Today was almost normal...

8/22

Good morning :-)

I kinda feel like not thinking today lol I just want to kick back and have fun with you and flirt and banter like we used to. I'm over analyzing everything and figuring things out and trying to decide what's right and healthy. I just need a break... I've put so much effort into this and I'm exhausted. I wish the weekend was here so we could just be together.

I swear it's like you can read my mind... You sure you don't have ESP? ;-)

I really miss my Gma today. It's been 4 years since she's been gone... Today's the anniversary. I don't think I've ever told you about that experience... What it did to me. Maybe I will over lunch. Can't at work... I'll just get all sad and melancholy lol and we can't have that. I am happy just getting a chance to really talk to you today... Nothing can bring me down.

We are getting together this weekend. I'd never be able to live with myself if we missed this opportunity. Also I'm tired of not being able to really talk thru this and work thru this together. I want to have a real conversation with you. This is happening. You can give me all your bullshit about what's best and what's healthy and blah blah blah but this is what we need... Both of us. So get over thinking about it... It's happening. And everything will be safe and fine because we've got this. We're both too stubborn to screw this up now. 

Please don't try to talk me out of this. I've weighed the risks and I've thought a lot about it. Pros and cons... I've decided. 

Now if it's not something you want... That's a different story. 

But don't say no just because of me. I get to decide for me.

I don't know why but I have this sinking feeling that I'm losing you. I know that's silly. We both have to keep our emotions in check in order for this to be a healthy relationship. But it's more than that tho... Idk I'm probably just thinking too much like always.

I am NOT going to be one of those girls.... So I'm not going to read into things. I need to get used to the fact that things are going to be different and that's ok. That doesn't mean you love me any less or vice versa... It just means that we're both in check. That's a good thing... Cuz neither of us can handle living a double life.

I really miss working with you... Like on a very basic, we made a great team type of level. 

This new guy, Jacob, is nice tho... He came over and talked to me today for a little bit. He's sweet for a straight outta college kid. 

Sorry for getting emotional and serious today. I don't know... We have so much to talk about that it's hard to be relaxed right now. It's another reason I want to be together Friday or whenever you can or want to be. I just want to have a little normal... Get back into a good, healthy rhythm.

I mean really... Me, such an idiot. 

Why do women overanalyze things so much? Like why can't we just take it in stride? I always thought I could take anything and just go with it but the older I get the more I realize that couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes I wish I was a guy with guy emotions. There's an image lol

Finished my bottle of wine tonight so I asked Clint to go get more. He has a new liquor place he wanted to check out anyways so it worked out. 

I literally just spilled wine all down the front of me... Like massive spill geez

You doing anything on Friday? Cuz I really want you to come to my place... No time limits, no societal pressures, just us... What do you say? Will you accept my invitation baby? ;-)

Tonight I drank wine and watched Disney movies then I used my new toy. It was a nice relaxing night :-D 

I want to be friends with you...I mean of course I want more than that lol but I mainly just want you to be my friend. I don't ever want to lose that. And you may try to push me away or think I'm better without you or that some day I'll get over you and move on but nope. I'm here to stay. You created a monster so now you have to live with it lol 

OMG... Clint just found a new show. Shooter with Ryan Philippe... Be still my heart. Find me a man with that body... Ain't never gonna stop lol damn... Military man with brains that can shoot like hell... I'm in. If I ever get remarried... That'll be my target for sure.

I think I could do the open marriage thing... Just not with you lol if emotion can't be involved then baby you're out cuz I got it bad. But give me one sexy available body... I'm game. Hit me and hit me hard. Lol

OK ok I'm done. Heading to bed and that's enough for the day. I love you... Best friend ;-)