Yes I know you disagree. Anyways Schmidt is my favorite... They're all great characters but he makes me laugh non stop. His sex drive reminds me of yours actually... Some of the things he says are just great.
I'm determined to sleep good tonight. I need it... Prolly only 10 hours between the last 2 nights and that ain't gonna be good if I want to stop being such a damn drama queen. I hope you had a good day today luv... Good night
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