The conversation doesn't stop just because you're gone

What I would say if I could...

*8/16

God I miss you already. I slept for about 2 hours then woke up thinking about you. I can't believe you're really gone. And it's worse now because I don't even have work to help keep even the smallest part of this alive.

I keep thinking of ways I can try to see you one last time. To talk to you sober and hug you so tight you'll never forget. Please don't forget me. Don't move on so fast that I become so small in your memories. 

I still want to be a thought in your mind when you're 80. 

I don't know that I'll ever get over you or that I ever really want to. This one may kill me.

Part of me knows you did this so I had a fighting chance in my marriage. I get that. I don't want to leave Clint or hurt him but this passion is so strong. I don't know if I can live with myself after you. 

What If...I was made for you and you were made for me?

The time machine or one of those memory bleeper things from MIB would be great right about now.

I risked everything to keep us alive.... And you didn't have the decency to break up with me to my face? Do you have any idea how messed up my marriage is right now because I fell in love with you?

Am I still your girl?

My biggest fear is that you'll forget me and all we had together.

I almost wish I would've just let my guard down and really loved you while I had the chance. At least then this would make sense and I'd have something to remember you by. A kiss, a touch, you holding me.... The little things I dream of.

I would be stupid to lose Clint right? I shouldn't be thinking of these deceptions...I would definitely lose him.

It's storming and raining today and it makes me think of you. Let's be honest... Everything does at this point, but the rain gets me especially frolicky. I wonder if you're thinking of me too.

Lost 4 pounds in 3 days... Apparently losing you has become my new diet.

I just realized that neither of the men in my life are willing to compromise for me and I'm left holding the empty bag. You're not willing to try to be just friends and keep your sexual desires to yourself. Clint isn't willing to share me with another man even as just a friend. I lose all the way around on this... All the way.

Sitting here thinking about running back to you and I hear you whisper in my ear, "you have to let me go hun. If you don't you'll ruin your marriage for sure." I know you're right but God this hurts.

I let myself fall... Hard. You broke through all my walls. You were my safe place and I'm so lost without you.

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like loving you the way I did was a mistake. I'd go through this pain a million more times just to be able to have one more day of us. 

I've barely talked to you since Saturday night.... The longest we've ever gone. I have severe pains in my chest thinking back to those last conversations with you. Had I known they would be my last things would've been so different.

You're still checking my snap chats... You still care and wanna know how I'm doing. What comfort that is to my heart that you're hurting too. I'm trying not to post too much on there because I told you I would let you go gracefully. I don't want my pain to haunt you. I want you to move on and be happy. I've done this routine before... Never been this hard, but I'll be ok. Eventually. You always told me I'm strong... I'm counting on your faith in me to be right.

I hope you're doing OK...I wish I could just know that. Even if you told me it was easy, it would help. Unless you're lying which I wouldn't put it past you to do for my sake. I mean technically I'm doing the same thing... Lying to you. Keeping my real pain inside so you don't see how you've wrecked me by leaving.

I wish I could change my response to you last night... And just respond with "I fell in love with you too and because of that I understand how hard this is going to be and why you feel you have to let me go."

The only reason I'm not with you is because I can't hurt Clint. 

God Adam looks just like you at first glance... Pure torture.

I don't know how to fight the voices in my head without you... They won't stop...

God Clint is so annoying. Apparently sabotaging my relationship with you just wasn't quite enough to boost his ego and affirm him of my love and commitment to him. He's still depressed and frustrated with everything... Oh. My. God. 

Will this ever end? Like I get it...I have feelings for another man. I've shared a little too much with said man... But does he have any idea what I passed up on? I mean really?! 

I hate that you uncovered all the holes in my marriage and then left me to pick up the pieces on my own. 

I'm sad because I miss talking to you. But I can't be too sad because it bothers Clint. But if I turn my emotions off just to show him I've moved on so we can actually move on.... Well that's just disastrous for everyone.

God I miss you so much babe. My heart hurts literally... But I'm trying so hard to be strong for you.

I could never admit to Clint how much I'm weighing the pros and cons of leaving him. Only you would be able to handle that conversation...

I'm literally in a no win situation right now. I lose all the way around.

You convinced me that it was ok for us to care for each other the way we do but literally no one agrees. I have zero support in this. You got me to fall in love with you and then you left... You left me to heal this broken heart on my own. Really?? 

I am legit so angry with you right now for leaving me. Yep... Still so angry. Isn't this like the 3rd stage of processing??

I don't know if I can do this. This is so hard... I'm trying to respect your space so you can heal but this sucks so much. I can't even think straight enough to focus on work. I just want to quit life.

I feel like my right arm has been cut off....I legit almost broke out into tears at my desk. I can't handle this... It's so crippling. Why do you go? Why did you leave me? We could've figured something out...A short break of some sort, but you stopped wanting to try. Was I not enough for you to keep working on? You promised you wouldn't leave... You were patient and you'd always be there waiting for me even if I had to leave for a short time. But you left. Before you even knew what was going on with my end. You bailed. How could you? How could you after everything? Did our connection mean nothing to you?

I'm angry with you... But I'd still wrap my arms around you so tight if I saw you right now. I'm going to the park like we planned. You won't be there... For a couple reasons, but maybe it will bring me comfort thinking about what could've been.

I got to the park... It's nice. You picked a good spot. I walked out to the pond. Took my shoes off cuz the grass was wet. Stood watching the storm clouds roll in. I understand the clouds and how they rumble. They try moving quickly through life without leaving any messes but sometimes they can't help but pour out their tears on the earth. The sound of the rain on my car roof made me cry thinking of you, being near you, and how much I miss you. 

I wonder if you have any idea how much pain I was in Monday night when I left Clint. How much I wanted to come to you. How much I wanted you to hold me. But I know you would be horrified if you knew you'd caused that. Maybe it's a good thing that we're not talking. I wouldn't want you to think you caused so much heartache. The only heartache I feel is you being gone.

I wish we would've snuck around more. Had some small touches here and there. Some heated moments. At least then I'd feel bad and that guilt would help me move on. But we did so well and I can't help where my heart took me. So I have no guilt. No shame. Just loneliness and sorrow.

Unapologetically by Kelsey Ballerini

I am unapologetically in love with you and always have been and I don't care that it's breaking me. I know that now and I wish so much that I could tell you that in person. 

I'm gonna take your love with me everywhere knowing I always have someone out there loving me no matter where I go. That gift is priceless. And THAT brings a smile to my face for the first time today. Did you hear that baby? You're not even here and you're still making me smile. Be proud that you've left this kind of mark on me.

I've found that the only thing that brings me happiness close to the caliber that you did is dancing. So... Maybe that's gonna be my new obsession. Let's see how Clint handles that and realizes that it would've been better for him to let me have you. Now I'll never be home.